Strategy Guide - Guide for Grand Theft Auto III
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<> Strategy Guide <>
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Console : Playstation 2
Game : Grand Theft Auto 3
Rating : Mature
Author : Fazio67 (Chris M. Fazio)
Version : 9.0
E-mail : [email protected]
AIM Screen Name : Cfazio15
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Table of Contents
-----------------
[1] Version History
[2] Main Basics
[2.1] Character and Car Controls
[2.2] Saving
[2.3] Busted
[2.4] Wasted
[2.5] Wanted Level
[2.6] Exercise
[2.7] Using Weapons
[3] Car Basics
[3.1] Driving
[3.2] Radio
[3.3] Knowing When to Drive or Bail
[3.4] Fast Car or Slow Car?
[4] Statistics
[5] Item Guide
[5.1] Health
[5.2] Armor
[5.3] Police Bribes
[5.4] Ardrenaline Pills
[5.5] Rampages
[5.6] Hidden Packages
[6] Weapon Guide
[6.1] AK-47
[6.2] Baseball Bat
[6.3] Flamethrower
[6.4] Grenades
[6.5] Handgun
[6.6] M-16
[6.7] Molotov Cocktail
[6.8] Rocket Launcher
[6.9] Shotgun
[6.10] Sniper Rifle
[6.11] Uzi
[7] Vehicle Guide
[7.1] Sports Cars, Speedsters, and Muscle Cars
[7.2] Trucks and Large Offroad Vehicles
[7.3] Midsize Economy Cars
[7.4] Limos
[7.5] Heavy-Duty Vehicles
[7.6] Vans
[7.7] Emergency Vehicles
[7.8] Gang Cars
[7.9] Boats and Planes
[7.10] Vehicle Reality Comparison
[8] Character Guide
[8.1] 8-Ball
[8.2] Luigi Goterelli
[8.3] Joey Leone
[8.4] Tony Cipriani
[8.5] Salvatore Leone
[8.6] Maria
[8.7] Asuka Kasen
[8.8] Kenji Kasen
[8.9] Ray Machowski
[8.10] Donald Love
[9] Main Missions
[10] Portland - Industrial District
[10.1] Intro Mission: "Give Me Liberty"
[10.2] Missions by Luigi Goterelli
"Luigi's Girl"
"Don't Spank Ma Bitch Up"
"Drive Misty For Me"
"Pump Action Pimp"
"The Fuzz Ball"
[10.3] Missions by Joey Leone
"Mike Lips' Last Lunch"
"Farewell 'Chunky' Lee Chong"
"Van Heist"
"Cipriani's Chauffeur"
"Dead Skunk In The Trunk"
"The Getaway"
[10.4] Missions by Tony Cipriani
"Taking Out The Laundry"
"The Pick-Up"
"Salvatore Called A Meeting"
"Triads and Tribulations"
"Blow Fish"
[10.5] Missions by Salvatore Leone
"Chaperone"
"Cutting The Grass"
"Bomb The Base Act One"
"Bomb The Base Act Two"
"Last requests"
[11] Staunton Island - Commercial District
[11.1] Missions by Asuka Kasen
"Sayonara Salvatore"
"Under Surveillance
"Paparazzi Purge"
"Payday For Ray"
"Two-Faced Tanner"
[11.2] Missions by Kenji Kasen
"Kanbu Bustout"
"Grand Theft Auto"
"Deal Steal"
"Shima"
"Smack Down"
[11.3] Missions by Ray Machowski
"Silence The Sneak"
"Arms Shortage"
"Evidence Dash"
"Gone Fishing"
"Plaster Blaster"
[11.4] Missions by Donald Love
"Liberator"
"Waka Gashira Wipeout"
"A Drop In The Ocean"
[12] Shoreside Vale - Residential District
[12.1] Missions by Donald Love 2
"Grand Theft Aero"
"Escort Service"
"Decoy"
"Love's Dissappearance"
[12.2] Missions by Asuka Kasen 2
"Bait"
"Expresso-2-Go!"
"S.A.M"
"Ransom"
[12.3] Missions by Ray Machowski 2
"Marked Man"
[12.4] Missions by Catalina
"The Exchange"
[13] Extra Missions
[14] Extra Portland Missions
[14.1] Missions by El Burro
"Turismo"
"I Scream! You Scream!"
"Trial By Fire"
"Big 'n' Veiny'
[14.2] Missions by Marty Chonks
"The Crook"
"The Thieves"
"The Wife"
"Her Lover"
[14.3] Missions by RC Toyz
"Mafia Massacre"
"Diablo Destruction"
[14.4] Missions by 4x4
"Patriot Playground"
[15] Extra Staunton Island Missions
[15.1] Missions by King Courtney
"The Interview"
"Uzi Rider"
"Gangcar Round-Up"
"Kingdom Come"
[15.2] Missions by RC Toyz 2
"Casino Calamity"
[15.3] Missions by 4x4
"A Ride In The Park"
"Multi Story Mayhem
[16] Extra Shoreside Vale Missions
[16.1] Missions by D-Ice
"Uzi Money"
"Toyminator"
"Rigged To Blow"
"Bullion Run"
"Rumble"
[16.2] Missions by RC Toyz 3
"Rumpo Rampage"
[16.3] Missions by 4x4
"Gripped"
[17] Vigilante Missions
[17.1] Taxi
[17.2] Ambulance
[17.3] Fire Truck
[17.4] Authority Vehicles
[18] Rampage Locations
[19] Unique and Insane Jumps
[20] Hidden Packages
[20.1] Location List
[20.2] Prize List
[21] Emergency Vehicle Crane
[22] Import/Export Garages
[23] Tips/Tricks
[23.1] How to Fly Dodo and Tank
[23.2] Ghost Town FAQ
[23.2.1] What is Ghost Town?
[23.2.2] What is Blue Hell or The Underworld?
[23.2.3] FAQ
[23.2.4] How to Fly to Ghost Town
[23.4] Free Weapons and Other Stuff
[23.5] Hooker Trick
[24] Gang Guide
[25] FAQ
[26] Bugs/Glitches
[27] Cheat Codes
[28] Radio Guide
[29] More By Me
[30] Disclaimer
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Version History
---------------
Thursday May 20, 2004
Version 1.0
-Completed everything up to the walkthrough.
-Finished Luigi's missions.
Friday May 21, 2004
Version 2.0
-Finished all missions up to Staunton Island.
Saturday May 22, 2004
Version 3.0
-Finished everything.
-Added Radio Guide, with all the songs and Chatterbox lyrics.
Sunday May 23, 2004
Version 4.0
-Added Vigilate Missions.
-Added Rampage and Insane Jump Locations.
-Changed title.
-Added Import/Export Garages
-Added the Emergency Crane.
Monday May 24, 2004
Version 5.0
-Completed the Hints/Tricks section that included Ghost Town FAQ, How to Fly, Hooker
Trick, and Free Weapons and other stuff.
Tuesday May 25, 2004
Version 6.0
-Added the Gang Guide, including the name and their set of wheels.
-Added FAQ
-Added Bug/ Glitches section.
Wednesday May 26, 2004
Version: 7.0
-Updated Vehicle Guide.
-Updated Gang Guide.
Thursday May 27, 2004
Version 8.0
-Updated the Cheat Codes Section.
-Updated Bugs/Glitches.
-Updated Hidden Package locations.
Tuesday June 1, 2004
Version 9.0
-Layout update.
-Updated Gang Guide.
Tuesday June 15, 2004
Version 10.0
-Updated Vehicle Guide.
Sunday, September 5, 2004
Version 11.0
-I cancelled by Vice City and San Andreas projects.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
*************************************************************************************
[2] Game Basics
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[2.1] Vehicle/On Foot Controls
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Use the below controls when on foot.
CONTROL ACTION
------- ------
L1 Look Foward
L2 Change Weapon (left)
R1 Auto Target
R2 Change Weapons (right)
R3 Look Behind
Arrows Move
Left Stick Move
Right Stick First-Person View
Select Change Camera View
Start Pause Menu
Triangle Enter/Exit Vehical
Circle Fire Weapon
Square Jump
X Run (Hold or Tap)
Use the below controls when behind the wheel.
CONTROL ACTION
------- ------
L1 Change Radio Station
L2 Look to the Left
L3 Sound Horn or Siren
L2+R2 Look Behind
R1 Hand Brake
R2 Look Right
R3 Activate Vigilante in Police Car
Arrows Steer
Left Stick Steer
Right Stick Firehose on Firetruck
Select Change Camera View
Start Pause Menu
Triangle Exit/Enter Vehical
Circle Car Weapon
Square Brake/Reverse
X Accelerate
_____________________________________________________________________________________
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[2.2] Saving Your Game
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are able to save your game in your hideout when you are not on a mission. Your
hideout is represented by a green house symbol on the map. Your hideout has a garage
to keep cars in, and some kind of enetrance. The garages hold more cars in each
island. The Portland Hideout Garage fits one car, the Staunton Island Hideout can
fit two in its garage and your Shoreside Vale Hideout can fit up to four cars. When
you enter the specific entrance in your hideout, you'll get the option to save your
game. Doing so advances the game clock by six hours.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[2.3] Busted and Wasted
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are many ways to get wasted or 'die' in this game.
-Shot
-Blown Up
-Drowning
-Run Over
-Crushed
-Catching Fire
When you are wasted, you will lose some money, all your weapons and end up at the
hospital. Any mission you were working on will fail.
There is only one way to get busted in the game; having a cop arrest you. You will
lose some money and all your weapons and end up at the police station. If you were
in a mission and got busted you fail that mission.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[2.4] Wanted Level
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the top corner of the screen, you'll see six black sars. These stars represent
your wanted level, or how much the authority wants your ass dead. Doing illegal
things, such as carjacking or killing will increase your wanted level if seen by an
officer. As the level increases, so do the authorities going after you.
LEVEL AUTHORITIES
----- -----------
1 Cops on foot will chase after you or in one police car.
2 Two police cars will go after you more violently.
3 The SWAT team will arrive and a helacopter will shoot.
4 More violent helacopter, SWAT, and Police after you.
5 The FBI joins in with the SWAT, police, and chopper
6 The Army comes in to help with tanks and army trucks.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[2.5] Exercise
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your character builds stamina throughout the game. Running helps. The character
eventually gets tired but after a while, he'll be able to run longer without
stopping for a while. Even better, instead of holding X, tap it and repeat so he'll
run even longer.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[2.6] Hidden Packages
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are 100 'Hidden Packages' hidden and scattered througout the 3 islands. See
Package locations later on for the locations and prizes for every 10.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
*************************************************************************************
[3] Car Basics
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[3.1] Driving
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What good is this game without driving? Any car in the game can be carjacked unless
it's locked. Some cars lose control when speeding and then making a sharp turn. keep
this in mind when your running away from the cops.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[3.2] Radio
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And what good is a car without a radio? This has got to be the best variety of
channels I've ever heard. If I were to sugguest one it'd be either FlashbackFM or
Chatterbox. See the "Radio Guide" for lyrics to evry song.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[3.3] When to Stay and When to Go
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cars aren't invincible. So don't count on them all of the time for protection. When
the engine is smoking black smoke, you better be cautioned. One or two more hits and
flames will start to come out. Bail now!!!!!!!!!!! It's about to explode and if you
stay in, you die! They'll also blow if they're flipped upside down or on their side.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[3.4] Fast Car or Slow Car?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You may think the slow ones are useless and the fast ones are the only cars needed
in this game. However, note that fast cars usually blow up easier and flip easier.
Slow ones don't flip that easily and have a better defence.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
*************************************************************************************
[4] Statistics
*************************************************************************************
When you go to the pause menu (start), moving words will show, saying your certain
progresses throughout th game such as.........
Percentage Completed
Mission Attempts
Missions Passed
Rampages Passed
Hidden Packages Found
Unique Stunt Jumps
Days Passed
Cars Exploded
Times Busted
Times Wasted
Distance in Car
Distance on Foot
Cars Crushed
.........etc.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
*************************************************************************************
[5] Item Guide
*************************************************************************************
Health- You have 100 health points. If it goes to 0, you are wasted. Must I explain?
Armor- An extra 100 pojts you can buy from an Ammunation.
Police Bribes- Stars that lower wanted level by one star.
Adreneline Pills- These pills raise your stength and slow down time for a period.
Rampages- These pills let you cause destruction in a certain time limit.
Hidden Packages- boxes scattered between the 3 islands. Try to find all 100.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
*************************************************************************************
[6] Weapons Guide
*************************************************************************************
AK-47- Very nice fire power. More powerful than Uzi but you can't run while using it.
Baseball Bat- Unlike fists, this knocks people down in one swing.
Flamethrower- The name explains.
Grenades- The longer you hold circle, the farther it is thrown.
Handgun- Basic gun of the game. They'll kill in 6 shots.
M-16- I love this sniper rifle. Kills in one shot and great for those sneaking acts.
Molotov Cocktail- Throw this and the fire department will be here in no time.
Rocket Launcher- Another one in which the name explains. Most powerful in the game.
Shotgun- You get five shots when you jack a police car and exit. Very powerful.
Uzi- The perfect drive-by weapon.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
*************************************************************************************
[7] Vehicle Guide
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[7.1] Sports Cars, Speedsters, and Muscle Cars
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Banshee
-------
Speed: 10/10
Handling: 6/10
Damage: 4/10
Overall: 8/10
One of the fastest cars in the game and the fastest you'll find in Portland yet it
is very fragile. Banshees can be found in Easy Credit Autos on Portland, or driving
around in Staunton Island or Shoreside Vale.
Borgnine
--------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 8/10
Overall: 8/10
This cannot be obtained unless you get 100 fares. It looks just like the Cabbie
except it's red. The Borgnine can be found parked outside the Borgnine Taxis
building in Harwood-Portland.
Cheetah
-------
Speed: 10/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 8/10
This is a low, sleek sports car. Cheetahs can be found in Staunton Island and
Shoreside Vale, especially near the airport.
Infernus
--------
Speed: 10/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall: 8/10
Similar to the Cheetah but a bit harder to find. This has a nice look so this is my
favorite car of the game. They can be found mostly in Shoreside Vale around the
airport or in the airport parking lot across from the firestation.
Stallion
--------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall: 7/10
This is a 80's car. Stallions are basically found on all three of the islands.
Stinger
-------
Speed: 10/10
Handling: 6/10
Damage: 5/10
Overall: 8/10
This car is fast and can sometimes be found with an open top. They are most common
on Staunton Island or on Shoreside Vale near the airport.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[7.2] Trucks and Large Offroad Vehicles
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BF Interjection
---------------
Speed: 8/10
Handling: 9/10
Damage: 8/10
Overall: 8/10
This is a great offroad machine. It is pretty rare, however. It can only be found
parked outside near El Burro's payphone.
Bobcat
------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 6/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall: 7/10
This is a pickup truck and is common on all three islands.
Landstalker
-----------
Speed: 8/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 8/10
Overall: 8/10
Some think this is actually the Maibatsu Monstrosity because it looks as they
describe it but no......it's a nice SUV though. Lanstalkers are common in Staunton
Island and Shoreside Vale.
Linerunner
----------
Speed: 5/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 9/10
Overall: 7/10
It's not that fast but what do you expect from a truck this size...It is useful to
plow through traffic for some enjoyment. They are found at Greasy Joes' or at the
harbor.
Mr. Whoopee
-----------
Speed: 6/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 8/10
Overall: 7/10
This is a ice cream truck. It is the rarest truck in the game. There are two ways to
find it. They are sometimes driving in Cedar Grove-Shoreside Vale or when doing a
fire truck mission, they are found in Cochrane Damn-Shoreside Vale, or Pike Creek-
Shoreside Vale.
Mr. Wongs
---------
Speed: 6/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 8/10
Overall: 7/10
This is basically a different version of the Triad Fish Van. They can be found in
Chinatown-Portland.
Mule
----
Speed: 8/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 9/10
Overall: 8/10
The name makes you think it's slow but this is one fast truck! It can be found
driving in Trenton-Portland.
Patriot
-------
Speed: 8/10
Handling: 9/10
Damage: 8/10
Overall: 9/10
This is a very nice truck to drive around. It looks exactly like a Hummer and can be
found at Supa Save Grocery Store in Trenton-Portland.
Trashmaster
-----------
Speed: 5/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 9/10
Overall: 7/10
A basic garbage truck. They can be found in Aspatria-Staunton Island and Rockford-
Staunton Island.
Yankee
------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall: 7/10
This is a good truck to drive. It has the name of my favorite baseball team and has
good categories. It can be found in Trenton-Portland.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[7.3] Midsize Economy Cars
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cabbie
------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall: 7/10
This is a better cab than the Taxi. it can be found parked outside the cabbie
building in Trenton-Portland or driving around in Staunton Island or Shoreside Vale.
Esperanto
---------
Speed: 5/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 7/10
Overqall: 6/10
This car has a nice look but bad speed, however that gives it good handling. They
are found most commonly in Portland View-Portland.
Idaho
-----
Speed: 6/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 6/10
Just slightly faster than the Esperanto. They are most commonly found in Portland
View-Portland.
Kuruma
------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall; 7/10
This is a basic sedan. It can be found on all three islands.
Manana
------
Speed: 4/10
Handling: 5/10
Damage: 5/10
Overall: 4/10
This is a small car that is poor. It can be found on all three islands.
Pan Lantic
Speed: 6/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall: 7/10
This is a van that advertizes the construction site in Fort Staunton-Staunton Island
and that is where they can be found.
Perennial
---------
Speed: 4/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 5/10
Who would want a station wagon....honestly...They are found on all three islands.
Sentinel
--------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 5/10
Overall: 6/10
Most prefer the Mafia version but this is still a good car to have. They can be
found in all three islands.
Taxi
----
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall: 7/10
This is the most common vehicle in the game. You can't miss them.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[7.4] Limos
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stretch
-------
Speed: 5/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall: 7/10
You'll be using this in the bewginning and then they are driving around in Staunton
Island.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[7.5] Heavy Duty Vehicles
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bus
---
Speed: 5/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 10/10
Overall: 6/10
They are pretty hard to find. Most likely, they'll be around the football stadium in
Staunton Island and driving a Coach works. Pretty old-fashioned bus.
Coach
-----
Speed: 5/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 10/10
Overall: 6/10
More common than the bus and more modern. They are found parked in Trenton-Portland.
Flatbed
-------
Speed: 4/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 10/10
Overall: 7/10
This is similar to the Barracks OL except the back is flat.
Securicar
---------
Speed: 6/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 8/10
Overall: 7/10
This is a heavy duty van. It is practically bulletproof and pretty hard to find.
They are most common is Aspatria-Staunton Island.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[7.6] Vans
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blista
------
Speed: 6/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 6/10
This is an okay minivan and can be found only in Staunton Island or Shoreside Vale.
Moonbeam
--------
Speed: 6/10
Handling: 6/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall; 6/10
This is a family van. It can be found commonly in Atlantic Queys-Portland.
Pony
----
Speed: 5/10
Handling: 5/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 5/10
This is a poor van with bad speed, handling, and damage tolerance. It is common in
Trenton-Portland.
Rumpo
-----
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall: 7/10
This is a good van. Better than the others. It can be found in Trenton-Portland
parked slightly east of the Callahan Bridge.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[7.7] Emergency Vehicles
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ambulance
---------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 6/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall: 7/10
Press R3 to activate the Vigilante mission. They can be founsd parked at the
hosptols on the three islands.
Barracks OL
-----------
Speed: 5/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 10/10
Overall: 7/10
Most people don't think this is an emergency vehicle but it is. It doesn't have a
vigilante but it can plow through trafic. They go after you when you have a 6-star
wanted level.
Enforcer Van
------------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 6/10
Damage: 8/10
Overall: 7/10
This is the van the SWAT team uses. They'll go after you when you have a 4-star
wanted level.
FBI Car
-------
Speed: 8/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 8/10
This is a FBI version of the Kuruma. Press R3 to do Vigilante. Press L3 sofly to
activate the siren and people will move out of your way.
Firetruck
---------
Speed: 4/10
Handling: 9/10
Damage: 10/10
Overall: 8/10
Press R3 to activate the Vigilante missions. Firetrucks are parked at the fire
houses on all three islands.
Police Car
----------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 7/10
This is the second most common vehicle in the game. Press R3 to activate the
Vigilante missions. Police cars can be found driving around and parked at the police
departments on all three islands.
Rhino Tank
----------
Speed: 4/10 or [8/10(see below)]
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 10/10
Overall: 10/10
This is the tank that will chase after you if you get a 6-star wanted level along
with the Barracks OL. The tank is bulletproof and the only things that can be
damaged are the doors so that gives it a perfect damage tolerance. Press R3 to
activate the Vigilante missions.
(NOTE: The tank can go faster by turning the turret backwards and firing)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[7.8] Gang Cars
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cartel Cruisers
---------------
Speed: 8/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 7/10
This is the Columbian Cartel gang car. You can find them cruising around in Fort
Staunton-Staunton Island or Cedar Grove-Shoreside Vale. You can also get one after
beating the "Bomb Da Base Act 2" near where the boat that you sunk was. They are
blue jeep-like crusing machines. It has good speed and handloing but not as good as
the Patriot and Landstalker. And it also seems as if the engine is too small for
this machine.
Diablo Stallion
----------------
Speed: 8/10
Handling: 6/10
Damage: 5/10
Overall: 7/10
This is the Diablo gang car. You can find them cruising around in the Diablo
territory, Hepburn Heights. This roadster has good speed yet that is it. The
handling and damage tolerance can be better but it's still a good car to have. It
has the most powerful engine in the game, hearing the sound it makes.
Hoods Rumpo XL
--------------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 8/10
Overall: 8/10
This is the Red Jacks, Purple Nines, and Southside Hood's gang car. You can find
them cruising around Witchita Gardens. This van just looks like a rusty Rumpo but
once you get behind the wheel, you'll notice it's speed is pretty impressive. The
breaking is poor and this isn't the fastest gang machine but it is, without a doubt,
the fastest van in the game.
Mafia Sentinel
--------------
Speed: 9/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 7/10
Overall: 8/10
This is the Leon family Mafia gang car. You can find them cruising along around
Saint Marks, especially near Salvatore's mansion. This is my favorite gang machine
and has a nice sporty style and you can mistake it as the FBI car. Unlike the
regular Sentinel, it has a spoiler in the back and grille in the rear windshield. It
is great in all the categories and is one of the best cars in the game.
Triad Fish Van
---------------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 9/10
Overall: 7/10
This is the Triad gang car. You can find them cruising around through Chinatown,
near the basketball courts and over where the Fish factory used to stand. I wouldn't
choose a Fish Van for a gang car but thats the Triads for you.....they are stupid.
It is pretty good in the categories, however.
Yakuza Stinger
--------------
Speed: 10/10
Handling: 7/10
Damage: 5/10
Overall: 8/10
This is the Yakuza gang car. You can find them cruising around the east coast of
Staunton Island and all the way up to Torrington. They are also parked in the
Construction site after Donald Love's mission, "Grand Theft Aero". The acceleration
is a little bit worse but the Yakuza have upgraded the Stinger with better speed and
handling.
Yardie Lobo
-----------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 7/10
Damge: 8/10
Overall: 8/10
This is the Uptown Yardies gang car. You can find them cruising around Newport and
sometimes in Torrington. You can use the Analog sticks to control the hydraulics. If
you cahnge the camera mode into the car, you'll notice the seats are leapard skin.
Very Jamaican-like.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[7.9] Boats and Planes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dodo
----
Speed: 4/10
Handling: 10/10(on ground) 1/10(in air)
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 6/10
This plane takes a hell of a time getting it to fly. I rather use the strategy
flying the tank then trying to get this thing in the air. It can be found at the
airport in the hangar.
Predator
--------
Speed: 7/10
Handling: 9/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 7/10
This is the boat the police use but you cannot activate Vigilante missions in it. It
can be found at the docks near Asuka's apartment.
Reefer
------
Speed: 6/10
Handling: 8/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 7/10
It is the Kuruma of the water.....basic. You use this when escaping from Portland.
You can find a Reefer near asuka's apartment at the docks.
Speeder
-------
Speed: 9/10
Handling: 9/10
Damage: 6/10
Overall: 8/10
This is kind of like the Infernus of the water. It is very fast and has good
handling like all the boats do. There is a speeder parked at the end of the runway
at the airport.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[7.10] Vehicle Reality Comparison
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ambulance........................................Ambulance Paramedics
Banshee..........................................Dodge Viper GT-R
Barracks OL......................................Army Truck
BF Injection.....................................Offroad Beach cruiser
Blista...........................................Dodge Caravan (90's)
Bobcat...........................................Chevy Silverado
Borgnine.........................................Red Chevrolet Bel Air
Bus..............................................School Bus
Cabbie...........................................Chevrolet Bel Air
Cartel Cruiser...................................2001 Chevy Avalanche
Cheetah..........................................Ferrari Modena
Coach............................................Greyhound Coach Bus
Dodo.............................................Small Cessna
Enforcer Van.....................................Official SWAT Van
Esperanto........................................Cadillac DeVill
FBI Car..........................................Dodge Intrepid
Firetruck........................................Offial Firetruck
Flatbed..........................................Same as Barracks OL
Infernus.........................................Lambroghini Diablo
Kuruma...........................................Dodge Intrepid
Landstalker......................................Chevy Blazer
Linerunner.......................................Moving Van front
Manana...........................................1985 Poniac Sunbird
Moonbeam.........................................Chevy Astro
Mr. Whoopee......................................1960 Volkswagon Hippy Van
Mr. Wongs.........................................Delivery Truck
Mule..............................................Delivery Truck
Pan Lantic........................................Same as Moonbeam, basically
Patriot...........................................Hummer
Perennial.........................................Stationwagon
Police Car........................................Official Police Car
Pony..............................................Chevy Astro
RC Car............................................Hotwheels remote control RC car
Rhino.............................................Official Army tank
Rumpo.............................................Chevy Astro
Rumpo XL..........................................Chevy Astro
Securicar.........................................Bankroll armored MoneyTruck.
Sentinel..........................................BMW 535i
Mafia Sentinel....................................Honda CRX (if it wasn't 4-doored)
Stallion..........................................1965 Chevrolet Convertible
Diablo Stallion...................................1965 Chevrolet with painted flame.
Stinger...........................................Mazda RX-7
Yakuza Stinger....................................Silver and red Mazda RX-7
Yankee............................................Delivery Truck
Yardie Lobo.......................................Pinto
Stretch...........................................QVM Lincoln Limousine
Taxi..............................................Chevrolet Malibu
Toyz..............................................Chevy Astro
Triad Fish Van....................................Delivery Truck
Trashmaster.......................................Typical garbage truck
_____________________________________________________________________________________
[8] Character Guide
8-Ball-
You meet up with him at the beginning. He introduces you to Luigi and is an expert
on bombs.
Luigi Goterelli-
He gives you all your starting missions. He's the lowest posotion of the Mafia but
he's tough. Mess with his girls and you're dead!
Joey Leone-
He is Salvatore's son. Joey owns a garage in Trenton where he fixes stolen cars. His
missions will be to kill the forelli's or rob a bank. He'll keep you busy.
Tony Cipriani-
He owns Mama's restaurants with his mother. He hates the Triads and the Triads will
hate you when he's done with you.
Salvatore Leone-
He's the Don of the Mafia. He is tough to please but he pays you good. His missions
will involve messing with the Triads one last time before you find he's a
backstabber.
Maria-
She is Salvatore's girlfirend but she seems to like you more than him. She is more
of a main character later on and she'll protect you from Salvatore later on as well.
Asuka Kasen-
Asuka hates the Mafia and is a memeber of the Yakuza. She's your first contact in
Staunton Island.
Kenji Kasen-
He is the leader of the Yakuza and Asuka's brother. He also owns a Casino in
Torrington. He is againced the Columbian Cartel.
Ray Machowski-
He's a very private person and whoever finds out something he doesn't want them to
know, you are to kill.
Donald Love-
Owner of Love Media and a muli-millionaire.
Catalina-
Took everything from you and left you for granted. She is the head of the Colombian
Cartel and you'll face her later on.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
*************************************************************************************
[9] Main Missions
Portland - Industrial District
*************************************************************************************
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Into Mission: "Give Me Liberty"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the cutscene, get into the Kuruma with 8-Ball and follow the marker on the map
and reach your hideout. After you change clothes, get back into the Kuruma and go to
the next marker where you'll meet Luigi. He decides to give you some jobs so you can
start out. Now save if you want and notice the big 'L' on the map.
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Luigi Goterelli
*************************************************************************************
Follow the L to Luigi's club to get his missions.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Luigi's Girl
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Find a car and pick up misty then bring her back to Luigi's.
Reward: $1500
Jack a car and then follow the green blip on the radar to the hospital. Stop in
front of Misty and she'll get in. Drive her back to Luigi's and park in the blue
meter. Once she is back, you receive your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't Spank Ma' Bitch Up
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Kill a Spank pusher and take his car to get it resprayed.
Reward: $4000
Luigi is not happy that this guy is pushing SPANK to his girls. Pick up the baseball
bat across the street from the club and then jack a car. Follow the green blip to
Portland Harbor. Go to the guy with the arrow above him. He'll go after you. Whack
him with the bat until he dies and then take his car. Drive to Paint N' Spray to get
rid of the evidence. It's usually $1000 but this time it's free. Go get your reward
afterwards.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drive Misty For Me
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Drive Misty to Joey's garage in Trenton.
Reward: $1000
Jack a car and then follow the blip to Hepburn Heights and pick Misty up by driving
into the marker and sounding the horn (R3). Drive her to Trenton by following the
blip and after everything's done, Joey will offer you missions. Ignore him for now
and a phone will start ringing. See Extra Missions for the Phone missions. Continue
doing Luigi's missions for now.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pump Action Pimp
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Kill a pimp.
Reward: $4000
Drive to the gun icon on the radar and the owner says he's lefts guns for you in the
back. Practice shooting the targets if you want and then jack a car. Ram the guy in
the Diablo Stallion until he gets out. Then run the pimp over to get your rward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fuzz Ball
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Deliver at least 5 of the 8 girlds to the ball in a time limit.
Reward: $2000-$4000
This is a timed mission. You have 5 minutes to deliver 5 girls to the ball. If any
of the girls gets killed, it's mission failed. You get $1000 for each girl after 4
are already there. You get your reward afterwards. That ends Luigi'sd missions and
now you can go to Joey's missions.
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Joey Leone
*************************************************************************************
Follow the J on the map to get Joey's missions.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike 'Lips' Last Lunch
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Steal Mike's car, rig it with a bomb, return it and blow his ass up!
Reward: $10,000
Try to jack a fast car for this is a timed mission. Follow the blip on the map to
Marco's Bistro. Steal the car with the blue arrow over it. Afterwards, the new blip
on the radar will direct you to 8-Ball's autoyard. Pull into the garage and rig the
car with a bomb. Try not to crash at all or you'll need to get it resprayed at Pay
N' Spray. Return the car to Marco's Bistro in the exact same place as it was where
you found it. Before exiting the car, press circle to detonate the bomb. When Mike
comes out of the restaurant, get out of the way so you are not in the mess. Mike
will start his car and the bomb will explode taking Mike with it. You then get your
reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Farewell 'Chunky' Lee Chong
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Drive to Chinatown with some firepower and kill Chunky Lee Chong.
Reward: $10,000
Head over to Amunation if you don't have any guns. If you have some already, follow
the blip on the map to Chinatown. Chunky is in an alley way which cars can't enter
running his noodlestand. Run towards him and triad memebers will shoot you. Wipe
them out and you'll notice Chunk has run to his car. Follow him and keep on ramming
him until the car blows. When that is done, you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Van Heist
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Ram a Securicar and take it to Portland Harbor.
Reward: $20,000
Try to jack a durable car such as a van and head towards the blip on the map
representing the Securicar you need to steal. It has a damage meter at the top of
the screen. When you find it, keep on ramming it until the meter is full. If you hit
it and a cop sees, you'll get a one or two star wanted level. When the drivers bail,
steal the Securicar and take it to Portland Harbor, the blip on the map. Drive it
into the first garage and you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cipriani's Chauffeur
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Drive Tony to a Laundrymat and then his restaurant.
Reward: $3,000
Tony wants you to stop at a laundry mat before you take him home because the Triads
aren't paying the rent. Follow the blip on the map to the laundry mat. It an ambush
however. Tony runs back into the car and now you have to take him home. If you have
a wanted level, go to Pay N' Spray before you take him to the restaurant. When you
get there, Tony offers you work. But right now lets finish up Joey's missions.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dead Skunk In The Trunk
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Take a car to the crusher.
Reward: $10,000
Drive to the car near the Greasy Joe's diner. Get into the car with the arrow above
it and you see the Forelli borthers have been waiting for you. Try to get away by
following the blip on the map to the car crusher. Pull into the marker and wait for
the car to be crushed. You then get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Getaway
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Pick up Joey's men, take them to the bank, and then get them back home.
Reward: $30,000
Find a fast car that fits 4 such as the Mafia Sentinel. Pull into the marker by
following the blip on the map. Sound the horn and three men will get in. Get them to
the bank so they can rob it. Afterwards, you'll have a 3-star wanted level. Go to
Paint N' Spray and then drive them back to the place you got them by following the
blip on the map. You then get your reward. That is the last of Joey's missions. Time
to move on to Tony.
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Tony Cipriani
*************************************************************************************
Follow the T on the map to get Tony's missions.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taking Out The Laundry
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Destroy 3 Triad vans driving around.
Reward: $20,000
There are 3 Triad fish vans driving around Portland. It is best to get an Uzi for
some drive-by destruction. Afterwards, follow the blips on the map and drive-by
shoot the vans until they are all blown up. You then get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pick-Up
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: The Triads have decided to pay. Pick up the briefcase for Tony.
Reward: $10,000
Grab a car and follow the blip to Chinatown. There is a briefcase in the middle of
an alleyway. Pick it up and 3 groups of Triads will ambush you. Get back into your
cars and run all of them over to get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Salvatore Called A Meeting
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Get Luigi, Joey, and Tony to Salvatore's mansion.
Reward: $15,000
Follow the blip to Joey's garage in Trenton. He'll give you a new limo and then
he'll get in. Afterwards, follow the blip to Luigi's club and sound the horn to pick
him up there. Then follow the blip back to Tony's and pick him up. Now follow the
final blip to Salvatore, the leader of the Mafia's mansion. The Triads will go after
you. Keep following the blip and when you get there, the path is being blocked by
Triads and their vans. Drive-by them to clear it up. Then enter the mansion and park
the limo into the garage to get your reward. Salvatore will offer you missions. You
must complete his first mission before you can continue with Tony. Go to the
Missions by Salvatore section then continue Tony's missions.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Triads and Tribulations
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Take Tony's men to Chinatown and destroy Triad warlords.
Reward: $30,000
You and two men have to destroy 3 warlords of the Triads. The first one is in the
parking lot with the stairs to the train station. The second one is in the alley way
you killed Chunky Lee Chong in. The third one is in the Triad Fish factory. Jack a
Triad fish van and you can enter. Get out and sneak behind the building to the left
and kill him behind his back. It doesn't matter if the two men get kiiled. You then
get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blow Fish
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Rig a truck with a bomb and detonate it to blow up gas canisters.
Reward: $30,000
Follow the blip to 8-Balls autoyard and you'll see a truck with an arrow over it.
Rig it with a bomb and then drive it to the Triad Fish Factory by following the
blip. The truck has a damage meter so if it becomes full, the truck will blow up.
Detonate the bomb and exit the vehical and get out of the way. It'll blow up and the
fish factory will be destroyed. That is the end of Tony's missions.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: After you complete all of Tony's missions the Triads will now hate you and
shoot you when you enter Chinatown. They will also pull you out of your car so be
cautioned when driving around in Chinatown.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Salvatore Leone
*************************************************************************************
Follow the S on the map to get Salvatore's missions.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaperone
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Drive Maria to a friend, to a party and then back to Salvatore's mansion.
Reward: $10,000
You get the limo again for this mission. Drive Maria to her friend in the Red Light
District. Her fiend will tell her about a party. Drive her there and she'll tell you
to wait while she shakes her booty. While waiting, turn the limo the other way and
the police will come to raid the party. Get Maria in the limo again and then you'll
get a 2-star wanted level. Lose the cops and then drive Maria back to the mansion to
get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cutting The Grass
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Follow Curly Bob to his home and then kill him.
Reward: $15,000
Take one of Salvatore's Mafia Sentinels and then drive to Luigi's club and you'll
see a taxi. Bob will get in and a spook meter will appear. You can't get too close
to the taxi or Bob will know who you are and you'll fail. The taxi isn't on the map
so stay close enough to keep up. When Bob gets out at the docks and talks to some
mobsters, kill him by running him over or shooting him. You then get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bomb The Base Act One
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Drive to 8-Ball's house and then raise $100,000.
Reward: N/A
Take one of Salvatore's Mafia Sentinels and drive to 8-Ball's autoyard. Walk into
the blue meter by the door and he says you need $100,000 to get the kind of bomb he
needs to blow the base up. So you can't carry on until you raise that amount of
money. When you are done, go back to 8-Ball's door.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bomb The Base Act Two
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Shoot guards on a ship to make the coast free for 8-Ball.
Reward: $100,000
Get back into the Mafia Sentinel and drive to Portland Harbor by following the blip
on the map. When there, 8-Ball will say he'll rush in once you make the first shot
from the Sniper Rifle. Go up the adder that is around the corner and look into the
scope. There are two guards by the ramp. Kill them both and 8-Ball will rush in.
Shoot all the gurads on the ship and work your way to the right. If 8-Ball gets
killed, you fail. When you kill all the gurads the ship blows up and 8-Ball gets off
safely just as the ship sinks. You then get your big reward and are ready for your
last mission on Portland Island.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last Requests
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Drive to Luigi's but Maria pages you. Go to her instead.
Reward: $20,000
Follow the blip to Luigi's club. when you enter the Red Light District, Maria will
page you saying it's a trap. She wants you to meet her in Callahan Point instead.
Follow her blip to the dock where you'll meet her and her friend, Asuka Kasen. You
then get into a boat. Follow the blip on the map and you'll end up finally on
Staunton Island! Asuka shows you your new hideout. You get your reward and Asuka
offers you missions. Right now save your game in you new hideout and notice your 2-
car garage! Welcome to Staunton Island!
*************************************************************************************
[11] Staunton Island - Commercial District
*************************************************************************************
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Asuka Kasen
*************************************************************************************
To get her missions, visit Asuka's apartment by following the A on the map.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sayonara Salvatore
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Drive over to Luigi's club and kill Salvatore.
Reward: $25,000
You have 3 minutes to drive over to Luigi's club in the Red Light District. Go over
the Callahan Bridge and stop at Luigi's club. Enter and climb the stairs and stay
away from the edge or his Mafia gang will see you. When Salvatore, with an arrow
over him, walks out, shoot him with a Sniper Rifle and you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Under Surveillance
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Kill groups of Mafia around Staunton Island.
Reward: $15,000
When Asuka finishes, grab the Yakuza Stinger in the parking lot and 3 blips will
show up on the map. If you don't have a sniper rifle already, get one from
Ammunation. The first group is in the island of the pond in the Belleville Park. The
seond group is in a black van in Bedford Point. It takes a couple of shots from a
sniper rifle but it'll eventually blow. The final group is a big one. Head to the
casino in Torrington and climb the stairs all the way to the top. There is Mafia on
each platform of the building across the street. The people have Uzi's which won't
shoot that far. Kill them all and you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paparazzi Purge
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Chase a reporter from a police boat and kill him before he gets away.
Reward: $5000
There is one hard way and one easy way to do this. The easy way is to use the weapon
cheat (R2, R2, L1, R2, left,down,right,up,left,down,right,up) and use the rocket
launcher to blow the bat with the arrow over it. The hard way is to go down south
and then use the southern dock and enter the police bat with the arrow above it.
Then shoot the reporter before he docks and gts away. I, oviously, recommend the
easy way. You then get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pay Day For Ray
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Drive from phone to phone and give Ray his pay.
Reward: $10,000
You need to have spped to pass this mission. You'll go from payphone to payphone
until you reach Ray, who is oviosly a very private person. You get 3 minutes to do
this. The first payphone is in Torrington. Ray tells you to go to the phone in
Belleville Park. Head over there. Ray then tells you to get to the phone in Liberty
Campus. Head there and Ray will tell you to go back to the phone in Belleville Park.
Ray finally says to meet him in the bathroom in the park. Head there and pay him
ands you get your reward. Ray offers you missions but stick to Asuka for now.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two-Faced Tanner
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Kill Tanner.
Reward: $20,000
This is another one of those tough missions. Take the Yakuza Stinger and I recommend
looking for a big army truck called the Barracks OL. Once you got one, head to the
casino in Torrington to see Tanner get into his car. A damage meter appears and you
have to fill it for him to bail. Ram his car hard but unfortunatly, he calls for the
police and you get a 5-star wanted level. This is why you need the Barracks OL. Good
defence and you'll be able to get through the blockades of enforcers. The Brracks OL
is slow but it has good power. Catch up to Tanner and don't let him get away or it's
mission failure. Ram him into the water or fill the damage meter and you get your
reward.
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Kenji Kasen
*************************************************************************************
To get his missions, go to the Casino by following the K on the map.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kanbu-Bust Out
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Bust Kenji's friend out of prison.
Reward: $30,000
Jack a police car by trying to open the door. The cop will get out and you can get
in. But you'll get a 1-star wanted level. Rig the police car with a bomb by
following the 8-Ball icon on the map. Then follow the blip to the police station
Enter the gate that opens on the side and park in the marker in the back of the
station. Detonate the bomb and get out. It'll blow and Kenji's friend runs out. You
now have a 3-star wanted level. Get into the Enforcer van and run through the police
bribe to lower it to a 2-star wanted level. Find a regular car and make sure Kenji's
friend gets in. Take it to Pay N' Spray and then drive Kenji's firend back to his
Dojo to get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grand Theft Auto
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Get 3 cars to a garage in mint condition in 6 minutes.
Reward: $25,000
You have 6 minutes to get 3 cars in perfect condition to a garage. The 3 red blips
represent the three cars, a Stinger, Cheetah, and Infernus. Be very careful!! If you
just dent it and you'll have to get it resprayed....However, there is a Pay N' Spray
right next to the pink blip, the garage. Park the cars neatly in the garage and go
back for the next one. This is considered, to me, the hardest mission in the game!
Just use good driving skills. When all three are safe in the garage, you get your
reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deal Steal
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Jack a car and then kill some Columbian Cartel.
Reward: $25,000
Head over to Newport and steal a Yardie lobo. Follow the next blip on the map and
stop in the marker and one of Kenji's men will get in the car to help. Head to the
next blip, which leads you to the hospitol. Sound the horn and notice it's a trap.
Columbian Cartel go after you. Run most of them over and then get out and kill the
rest. Then trucks will appear. Destroy all of them and pick up the briefcase that
was dropped. Take it back to Kenji's casino and you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shima
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Pick up some money for Kenji.
Reward: $10,000
Follow the blip to a briefcase on the sidewalk. Get it and then get back in your car
and head to the next blip. This next briefcase is being guarded by a armed man. Run
him over and grab the briefcase. Get back in the car and head to the next blip in
Belleville Park. The briefcase has been stolen. Head to the blip back in Portland in
Hepburn Heights. The Diablos are responsible. Kill them however you wish and then
grab the last briefcase. Then take them all back to Kenji's casino to get your
reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smack Down
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Eliminate SPANK pushers.
Reward: $10,000
This is pretty simple. drive around and kill the 8 SPANK dealers however you like.
This is just one of those missions that does not need a strategy. After all of them
are killed, you get your reward and that ends Kenji's missions. Now move on to Ray's
missions.
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Ray Machowski
*************************************************************************************
Find Ray in the park's mens' restroom by following the R on the map.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Silence The Sneak
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Throw a gernade into a window and then kill the guy escaping in the car.
Reward: $30,000
Follow the blip on the map to an alleyway. The same one you went to in Kenji's
mission, Grand Theft Auto. Find some big durable cars and block the garage door near
the window. Then step away from the window and throw a gernade into the open window.
Once you do, the man can't escape. Fire the cars, including him with a rocket
launcher and once he blows, you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Arms Shortage
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Help Phil fight off some Columbian Cartel.
Reward: $10,000
Follow the blip to the Army Surplus in Rockford and then enter the gate and talk to
Phil. He tells you to stock up on weapons before the Columbian Cartel arrive. Take
all the weapons possible and hop into the post next to Phil and use the machine gun
to destroy them when they get there. Then blow up their Cartel cruisers. Walk around
the boxes and kill the remaining Columbians and then you get your reward. Phil then
offers to sell you some weapons, including a Rocket Launcher!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evidence Dash
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Ram a car until it drops all 6 peices of evidence.
Reward: $10,000
Jack a fast car and then locate the truck with the arrow above it. Continually ram
the truck until it drops all 6 peices of evidence. When you ram the car, you get a 2-
star wanted level. Once you have all 6 evidence peices, do what you can to blow the
car up. Then you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gone Fishing
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Take a police boat and destroy Ray's friend.
Reward: $15,000
Like Asuka's mission, Paparazzi Purge, you can do this the hard way or the easy way.
Go near Asuka's apartment and destroy him with a Rocket Launcher if you want the
easy way. If you want the hard way, chase him in the police boat and fire missels at
him until he sinks. Either way afterwards, you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Plaster Blaster
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Kill a guy in a plaster suit after getting him out of an ambulance.
Reward: $10,000
If the ambulance your after gets to the courthouse, it's mission failure. The police
are guarding the ambulance so once you are spotted, you'll get a 2-star wanted
level. Ram the ambulance and the witness will fall out. The suit he is wearing is
immune to gunfire. Continue running him over until he dies. You then get your
reward, ray will return later but for now, you will do work for Donald Love.
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Donald Love
*************************************************************************************
To get Donald Love's missions, visit the Love Media Building by following the D.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Liberator
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Steal Cartel Cruiser, save oriental man, bring him back to Donald Love.
Reward: $40,000
Drive to Fort Staunton and steal a Cartel Cruiser. once you have one, head to the
red blip on the map. The gate will open now. Once you enter, Columbians will shoot
you. Use a sniper rifle to kill them off. Open all the garages and only one has the
oriental gentleman. The others have Columbians that will shoot you once you open the
garage door. Once you get the oriental gentlman back, drive him back to Love's
building to get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waka-Gashira Wipeout
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Take a Cartel Cruiser and kill Kenji Kasen without being seen.
Reward: $30,000
Steal a Cartel Cruiser and follow the red blip to the top of the parking garage.
When you reach the top, note Kenji with the arrow above his head. Do not exit the
car or they'll see you and you'll fail. Aim for Kenji and run him over. Then exit
the parking garage and exit Newport and abbandon the car by exiting to get your
reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Drop In The Ocean
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Pick up packages dropped by a plane.
Reward: $10,000
You have two minutes to follow a red blip to a speedboat. Hop into it and you'll see
a plane drop packages into the water. Pick all of them up and return to the Love
Media Building to get your reward.
*************************************************************************************
[12] Shoreside Vale - Residental District
*************************************************************************************
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Donald Love 2
*************************************************************************************
Visit Donald Love, still at the Love Media Building by following the D on the map.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grand Theft Aero
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Retreive a package.
Reward: $50,000
Follow the blip on the map to Francis International Airport. Enter the side and go
through near the hangars. The light green one is the one you're looking for. Drive
around tt the front and you'll see a Dodo plane. The package is in there. However,
Columbian Cartel are in there, so go far away and use the sniper rifle to kill them.
When the coast is clear in the hangar, enter the Dodo plane but the package is
missing. The Columbian Cartel have taken it! Get into the Pan Atlantic Van and drive
back to Staunton Island and go to Fort Staunton. Enter the construction site and
kill all the nearby Columbian Cartel. Go upstairs and the package is on the secong
floor. Now enter the maze and use the sniper rifle because there are many Columbian
Cartel here. One is right when you walk in so be careful. After all of them are
dead, enter the lift. You meet up with Asuka, who is torturing a Columbian Cartel,
named Miguel. Asuka will offer you more missions but stick to Donald Love right now.
After the cutscene, you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Escort Service
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Escort the oriental gentleman safely to Shoreside Vale.
Reward: $40,000
Jack a car and drive around the corner and the oriental gentleman will take off in
the Securicar. You have to make sure he get to Shoreside Vale unharmed. Columbian
Cartel will ram the Securicar, raising the damage meter. The man will drive into the
tunnel and you follow. The real chaos occurs when you get out of the tunnel.
Columbian Cartel are parked in the trees and will go after the Securicar when you
pass. Make sure the Securicar gets to his destination safely and you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Decoy
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Distract the cops from the oriental gentleman and Donald Love.
Reward: $35,000
Follow the blip to the place the oriental gentleman parked the Securicar. You have
to distract the cops so that Donald and him get away. Enter the Securicar and your
wanted level will rocket up to 6 stars! You have a lot of authorities on you but
don't worry though because they don't have tanks but Barrack OL's. Survive 3 minutes
without getting wasted or busted and you will get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Love's Dissapearance
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: N/A
Reward: N/A
This isn't a mission but when you enter the Love Media Building, the packages are
gone and Donald Love is gone. Now Ray has one more mission for you so head back to
Belleville Park and enter the restroom.
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Ray Machowski 2
*************************************************************************************
Ray is still found in the restroom in Belleville Park.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marked Man
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Get Ray to the airport before he misses the flight.
Reward: $20,000, Bulletproof Patriot
Get a fast car before you enter the mission. once you and Ray are in the car, you
have a time limit to get Ray to the airport before he misses his flight. The bridge
is blocked off by the C.I.A. so you have to use the tunnel. At the T instersection,
make a left and then make a left at the next intersection. When you exit the tunnel,
head to the airport and stop in the marker. Ray will leave and give you a key to his
lockup where you'll find some good stuff. Drive to the blip on the map and they'll
be a Bulletproof Patriot, $20,000, Rocket Launcher, Sniper Rifle, and Flamethrower.
Now ou can head to the constructon site to do Asuka's missions.
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Asuka Kasen 2
*************************************************************************************
Asuka is found in the construction site in Fort Staunton by taking the lift.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bait
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Act as bait and lure Death Squads to the Yakuza where they'll kill them.
Reward: $35,000
Head over to Pike Creek on Shoreside Vale by following the blip. You have to lure 3
Death Squads to the Yakuza where they'll kill them. The yellow blip is where the
Yakuza are. The other three are the Death Squads. Drive passed one at a time and
it'll begin to chase you. Head bak to the Yakuza, the yellow blip and the Yakuza
will kill the Death Squad Go back and get the second and then the thrid and then
you'll get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Espresso-2-Go!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Destroy 9 coffee stands around the three islands in a time limit.
Reward: $40,000
Since the coffee stands don't appear on the map until you enter the city it's in,
just go around and locate all of them before you do anything else. There are 2 in
Portland, 5 in Staunton Island, and 2 in Shoreside Vale. Once all of them are
located, I sugguest starting in Shoreside Vale and working your way through Staunton
Island and then Portland. The time limit will start after you destroy the first one.
SHORESIDE VALE:
-Francis International Airport: In front of the subway.
-The hospital in Pike Creek.
STAUNTON ISLAND:
-Near the carpark in Newport
-Inside Belleville Park
-In front of the church in Bedford Point.
-Near the one by the church.
-Torrington: Near the statue.
PORTLAND:
-Trenton: Near Portland Harbor.
-Saint Mark's: Across the street from the enterance of Salvatore's mansion.
I sugguest using a Rocket Launcher to destroy the stands. once all of them are
destroyed, you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
S.A.M
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Shoot down a plane and take the packages it dropped.
Reward: $45,000
You have a time limit in this mission. Follow the red blip on the map to the docks
where there is a Rocket Launcher. Grab it and then hop into the boat. Follow the
buoys to the one with the arrow over it. Press triangle to get off the wheel and aim
the Rocket Launcher. When the plane comes, shoot it down and collect all the
packages it dropped. You get a 4-star wanted levl after you shoot the plane down.
Drive back to Staunton Island and go to a Pay N' Pray. Then take the packages back
to the construction site to get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ransom
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Enter the site and then raise $500,000
Reward: N/A
This isn't a mission. You enter the construction site to find Asuka and Miguel dead.
A note from Catlina says to bring $500,000 to her mansion in Cedar Grove on
Shoreside Vale. Raise that money and then enter the marker in front of her mansion
for the last mission!
*************************************************************************************
Missions by Catalina
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Exchange
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Kill Catalina.
Reward: $1,000,000
Walk into the meter in front of Catlina's mansion. You are stripped of your weapons
and Catalina takes off with the money and leaves some Columbian Cartel to kill you.
Take the Cartel cruiser from the grage and exit the mansion. You have a time limit
before Catalina gets away. Follow the helacopter to the lower part of Cochrane Damn.
Use the Rocket Launcher to destroy the blockade at the entrance. Now get out of the
car at the end of the road before the damn and use the sniper rifle to destroy the
nearby Columbian Cartel. When the coast is clear. Head into the damn more. Use the
Rocket Launcher to destroy the Barrack OL's way ahead. When you get close enough,
Catalina will take off in a helacopter and shoot you. Use the Rocket Launcher again
to shoot it down and kill her. Now all you have to do is rescue Maria. Go up the
stairs at the end but not all the way, Jst go up enough so that you can use the
sniper rifle to destroy to Columbian Cartel members guarding Maria. They have
falmethrowers so just kill them before you go up. Head towards Maria and you beat
the game!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
*************************************************************************************
[13] Extra Missions - Extra missions don't need to be done but they do if you want
to get 100% completion.
*************************************************************************************
*************************************************************************************
[14] Extra Portland Missions
*************************************************************************************
************************************************************************************
[14.1] Missions by El Burro
-El Burro's missions can be accessed by using the payphone in Hepburn Heights.
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Turismo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Win a race starting near the Callahan Bridge.
Reward: $10,000
Get a Banshee or a Diablo Stallion before you answer the phone. Head towards the
Callahan Bridge and stop in the marker. The race will start. Make it through all 18
checkpoints in first place and you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I Scream, You Scream
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Pick up the bomb, steal an ice cream truck, blow up Forelli brothers.
Reward: $6000
The briefcase with the bomb in it is right near by from the phone. After you get it,
steal an ice cream thruck, it'll be a blip on the map. once you have it, take it to
the blip on the map and make the music play. The Forellis will make their way to the
truck. They'll start shooting you. Detonate the bomb and get out. If the explosion
doesn't kill them, use some other weapon and you get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trial By Fire
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Kill 25 Triads in 3 minutes.
Reward: $10,000
Follow the gun icon on the map to an alleyway on the edge of Chinatown.Grab the
flamethrower in there and the time will start. Get a car and then go to the
basketball courts and there are Triads there. When you enter they'll shoot you.
Since there in a group, one shot of the flamethrower will kill the whole group or
most of them. The Triads here reporduce themselves so keep walking around the court
until you have killed 25 Triads in the limity.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Big 'n' Veiny
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Collect adult magazines and bring them to the bookstore.
Reward: $20,000
You have 20 seconds to pick up adult magzines and bring them back to the bookstore.
The good news is that not all of them are needed. The bad news is they don't show up
on the map so you have to look for them the hard way.
*************************************************************************************
[14.2] Missions by Marty Chonks
-Marty Chonks' missions can be accessed by answering the payphone in Trenton.
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Crook
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Pick up the bank manage and bring him back to the factory.
Reward: $1000
Enter the factory and take Marty's Perennail and follow the blip to the bank. After
the bank manager gets in, take him back to the factory and Marty will kill him. Then
take the car to the crusher to remove any evidence. You then get your reward.
-NOTE-
Every mission will require you to use Marty's car that he leaves in the factory. If
the car gets too damaged, it's mission failure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Theives
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Pick up some theives and take them back to the factory.
Reward: $3000
Head into the factory again. You are given a Sentinel this time. Follow the blip to
the Red Light District and pick up the theives. Take them back to the factory and
Marty will kill them. Take the car to Pay N' Spray to remove any evidence and you
get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Wife
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Pick up Marty's wife and bring her back to the factory.
Reward: $2000
Head into the factory. You are given an Esperanto this time. Follow the blip on the
map to Marty's wife. Drive her back to the factory and Marty will kill her. You now
need to dump the car into the ocean to get rid of all the evidence. You then get
your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Her Lover
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Pick up Marty's wife's lover and bring him back to the factory.
Reward: $4000
Head into the factory. You are given a Stallion this time. Follow the blip and pick
up the lover. Bring him back to the factory and this time, the lover kills Marty.
You can kill the lover then and get his shotgun. You then get your reward.
*************************************************************************************
[14.3] RC Toyz Missions
-Hop into a certain van and you'll get to control a remote control car.
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mafia Massacre
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Destroy as many Mafia Sentinels as possible.
Reward: $1000 per car destroyed
The van for this RC mission is in an alleyway in Saint Mark's. It's across the
street from Tony's restaurant. It is light blue with a white square on each side.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diablo Destruction
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Destroy as many Diablo Stallions as possible.
Reward: $1000 per car destroyed
The van for this RC mission is located around the corner from the Hepburn Heights El
Train Station.
*************************************************************************************
[14.4] Missions by 4x4
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patriot Playground
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Race through checkpoints.
Reward: $30,000
The Patriot for this mission is located at the Supa Save Grocery Store in Portland
View. Get inside the parked Patriot to start the mission.
*************************************************************************************
[15] Extra Staunton Island Missions
*************************************************************************************
*************************************************************************************
[15.1] Missions by King Courtney
-King Courtney's mission can be accessed by using the payphone near the stadium.
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Interview
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Checkpoint Race
Reward: $1000 per checkpoint
For each checkpoint you pass, you get $1000. You have to get at least half of them
to win. You then get your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uzi Rider
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Go over to Hepburn Heights and kill some Diablos.
Reward: $10,000
Yardies will come to pick you up in a Perennial. You have to drive over to Hepburn
Heights and drive-by kill Diablos until the three Yardies are satisfied. If you are
pulled out of the car, they'll give you 5 seconds to get back in or the Yardies will
think you turned on them and they'll shoot you. The same if you destroy their car.
When you kill enough, drive back to Staunton Island for your reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gangcar Round-Up
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Steal a Mafia Sentinel, Yakuza Stinger and a Diablo Stallion.
Reward: $10,000
Steal a Mafia Sentinel and drive it back to the blip, a garage in Newport. Then do
the same with a Diablo Stallion and Yakuza Stinger.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kingdom Come
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Retrieve stash from a car and destroy SPANKED-up men.
Reward: $10,000
You have 10 minutes to get to a car in an alleyway. When you et there, open the door
and read the letter from Catalina. Then 3 vans with suiside bombers come at you.
When you get control back, run out of the alley and destroy each madman that comes
out after you before it explodes near you. You then get your reward.
Note: After you beat this, the Yardies will now hate you and hurt you when you enter
their territory.
*************************************************************************************
[15.2] RC Toyz 2 Missions
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Casino Calamity
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Destroy as many Yakuza Stingers as possible.
Reward: $1000 per car destroyed.
The van for this mission is located directly across the street from Kenji's casino.
*************************************************************************************
Missions by 4x4 2
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Ride In The Park
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Drive through 12 checkpoints in 2 minutes
Reward: $30,000
The Landstalker for this mission is near the cottage in Belleville Park.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Multi-Story Mayhem
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Drive through 20 checkpoints in 2 minutes.
Reward: Take any car to the carpark and then enter a car that is parked in the
carpark.
*************************************************************************************
[16] Extra Shoreside Vale Missions
*************************************************************************************
*************************************************************************************
[16.1] Missions by D-Ice
-D-Ice's missions can be accessed by using the phone in Wichita Gardens.
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uzi Money
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Kill 20 Purple Nines
Reward: $10,000
Drive-by kill 20 Purple Nines in 2 and a half minutes. They are located in Wichita
Gardens.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Toyminator
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Find a toyminator van and destroy Purple Nines' armored cars.
Reward: $5000
Follow the blip to the Toyminator vans. Use the remote contol cars and destroy the
purple nines' armored cars.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rigged to Blow
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Take D-Ice's car and rig it with a bomb.
Reward: $20,000
Head towards the blip on the map, leading to D-Ice's car. Rig it with a bomb and
then return it where you found it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bullion Run
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Deliver 3 peices of bullion.
Reward: $25,000
Go to Pike Creek and pike up 30 of the peices of gold on the ground. Your cars gets
heavier and slower, the more you get.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rumble
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Battle Purple Nines with D-Ice's brother.
Reward: $10,000
Pick up D-Ice's brother by following the blip on the map. Follow the next blip. You
can only hurt the Purple Nines with a baseball bat. If you use weapons, you fail.
Note: When you beat this, the Purple Nines will dissappear because you killed them
all.
*************************************************************************************
[16.2] Missions by RC Toyz 3
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rumpo Rampage
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Destroy as many Rumpo XL's as possible.
Reward: $1000 per car destroyed.
The van for this mission is in Wichita Gardens, behind your hideout near billboards.
*************************************************************************************
Missions by 4x4 3
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gripped
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Collect 20 checkpoints in 5 minutes.
Reward: $30,000
The Patriot for this mission is at the end of the dirt road in Cedar Grove.
*************************************************************************************
[17] Vigilante Missions
*************************************************************************************
Vigilante missions can be accessed by entering any of the following vehicles and
pressing R3.
Taxi
Cabbie
Ambulance
Fire Truck
Police Car
FBI Car
Enforcer Van
Rhino Tank
These missions allow you to become an officer and stop crimes and get money for the
crimes solved.
*************************************************************************************
[17.1] Taxi Missions
*************************************************************************************
Pressing the R3 button in a Taxi or Cabbie will allow you to be a Taxi driver and
get people to their destinations. If you record 100 people successfully driven to
their destinations, you'll receive the Borgnine Taxi, which will be found in Harwood.
*************************************************************************************
[17.2] Ambulance Missions
*************************************************************************************
Deliver patience to the hospital before time runs out. If you hit something the time
will go faster so careful driving is required. If you save 50 people, you will get a
Health Icon at your hideout. If you save 100 people, Adrenaline Pills will be
delivered to your hideout. If you beat level 12 of the ambulance mission, you will
get infinite run, meaning you won't have to stop for a breath when running.
*************************************************************************************
[17.3] Fire Truck Missions
*************************************************************************************
Drive to burning vehicles and put the fire out. Press circle to spray and right
analog stick controls the hose's direction. Put out 30 fires on each island and
you'll get a flamethrower delivered to your hideout.
*************************************************************************************
[17.4] Authority Vehicle Missions
*************************************************************************************
Drive around and kill suspects. For every 10 criminals you kill, a police bribe is
delivered to your hideout.
*************************************************************************************
[18] Rampage Locations
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M-16 Rampage
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Kill 30 Diablos, using a M-16 in two minutes.
Location: Chinatown
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rocket Launcher Rampage
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Destroy 13 vehicles in two minutes.
Location: Chinatown/Trenton
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AK-47 Rampage
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Objective: Kill 20 Mafia in two minutes.
Location: Saint Mark's
That's all I know for now.......
*************************************************************************************
[19] Unique and Insane Jumps
*************************************************************************************
-The gray power unit can be ramped off of in front of your garage in Portland on
the concrete walkway that is parallel to the river. You must go over the
monorail tracks.
-In Trenton at the docks (right next to the closed in facility where the Diablos
guys are which can only be ramped into). However, the ramp that counts for the
jump is a big pile of dirt right in front of the water, so you must make the
jump entirely or you get kinda wet.
-The Callahan Bridge Portland side. Between the two roads there is a dirt ramp,
you must go off of it from under the bridge (in other words you go from the
road that you pull out of your garage onto) and must go over boooth horizontal
pillars that support the two roads on either side that lead up to the bridge.
-In Portland there is a overhead walkway near the water.
You have to jump it from the grass, in between the road and the water, and
clear the walkway to get the bonus.
-In Staunton Island, there is a 3-4 level parking garage. Drive to the top
level and there is a ramp in the corner. Clear it in a fast car and you will
get the bonus.
-At the entrance to Portland Harbor, turn right. There is a ramp that goes over
a couple of semi truck trailers.
-After jumping the dirt ramp that crosses all the water, keep driving all the
way to the end of the dock, then turn around, drive fast back, and a little to
the right is a ramp jumping a warehouse type building.
-By the entrance to the subway, between Chinatown and the Red Light District,
there is a ramp that jumps up to the train tracks.
-If you go to the hole on the bridge-Portland side- and drive in the middle of
the road, hit the median with the yellow and black stripes. It's a good jump,
but a rough landing.
-First, head over to the airport in Shoreside Vale. Grab a Dodo airplane and
head to the runway. Starting from the side of the runway with the helipad
near it, bring the plane up to full speed, cut through the grass to the
left, and ramp one of the 3 yellow ramps that have a building behind them.
While on the ramp, hold Down on the controller to make the plane go over the
building. If all goes well, you should fly right over it.
-On Staunton Island, there's a four lane road that goes underneath the Callahan
Bridge. It's the road that has the islands in the middle with trees and stuff.
If you're on that road heading south towards Callahan Bridge, you'll notice
that the very first island in the road has a slant to it so you can get on it.
Get on there and speed down it (avoiding the two trees) and there will be a
ramp leading up to Callahan Bridge. If you clear Callahan Bridge, it'll count
as a Unique Jump.
-As you head into the third island from the bridge from Stauton Island, you'll
see a dirt offroad to the right just a short distance past the entrance to the
airport, which should be on your left. Take this offroad, and you'll see a
broken wooden bridge that looks over a river. Clear the river to get the jump.
-Near Joey's Garage. To find it, have Joey's garage behind your vehicle and
exit straight ahead and follow the road as it curves to the right. Keep
following that road and you'll see a ramp in front of a small building. Clear
the building to get the bonus.
-On Shoreside Vale, there are two entrances/exits for the tunnel. Coming
out of the tunnel that ISN'T near the airport, turn right, pass under the
grafitti bridge, and continue up the hill. At the top of the hill, the road
turns sharply to the right. You won't. Keep going straight off the edge.
*************************************************************************************
[20] Hidden Package Locations
*************************************************************************************
Here are the locations and prize list for all the Hidden Packages.
Locations-
----------
PORTLAND PACKAGES
1: Harwood: End of path right near the tunnel.
2: Harwood: Roof of Head Radio Station. Jump off from El Train tracks.
3: ST. Marks: Top of Amco gas station.
4: St. Mark's: Inside EASY CREDIT AUTOS.
5: Portland Beach: Behind Salvatore's mansion.
6: On a ledge below Salvatore's Mansion.
7: Behind the building of Hepburn Heights Towers.
8: In parking lot near El Burro phone in Hepburn Heights.
9: Between trees in Hepburn Heights.
10: One block from Amco gas station in a small parking lot in St. Mark's.
11: Building facing large potholes in St. Mark's.
12: Park in St. Mark's.
13: Roof of building next to Luigi's Sex Club 7 in Red Light District.
14: Roof of Luigi's Sex Club 7.
15: Roof opposite Luigi's Sex Club.
16: Subway in Chinatown in the bathrooms.
17: Rush Construction Company in Red Light District.
18: Long alleyway in St. Mark's.
19: Tramp Tunnel in St. Mark's.
20: Roof of Supa Save in Portland View.
21: Alley behind Hong Hung Inc. in Chinatown.
22: Chinatown roof.
23: Alley behind Roast Peking Duck in Chinatown.
24: Inside the gates of the Bitch 'N' Dog Food Factory in Trenton.
25: Roof of Liberty Pharmaceutical in Trenton.
26: Roof of Portland Docks.
27: In a yard in Trenton.
28: Front of Joey's Garage in Trenton.
29: Power Plant in Callahan Point.
30: Roof of sawmill in Trenton.
31: Behind Turtle Head Fish Co. in Callahan Point.
32: At the end of the pier in Atlantic Quays.
33: Island just south of Portland (accessible by boat).
STAUNTON ISLAND PACKAGES
34: Army Surplus store.
35: Coliseum.
36: Top of hospital.
37: Stadium.
38: East side of University.
39: Construction site.
40: On top of small bridge where there are girders.
41: In Colombian Garage.
42: Construction site.
43: Connecting alley to 8-Ball's.
44: Carpark.
45: Alley south of Coliseum.
46: Jump off of curvy bridge onto rooftop.
47: Under road tunnel.
48: Basketball court.
49: Stadium-Shoreside bridge.
50: Under Park bridge.
51: End of South dock.
52: Alley near Callahan bridge in Newport.
53: Museum.
54: Pier, south of Callahan Bridge.
55: Behind Police Station.
56: Newport, path to Police Station.
57: Behind Church.
58: End of an alley that's shaped weird.
59: Underground Amco parking.
60: Top of Amco roof.
61: Bedfod Point in a glass-breakable building.
62: Doorway, facing an intersection.
63: On roof in the "projects".
64: Behind rocks on pavement near the Pier.
65: Behind a building in the "projects".
66: Underground carpark.
67: On top of a pedestrian only walkway.
68: Behind "star statue" logo.
69: On top of Casino.
SHORESIDE VALE PACKAGES
70: West Dam.
71: East Dam.
72: Tower 1, Dam.
73: "Exchange" helipad in the lower dam.
74: Behind boulder, corner of dam.
75: Behind the furthest Swank house.
76: Front porch, third Swank house.
77: Front porch, fourth Swank house.
78: Colombian mansion.
79: Picnic tables.
80: Fudge Packing Factory.
81: Cedar Grove, in overpass
82: Roof of Police Station.
83: Pike Creek, behind drums.
84: Behind hideout.
85: Wichita Gardens, apartment entrance.
86: Wichita Gardens, in between apartments.
87: Pike Creek, on blue container.
88: Behind hospital.
89: Roof of a large building with a weird awning.
90: Pike Creek, between Turtle Head Storage.
91: Wichita Gardens, under wooden bridge.
92: Airport, parking lot.
93: Airport, under wing in hangar.
94: Airport, on ground next to dome.
95: Airport, under a plane.
96: In front of airport.
97: Subway.
98: Airport, helipad.
99: Airport runway.
100: Airport, end of runway.
===============================================================================
Prize List-
-----------
PACKAGES COLLECTED BONUS
10.........................Handgun
20.........................Uzi
30.........................Grenades
40.........................Shotgun
50.........................Armor
60.........................Molotov Cocktails
70.........................AK-47
80.........................Sniper Rifle
90.........................M-16
100........................Rocket Launcher, $1,000,000.00
*************************************************************************************
[21] Emergency Vehicle Crane
*************************************************************************************
There is a crane on the big ship on Portland Beach. The crane excepts all emergency
vehicles. If you deliver.....
1 Police Car
1 Ambulance
1 Fire Truck
1 Barracks OL
1 Rhino Tank
1 FBI Car
1 Enforcer Van
You get $1500 per vehicle delivered plus $200,000 for delivering all of them. You
then get to order one of the cars you delivered.
*************************************************************************************
[22] Import/Export Garages
*************************************************************************************
Portland
--------
The Portland Import/ Export garage is in the back of Portland Harbor. If you deliver
the follow vehicles to the garage......
1 Securicar
1 Moonbeam
1 Coach
1 Flatbed
1 Linerunner
1 Trashmaster
1 Patriot
1 Mr. Whoopee
1 Blista
1 Mule
1 Yankee
1 Bobcat
1 Dodo
1 Bus
1 Rumpo
1 Pony
You will get $200,000 and you'll be allowed to order one of the cars yo delivered
for free.
Shoreside Vale
--------------
There is alos a Import/Export Garage in Shoreside Vale. If you deliver the following
vehicles to the garage.......
1 Sentinel
1 Cheetah
1 Banshee
1 Stinger
1 Infernus
1 Esperanto
1 Kuruma
1 Stretch
1 Perennial
1 Landstalker
1 Manana
1 Idaho
1 Stallion
1 Taxi
1 Cabbie
1 BF Injection
You'll get $200,000 and one of the vehicles of your choice for free.
*************************************************************************************
[23] Tips and Tricks
*************************************************************************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[23.1] How to Fly the Dodo and Tank
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dodo
--------
-Accelerate by slightly pushing the left analog stick up and tapping X softly.
-When at the end of the runway, let go of the stick and the plane should rise into
the air. Hold back the stick just slightly to raise the nose up.
-Keep the plane level. If the nose is down, pull it back up by slightly pulling the
analog stick down. If the tail is down, push the stick slightly up.
-It'll eventually go down in about 10 seconds unless it is perfectly level.
The Tank
--------
-Do the Dodo Cars cheat and then take a tank to the airport.
-Turn the turret around so it is facing behind you.
-Hold down the down arrow and fire as many rockets as you can to gain spped.
-You shall tak eoff in the air and then control as with the Dodo but the tank will
stay in the air.
-Note is isn't that good with turns.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[23.2] Ghost Town FAQ
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many people have been interested in the mysterious Ghost Town and the place we
call, "Underworld" or "Blue Hell." and wondering if the story is true. Yes it is.
This section of the guide you'll see the FAQ and instructions on how to get to Ghost
Town and "The Underworld". If there are any further questions, e-mail me at
[email protected].
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[23.2.1] What is the Ghost Town?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Ghost Town is a secret island located behind Shoreside Vale that as used in the
making of the beginning when the character robbed the bank. There is no possible way
to walk or land on it because it is not a solid area and it's floating right abaove
the water so it's not really to be considered an island. There are, however, a
couple of peices that are solid such as some trash cans and platforms but they are
all too small to land on. What is peculiar is that all the buildings are only one
wall but the Ghost Town is only basically one street with the Liberty City Bank on
it. The true Callahan Bridge in Staunton Island was used however in the intro and
the bridge is not here. If this description doesn't satisfy you, I'm happy to say
there is a way to get there yourself.....I'll tell you that later on in this section.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[23.2.2] What is the "Underworld" or "Blue Hell"?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Blue Hell or Underworld is the area under the ground! When flying to Ghost Town,
there is a peice of water that is a different blue than the water itself. If you fly
into that, you'll be in Blue Hell. You can see under everything and are able to
drive underwater as well. If you fly down too far, you'll end up on top or in the
tunnel. Heck, you can even walk on the tunnel.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[23.2.3] Ghost Town FAQ
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q-I've heard rumors that Ghost Town is called Carson City, the fourth island.
A-The only I'll say here is that Carson city was mentioned on the Grand Theft Auto 3
radio once but besides that, I've never heard that before. Ghost Town is Ghost Town
so let's make that clear.
Q-Can you land or walk in Ghost Town?
A-Because there are only a few solid things, there is no physical possible way to
land or walk on Ghost Town. It is not even an island but just floating on top of the
water.
Q-Are there moving cars or people in Ghost Town?
A-If you don't know, a Ghost Town is a deserted town with no people. All there is is
a few parked cars such as a Triad Van, and Securicars.
Q-Flying is too hard for my stupid mind! Is there any other way to see Ghost Town?
A-Yes but it requires a Sniper Rifle and you need to be exactly in the right spot.
Climb up the mountain near the closest blocked off tunnel to the Cochrane Damn. Head
right into the wall blocking the way to the Observatory and then with a sniper rifle
in hands, walk over to the wall until you are completely looking and touching it.
Tap the down arrow once so you are facing away from the wall. Look into the sniper
rifle scop and then turn the scope to the wall and zoom in completely. You should
see the entrance to the underworld or Blue Hell. If you zoom in completely, you
shall see some part of the ghost town.
Q-What is in Ghost Town?
A-Besides the bank, there is nothing much but still is interesting to see.
Q-Is there any Hidden Packages or anything important at Ghost Town or is it just
there to see it?
A-There are no packages or anything here needed to get 100% completion.
Q-Do the two blocked off tunnels lead to the Ghost Town or Blue Hell?
A-No. The tunnel isn't really solid and if you fly to Ghos Town, you'll see they
have dead ends.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[23.2.4] How to Fly to Ghost Town
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get a Dodo or a tank and enter the Dodo cars cheat. Face away from Staunton at the
airport runway and then take off. Right when you take off, turn right and fly along
Shoreside Vale's west coast. Ghost Town should pop up like a pop up book eventually.
If you go out too far north passed Ghost Town, you'll end up at the edge of the map
and the game will freeze, having you to reset the game.
That is the Ghost Town FAQ
If any further questions, e-mail me.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[23.4] Free Weapons and Other Stuff
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Free Armor
----------
To get a free armor, enter an Enforcer van and when you exit, you'll have 100% armor.
Free Shotgun
------------
To get a free shotgun, enter and then exit a police car.
Free Rhino Tank
---------------
After beating the last mission, "The Exchange", the Rhino Tank at Phil's Army
Surplus store becomes unlocked.
Free Car Repair
---------------
Instead of using Pay N' Spray and paying $1000, bring the car to your garage and
exit the vehicle and let the door close. Then open the garage and the car is
repaired.
Free AK-47
-----------
There is a free AK-47 near the building behind Tony's restaurant.
Free Molotov Cocktails
----------------------
Near 8-Balls autoyard, is a train tunnel. In it are homeless guys. Kill them to make
them drop the molotov cocktails.
Free M-16
---------
One of the buildings at the bottom area of the Cochrane Damn.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[23.5] Hooker Trick
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pick up a hooker in a convertible and the only money you'll lose is the money while
driving. Go to your hideout and the car will not rock. After she gets out, kill her
to get the money back if you want.
*************************************************************************************
[24] Gang Guide
*************************************************************************************
Throughout the game, there are many gangs you will work for, betray, and work
againced. Each gang has their own look, their own kind of car and their own area.
Here are all the gangs in Liberty City.
The Mafia
---------
Leader : Salvatore Leone
Turf : Around Saint Marks
Business : Protection, Extortion, Robbery
Front : Restaurants, Clubs
Style : Smart, Charming, well-dressed, strong Sicilian family
Characteristics : Very traditional
Vehicle : Mafia Sentinels and Limos, supplied by Joey Leone.
Weapons : Shotguns and Uzi.
Favorite Radio Station : Double Cleff FM
In the beginning of the game, you work for these guys. They carry Uzis then. After
you do Asuka's mission "Sayonara Salvatore", the Mafia will hate you and shoot you
with their new powerful shotguns if you steal Mafia Sentinels or enter Saint Marks.
Two shots will blow your car up so try to stay away from Saint Marks after you leave
Portland.
The Diablos
-----------
Leader : El Burro
Turf : Hepburn Heights
Business : Robbery and Revenge
Front : The streets
Style : Denim, Trainers, Bandannas with slick black hair.
Characteristics : Hispanic street gang
Vehicle : Diablo Stallions
Weapons : Baseball Bats
Favorite Radio Station : Head Radio
The Diablos only have baseball bats so they are an easy fight. They'll hate you
after you do King Courtney's second mission and attack you if you steal a Diablo
Stallion or enter Hepburn Heights.
The Triads
----------
Leader : None
Turf : Chinatown
Business : Protection, Laundry, Bullying the Mafia
Front : Mackerel Factory
Style : Heavily tatooed with blue outfits
Characteristics : Intensely loyal and territorial maniacs.
Vehicle : Triad Fish Vans
Weapons : Baseball Bats and handguns
Favorite Radio Station : Chatterbox FM
These guys will want you dead after you finish Tony's missions. They'll shoot you if
you steal a Triad Fish van or enter Chinatown.
The Yakuza
----------
Leaders : Asuka Kasen and Kenji Kasen
Turf : Torrington and East Coast of Staunton Island.
Business : Gambling, Protection, Counterfeiting
Front : Casinos
Style : Impeccably dressed
Characteristics : Traditonal Japanese crime synicate centeries old.
Vehicle : Yakuza Stingers
Weapons : Uzis
Favorite Radio Station : Lips 106
The Yakuza are on your side so they will not attack you.....unless you jack theirs
cars.
The Columbian Cartel
--------------------
Leaders : Catalina and Miguel
Turf : Fort Staunton and Cedar Grove
Business : Killing anyone
Front : Freight
Style : Ten gallon hats, jeans and cwboy boots.
Characteristics : Ruthless and disloyal
Vehicle : Cartel Cruisers
Weapons : Uzis and AK-47's
Favorite Radio Station : Flashback FM, Rise FM
The Columbian Cartel hate you from the beginning for working with the Yakuza. They
don't fight in groups. In Staunton Island, they have Uzis. In Shoreside Vale,
however, they have AK-47 so be careful when driving through Cedar Grove.
The Uptown Yardies
------------------
Leader : King Courtney
Turf : Newport
Business : Getting revenge on other gangs
Front : The streets
Style : Loaded with Carribean style, darks suits and dreaklocks
Characteristics : Make their territory with voodoo charms
Vehicle : Yardie Lobos
Weapons : Handguns and Uzis
Favorite Radio Station : K-Jah
After doing King Courtney's mission, "Kingdom Come", the Yardies will hate you and
attack if you steal a Yardi Lobo or enter Rockford. An Uzi will take them out easily.
The Southside Hoods
-------------------
Leader : D-Ice
Turf : Witchita Gardens
Business : Killing each other.
Front : The streets
Style : Gold chains and hooded sweatshirts
Characteristics : Agressive and violent
Vehicle : Hoods Rumpo XL's
Weapons : Uzis
Favorite Radio Station : Game Radio, MSX
Don't pick a fight with them. They have Uzis but if you have to kill them, use a
shotgun.
*************************************************************************************
[25] FAQ
*************************************************************************************
Q-How do you get to the Observatory?
A-It requires a dodo and it isn't even solid so there is no need to go there.
Q-Do those closed off tunnels in Shoreside Vale ever open?
A-No. They aren't even solid. They are said to end at Ghost Town.
Q-How do you get an FBI car?
A-Get a 5-star wanted level and then jack it.
Q-How do you fly the choppers?
A-You can't.
Q-How do you fly the Dodo or Tank.
A-See the Hints and Tricks section.
*************************************************************************************
[26] Bugs/Glitches
*************************************************************************************
-If you haven't noticed, if you get 125HP from a Hooker and then enter an ambulance,
it'll go back to 100.
-If you fly a Dodo to the edge of the map, the game will freeze, needing you to
reset.
-In Uzi money, there are sometimes no Purple Nines on the street and you need to
start a new game.
-If you do the Rhino Tank cheat in Portland, the traffic will dissappear.
-You can stand on cars and get a free ride but some drivers will drive violently and
knock you off.
-After you finish all of the payphone missions aon every island, the phones will
still ring afterwards. For example, I finished D-Ice's missions and the phone still
rang. I walked to it and I was able to do "Rigged to Blow" over and over again.
*************************************************************************************
[27] Cheat Codes
*************************************************************************************
Full Heath..............R2, R2, L1, R1, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT, UP, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT, UP
Full Armor..............R2, R2, L1, L2, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT, UP, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT, UP
Money...................R2, R2, L1, L1, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT, UP, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT, UP
Lower Wanted Level......R2, R2, L1, R2, UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN
Higher Wanted Level.....R2, R2, L1, R2, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT
All Weapons.............R2, R2, L1, R2, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT, UP, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT, UP
Rhino Tank..............Circle(x6), R1, L2, L1, Triangle, Circle, Triangle
Clear Weather...........L1, L2, R1, R2, R2, R1, L2, Triangle
Foggy Weather...........L1, L2, R1, R2, R2, R1, L2, X
Cloudy Weather..........L1, L2, R1, R2, R2, R1, L2, Square
Rainy Weather...........L1, L2, R1, R2, R2, R1, L2, Circle
Faster Time.............Circle(x3), Square(x5), L1, Triangle, Circle, Triangle
Different Outfit........RIGHT, DOWN, LEFT, UP, L1, L2, UP, LEFT, DOWN, RIGHT
Pedestrians Fight.......DOWN, UP, LEFT, UP, X, R1, R2, L2, L1
Pedestrians Hate You....DOWN, UP, LEFT, UP, X, R1, R2, L1, L2
Blow Up All Cars........L2, R2, L1, R1, L2, R2, Triangle, Circle, Square, Triangle
L2, L1
Better Car Handling.....R1, L1, R2, L1, LEFT, R1, R1, Triangle (L3+R3 to jump)
Dodo Cars...............RIGHT, R2, Circle, R1, L2, DOWN, L1, R1
Increase Blood, Gore....Square, L1, Circle, DOWN, L1, R1, Triangle, RIGHT, L1, X
*************************************************************************************
[28] Radio Guide
*************************************************************************************
--------------------------------------------------------
| Radio Station | Radio Host |
|-------------------------------------------------------
| HEAD Radio | Michael Hunt |
| Double Cleff FM | Morgan Merryweather |
| K-Jah | Horace Walsh |
| Rise FM | Andre the Accelrator |
| Lips 106 | Andee |
| Game FM |Stretch Armstrong, Lord Sears |
| MSX FM | Timecode |
| Flashback FM | Toni |
| Chatterbox FM | Lazlow |
--------------------------------------------------------
|------------|
| HeadRadio |
|------------|
DJ: Michael Hunt
Song : Stripe Summer
Artist : Dil-Don't
Vocals : Heidi Hazelton
Written & Produced by : Craig Conner
******************
Song : Good Thing
Artist : Whatever
Vocals : Craig Conner
Written & Produced by : Allan Walker, Craig Conner
Lyrics:
I`m working for the sake of it and I`m on all the money that they gotta give
(Huh)
I go out getting laid but I play safe in a safe place and I know,
That i know that i wanna live,
I said to you,
Oooooo,
Sometimes I feel like I can (do something),
And now it feels like I am (all set for a good thing)
Come clean unused be free, just good,
Been caught, been bruised, been cleaned, been used
No stop a bit,
Lets take it back a bit,
I hate Saturdays when I wake up with a bulldog next to me,
I just want my cake, and my own way,
(And my own way),
When I think of the things I used to take,
Oooooo,
Sometimes I take like a man, or something,
But now I feel like I am (all set for a good thing)
Come clean unused be free, just good,
Been caught, been bruised, been cleaned, been used
Come clean unused be free, just good,
Been caught, been bruised, been cleaned, been used
God help our relationship,
What a crazy trip, I was faking it,
I said, baby you're the best, you're the best
Come clean unused be free, just good,
Been caught, been bruised, been cleaned, been used
******************
Song : Fade Away
Artist : Craig Gray
Vocals : Stuart Ross
Written & Produced by : Stuart Ross
******************
Song : Change
Artist : Conor and Jay
Vocals : Craig Conner, Julie Wemyss
Written & Produced by : Julie Wemyss
******************
Song : See Through You
Artist : Frankie Fame
Vocals : Raff Corrilla, Craig Conner, Nancy Jenkinson
Written & Produced by : Craig Conner
Lyrics:
I know she sounds kinda crude but she feels kinda good,
she swings her hips and her bits to the rock `n` roll groove,
What she makes what she breaks I see its all good,
But she can`t hide from the side what is mood,
Common lady gone crazy I don`t know if she's listening tonight,
Common lady gone crazy gotta fist for a generous thigh,
(I think its time I told ya),
I can`t do nothing else but see through coz got you one too many times,
So baby stop and say somethin` else that makes you feel ok,
What ya say hey all you seem to think about you (hey)
You (hey),
You (hey),
You (hey),
You (hey),
You (hey),
You (hey),
You oooo
Turn the page damn it did I hear you say I got laid no way,
Turn the page wish I had it all again what the heck is faith,
Common lady gone crazy I don`t know if she's listening tonight,
Common lady gone crazy gotta fist for a generous thigh,
(I think its time I told ya),
I can`t do nothing else but see through coz got you one too many times,
So baby stop and say somethin` else that makes you feel ok,
What ya say hey all you seem to think about
You and all your pride and glory what it like to be so horny,
cut your hair and change your look get a job and a power suit,
analyze your whole damn life and obviously come here tonight,
I can`t do nothing else but see through coz got you one too many times,
So baby stop and say somethin` else that makes you feel ok,
What ya say hey all you seem to think about you
******************
Song : Electronic Go Go
Artist : Scatwerk
Vocals : ?????
Written & Produced by : Stuart Ross
******************
Song : Life is But a Mere Supply
Artist : Dezma
Vocals : Kate McKinnon
Written & Produced by : Craig Conner
|------------------|
| Double Cleff FM |
|------------------|
NOTE: These songs are classical, and do not have any lyrics.
DJ: Morgan Merryweather
"Non piu andrai farfallone amoroso" from Le Nozze di Figaro
Written by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Performed by Sesto Bruscantini and Teresa Berganza with the Orchestra e Corodo
Roma della RAI.
Conducted by Zubin Mehta.
******************
"Chi mi frena in tal momento" from Lucia di Lammermoor
Written by Gaetano Donizetti
Performed by Renata Scotto, Luciano Pavarotti and Piero Cappuccilli with the
Orchestra Sinfonica e Cora di Torino Della RAI.
Conducted by Franchesco Molinari Pradelli
******************
"Libiamo ne'lieti calici" from La Traviata
Written by Guiseppe Verdi
Performed by Renata Scotto, Jose Carreras and Sesto Bruscantini.
Conducted by Nino Verchi
******************
"Finch'han del vino" from Don Giovanni
Written by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Performed by Sesto Bruscantini, Nicolai Ghiaurov and Alfredo Kraus with the
Orchestra e Corodi Roma della RAI.
Conducted by Carlo Maria Guilini.
******************
"Le Donna E Mobile" from Rigoletto
Written by Guiseppe Verdi.
Performed by Luciano Pavrotti and Renata Scotto with the Orchestra and Chorus
of Teatro Comunale of Florence.
Conducted by Carlo Maria Giulini.
******************
|------|
|K-Jah |
|------|
DJ: Horace 'the Pacifist' Walsh
"Dance of the Vampire"
"The Mummy's Shroud"
"The Corpse Rises"
"Your Teeth in My Neck"
"Plague of Zombies"
All songs from the album "Scientist Rids the World of the Evil Curse of
Vampires", performed by Scientist.
Produced and arranged by : Henry Junjo Lawes
Rhythm Tracks Laid At : Channel One
Mixed At : King Tubby's by Scientist
Published by and Courtesy of : Greensleeves Records, Ltd.
|---------|
| Rise FM |
|---------|
DJ: Andre the Accelerator
Song : Neo (The One)
Artist : Slyder
******************
Song : Score (original mix)
Artist : Slyder
******************
Song : Shake (revolt clogrock remix)
Artist : Chris Walsh & Dave Beran
******************
Song : Deep Time
Artist : Shiver
******************
Song : Innerbattle
Artist : r.r.d.s.
******************
|---------------|
| Lips106 Radio |
|---------------|
DJ: Andee
Song : Bump to the Music
Artist : Fatamarse
Vocals : Nancy Jenkinson
Written & Produced by : Craig Conner
******************
Song : Wash Him Off
Artist : Marydancin
Vocals : Anna Stewart
Written & Produced by : Craig Conner
******************
Song : Feels Like I Just Can't Take No More
Artist : April's in Paris
Vocals : Paul Mackie, Craig Conner
Written & Produced by : Craig Conner
Guitars Written &
Performed by : Allan Walker
******************
Song : Forever
Artist : Lucy
Vocals : Stuart Ross
Written & Produced by : Anna Somerville
******************
Song : Pray It Goes Ok?
Artist : Boyz 2 Girls
Vocals : Raff Corrill, Craig Conner
Written & Produced by : Craig Conner
******************
Song : Grand Theft Auto
Artist : Da Shootaz
Vocals : Robert De Negro
Written & Produced by : Craig Conner
******************
Song : Rubber Tip
Artist : Funky BJs
Vocals : ???????
Written & Produced by : Stuart Ross
|---------|
| Game FM |
|---------|
DJ: Stretch Armstron and Lord Sear
Song : Scary Movies (instrumental)
Produced & Performed by : Reef
******************
Song : We're Live (Danger)
Performed by : Royce Da 5'9"
Produced by : Rush
******************
Song : Nature Freestyle
Performed by : Nature
Produced by : Rush
******************
Song : JoJo Pelligrino Freestyle
Performed by : JoJo Pelligrino
Produced by : Rush
******************
Song : Spit Game
Performed by : Pretty Ugly Royce Da 5'9"
Produced by : Rush
******************
Song : I'm the King
Performed by : Royce Da 5'9"
Produced by : Alchemist
Lyrics:
I'm-a rhyme till I can't rhyme no more,
Burn till I can't burn no more,
Shine till there's no shine no more,
Till the earth can't! turn no more,
Until I'm 5'9 no more (I'm the king!)
I'm-a rhyme till I can't rhyme no more,
Burn till I can't burn no more,
Shine till there's no shine no more,
Till the earth can't! turn no more,
Until I'm 5'9 no more (I'm the king!)
Ya'll is real cocky on the street
Till I drop you on ya knees
Knock you on ya feet, I'm like Rocky on the reach
I rain while you hope to sustain dope in this game
Somethin' you can't stop, you can only hope to contain
I can aim so I blaze my tool
I got a name from usin' pocket change to pay my dues (know!)
I'm sharp as a shank and about as soft as you think
I'm hangin' from the cross of your link, you get offered a drink
Is fast learners, you're only as hot as the back burner
From mad rappers and clap burners
Talk to the foot thinkin' you real
I'm starin' at the face of ya bill forgettin' how George Washington looks
You came to box a ..... that's flat out dirty
Just name the spot and I'll be there a half hour early
I write for the purpose to express a view
A that's wack? You a that I don't like as a person
I'm-a rhyme till I can't rhyme no more,
Burn till I can't burn no more,
Shine till there's no shine no more,
Till the earth can't! turn no more,
Until I'm 5'9 no more (I'm the king!)
I'm-a rhyme till I can't rhyme no more,
Burn till I can't burn no more,
Shine till there's no shine no more,
Till the earth can't! turn no more,
Until I'm 5'9 no more (I'm the king!)
I'm in shape to give you a quick whoopin', hard asshole in the wall
Frownin' up, thinkin' you sick ! cuz you sick lookin'
I'm heated, an' I'm-a go to trial blowin' my triggers
Ya'll ain't rough, you need to smile more in ya pictures
Split somebody, and serve the whose style you bit
That bit like 10 that bit somebody
Top of the world, all that's around you is beneath me
Me learnin' from your mistakes is the only way you can teach me
Mo' thunder, cockin' big heat
So undergrounds wit' beef can get mo' under, 6 feet
Man ya missiles, I plan to diss you
Unleash wit' about 30 punches before the first lands and hits you
I doubt ya'll cuz I'm an outlaw
Right-handed, built wit' a left that can arm wrestle a southpaw
Gun shine bright, ya'll need to rhyme like 5'9
Unsigned wit' hype king!
I'm-a rhyme till I can't rhyme no more,
Burn till I can't burn no more,
Shine till there's no shine no more,
Till the earth can't! turn no more,
Until I'm 5'9 no more (I'm the king!)
I'm-a rhyme till I can't rhyme no more,
Burn till I can't burn no more,
Shine till there's no shine no more,
Till the earth can't! turn no more,
Until I'm 5'9 no more (I'm the king!)
******************
Song : By a Stranger
Performed by : Block Rob
Produced by : Ayatollah
******************
Song : Rising to the Top
Performed by : Agallah and Sean Price
Produced by : Agallah
******************
Song : Instrumental Bed 1
Performed by : Rush
Produced by : Rush
******************
Song : Instrumental Bed 2
Performed by : Rush
Produced by : Rush
******************
|--------|
| MSX FM |
|--------|
MC: Codebreaker
DJ: Timecode
MIX A
"First Contact" by Omar Trio
Written & Produced by : R. Haigh
"Spectre" by Aquasky
Written & Produced by : B. Newitt, K. Bailey, D. Wallace
"Winner Takes All" by Rascal & Klone
Written & Produced by : G. Lomas and S. Ward
******************
MIX B
"Agent 007" by TJ Rizing
Written & Produced by : J.T. Manou
"Quagmire" by Calyz
Written & Produced by : L. Cons
"Get Wild" by Rascal and Klone
Written & Produced by : G. Lomas and S. Ward
"Judgement Day" by Ryme Tyme
Written & Produced by : S. Martins
******************
All lyrics performed by MC Codebreaker.
All mixes down by Timecode.
All the above tracks appear courtesy of Moving Shadows, Ltd.
|--------------|
| Flashback FM |
|--------------|
DJ: Toni
Song : Scarface (Push It to the Limit)
Words & Music By : Giorgio Moroder, Arthur W. Barrow
Lyrics:
Push it to the limit,
Walk along the razor's edge,
Don't look down just keep your head and you'll be finished!
Open up the limit,
Past the point of no return,
You've reached the top but still you've gotta learn how to keep it!
Hit the wheel and double the stakes,
Fry the mother open like a bat outta hell,
You've crashed the gates
(crashed the gates)
Goin' for the back of the owned,
Nothing gonna stop you there's nothin' that strong,
So close now you're nearly at the brink so push it!
Oooh yeah!
Welcome to the limit,
(limit)
Take it maybe one step more,
Power keeps still playing sore,
You'd better win it!
Push it to the limit,
(limit)
No one left to stand in your way,
You might get careless but you'll never be safe,
While your standing!
Welcome to the limit,
Standing along the razor's edge,
Don't look down just keep your head and you'll finished!
Welcome to the limit!
Push it to the limit!
Push it to the limit!
******************
Song : Rush Rush
Words & Music By : Giorgio Moroder, Deborah Harry
Lyrics:
He's on the level,
If he's inclined,
The son of a devil,
He wants mine and more,
We go high high higher,
I'm just a feelin' fine,
He made his ready and he is a senor,
Guess who's keeping score
Rush rush ca tee ay oh,
Rush rush be ne ay oh,
Lush lush ca tee ay oh,
Yo yo no mo ay oh
He's a real sweet demon,
He's one of a kind,
Watchin' waiting looking over his shoulder,
He's running out of time
Rush rush ca tee ay oh,
Rush rush be ne ay oh,
Yo yo no mo ay oh
Rush rush ca tee ay oh
He's never taken a chance before,
And now he's in a hurry,
Better better make your mind up or,
He's faster faster faster faster faster
Rush rush ca tee ay oh,
Rush rush rush bae e ay oh,
No no ve ne ay oh,
Yo yo ca ma nay oh
Rush rush
Rush rush
Rush rush
Rush rush
Rush rush
Rush rush
He's a real sweet demon,
He's one of a kind,
Watchin' waiting looking over his shoulder,
He's run out of time
Rush rush ca tee ay oh,
Rush rush be ne ay oh,
Rush rush rush
Rush rush ca tee ay oh,
No go to be ay oh,
Yo yo ca me ay oh,
Bush bush ca me ay oh,
Rush rush ay oh
Bush bush ca me ay oh,
Rush rush ca me ay oh
******************
Song : She's on Fire
Words & Music By : Giorgio Moroder, Peter Bellotte
Sung By : Amy Holland
Lyrics:
Don't be mistaken by the first impression,
And watch out for that innocent expression,
(ooh ah!)
She's not what she seems,
(ooh ah!)
Don't wait for the dreams,
'cause when she breaks away she's a child,
and the woman is wild!
So wild!
She's on fire,
and she burns through the night at the speed of light,
She's on fire,
With the heat of the beat right beneath her feet,
She's on fire,
And the name of the game is to fuel her flame,
She's on fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
And so the dancing day is your decision,
But understand she's not quite like her vision,
(ooh ah!)
I'm warnin' ya now,
(ooh ah!)
You sure you know how,
'cause she can take your heart like a child,
and the woman is wild!
So wild!
She's on fire,
and she burns through the night at the speed of light,
She's on fire,
With the heat of the beat right beneath her feet,
She's on fire,
And the name of the game is to fuel her flame,
She's on fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
She's on fire,
and she burns through the night at the speed of light,
She's on fire,
With the heat of the beat right beneath her feet,
She's on fire,
And the name of the game is to fuel her flame,
She's on fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!
(She's on fire)
She's on fire!
(and she's burning)
And she's burning!
(She's on fire)
She's on fire!
(and she's burning)
And she's burning!
(She's on fire)
She's on fire!
(and she's burning)
And she's burning!
******************
Song : Shake It Up
Words & Music By : Giorgio Moroder, Arthur W. Barrow
Sung By : Elizabeth Daily
Ever since the day I met you,
I knew that you were the one for me,
Knew you had me shaking all over,
You stood me up now can't you see
Ohh oh shake it up tonight,
Shake it up all night,
Shake it up tonight,
Tell me that ya love me,
Tell me that you'll stay the night
Now I'm gonna tell you one more time,
I've got to have you every day,
How could I live without your love,
Don't you see you have to stay
Ohhhh shake it up tonight,
Shake it up all night,
Shake it up tonight,
Tell me that ya love me,
Tell me that you'll stay the night
Ohhhh now shake it up tonight,
I said shake it up all night,
I meant shake it up tonight,
Tell me that ya love me,
Tell me that you'll stay the night
Shake it baby,
Shake it tonight,
Ohhh shake it baby,
Shake it tonight,
Shake it baby,
Ohhh tonight
Ohhh shake it up tonight,
I said shake it up all night,
I meant shake it up tonight,
Shake it up all night,
Shake it up baby
(Shake it up)
I said
(Shake it up)
******************
Song : I'm Hot Tonight
Words & Music By : Giorgio Moroder, Peter Bellotte
Lyrics:
Better stand back, get out of my way,
I'm coming on strong like a burning flame hey hey hey,
I'm hot tonight
Better take it easy don't you get me uptight,
You'll wind up with me swinging 'cause I'm ready to fight hey hey hey,
I'm hot tonight
I was flying high 'till you shot me down,
Were you coming with me when I hit the ground hey hey hey,
I'm hot tonight
Better look out when you ring the bell,
'cause I'm comin' up fast like a bat outta hell hey hey hey,
I'm hot tonight
When I get hot, you know what I like,
I'm curled up like a snake and I am ready to fight hey hey hey,
I'm hot tonight
I was flying high 'till you shot me down,
Were you coming with me when I hit the ground hey hey hey,
I'm hot tonight
(I'm hot tonight)
I'm hot tonight
(hot tonight)
I'm hot tonight
(hot hot tonight)
I'm hot tonight
(hot tonight)
I'm hot tonight
(hot tonight)
I'm hot tonight
(I'm hot tonight)
I'm hot tonight
I was flying high 'till you shot me down,
Were you coming with me when I hit the ground hey hey hey,
I'm hot tonight
(I'm hot tonight)
I'm hot tonight
(hot tonight)
I'm hot tonight
(hot hot tonight)
I'm hot tonight
(hot tonight)
Oh! I'm hot tonight
(hot hot tonight)
I'm so hot tonight!
(hot tonight)
(hot hot tonight)
I'm so hot tonight
(hot tonight)
Owwww!
(hot hot tonight)
I'm so hot tonight!
(hot tonight)
I'm so hot tonight
(hot hot tonight)
******************
All of the above are from the Motion Picture Scarface (C) 1984 UNIVERSAL-MCA
MUSIC PUBLISHING, A DIVISION OF UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, INC./ASCAP
|-------------|
| Chatterbox |
|-------------|
Seg 1 - Squirrel guy
Lazlow: "Alright, Liberty City, this is your talk radio show Chatterbox,
where your opinion matters. Let's go to the phones...hello caller,
you're on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Hey, ya ever ate possum, that's some good eating."
Lazlow: "Naah, I really can't say I have."
Caller: "Hell, ya aught to try it sometime, I tell ya man, it's good
eating. Possum, raccoons, even zebra meat, cooks up pretty
good."
Lazlow: "Err, do you have anything else to say, or..."
Caller: "Pigeons. Pigeons are good too. Sometimes, they come with notes
attached...it's like...a fortune cookie with wings.
Squirrels...squirrels is not so good, they...taste like
goldfish...meat's real stringy...ya know what I mean?"
Lazlow: "Ermm, actually, I can't say that I do...umm...but if I did eat too
much squirrel and put on a few extra pounds, I'd use the
Dormatron...unlike those other exercise machines that require you
to be awake, the Dormatron actually exercises you over night."
Dormitron (commercial)
Woman: "I've tried everything, and I just couldn't keep those extra two-
hundred pounds off! It started to affect my marriage."
Man: "She was too big for me, and I'll sleep with anything!"
Woman: "The Abdomatrix, the Thigh-asizer, tummy stapling, I've had my
mouth sewn up, my hands chopped off, you name it, I've tried it!"
Man: "Except for exercising and eating right, porky!"
Woman: "That's right, honey! Then I found The Dormatron! Using a new
technology called bio-rhythmic-subconscious-gymnastics, The
Dormatron exercises you while you sleep. Just strap in your arms
and legs, put on The Dormatron headset, then wrap yourself in the
special high-voltage electric blanket. Turn it on to 11 and burn
those pounds away while a relaxing nights sleep! Now that I've
lost 280 pounds, my husbands all mine again!"
Man: "That's right honey, no more escort services for me!"
Male Voice: "Don't be fat a day longer than you have to! Remember, being
fat can even ruin a romantic cruise! *whooo* Call Dormatron
now, at 1-800-sleepofflard. Or visit www.sleepofflard.com
, and sleep your way to a
thinner, happier you!"
Maibatsu Monstrosity (commercial)
Man: "I'm a marketing manager who lives in the suburbs and commutes to
work on the highway. I live alone, so of course I needed a car that
can seat 12 and is equipped to drive across arctic tundra...it just
makes me feel better!"
Woman: "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity...mine's bigger!"
Seg 2 - Fake name woman
Lazlow: "Heh, that's a good commercial. I..I love commercials, don't
you? This is Chatterbox, we are taking your calls right now.
Hello caller, you are on the air."
Caller: "Hi Lazlow, is that your real name?"
Lazlow: "Huh? Of course it's my real name!"
Caller: "Are you Hungarian?"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...nooo, I'm from up-state."
Caller: "Are you sure that's not a fake radio name, like Andy or Bobo? I
thought all those radio people had fake names!"
Lazlow: "Do you have a question, or do you wanna just...sit here all day
and talk about my name?"
Caller: "No. That's it. Love the show, Lazlow. Or Mark. Or John. Or
Beverly, whatever your name is."
Seg 3 - Vegetable man
Lazlow: "Alright, next caller, you're on Chatterbox. What is on your
mind?"
Caller: "Turnips. Root vegetables. You know, albino carrots as they're
known back home."
Lazlow: "Okay, here's the deal - this isn't gardening with Maurice,
that's on later!"
Caller: "Nooo, he got taken off the air. He lied, I know he did. I been
trying to make a hybrid of a peach and a Pekinese midget
fighting bitch for the last two years. And it is im-possible...im-
possible, I tell ya."
Seg 4 - Jane difficult parent
Lazlow: "Okay, and speaking of impossible, Jane from Cedar Grove is on
the line, and she wants to talk about how difficult it is being
a parent today. Hello Jane..."
Jane: "Hi Lazlow, I love the show, I'm a first time caller. I wanted to
say something about these videogames, they are warping our kids
minds. My sons dog, Bugle, got hit by a truck, and he says 'Mummy,
mummy, where's the reset button?.' Kids these days, they think
life is a game. Well it's not a game Lazlow. It is very, very
serious. I let my kid play video games, and now, he runs around
the house looking for gold coins. This is teaching our children to
go chase money. My eldest has been playing this new videogame,
called Pogo the Monkey..."
Lazlow: "Yeah, I've heard of that one..."
Jane: "The shop teacher called me today, and Sam made a home-made banana
cannon in shop class, and was lobbing them across the street at a
fast-food restaurant. And it's all because of videogames.
Lazlow...life does not have a reset button!"
Lazlow: "Right, but this show does..." *beeeeep* "I love that button."
Seg 5 - SPANKed up guy
Lazlow: "You know, it's never a dull moment on this show. Especially if
you're in our key demographic."
Donald Love: "Love Media. Bringing people, and the finest entertainment
together."
Lazlow: "Alright, hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox."
Caller: "I wanna talk about that SPANK stuff. People say it's bad for
you. It's not bad for you at all. Why aren't you talking? Oh,
you think I'm strange? Am I on the air? Hello? Answer me, you
pansy!"
Lazlow: "Err...what's your question?"
Caller: "SPANK! SPANK SPANK! SPANK!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh, what about it? I mean that's not really a question.
Questions usually start with words like 'how', and 'why', and
they end with your voice going up like this..."
Caller: "Don't mock me! I know where you work! You're just like all the
rest!"
Lazlow: "How's that?"
Caller: "Word is evil dude. And toothpaste, they use it to control us.
Why do you think all the commercials tell you to brush twice a
day? I..I've read books!"
Lazlow: "And what book have you been reading that tells you that
toothpaste is evil?"
Caller: "Dentures, the Devil, and the Great Cavity Cover-up, by Jay
Phillip Higgenbottom. If you'd seen what I'd seen, and if you've
heard what I've heard, you'd never brush your teeth again!"
Lazlow: "I suppose you're one of those people that says diet soda makes
you go crazy in later life..."
Caller: "I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary,
you pansy!"
Lazlow: "Sssir, er, this is a commercial radio-station owned by Love
Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary. And on that note,
it's been two full minutes since a commercial, but I'd like to
say, if anyone else is stressed, might I recommend Equinox from
Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals...we'll be back after these important
messages..."
Caller: "Sell out!"
Equinox (commercial)
Woman: "I used to be concerned and nervous about the future. Sometimes
I'd get scared before an important event, such as childbirth, or
a family funeral. Hey, sometimes you need a little help
navigating life's trouble spots! That's when I discovered
Equinox!"
Man: "After the divorce and losing little Tommy, life was getting me
down. I couldn't focus on anything at work. After trying Equinox,
I've been employee of the month three times in a row! I used to
fall unconscious for hours at a time, but now with Equinox, I never
need to sleep."
Male Voice: "Equinox is new, from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals. Ask your
doctor about Equinox...today."
Male: "Equinox may cause nausea, loss of sleep, blurred
vision, leakage, kidney problems and breathing irregularities. Do
not take Equinox if you are operating any machinery, driving a
car, pregnant, a child of low age, unhappy or if your family has a
history of mental disorders.
Male Voice: "Equinox...softening life's harsh realities!"
Liberty City Survivor (commercial)
Male Voice: "Tonight...the TV event that will make history...Liberty City
Survivor! This takes reality TV to a whole new level! We'll
take 20 recently paroled guys, equip them with grenade
launchers and flamethrowers...and let them hunt each other
down!! It's the reality show where you...just might be...part
of the action!!"
Man: "I was grabbing a sandwich in the Happy Blimp, and all-of-a-sudden
these guys crashed through the window and started shooting at each
other! I was so excited, I didn't even notice I'd been hit! After
that, I was hooked on Liberty City Survivor! I watch it every day
in the hospital!"
Male Voice: "The game doesn't end until there's only one man left
standing!! Tune in nightly, or watch the 24hour live
webcast!......Liberty City Survivor!!......Natural selection...has
come home!!....... Sponsored by AmmuNation.
Please remember to put litter in it's place. "
Seg 6 - Short guy
Lazlow: "Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, call us on the Chatterline,
and tell us what's on your mind, line 4, you're on Chatterbox..."
Caller 1: "LIBERTY CITY COCKS RUUULE!!!"
Lazlow: "Aah, that's lovely, thanks. Next caller, you're on Chatterbox."
Caller 2: "That last guy was so full of crap. Everyone knows women are
made from sand."
Lazlow: "Okay, great, another lunatic. Hello, next caller, you are on
Chatterbox."
Caller 3: "Yeah, you were talking about short guys and attitudes. Well,
you know you'd have an attitude too if you couldn't reach the
frigging cheesy-swirls at the grocery store."
Lazlow: "Yeah, I mean, sometimes it seems like the whole world's against
ya, I mean..."
Caller 3: "You know, we're not talking about you! What kind of ego-
maniac are you? You got your own show, how about letting other
people talk for a change? You're all the same you giants, 'oh,
I'm tall, I'm so important, listen to me talk about my tall
stuff. I think I'll put this on the top shelf, hey, what's the
weather like down there? How's it going short-stuff? Can you
get that, your closer. Why so sad, pee-wee?' Who do you think
you are?!?!? Short people are people too!!!"
Seg 7 - Gun caller
Lazlow: "Al-right, another award-winning show on Chatterbox. Today we're
talking about anything, it seems. If you have something to say
about anything, call now. Hello caller. You're on Chatterbox"
Caller: "Yeah, hi, I love the show, love hearing people's opinions,
that's what made this country great. People. And opinions. And
stuff. Most of all, guns. I've had it with people whining about
'guns kill people,' guns don't kill people, death kills people.
Ask a doctor, it's a medical fact. You can't die from a bullet.
You can die from a cardiac arrest or organ failure or a major
hemorrhage, small piece of metal ain't the problem. Besides, I
only use my machine-gun in the safety of my own home and car. I
ain't hurting nobody. And countries that don't have guns ain't
American."
Lazlow: "Y-you know that's a really good point. Countries that don't
have guns aren't American. You know, if more people had guns,
we'd have less shootings in this country."
Seg 8 - Taxes
Lazlow: "Alright, we're going over here to line 2, hello caller, you are
on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Yeah, I'd like to say something about taxes."
Lazlow: "You mean...the lone-star state?"
Caller: "No, taxes. Well, you know, look, taxes are really wrong. My
father worked his whole life, he played the Lottery, and now the
state wants him to pay taxes on the money he wins from that
stuff. Buy your own Lottery tickets, you know, hey!?!"
Lazlow: "Good point, that's a lesson to us all."
Seg 9 - English guy
Lazlow: "Alright, hello, you are on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Hello Lazlow, I'm a first time caller. I recently moved to
Liberty City from Hampshire, in England."
Lazlow: "Oh really? How do you like it? I mean, is it hard to get used
to the language? Y-you speak English pretty good."
Caller: "Oh thank you Lazlow. Yes, yes I do like it here. There's one
thing though that's very different and rather worrying. When I
was a boy in England, I had a nanny. She was very strict,
Lazlow."
Lazlow: "Yeah, well, I mean there's excellent child-care here in
America, eeerr...you know?"
Caller: "Well, well I'm sure. But, but the thing is Lazlow, when, when,
when I was a naughty boy, I, I, I...I would get spanked.
N...nanny...nanny would spank me...when I was naughty, and now...now
Freddy needs a nanny, because when Freddy's naughty, he needs to
get spanked."
Lazlow: "Well, there's some child psychologists, who'd probably say that
spanking can be harmful to a child's emotional development."
Caller: "Ab..ab...absolute rot, Lazlow. It's lovely. Freddy needs a nanny.
He needs a nanny Lazlow, because Freddy's been a very naughty
boy."
Lazlow: "How...how old is your son?"
Caller: "Excuse me?"
Lazlow: "How old is your son?"
Caller: "I don't have children! I can't stand the little brats! But
Freddy needs a nanny..."
Lazlow: "Alright, that's enough of him! God, who gave this guy a green
card?"
Seg 10 - Sine & Cosine guy
Lazlow: "This is Chatterbox, we're talking about short guys, nannies,
taxes and anything sane you'd like to bring to the party. Hello,
you are on Chatterbox."
Caller: "I was listening to that caller about taxes. His views are a
little extreme. How do you expect to be a responsible member of
society if you don't understand how the government spends your
money? Why are people afraid of numbers? Sine and Cosine are two
of the elegant incredible discoveries of humanity. I mean, the
Cartesian co-ordinate system has an elemental power I find
invigorating and even sexy. And I'm not ashamed to say it."
Lazlow: "Okay, thanks for calling. Now that we've lost 98% of our
audience let's reward the other 2% with a commercial. When we
come back we'll have a special studio guest, special because he
advertises on this radio-station. Remember, it's not a conflict
of interests if we own all the radio-stations in town. We'll be
right back after this message."
House of Tomorrow (commercial)
Female Voice: "In today's fast paced world, a split second can be the
difference between achieving your dreams....."
Man: "Hey, I just won the Nobel Peace Prize!"
Female Voice: "...and not..."
Man (yokel): "I wonder if wrestling's on tonight?!"
Female voice: "More Americans are realizing if you don't have the latest
and greatest technological devices...you will fall behind!"
Man 2: "I didn't upgrade my personal organizer, and two days later I was
diagnosed with a terminal illness! *cough* ...!"
Female Voice: "That's exactly why you should come visit the friendly
people at House of Tomorrow...and they'll set you up with
all your twenty-first century technology needs."
Man 3: "I only spent $20,000 and now I can get e-mail in the shower or
surf the Internet while I'm driving. I was bored stupid, at my
daughter's recitals and my son's little-league games...thanks to
House of Tomorrow, I can play wireless head-to-head 3D virtual
reality poker...literally anywhere!"
Female Voice (posh): "If it's a flash-in-the-pan technology of
absolutely no use to anyone, you can find it at
House of Tomorrow! Remember...only technology makes
life worth living. House of Tomorrow. We'll upgrade
your system then you can upgrade your life!"
Seg 11 - Fernando
Lazlow: "And now it is my great pleasure to welcome Fernando Martinez,
who it says here is the founder of 'Fernando's New Beginnings,'
a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. Fernando,
welcome."
Fernando: "The pleasure is mine Lazlow. It is an honour to be here, I
feel blessed."
Lazlow: "Err, thanks, so tell me about 'Fernando's New Beginnings."
Fernando: "Truly Lazlow, it is a miracle, a blessing. It is a revolution
in the marriage guidance. For my people, marriage is...how you
say...sacred. The bond between the father and the mother...it is
made in heaven. And, in the bedroom...if you know what I mean."
Lazlow: "Err...I think so...heh..."
Fernando: "For my people, it is the holiest, most sacrosanct thing
imaginable. Like a church. Yet, for it to be a happy marriage,
it must also be like a brothel. The woman, she must be many,
many arts. The skill in making house, cooking, changing the
diapers on the babies, and....she must also be a whore. A vixen
in the bedroom. Imaginative, exotic, constantly fresh. It is
impossible...you change diapers and then you are a French maid?
Fernando thinks not. Fernando knows not."
Lazlow: "Well, I mean, you know, it's an age-old problem, I mean, how do
you keep the excitement in a marriage?"
Fernando: "Excitement, exactly! Passion, danger...how, Lazlow, how? Tell
me how and I give you...a big, big kiss! Like I give a woman.
But I am not going to give you a big kiss, not a kiss like I a
give a woman, or even a donkey. Because, because...you do not
know!"
Lazlow: "Well, I mean in this case, ignorance...err...kinda seems like
bliss...I err...I wasn't really up for kissing on air...or I mean..."
Fernando: "Why not Lazlow? Am I not attractive? Am I not irresistible
even to you? Well no matter. Why all this talking about
kissing?"
Lazlow: "I mea...you brought it up!"
Fernando: "No my friend...you say, you not want to kiss me. I was talking
how to say, hypothetically, you make me all personal. It is a
big difference. If I say, 'imagine if your wife was ugly', you
can nod your head. But if I say, 'hey Lazlow, your wife, she
look like yesterday's dinner after I eat.' You not so happy.
It is a big difference, my friend."
Lazlow: "'Anyway..."
Fernando: "The marriage is impossible, Lazlow. If a man was born an
angel, maybe it possible, but a man...is born...a man. And a man
with needs...he needs a woman to tuck his babies into the bed,
but for his bed he needs something else. Something magical. A
dream. Sueño..."
Lazlow: "So he starts flirting with his secretary, he takes her out for
a drink, one thing leads to another, and before you know it,
he's found all kinds of uses for the office furniture."
Fernando: "Exactly Lazlow. I know what you are like. I see it in your
eyes. A wanderer. A dreamer. A man who has needs. But yet, I
can save you. And I can save your marriage."
Lazlow: "Eh-heh, my marriage doesn't need saving, heheh!"
Fernando: "Hey you are the one mentioning the pretty assistant and the
office furniture, and the ay-caramba my friend. Listen,
Lazlow, and listen very closely. Your marriage is a gift, it
is a present from above. You are a man, I think we see by now
you are no angel. I can save you. For when the man, he sees #
wife all fat, all ugly, with the dirty diapers and the dirty
babies and the scrubbing brush, who knows what else, he's not
thinking marriage bed, he's thinking about what you thinking
about your pretty assistant. We already know that, see."
Lazlow: "Aahh...go on..."
Fernando: "But Lazlow, what if you act on your fantasy. For your little
secretary with the short skirt and the pretty eyes and the
'come-here-and-do-this' smile, and then what my friend? What
then?"
Lazlow: "Erm...I get a sexual harassment suit!"
Fernando: "If you are lucky, my friend. But you, more likely, your
marriage is ruined Lazlow. Your sweetheart, she hates you.
Your pretty secretary, she wants you to be her man. You back
here to square one. My friend, you, and a thousand men like
you, for me, once it was so, but then one day, I was driving
my car, and I realize, 'Fernando, you are blessed!' You, are a
miracle, a thousand miracles rolled into one. You save the
marriage, and, you save the man. You don't put the marriage
first, and you don't put the man first. Maybe, we call it 'Man
Marriage.' Then I think to myself...no...this is a bad name! It
sounds really dumb. Then I think, we cal it 'Fernando's New
Beginnings.' Because that is...what it is. A new beginning
Lazlow."
Lazlow: "So, how does this work?"
Fernando: "It is a miracle Lazlow, a miracle. A man is a good father, a
loving husband, the winner of the bread...six and a half days a
week. On the spare half day, I save his life."
Lazlow: "How?"
Fernando: "By giving him what he needs...in a controlled environment. I
give him passion."
Lazlow: "What...with you? That kinda sounds like a limited market!"
Fernando: "Lazlow, you are very prejudice, and I no like that. But no,
not with me. Passion for life. Passion for love. Passion for
women. Which he can take home to his wife, of course."
Lazlow: "What, so you act like a pimp?"
Fernando: "Not a pimp little man, a savior. In a controlled environment
I introduce the man to a pleasure he has lost to the miracles
of the world. And truly, the results are remarkable. With my
unique councelling, a thousand marriages have been saved, and
a million more could be saved, everyday."
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and...and do the wives know about this?"
Fernando: "In their hearts, Lazlow, they know they have been saved."
Lazlow: "Errr...okay. We're gonna open it up to the phones. If you've got
any questions for Fernando Martinez, exotic marriage guidance
made easy, ring us now...eh...hey cool, we have a caller on line 1,
caller, you are on Chatterbox."
Jerry: "Hi Lazlow, hey Fernando. My name's Jerry, and I'm a first-time
caller, and I just wanted to say 'hey Lazlow, you were real tough
on Fernando back there.' I'll tell you one thing...he's a miracle
worker! He saved my marriage...and I married a bus of a woman! Now
I don't feel sick every time I open my eyes!"
Fernando: "See Lazlow, you see? I remember Jerry so well. He come in, he
is like a broken man. But a half a man... a 'ma', if you will.
He has no 'n' anymore, and his marriage is killing him! Where
is the passion? She is gone, replaced by ugliness. You see
Lazlow...Mrs. Jerry...she is not a pretty lady! She is more like
an offensive line, a tiger, big and hairy, but fertile. She
gives Jerry five kids. But she is even bigger. Now she is like
a whole offensive line...he feels no pride in himself. He has no
pride in his marriage. He is ashamed of this wonderful lady,
who bears him so many young. And he comes to me, and he
cries...'Fernando, save my marriage, I love my wife...even though
she is a fat porker!' And I say 'Jerry, you are a man. It is a
mans duty to love his wife...even if she is like a farmhouse.'
Now, Jerry is saved."
Lazlow: "By...sleeping with other women."
Fernando: "Whatever it takes to save a beautiful union. A blessing."
Lazlow: "A beautiful union by a...an adulterer and queen Kong! That's
great. So err...who's on the line now?"
Janice: "Hi Lazlow, this is Janice. I love the show, and always wanted
to call in, but you offended me today. Who is this gutter-trash
you have on the show?"
Lazlow: "Hey Janice, I share your anxiety...the studio kinda...forced him on
me!"
Fernando: "Hey, you watch yourself mister, and you, Janice, why are you
so ugly? Your husband, he not make you happy?"
Janice: "No, he's an idiot! And a jerk!"
Fernando: "But he's probably a good daddy, and you sound very pretty,
angry, and a little bit of a know-it-all, but very pretty
lady. This is the thing, Lazlow. The women, they think the New
Beginnings is only for men! But no, it is for women too! For
Janice, if her husband goes to New Beginnings, he thinks that
you are wonderful, all over again, and, in the extreme case,
maybe she come to work for me. And she get a new beginning
herself! She discover the excitement and the passion all for
herself. Listen, Janice, you call me...cinco-cinco-cinco-nueve
dos-nueve-dos"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh....listen...don't try to pimp-out my listeners!"
Fernando: "That is a very ugly word. A travesty. I work miracles, sénor,
not pimping! I save, I give the passion back! And you better
watch yourself buddy, because for my people, we take these
insults very personally. And then, you no longer Mr. Talk-
show, you Mr. Who-cut-out-my-tongue."
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...who are your people anyway? I..eh...which exotic location
do you come from?!?"
Fernando: "I am...I am Latin."
Lazlow: "Heh, Latin is a big place there buddy. Eh, where in Latin?"
Fernando: "I do not need to listen to the insults. I have pride, I have
a calling. Many are called, but few are chosen, my friend. And
I was called, and chosen, to work a miracle!!"
Lazlow: "So, err...er...where were you called from, Fernando??"
Fernando: "From off-state, okay, you happy money now? I'm not real
Latin, but I provide real Latin passion. I work the miracles,
everyday. Listen...wives, children...if your husband, if your
daddy, he not happy, send him to me, Fernando, in exchange for
a few hours a week...I give you the world!!!"
Lazlow: "Get off, get lost, you're just a cheap pimp from up-state, get
out of my studio!!!"
Fernando: "I save your daddy....I save your husband...it is a miracle.....!!!"
Lazlow: "Get outta here...!!!"
Fernando: "It is a miracle!!!"
Petsovernight 1 (commercial)
Kid: "Mom, there's a package for you."
Mom: "But I didn't order anything! What's this? How sweet..."
Puppy: "Woof woof woof!"
Mom: "Gee whilikers...it's a puppy!"
Male Voice: "Everybody loves a puppy! And now you can ship one anywhere,
just by logging on to petsovernight.com!
Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a
box...directly to your door."
Puppy: "Woof!"
Seg 12 - Spank kids guy
Lazlow: "And now it's time for a public service announcement from
station owner Donald Love."
Donald Love: "Hello. My name is Donald Love. You're listening to a Love
Media station. Enjoy!"
Lazlow: "Alright, we're back here on Chatterbox, the radio show that
never gets old. I'm Lazlow, with open ears and a closed mind.
Hello, you're on the air, what's your name?"
Caller: "I wanted to talk about spanking!"
Lazlow: "Oh God...not another one...!"
Caller: "I say spanking kids is the only way to teach them right from
wrong."
Lazlow: "So you think that teaching kids from an early age that violence
is the solution to problems will make them valuable members of
our society."
Caller: "Exactly! I knew you'd understand Lazlow! My daddy used to whoop
the tar out of me. He once hit me so hard my spleen fell out of
my ear. Didn't do me no harm. Look at me now, I'm the best pest-
control guy in east Portland. I've killed more rats, roaches and
vermin that you can imagine, and I love it. This is such a great
country, I wouldn't be where I am today if my daddy hadn't beat
me senseless."
Lazlow: "Hehh...what are you talking about? Man, I'm starting to believe
that guy about the fluoride in the drinking water! Listen...if
there's any sane person left in Liberty City that can hear my
voice, please, call the show right now, this is an SOS, going
out across the city!"
Seg 13 - Killer bees
Lazlow: "Hello caller, you are on the air. Are you sane!?! Eh-heh...are
you a sane caller?!?"
Caller: "Absolutely Lazlow. Killer bees!"
Lazlow: "K..killer bees!?"
Caller: "Yes, killer bees! Did you know that the current migration north
continues, we will all be dead in 3 years?!? Do you want to
become a bee's supper?!? I don't! That's why we must act now!!!
Killer bees must be stopped!"
Lazlow: "I wonder why more people aren't talking about this, I mean,
killer bees swarming, and it sounds pretty serious!"
Caller: "Aah...but the killer bees are nothing compared to ants! You can't
kill them! They are like sheep, they are going to take over!!"
Lazlow: "Alright, thanks caller."
Seg 14 - C.R.A.P.
Lazlow: "Alright, thanks caller. Ants, killer bees, fat people, what's
plaguing you? Call now! Chatterbox, hello, you're on the air..."
Caller: "Err yes...I'd like to say something about these damn people on
trains and busses in this city who yammer on and on into their
cell phones. I'm really glad to hear about what your having for
dinner! What we should do, is herd them up, and put them on an
island. I am the President of a group called Citizens Raging
Against Phones."
Lazlow: "CRAP?!?"
Caller: "Exactly!"
Lazlow: "Your organization's called 'crap,'...wh...what kind of moron are
you...you wanna round people up for using a phone?!? But you...your
calling up on a phone t...to tell the world about it! I...I mean,
how many people are there in this 'crap'?"
Caller: "Citizens are raging against phones, Lazlow!!"
Lazlow: "How many people?"
Caller: "There are three of us. It's hard organizing meetings without
the phones though. We've had to resort to carrier pigeons, and
they keep disappearing."
Lazlow: "What are you speaking to me on? What...what's that in your hand?"
Caller: "I am not the problem! You are! And you're perpetuating the
downfall of mankind! Liberty City was great before phones ruined
everything."
Lazlow: "Liberty City was a church, a cow pasture and 3 houses when the
telephone was invented!"
Caller: "Liar!!"
Lazlow: "You're the liar!"
Caller: "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"
Lazlow: "What are...are you three years old?!?"
Caller: "Lazlow's a liar, Lazlow's a liar!! I bet that isn't even your
real name"
Lazlow: "Shut up!!"
Caller: "You shut up!!"
Lazlow: "Stupid!"
Caller: "Nanny nanny boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!"
Lazlow: "Ohh...we're going to commercials!"
Sue your boss (commercial)
Male Voice: "Is your job affecting your health? Do you become fatigued?
Does working take time away from family and social events
like watching wrestling? There's an easy solution! Sue your
boss!! See, the great thing about this country is you can
sue anyone for pretty much anything! And you'll probably
win! Or at least get a settlement! At the firm of Rakin and
Ponzer personal injury attorneys, we can show you how
falling down and howling like a sissy can result in a large
damage award from your employer. We also specialize in
awards for injuries suffered in auto, bus and train
accidents! And can even train you to throw yourself in front
of a bus and pretend to be injured. Hey, that's why they pay
for insurance! Call the law offices of Rakin and Ponzer, and
get ready to enjoy a life of luxury!"
Seg 15 - Puppet festival
Lazlow: "Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, let's...er...go to the
Chatterline here...hello, caller...you're on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Lazlow, I just wanted to make your viewers aware that..."
Lazlow: "...Okay, now this is a radio-show, we don't have viewers...we have
listeners..."
Caller: "...Er...okay...anyway, Lazlow, I just wanted to make your viewers
aware the first international puppetry festival is next month at
the fairgrounds, bro. If you're interested in becoming a puppet
master, or a ventriloquist, you should definitely come down
dude, it's gonna be totally killer!"
Lazlow: "Heh, I wasn't aware that there was much demand for puppet shows
these days."
Caller: "Oh man, have you been living under a rock bro? Guys with
puppets get chicks! I take my monkey puppet to the park all the
time, we play hackey sack together, it's rad! But anyway dude,
at the international puppetry festival, we'll be having
workshops on finger puppets too! 'Hello Petunia the Pinky, meet
Barney the Thumb...'. String puppets, club puppets...dude it's gonna
rock!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...okay, thanks."
Caller: "Hope to see you there, Lazlow. Hey by the way, can you give me
that guy Fernando's number?"
Lazlow: "Naah...I'm sorry, Fernando hasn't paid his bills to our ad-sales
department. But here's someone who has. And they paid us in
stacks of old groats and gold guineas, we'll be back after
this..."
Medieval Millennium Fair (commercial)
Man: "Do you live in the boring suburbs but dream of living in a lonely
castle on a windswept moor? Do you long to trade in your sweat suit
for a hundred pound suit of armour and swap your SUV for a noble
stallion? Do you eat microwave dinners...all the while wishing you
were roasting a succulent pig at a pagan banquet? Is your next
ideal home-improvement a moat? Well get ready, Liberty City!!"
Man2: "This weekend and every weekend at Liberty City Park, it's the
Medieval Millennium Fair. Our band of traveling minstrels, knights
and maidens oh so fair are ready to delight you, with tales of the
black death, witch burnings, and the joys of being a feudal serf.
Forget about air-conditioning and modern medicine...we've got all
the leeches, spells and potions you need at the Medieval
Millennium Fair. Learn the art of cooking with turnips! Yum yum.
Buy genuine reproduction medieval artifacts, including maces,
double-handed battle swords, and one-size-fits-all chainmail. And
this weekend only...pick up an authentic mechanical Lady of the Lake
and Excalibur. It's perfect for your garden pond or swimming pool!
And learn how to rid your condo of vermin, using a penny whistle,
and a mysterious prancing German named Hans! The Medieval
Millennium Fair, every weekend at Liberty City Park."
Seg 16 - Nude dude
Lazlow: "Alright Liberty City, you are listening to Chatterbox, the show
that is the number one reason...for the success of the internet.
Alright, let's take a call...who's on the line?"
Caller: "Clothes!"
Lazlow: "Wh...what about them?!"
Caller: "Clothes!"
Lazlow: "What are you talking about??"
Caller: "Lazlow...clothes!! Clothes, Lazlow! I hate 'em, I just hate 'em!"
Lazlow: "Eh...we're a...we're all about opinions on Chatterbox, which is
er...Liberty City's premiere phone-in station. But...why don't you
like clothes...?"
Caller: "I just hate them, they're so constricting! I mean does a lion
wear clothes? And the lion is the king of the jungle! So why
can't I, a humble citizen, go naked!?!"
Lazlow: "Well I mean I guess a lion has two distinct advantages over
you. One, I mean you say a king, and therefore it can exercise
it's royal prerogative to not wear clothes, and two, it's a cat,
and therefore doesn't have to, and three, I mean...now that I
think about it...if you want to try to dress a lion you can,
but...I...I guess what we're learning is that life can be a little
unfair at times!"
Caller: "I'm naked, Lazlow!! I'm naked!!"
Lazlow: "I...you know...I really didn't need to know that!"
Caller: "Why Lazlow, why? Does it offend you?? I was born naked, I'm
gonna die naked! I'm going to live naked! So there! There's
nothing wrong with being naked!! It's so invigorating feeling
the hot leather of a chair...or the cool wind from the north on
your naked body."
Lazlow: "I..I...I'm gonna have to cut you off..."
Caller: "Don't you believe in free speech...and free expression? No, of
course you don't...all you believe in is free drinks!! I'm naked
and there's not a damn thing you can do about it! I'm naked and
I feel sooo good!"
Lazlow: "Wh...what about winter!?!"
Caller: "What d'you mean?!"
Lazlow: "You know...I mea...what about winter?! When the wind blows, and
it's really cold...I mean...do you prance about like a ninny waiting
for your privates to go blue??"
Caller: "I was born naked and I'm gonna die naked!!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and all shriveled up by the sound of things!"
Caller: "Winter was invented by clothing companies! Clothes are
unnecessary. They're ugly! Have you ever cooked in the nude??"
Lazlow: "Nah...look is this leading anywhere, cos I mean, we've got a lot
of other people waiting to talk about real things here...!"
Caller: "Nudity is real! Open your eyes! Take off your pants, come on!!
Come on Lazlow, you can be a figure-head for Liberty City
naturists! We have more members now for the first time since
1977. Nudity is back! A lot of people are into nudity and really
understand the spiritual side."
Lazlow: "What?!? Hanging out with loads of naked chicks? I mean I see
the fun in it, but...I just think that clothes have distinct
advantages. Like...like not accidentally cooking yourself, or...or
when you're working on a building...!"
Caller: "We're not swingers! It's not about sex. It's about being one
with the world."
Lazlow: "Alright dude, groovy, hug a rainbow..."
Seg 17 - Donald Love
Lazlow: "It's time for a public service announcement from Donald Love."
Donald Love: "Hello. I'm Donald Love. Under my guidance, Love Media has
emerged as the fastest growing US run media conglomerate of
the past five years. With newspapers, radio stations and
television across the US and the free world, alongside a
wide array of industrial and technology interests, we at
Love Media ensure you get the truth behind the story, every
time. From films to dog food, from radio to pop music, you
can be sure of independent, quality led broadcasting every
time you tune it. That's why we're the fastest growing
cable supplier and health insurance provider in the north-
east. And why our new satellite in China is something all
Americans can be proud of. Here at Love Media we are proud
of what we have done to help America, and to help hard-
working Americans relax. For investment opportunities or
information about our new interactive TV service, please go
to www.lovemedia.tv...."
Lazlow: "Ooh, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy."
Seg 18 - Bob from Pike Creek
Lazlow: "Alright let's go to line 8, hello caller, what's your name?"
Bob: "Bob. Bob from Pike Creek."
Lazlow: "Hey, er...what's up, Bob from Pike Creek?"
Bob: "Well, I been listening to your show, there's always people going
on about problems in schools. Guns, people showing disrespect to
teachers, drugs...schools are breeding grounds for crime, ain't
they?!?"
Lazlow: "Well I guess it seems that way!"
Bob: "Well I got a reeeal simple solution! Shut 'em down. Shut down the
schools and you shut down the problem. No more dead teachers, no
more angry students."
Lazlow: "Well, but you don't think..."
Bob: "No I don't never! Now listen to me! It makes perfect sense! These
days, they complain a lot, but you know what...they cost even more! I
mean shoes, books, toys, even special tiny furry pets, that sort of
crap. It's all about me...me me me me! Well not my Johnny. No sir!
Uh-uh! I'm learning him the value of good hard work. Learning him
good. At three, we taught him how to clean the bathroom, if he left
so much as one hair on the soap it was off to bed with no dinner!
You know what? He went to bed a-hungry only 20, maybe 30 times. He
learned! Now, he brings his mother lunch in bed every day so that
she can sleep in! Let me tell ya, everyone should have their kid
serving up food! He even cooks for the whole family! These days
he's getting to big to sweep chimneys, so now he's a paralegal at
Rankin' and Ponzer! He's seven, and he's making Madge and me
twenty-three thousand a year. And on weekends, he doesn't go to the
mall, play soccer, read, or do any of that kind of stuff! No no! He
works in the basement of a marketing company making photocopies all
night. Hell, he goes to sleep during the day, that's another eight
grand right there! So now, I'm buying me a fast-boat trailer, what
do you say to that ?!?"
Lazlow: "Well it sounds kinda like...exploitation to me!"
Bob: "Exploitation! Man, you bleeding hearts kill me! Johnny's mine,
he's my kid, how can I exploit something I own? Exploitation, you
sound like a communist! Kids in Russia, they don't work...that's why
everything's so messed up over there! You have to wait one month
for toilet paper! And their space station...it was made out of milk
crates. I tell ya, we're conformed living it the American way!
That, and the only thing more American is having folks work for
ya!"
Lazlow: "That sounds a little oppressive...and even despotic!"
Bob: "Exactly Lazlow, you hit the nail on the head that time! He's my
kid, I'm telling ya, just shut the schools down, make the kids
work! That book stuff's all for sissies anyway!"
Lazlow: "A..and doctors, and politicians, and lawyers and p...whatever,
you know I can't even be bothered to argue with you, but I do
feel sorry for your little Johnny the seven year old cook
chimney-sweep paralegal photocopier because..his daddy's an
idiot!! Let's take a quick break."
Maibatasu Monstrosity 2 (commercial)
Woman: "Phil and I just had another kid. So of course we need a bigger
SUV. Being a mom is hard, with soccer, football and lacrosse
practice, so we bought the new Maibatsu Monstrosity. It's so
big...we lost little Joey in the back and couldn't find him for and
hour! When I'm rushing to the mall, or talking on my cell phone,
I know me and my family are safe. The Maibatsu Monstrosity has 4-
wheel drive, and in amphibious mode...it can cross rivers. So far
I've only hit a few puddles, but it's good to know it's there.
With the time I save taking shortcuts through the strip-mall
parking lot I can focus on the important things. Like gazing
longingly at the pool boy or...buying more exercise equipment off
the TV. So what if it gets 3 miles to the gallon!? I'm a mom, not
a conservationist!"
Woman Voice: "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity...mine's bigger!!"
Petsovernight 2 (commercial)
Male Voice: "Would you like a giraffe?"
Cow: "Mooooo!"
Male Voice: "Have one delivered. Just log on to petsovernight.com, and
we'll send you a giraffe...overnight.
Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a
box...directly to your door."
Cow: "Mooeehhh"
Seg 19 - Linda the Internet woman
Lazlow: "Alright, you are listening to Chatterbox, hosted by me, Lazlow,
because I got kicked off the rock station. Let's go over here
and talk to somebody about their life. Hello caller, you are on
the air."
Linda: "Hi Leslie, my name's Linda. I just love your show. I always
listen to you when I'm getting my colon irrigated. I just wanted
to say something about the Internet, you know, the information
super-highway, the world-wide-web..."
Lazlow: "Yeah, I know...all about it...heh!"
Linda: "Isn't it amazing!? I mean it's just incredible. I know a lot of
people say it's absolutely a load of crap, but how could they be
so dumb? It's remarkable, I think. Think of all the things you
can do. I mean, suppose you wanna buy a new CD, what do you do,
Leslie?"
Lazlow: "I go to a shop...a...and the name's Lazlow!"
Linda: "I know Leslie, I'm a regular listener...well I don't, I buy a CD
online, and then, I rip the music into a different format, so I
can listen to it while I'm jogging. I mean, it's incredible. I
also like jazz, and cooking, and bestiality so the Internet is
really good for my hobbies. I think it's amazing. I used to go
out a lot, but I don't have to go out, ever again! I don't envy
those kids with their stock options and their fast cars, they
earned them! The Internet has saved my life!"
Lazlow: "This is really going nowhere, do you have anything interesting
to say at all?"
Linda: "Well...um...well, I once conceived the declaration of independence!"
Lazlow: "That's phenomenal! That's probably one of the reasons there's
so many single men in this city!"
Seg 20 - Maria calls in
Lazlow: "Alright, let's go over here to line 79, hello, you're on
Chatterbox."
Maria: "Hello...er..i..i..is that Lazlow?!"
Lazlow: "Errr...yes!"
Maria: "Heh...oh wow, I'm on a radio, how exciting, oh thank you Lazlow!!
Um...is this on the radio, I mean, am..am I actually on the radio
right this second??"
Lazlow: "Er..er..yes you are! Er...I'm sure it's very exciting for you,
but heh...what do you want to talk about?"
Maria: "Oh man! I mean, what..what else is there, I could go on all day,
but you know how it is don't you Lazlow?!?"
Lazlow: "Errr...not really...wh...what's your name, what did you call about?!"
Maria: "I..I'm sorry, I'm Maria, you know Ma-ri-a, like mama-mia,
o..only different, you know! But...you know...men, m e n, heh, oh
it's a dirty word, only there's only 3 letters. Y..y..you know
what I mean, I mean you broadcasters are all the same, aren't
you, I mean I heard about you, you're always out on...boys
nights!!"
Lazlow: "Woow woow, w..what are you talking about!? I...I'm married!"
Maria: "Oh one of those convenience jobs to protect you, I bet?? I know
what you're all like! You know more about men than I know about
leopard-skin furniture! So less of that clever stuff, and give me
some advice!! I mean, come on, I got real problems! You
see...okay...I had this boyfriend, and at first he was real kind to
me, he was a real gentleman, a little bit older and everything,
but he treated me real good, and...then it all went wrong, y..you
know, I found someone else...he seems real nice but he don't talk
too much, and I really can't tell if he likes me! Well, I guess
what I want to know is...you know, how do you tell if a guy's
serious?! I mean...you know, he treats me good but...he don't seem
real interested in me, you know, he's always working and hanging
out with the guys! Um...say...you don't think he's like you, do
you?!"
Lazlow: "Wh..what do you mean like me! Wh..what are you insinuating?
Th..that he's on the radio!? Well...probably not. Um, y..you're
listening to Chatterbox, where your opinion matters, or at least
we say that!"
Seg 21 - Jeff - rally in the park
Lazlow: "Let's go over here to line 4, hello caller, what's your name?"
Jeff: "Jeff from Rockford."
Lazlow: "Hello Jeff, what's up?"
Jeff: "I want to tell you and your listeners about a once-in-a-lifetime
chance to make a difference. There's a rally tomorrow evening at
the park. Starting at 7. Although we'll be painting banners and
singing songs and all day to prepare for it. Then, when tens-of-
thousands have gathered in the park, we're gonna march onto Town
Hall. Lazlow, the people have spoken! And they have said 'no, not
in my town!' So folks, if you're listening, and want to make a
difference, get yourself down to the park, and prepare to bring
democracy back to the people."
Lazlow: "So...what's this rally about, Jeff?"
Jeff: "It's about people standing up and being counted. It's about the
future. It's about telling those morons in the suits 'no thanks!
Not in my town! Not while I have a breath in my body and hope in
my soul! I will not, I cannot let this pass!'"
Lazlow: "Let what pass?"
Jeff: "It's about grabbing the town by the balls and saying 'listen son,
either put-up, or shut up! No more Mr. Nice-guy. No more easy
solutions for difficult problems!' It's about what it means to be
an American. It's about giving something back."
Lazlow: "Giving what back, Jeff?"
Jeff: "Hope! Dreams! Belief!"
Lazlow: "Belief in what, I mean, look Jeff, I..I admire your passion,
really I do, but...what will people be marching for? Wh..what's
your rally about!?"
Jeff: "It's about justice, Mr. Low! A chance to shine and make a
difference! About thousands of people walking side-by-side as
brother marchers. Only one thing on their minds - the chance to
make a difference! Bring your friends! Nothing shows a man how
much you mean to him more than the chance to walk together for
justice! Bring your kids! They can paint signs, and we'll even
have a face-painter, and a vegen bar-be-que. Bring your parents,
dude, even the elderly care about tomorrow!"
Lazlow: "I understand that, it sounds like a great rally, but w..we're
not a political station and you haven't really told us why
people should do this...what is it about?!?"
Jeff: "Look..look, do you wanna help or not??"
Lazlow: "I don't know what I'm helping!"
Jeff: "You're helping America! What kind of patriot are you? It's a
rally!!"
Lazlow: "You don't know what it's for, do you!?!"
Jeff: "It's for hope. Please come, everybody! It'll be real good!"
Lazlow: "Alright, you fight the power, brother!"
Seg 22 - I'm moving out
Lazlow: "Say, later on in the show, if your into eh... health foods or
martial arts, we'll have a special guest just for you. This guy
is reee-ally special! Kinda like a romantic cruise, but...he can't
walk on water. Alright let's go to the phones, hello caller, you
are on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Huhh?!?"
Lazlow: "Heh-eh...you're on Chatterbox, what's on your mind?"
Caller: "Oh wooow, I can't believe it!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...do you have a question?"
Caller: "Dude, I call everyday, and I never get through. This is
amazing, you do a great show man!"
Lazlow: "Heh...thanks...what's er...wh..wh..what's up?"
Caller: "No man, I'm serious, really great! You're like...a total
inspiration!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and...exactly what have I inspired you about?"
Caller: "Well, okay, right now I live at home, but pretty soon...like next
week dude, I'm moving out...it's er...the big 4-0 and it's...it's...it's
just time to go."
Lazlow: "Okay...did you have anything relevant to say?"
Caller: "Yeah dude, that bee dude was bo-gus! Really bogus! That's all,
great show Lazlow!"
Lazlow: "I..I appreciate that, y'know that's why I went to broadcasting
school. Alright, when we come back from these messages that help
supplement my meager salary, we're going to talk to Reed Tucker,
it's gonna be a great interview. We'll be right back!"
Ares Running Shoes (commercial)
Man: "A good shoe starts from the ground up. At Ares, we make high-
quality footwear. In fact, you can find Ares running shoes in over
140 countries around the world. In the past, there's been some
criticism about our workers! That's why I'm here at one of the
Ares factories so you can meet some of them...excuse me sir, do you
enjoy your job here?"
Kid: "It's fun...we get to play with knives!"
Man: "Heh, I see...is there a real sense of teamwork?"
Kid: "My friend Joey sewed his hands together!"
Man: "Wow, you're learning some real skills. How about the salary, and
benefits?"
Kid: "Yesterday...I made a dollar!"
Man: "You see, that's the kind of dedication we have to our employees,
and the quality of our shoes. Ares running shoes...always
running......from something!"
Petsovernight 3 (commercial)
Male Voice: "Buying a gift for the guy that has everything!? Log on to
petsovernight.com, we've got exotic pets galore. Including
tigers..."
Tiger: "Roooar!"
Male Voice: "...Cobras..."
Cobra: "Hsssssssss!"
Male Voice: "...Manatees..."
Sheep: "Ee-ee-ee-eehh!"
Male Voice: "And white rhinos..."
Seal: "Eur..eur...eur!"
Male Voice: "All delivered overnight! Petsovernight.com...delivering
little bundles of love, in a box...directly to your door."
Cat: "Miaoow!"
Seg 23 - Reed Tucker
(Reed speaks with a lisp. Lazlow imitates this lisp sometimes.)
Lazlow: "Alright, now joining us in the studio, we have a very special
guest, his new book 'Karate and Digestion' has been on top of
the 100 best self-help books for the past three weeks. He is the
founder of 'Now and Zen' dojo and organic food market in
Trenton, his name is Reed Tucker...welcome to Chatterbox, Reed!"
Reed: "Why thank you Lazlow, it certainly is an honour to be here
today."
Lazlow: "So tell me Reed, where did you think of the idea of combining
martial arts and organic food, I..I mean it's kinda like putting
ice-cream on pizza, both are great but they really shouldn't be
put together."
Reed: "Okay Lazlow, actually it is nothing like ice-cream with pizza,
ice-cream is milk-based as we all know, and I am lactose
intolerant, and pizza, as you may know as well is a sandwich
derivative of Italian origin, but I won't go on. Martial arts are
about discipline, and physical empowerment, not watching football
and eating junk-food. You have to explore your mind and your
digestive system, Lazlow. What you put in...also comes out."
Lazlow: "Heh...especially corn, wh..what's the story with that anyway?"
Reed: "Lazlow, I'm deadly serious now. My mentor was a 430 year old
monk, who showed me the way to enlightenment...through carrot
juice."
Lazlow: "Okay...if you have a question for Reed, we'll be taking calls in
a little bit. I think we all went through a ninja period, you
know, I had the Chinese stars, and the nunchucks....."
Reed: "...this is not a period, Lazlow!! This is the way of life! Thanks
to a strict vegen diet, I have the power of nine men. After
morning meditation and a three-bean salad, I could chop a bus in
half! Sometimes...I even frighten myself!"
Lazlow: "Heheh...no offence, but you're kind of a scrawny, pasty dude,
it...and it says on the inside cover of your book that you still
live in your parent's basement!"
Reed: "Okay, it...it's not a basement! I prefer a center for spiritual
enlightenment. In chapter 17 of my book, which I know you have
read, I address the dangers of cynicism. Lazlow, a closed mind is
like a closed fist! And karate means 'open hand!' But it might as
well mean 'open mind.' If you like wheat-grass, I think you will
really like my book."
Lazlow: "Well, I'm not a masticating cow, but I really don't enjoy
chewing damp hay, and prancing around in leggings shouting 'hi-
ya!'...."
Reed: "Okay Lazlow, I'm warning you this time...do not make me angry! It's
bad for my karma, and it will definitely be bad for your karma. I
studied the martial arts so I could stand up to bullies just like
you! And I encourage everyone listening out there on Chatterbox to
buy my book, and learn how organic food and martial arts can help
you, too!"
Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and I encourage anyone who needs a doorstop, or booster
seat to buy it as well! Let's see who's on the phones."
Reed: "Lazlow, this is your final warning...do not make me go into
my...dragon stance!!"
Lazlow: "Hehh...hello caller, you are on the air."
Caller: "Hello Reed, I bought your book, it really saved my life."
Reed: "Why thank you."
Caller: "I wanted to ask about chapter 29 - yoga, not yogurt - I just
can't give up cheese...it's sooo wonderful! I've rejected
chocolate milk and calf's butter out of my life, I've scooted
around the house with my legs in behind my head for 2 days now.
Well my husband says I look like the chick in The Exorcist. I
even put all the dairy on the top shelf in my fridge, so I
couldn't reach it with my legs in behind my legs an' all, but I
grow week and start knocking things down with a broom. What can
I do, Reed?"
Reed: "Do not fret my child, we are all weak."
Lazlow: "Heh-eh you certainly are!"
Reed: "Shut up you carnivore, why don't you go gnaw on a bone like a
gorilla Lazlow! Our ancestors didn't eat chicken wings, they lived
at one with nature and their eco-system. Existing on a diet of
nuts, berries and leafy vegetables."
Lazlow: "Heheh yes, and they threw stones at their own shadow and died
of old-age and fear at 24!"
Reed: "Lazlow...the soul is eternal. When I'm in trouble, or tempted by
those all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets with huge pans of juicy
bacon..."
Lazlow: "Can we get some bacon in here!?!"
Reed: "Hhhehh. Lazlow, I go back to basics. I start the day with a
fruity beverage, some meditation and six hours of yoga. Next I go
open up my shop 'Now and Zen,' and drink two pints of hand-pressed
potato juice."
Lazlow: "And who wants a steak after that?! Okay next caller, you are on
Chatterbox with Reed Tucker."
Caller: "Yo Reed, kung-fu movies are dope! How can I learn to beat up 10
guys at once?"
Reed: "Okay, first things first, my man. You need to stop the negative
thinking. And the best attack I've found is to just run away. That
way you instill fear in you opponent. They never know when you
might descend from the rafters...LIKE A BAT!!!"
Caller: "I don't want to hear about no tofu running away. I want to
learn how to be a ninja, kicking people's arses!"
Reed: "Actually I do cover this early on in the book, in chapter 45.
It's called 'Stir-fry your Prejudice.' You see, I once thought
like you before my master took me under his wing and taught me the
joys of soy and origami. Concentration begins in the mind, and
spreads to all the extremities of the body. You must use the
language of the body, not the tongue! And the language of the body
begins with raw, uncooked, organic vegetables. Just look at me, I
could tear a phone-book in half with my bear toes! In fact,
Lazlow, I could easily chop this desk into two half-desks!!"
Lazlow: "This desk is made of two inch thick composite wood pulp, and
has a mahogany-veneer finish, it has three draws and, knowing
this station cost a hundred dollars. In his own words Reed
Tucker is about to smash it into two half desks! Take it away
Reed!"
Reed: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have already visualized the desk in two
half desks, and now, I shall make it so! Dragon stance...HHIII-
YAA...OOOHW...OOW LAZLOW, OOH LAZLOW...I think I hurt my hand!! My...my
pinky's all bent the wrong way!"
Lazlow: "Listen karate kid...the desk is still in one piece,
thanks for coming on the show!"
Reed: "Okay Lazlow, mockery will get you nowhere! I think I'm gonna hit
you now!!"
Lazlow: "Ohh...I bruise easily, don't throw any tofus or bean
curds at me!"
Reed: "Okay very funny Lazlow, it's easy to make fun of me but it's all
the fault of the feng-shui in here, it's damn right disgraceful!"
Lazlow: "Yes it makes you talk like this! Okay, the listener
lines are open, this is Chatterbox."
Seg 24 - Crazy guy
Caller: "Hey Lazlow. That last guy was a lunatic! Where'd you dig him up
from, the state loony bin? And that wacko you had going on about
killer bees - what a moron!! I mean...just read a newspaper!
Killer bees, er..the evils of artificial sweeteners in soda
pops, Roswell..i..it's all part of the governments propaganda
plan! I might as well wear a satellite dish so they can beam
their propaganda right into my brain! C'mon, do you honestly
believe the NSA's Echelon system isn't already reading your e-
mails and recording your phone conversations? It's all designed
to frighten us so we don't complain about our rights being taken
away and fighting whatever boogie-men they come up with today!"
Lazlow: "Er..well..you realize that the government listens to this
station and if they weren't playing particular attention to you
before, they're probably gonna be following you now!"
Caller: "Oh yeah! L..look they already got me once! But n-e-ver again!"
Lazlow: "Heh. Do you have anything else to say?"
Caller: "Yeah...FREE KEVIN!!"
Seg 25 - I like working here
Lazlow: "Alright, we're talking about short guys, killer bees, the magna
carta, chi...ah, well, the red light on the wall's flashing which
means the owner of this station has an important announcement to
make. Let's go live to his office..."
Donald Love: "Hello. My name is Donald Love. You are listening to a Love
Media Station. Enjoy!"
Lazlow: "Wow man, that was deep! You know, I really like working here,
this station i..it feels like my second family. Eh-heh, except
that we have a snack machine, and I tell ya', working here beats
the hell outta digging sewage ditches outside Kuala Lumpur!"
Seg 26 - Language dispute & hopscotch
Lazlow: "Alright, let's go to the phones! Hello caller, you're on
Chatterbox."
Caller: "Lazlow man, I...I was listening to that English wimp you were
talking to earlier, I mean, do these guys realize how wussy they
sound?! I mean, th..they have the nerve to call 'crackers'
'biscuits!' And they say 'al-u-min-ium,' instead of 'aluminum.'
I mean...what's up with that!? They all think they sound so smart
with their little funny accents, I mean...I got something for
'em...SPEAK ENGLISH, YA LIMEY MORONS!!"
Lazlow: "Well you know..I think they were speaking English before we
were! Th..the people over here were speaking Shoshone and
Cherokee!"
Caller: "Man, Cherokee-shmerokee, man! A..and another thing! What's up
with them calling 'soccer' 'football?!' Man, y..you ever watched
soccer!? Man, that's a boring game, man! I'll tell what soccer
is...soccer's for little girls man! Football...now that's an
American sport! I..it teaches you good wholesome American values
man, like..like stealing other peoples land by force and...and
wearing tight pants while you do it!"
Lazlow: "Hehh...what are you talking about!?!"
Caller: "I'm talking about being a man, Lazlow! Something you wouldn't
know anything about by the sound of things. I tell ya, I bet you
play wimpy stuff like...like touch football, a..a..and basketball.
'Look, I'm running around the court bouncing the ball and I'm
seven foot three!' I'm telling ya man, I only play man sports!
Like football. And hopscotch."
Lazlow: "HOPSCOTCH!?! Th..that's a girls game!!"
Caller: "Man, that ain't a girls game man! Not rugby hopscotch! Now get
me in a scrum and I'm dangerous. I'd take anybody down! I'm the
hopscotch master! I gots fly skills at hopscotch...you know what
I'm saying??"
Lazlow: "Yeah..I..I..I kinda see your point, but you'd be a little
cranky too if your empire had fallen apart over the last hundred
years! And speaking of commerce, it's time for some commerce
here...let's go to commercials, we'll be back after this."
Fernando's New Beginnings (commercial)
Fernando: "Has your marriage gone stale? Has the spark gone out of your
love life? Looking to add a little adventure to the monotony
of monogamy? Hello...I am Fernando Martinez, founder of
'Fernando's New Beginnings,' a revolutionary new way of saving
your marriage. We understand how 2 kids and a mortgage can
take the passion out of your life. With our three-step
program, you'll re-discover romance...guaranteed!"
Phil: "Hi, my name's Phil. I've got 3 kids, 2 cars and a mortgage. My
love life was going stale, even before my wife's car accident!
Then I called 'New Beginning!' Thanks to Fernando, I'm still
married. But on Wednesday afternoons, I meet Barbara at the motel
by the turnpike."
Fernando: "See...the passion, she is back. Phil's marriage...is saved. And
his kids will have a daddy to look up to. Call 'New
Beginnings' today...cinco cinco cinco- nueve dos nueve dos". It
will be a miracle, I guarantee it! 'Fernando's New
Beginnings,' we turn an ending...into a new beginning!"
Petsovernight 1 (commercial)
Kid: "Mom, there's a package for you."
Mom: "But I didn't order anything! What's this? How sweet..."
Puppy: "Woof woof woof!"
Mom: "Gee whilikers...it's a puppy!"
Male Voice: "Everybody loves a puppy! And now you can ship one anywhere,
just by logging on to petsovernight.com!
Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a
box...directly to your door."
Puppy: "Woof!"
Seg 27 - Inconsiderate people
Lazlow: "Man, who says that e-commerce isn't a brilliant idea? Alright
speaking of brilliance, you're listening to Chatterbox, with me
Lazlow, let's go over here to the phones and see what's plaguing
Liberty City. Hello caller, you're on the air!"
Caller: "Wow, I got through! Uh, Lazlow, I think your last 2 callers are
a perfect example of manners in this city! People are rude, and
they don't seem to care about anything but themselves. Perfect
example. The other day, I stopped at the store to pick up an
exercise bar because I hadn't had breakfast or lunch. So I go up
to pay, and the lady's like 'A dollar twenty-five please.' So I
get out my cheque-book, and this guy behind me is like 'oh come
on lady, you don't have 2 dollars?' And I said 'as a matter of
fact...I don't! I spent my last 2 dollars last night buying gas at
these ridiculous gas prices. And besides, who are you anyway,
can't you see that I'm wearing my 'I walked for the cure' t-
shirt?' People are so inconsiderate!"
Lazlow: "Well, you'll get no argument from me, I mean...I get every
inconsiderate moron in Liberty City calling into this show. I
mean, people think that I have no feelings what-so-ever!"
Caller: "Exactly! Another perfect example! The other day I'm over at the
hospital to have my lunch with my girl friend Cherice, and this
maniac comes right up on my bumper, flashing his lights, and I'm
like 'hey guy, the light is red, you can't just come up behind
me honking and flashing your lights!' Then he gets over this
megaphone and says 'to the woman in the teal Maibatsu
Monstrosity, please move to the side!' Can you believe it? I
mean, who has a megaphone hooked into their car?! People are
sooo obnoxious these days! And rude! I mean, I tell my nanny to
teach my kids some manners."
Lazlow: "You know, I think that's a lesson to us all! Alright hello next
caller, you're on Chatterbox."
Caller: "Hello Lazlow..."
Lazlow: "...uhh..."
Caller: "Did that woman say she was a nanny? Because Freddy needs a
nanny because he's been a very naughty boy!"
Lazlow: "NOOO, NO NANNIES!!"
Seg 28 - Military bloke
Lazlow: "Let's go to our next caller, alright."
Caller: "Colonel James T. United Stated Marine Corps Second Battalion.
Lazlow that caller made a really valid point. These kids today
have no respect for authority! And there is one thing that would
whip them into shape!"
Lazlow: "Heh..l..let me guess! The military!!"
Caller: "That's right. The military teaches you respect! Obedience, and
it gives you a good pension! These kids that thought they were
going to be millionaires, look where the super-information-
highway has gotten them! Nowhere! It's a dead end! Uncle Sam
takes care of his boys! And some girls! If more people would
join the military this would be a better country!! I tell you
another thing about respect. These kids don't respect veterans,
we fought for your freedom! When I came back from the
Australian-American war...I didn't get a heroes welcome...I didnp't
get a pack on the back from my friends and neighbours saying
'thanks for fighting for our freedom James!' After years of
fighting in the trenches, I come back here and everyone's
watching TV!!"
Lazlow: "Now..I..I..can you tell me what this Australian-American war
was...I..I never really heard of it!"
Caller: "God, not another one! Have you read a history book lately son??
The Australian-American war the was the biggest war since the
big one! I tell ya, I didn't do two tours and take boomerang
shrapnel in my head to come back here, and have a bunch of
hippies deny our history! Those Aussies are ruthless! They even
wired kangaroos with explosives...come hopping in the camp and
knock out ten guys!"
Lazlow: "Well thanks for the history lesson!"
Seg 29 - Toni Capriani calls in
Lazlow: "Alright let's go over here. Hello caller, you're on
Chatterbox."
Toni: "Yeah? Is that Lazlow?"
Lazlow: "Yes it is. Who is this?"
Toni: "My name ain't important! It's real un-important, okay?!"
Lazlow: "Er...no not really, I mean this is a radio show, people usually
tell us their name."
Toni: "My name I is real un-important! If you wanna keep on being a
wise-guy, you'll find out just how un-important....like...un-important
I just got shot in the head un-important! Do I make myself
clear?!?"
Lazlow: "Err..yes...wh..why are you calling in today?"
Toni: "Because I need some advice. And I ain't doing any of that shrink
shit!"
Lazlow: "Er..i..if you swear again, we're gonna have to cut you off,
this is a family show."
Toni: "Sorry sorry, sorry...I'm..I'm..I'm just a little unhappy, a bit
agitated. Real angry. It's my ma! She don't think I'm a real man.
Can you imagine that? I mean, I do a mans job an all, but, she
treats me like a little boy! All I get is 'your pa' this and 'your
pa' that and 'you ain't a real man Toni' and it's driving me
freakin' nuts!!"
Lazlow: "Well, Toni..."
Toni: "Toni!? How'd you know my name was Toni?? You tracing this call?
Cos if you are, you're gonna get real intimately acquainted
with...what your brains look like! My name ain't Toni....okay!?!"
Lazlow: "Err...okay."
Toni: "But my ma, she keeps going 'Toni Toni, be a real man, stand up
for yourself, don't take no shit!' But all I do is to be a good
son, and I want her to show that she cares for me! Show that...she
loves me! And you know...say I was a good kid! But...it seems like
nothing's ever good enough for her, you know what I mean? What do
I do?"
Lazlow: "Well Ton...I mean sir...you know in life we have a lot of
obligations, and we just have to kinda...face up to them...and right
now, I'm obligated to play some commercial announcements. We'll
be back right after this!"
Pogo the Monkey (commercial)
Female Voice: "We've got a new friend for everyone!"
Pogo: "Aauh...aauuh...auuhh!"
Female Voice: "He's got fur, and a tail, he gets in lots of trouble, but
he's a bouncy little fellow. Cos he's got springs for
legs! *boing boing* Pogo the Monkey, the best new
videogame for the whole family."
Girl: "I love you Pogo, you bounce!"
Female Voice: "Help Pogo escape from the evil research laboratory, where
the mean old scientists genetically altered him! Uh-oh,
the pharmaceutical scientist is going to get you Pogo!"
Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a gold coin."
Female Voice: "Good thing Pogo has a banana cannon! Those nasty
scientists deserved to die! Now get the shampoo
manufacturers before they squirt it in your eye!"
Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a diamond!"
Female Voice: "You'll guide Pogo through tons of adventures, including
saving Timmy, who fell down the well."
Timmy: "Heeeelllp!"
Pogo: "Ooh aah ahh aah!"
Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a big watch!"
Female Voice: "Rescue the cat from the tree with your banana cannon
Pogo..."
Cat: "Meeeeeoww" *boooom*
Girl: "Here you go Pogo, have a fast car!"
Female Voice: "And help Pogo to his final mission...to storm the White
House with his friends and become President of the United
States!"
Pogo: "Aauuhh!"
Female Voice: "Pogo the Monkey's the game kids are sure to stare at for
hours! Everyone loves Pogo! Idiot Gamer called Pogo the
best spring and simian game since Bouncing Bananas! Buy
the game Pogo the Monkey today. Right Pogo!?!"
Pogo: "Auuhh...auuhh..aauuhhh!"
Female Voice: "And coming soon...Pogo the Monkey card game,
Pogo the Monkey plastic dolls, Pogo the Monkey quilt
covers and Pogo the Monkey car covers. For the dad who has
everything, why not a Pogo the Monkey tie and sports
jacket, for the lady in your life why not Pogo the Monkey
chocolates and hygiene products so she smells like a real
monkey? And for kids a life size living springing
breathing monkey, all available at pogothemonkey.com!"
*************************************************************************************
[29] More by Me
*************************************************************************************
The other walkthroughs I've posted on cheatcodes.com are.....
-Kingdom Hearts.....................PS2
-Titanic: Adventure Out Of Time.....PC
-Kingdom Hearts 2...................PS2
COMING SOON!!!!!!
-Full Wakthrough to KH2 (Coming in April 2005)
*************************************************************************************
*************************************************************************************
[30] Disclaimer
*************************************************************************************
This document is copyright by U.S. and Canadian copyright laws. This document may
not be altered, reproduced, or sold withough proper consent and given permission
from the author. Any violations will be enforced with the fullest extent of the law.
The following sites have permission to post this walkthrough.....
-www.cheatcodes.com
-www.cheatcc.com
-www.ign.com
-www.computerunderground.com
-www.gamefaqs.com
-www.just-rpg.com
-www.loochoo.com
-www.www.videogamingforums.com
_____________________________________________________________________________________
-End of Walkthrough-
