Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony
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Table of Contents (#toc) II. Introduction (#intro) III. Character Key (#charkey) IV. Storyline Missions (#story) 1. I Luv LC (#tp01) 2. Practice Swing (#tp02) 3. Chinese Takeout (#tp03) 4. Bang Bang (#tp04) 5. Blog This!... (#tp05) 6. Frosting on the Cake (#tp06) 7. Boulevard Baby (#tp07) 8. Sexy Time (#ya1) 9. High Dive (#ya2) 10. ...Blog This! (#tp08) 11. Not So Fast (#tp09) 12. Ladies' Night (#tp10) 13. Momma's Boy (#al1) 14. Corner Kids (#al2) 15. Clocking Off (#al3) 16. Kibbutz Number One (#mk1) 17. This Ain't Checkers (#mk2) 18. No. 3 (#mk3) 19. Caught With Your Pants Down (#ya3) 20. For the Man Who Has Everything (#ya4) 21. Going Deep (#rbu1) 22. Dropping In (#rbu2) 23. In The Crosshairs (#rbu3) 24. Ladies Half Price (#tp11) 25. Party's Over (#rp1) 26. Departure Time (#tp12) V. Random Character Encounters (#rndchar) 1. Daisy (#dc1) 2. Arnaud 1 (#arnaud1) 3. Arnaud 2 (#arnaud2) 4. Margot 1 (#margot1) 5. Margot 2 (#margot2) VI. Contact Info (#contact) VII. Credits (#credits) VIII. Version History (#version) IX. Legal (#legal) =============================================================================== INTRODUCTION (#intro) =============================================================================== This document is a listing of all the major dialogue in GTA IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony. All the cutscenes, driving dialogues, phonecalls, emails, and other conversations are recorded here. I've chosen to leave out a number of elements including fighting insults, mission failure convos, and various others; the game is packed full of them, and they'd do little more than muddy up the real content. Chevrons <> are used to indicate the heading of each item, such as a cutscene or email, as well as to explain what occurs in the completion of certain mission objectives. Brackets  are used (mostly in cutscenes) to explain characters' actions. Some dialogues come in two variations that I specify as A and B. There's also a few cases where the player can activate optional phonecalls. Most browsers have a Find function - press Ctrl + F and enter a search term from the table of contents, such as "#intro", to go directly to that section of the guide. =============================================================================== CHARACTER KEY (#charkey) =============================================================================== Some names don't cut down into an obvious 7-letter-or-less nickname. Here's the listing of all significant characters in the game, in order of appearance. Luis Luis Fernando Lopez. Reaper Eugene Reaper, gun club member. Niko Niko Bellic, an immigrant from Europe now working as a gun-for-hire. Packie Packie McReary, Irish-American criminal working out of Dukes. Derrick Derrick McReary, Packie's brother. Michael Michael Keane, AKA St. Michael, a hood working for the McRearys. Tony Anthony Prince, AKA Gay Tony, owner of two nightclubs and Luis's boss. Rocco Rocco Pelosi, member of the Ancelotti mob, debtor to Tony. Vince Vincenzo, Rocco's uncle. Troy Doorman at the nightclub Hercules. Dessie Doorman at the nightclub Maisonette 9. Margot An ex-girlfriend of Luis. Evan Evan Moss, Tony's boyfriend. Mando Armando Torres, close friend of Luis. Rique Henrique Bardas, close friend of Luis. Adriana Adriana Yanira Lopez, AKA Mami, Luis's mother. Yusuf Yusuf Amir, immigrant from Dubai, multi-billionare property developer. Billy Billy Grey, leader of The Lost Motorcycle Club. Gracie Gracie Ancelotti, daughter of mafia don Giovanni Ancelotti. Roman Roman Bellic, Niko's cousin. Bulgar Rodislav or Ray Bulgarin, powerful Russian crime lord from Europe. Timur Bulgarin's right-hand man. Sharon Sharon Morton, possible friend of Rocco or Tony. Cook The cook aboard The Platypus ship. Johnny Johnny Klebitz, member of The Lost biker gang. Monique An ex-girlfriend of Luis. Maurice Bouncer at Bahama Mamas. Vic Vic Manzano, owner of Bahama Mamas. Ahmed Yusuf's close friend. Tahir Tahir Saeed, another associate of Yusuf. Celeb The Celebinator, renowned internet blogger. Isaac Isaac Roth, Jewish mobster and diamond dealer. Mori Mori Green, Isaac's partner. Santo Mr. Santo, loan shark to whom Adriana owes money. Papi Dealer that Armando and Henrique associate with. Brucie Bruce Kibbutz, auto enthusiast and entrepreneur. Abdul Abdul Amir, Yusuf's rich father. Galina Galina Bulgarin, Ray Bulgarin's sister. Jerry Jerry Kapowitz, Vietnam War veteran and hobo. Daisy Daisy Cash-Cooze, debutante from London. Arnaud Frenchman visiting Liberty City. =============================================================================== STORYLINE MISSIONS (#story) =============================================================================== ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I LUV LC (#tp01) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reaper [whispering] Hey. Yo! I'm a gun club member. I'm gonna take these rookies downtown. Are you with me? Hey, what's your name, son? Luis It's Luis, man. I don't think that's such a good idea. Reaper Yeah? They said catching that pass in my high school championship football game was a bad idea cause I broke my leg in thirteen places, but.. I scored a touchdown and won the game. The world was built out of bad ideas, my friend. Derrick The PE4 has been molded and is set to explode in sixty seconds. Now listen people, we're your friends. Me and me brother, here... Packie Why're you telling them we're brothers, you idiot? That's gonna make it hard for them to find us, isn't it? Derrick Trying to be honest with these people, we've put them through a lot today. Packie Fuck these people, fuck your cause. That shit's over. Ireland's not the only thing that's green, dollars are too. Derrick Now you've said bloody Ireland, that's gonna narrow the search ain't it? Packie Fuck you! Take the needle out your arm then tell me what to do. Derrick I'll let you tell me what to do when you stop shoving half of Bolivia up your nose every Saturday night. Reaper Motherfucker! [gets up and shoots Michael] Derrick Fuck! Packie We told you not to fuck with us! [shoots Reaper] Shit! Michael! Saint fucking Michael! [The PE4 explodes at the vault.] Packie Fucking shit, get the money. Me and my brother will watch the kids. Luis [to self] Diablo, que mierda... Shit. Luis Like I said man, everything's a little fuzzy. LCPD Well, if you think of anything else, Mr. Lopez... Luis Yeah, sure, sure, I'll give you a call. LCPD Thanks. [Luis takes his card, then drops it as he walks up the street.] Luis Yo, what's up, Papi? Vendor Hey! [handshake] Luis You good? [He continues walking, dials phone.] Luis [to phone] Hey, Tony it's me... Yeah, there was a problem at the bank. Place got robbed. Nothing to do with me, I swear... Um, some Irish guys. Anyway, uh- listen, I'm coming over, okay? So wake up... You hear me? Wake up. [Continues walking, phone rings.] Luis Hello. Hey mami, como esta?... Yeah, I'm sorry, yeah- no, I was working late at the club... Yeah. Mami, don't be like that. Okay?... I'll be home soon... Look, I gotta go... Okay. [He presses the button on door phone.. thing.] Tony Who the fuck is it? Luis It's me, Tone. Tony Whatever. Come up. [Luis walks up to Tony's place.] Tony Oh, how are you? Luis I'm good, boss. How are you? You look terrible? Tony That's good, because I am terrible. Fucking wretched. Luis What's wrong? Tony Oh, the usual. Boyfriend thinks I'm a cash machine. One nightclub catering to the rich mindless crowd in a city where the rich mindless crowd is suddenly poor and mindless. Another club catering to the gay and decadent crowd when the gay and decadent crowd suddenly think decadence means buying outrageous new throw cushions instead of getting loaded in a bar, and every half-wit, part time hood in the city thinking, 'I know, let's put the squeeze on the club owners... They must really want to substitute my inadequacies with their money because, after all, they wanna stay up all night talking bullshit to morons because they enjoy it.' Luis That sounds pretty usual. Tony Thanks for the support. Luis That's what I'm here for, boss. Tony Yes, you know, if the bodyguard/business partner thing doesn't work out, you should consider a career as a fucking life coach. Luis A what? Tony Nevermind. Did you speak to Troy? Luis Yeah, he said he loves you, but he can't handle working the door of a gay club anymore. Says people are laughing at him. Tony Who's laughing at him? Luis I don't know - I think the little people stuck in his head, the ones stuck in 1955? Tony I love those people. And what's up with Dessie? Luis Yeah, he says he saw you last night, yeah, and you was holding court with that Cloe Parker until 4 am? Tony I was? Luis Apparently so. Tony My God. Forty-five years old and I get my kicks doing blow with seventeen year old kids whose only claim to fame is that people know better what their vagina looks like than their face. I should be sent to prison. Shouldn't I? Luis Yeah, most definitely. What's this money? Did you rob your own club? Tony, I just went to the bank for you, man. Tony I don't want it in the bank! [Vince and Rocco walk in unnoticed.] Vince Hey Tony, the door was open... man, it's easier to get into your apartment than into your nightclub. Luis Yeah, we have a no guido policy at the club. Here I ain't so sure. Vince Oh, I love getting racially abused by a spic! Rocco Yeah, who's the fucking taco, Tony? Tony My business partner Luis. Gentlemen, watch your language. We're in the great melting pot: we're not spics, or guidos, or fags - we're proud Americans. Luis - this is Vince and Rocco, relatives of Gracie. Rocco And creditors to you. And guess what? We ain't here about Gracie! [Luis steps toward them, but Goon 1 pulls out a gun.] Vince Oh, oh, oh! [takes the wad of cash] Beautiful. That's a start. I guess we don't have to beat you two lovers up. Rocco Good one! Vince See you later. Oh, nice to meet you, muscles. [They exit, laughing.] Tony Fuck - there goes payroll... Luis Who the fuck were those two assholes, T? Tony Fine men of the cloth. Who the fuck do you think they are? Ancelotti goons I borrowed money from way back... never mind. Amateurs. Come on, let's get out of here. Let's go. Tony We need to go to Hercules. Luis Give it up, Tone. Where'd the cash come from? Don't tell me you been running a skim job. Tony I'm one hundred percent legitimate, Luis. You know me. Total transparency. Luis Sometimes I wonder if you brought me on as a partner just to share the blame when the IRS comes knocking. Tony I was investing in your industry and acumen. Don't look for anything sinister here. Luis That's what you say, T. Pero, I'm kind of suspicious. Maybe witnessing that robbery made me paranoid, and maybe it's just hanging out with you - who the fuck knows? Tony Here we are. [shouting to doorman] Troy, get over here! A very important client is coming tonight. We need complete discretion. Troy You know me, Tone. Don't ask, don't tell. Military grade. Tony Hey, this is serious. He's paranoid no one will buy his next CD if they know he'd rather be singing cabaret than rapping. As if people buy CDs anymore. Troy Sure. Look. I really need to talk to you, Tony. Tony Blah. Blah. Blah. Another time, Troy. We'll be at Maisonette. Luis Troy's getting anxious. Tony We should all be getting anxious. The nightclub business is going to shit. Forget the banks, we're the one who needed a bailout. Luis No more of that shit left, T. Tony Time to be charming, Lou Lou. [They get out and enter the club.] Dessie Alright, Tone. Hey, L. Tony I gotta make some calls. You work the floor. Luis What's up, Tone? Tony I'm told that one of your "friends" is causing trouble out front. Can you go help Dessie? Luis You know who it is? Tony I don't know anything about it, but take care of it, Luis. No nonsense. Mando Yo, why you laying your hands on me like that, man? Luis is my boy! Rique Luis is his boy. Dessie Half the people in here say Luis is their boy; the girls all say they're fucking him, I don't care if you're his damn mother, you ain't comin' in. Not in them clothes. Not with that attitude. [Luis walks out.] Mando Enjoy looking for a job in this economic climate, motherfucker! Rique Yeah! Luis Yo, what the fuck, A? Mando Tell this clipboard and earpiece motherfucker to back up, I... Rique Back up! Luis What's the problem, D? Dessie You askin' me? Luis Yo relax, go inside, I got it. [Dessie goes inside.] Mando Yeah, go relax, go inside, huh? Rique Call your mami! You need to go relax. Mando Later for you. Luis Guys, shut up, okay? Mando Wow, downtown's really changed you, man. You're too good to take money from me and Henrique now? Luis You know it ain't even like that, bro, okay? You don't pay for shit in here. Okay, you just can't be looking like you came from selling dope on the corner. Mando You say that like it's a bad thing. [Tony passes by.] Luis Tony, what do you think? Tony Dessie wouldn't let me in dressed like that. Luis See what I mean? Tony Come to think of it Lou, what the fuck are you wearing, huh? Luis What? Tony Go home and take a bath. If you do nothing else, put on some clothes, huh? Luis Yeah, I had a complicated day, okay? Tony Alright, so take some time off, the girls in there could use a night off too. Luis Cuidate. [handshake] Tony Bye-bye, gentlemen. [Tony heads back inside.] Mando Nice boss you got there, stuck up fucking fag! Luis Ay, come on. Mando I knew that club of yours was bullshit. You gonna take us back to the Heights or what? Luis Oye, A! I've been thinking about this: how many days a week you work those corners? Mando Seven days. Junkies need junk rain, sleet, or shine. Luis You ain't no postman, Loco, you're a pusher. All those hours. You'd make more slinging meat at Burger Shot than risking a bid on them corners. Mando You sound like five-o. Shit. You think Henrique could get a job at Burger Shot? Luis What's your IQ, H? Rique Seventy six, motherfucker. Mando What they gonna let you do at Burger Shot with an IQ sub eighty? Rique They just about to let me wash the god damn dishes. Mando You see what I mean, L? They don't even have dishes at Burger Shot. All their shit is polystyrene. There ain't another job in the city for this dumb bastard to do; hourly wage considered, and all. Rique You don't get no pussy working Burger Shot neither. Mando If them Ivy League motherfuckers can't find work, what you think Rique is meant to do? Rique Work them corners, man. Work them corners. Luis IQ don't mean nothing, man. You guys are better than this. I don't want any of us to go away again. Mando Come on board with us. We can start selling our own product. Your connections, man, we'll have the whole city on our gear. Luis I took a bid for you once, man. I ain't going back there. You think I put in all this work to go back inside? Mando Prison was the best thing to happen to you, L. Luis What the fuck you talking about, man? Mando Before you went in there you was a skinny little shit and now you pumped up. Don't tell me that sugar daddy of yours woulda been interested in the scrawny fucker that went away? Rique Little Luis. Little Luis. Luis Oh yeah, thank you so much, man. I never thought about being grateful to you for signing me up to the "fight off hairy ass rapists day and night" exercise plan. Mando My fucking pleasure, bro. Mando Here we be. Rique Thanks, Luis. Mando Laters, L. Tell that boss of yours we'll be back same time next week. Luis Yeah see you, mama huevos. Tony Luis? Luis Yeah, it's me, Tone. Things go smooth at the clubs? Tony Made me wonder why I need you around at all. Luis Oh great. I might just take a vacation then. Tony Come on. I was kidding. The clubs fell apart without you. Saw that bank robbery on the news. Could have been an opportunity for some positive PR. Luis Fuck that shit. I don't need any press like that. Not with the way police treat an ex-con in this town. Tony Have it your way. See you soon. firstname.lastname@example.org Hiya Hello stranger! I haven't heard from you, did you lost my number? Maybe my phone was unplugged or something. It's been being weird. Listen. Give me a call sometime. Would be great to hang out again. Whatever, Margs Sorry, Margot. I been kind of busy. You take care. Luis. Things are real complicated right now. Look after yourself. Luis email@example.com Later Hello stranger! What's up? or as you might say 'Yo, wassup!?' Still haven't heard much from you. I left a couple of messages. Maybe you didn't get them. Anyway, me and some friends are meeting up later at the club. Maybe see you there? Be good to hang out. This guy is there who wants to date me and stuff but he's kind of annoying. Not like you. Apart from when you don't call back. Which is a bit rude. Seriously. I'm busy too. I've got a life, a good one. I'm hot. Anyway, see you later, maybe. Whatever, Margs. Look after yourself, Margot. Luis. Don't think I'm working tonight. Luis firstname.lastname@example.org Huh?????? Hello stranger! Well, I'm sorry. I guess you never got the present I sent, because if you did and you haven't thanked me, that's just rude. I mean, seriously. Listen, I don't know what is wrong with you or whatever but come on. I mean, listen, I'm not a stalker or anything but I thought we kind of had a connection and in this crazy city, that means something. Do you want to die alone, Luis, because I think you will. Seriously. You can't treat people like this. I mean who do you think you are? You an asshole and you're not that well endowed. I faked it. Why are you doing this to me? Seriously. Why? Whatever, Margs Marge, I think you need to chill out. Please can we call this quits? Please stop mailing me. Forget we ever met. LLopezWilkinson@grype.org Ma Hey baby bro, It's me, how you doing? I miss you! Listen, I know things have been kind of hard and I know I've been absent and hard on you, and I know Ernesto can be a prick (is always a prick!) but can you try and keep an eye on Momma. I know she can be tough, but she needs you. We all away and not doing so much for her and you all she got. I know she gives you a hard time, but she only wants the best for you. I hope you doing well and not breaking too many hearts. PS Don't ever get a job in human resources. People treat you like you need to wipe their asses. Love, Leta Hey sis, good to hear from you! I try with momma! She just don't like me so much. All she does is give me a hard time, so it gets kind of hard. Anyway, hope you and the kids and the white bread man are doing well. Love Luis. I ain't the one you need to talk to, it's momma! I help her all I can, and she still gets on me. Love to the kids. Luis. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PRACTICE SWING (#tp02) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Could do with some help at Maisonette. Come by during opening hours or I'll see you at the loft. T xx Tony Oh, where the fuck have you been, man? Luis Yeah, I came as soon as I could. Tony I don't pay for 'as soon as I could'. Sleeping with half the women in Liberty City, no doubt. Luis What's wrong with you, man? You're acting like an asshole. Tony You think I don't know that? You think I like being like this? Luis Then what's wrong, T? Tony I've fucked up. Good and proper. I work Algonquin nightlife twenty years. I beat everyone. Mayors, rivals, drugs, everyone. And this time, I've fucked up. I'm the only man in the history of this town with the hottest gay and straight clubs at the same time and I am about to lose everything. Luis What are you talking about, T? Tony I don't know if it's that idiot Evan, or the economy, or this fucking cocaine or the pills, which I am not taking anymore, but this time, I fucked up. I've done a deal with the wrong devil, man. I am such an idiot. Luis Things have been bad before, man; I fight, you plot, together we get out of it. Tony Sure. But we've never been this fucked before. Luis Hey, you saved me, man, made me. Gay Tony will always be the king of this town. You are this town. Tony I sold the business to two different people and they each think they own the lot. Man, we're fucked. Luis So, I'll go tell them they gave you the money as a present, and if they don't like it, I take them to the special VIP room at the bottom of the West River. Tony It's going to be very crowded in the VIP room. These are not nice people and there's a lot of them, and right now, you and me have to go play nice with one of them so they don't start sending rent-a-goombah into the club. Fuck. Luis It's going to be okay, man. Tony Yeah, whatever. Meanwhile, there's a- there's this blogger, this nebbish with an internet connection, bad mouthing me all over town. Do you know this guy? 'The Celebinator'? Luis Celebe-what? Tony I... whatever... Come on... Alright who's the girl? Luis There wasn't a girl, man. Tony There's always a girl. Tony Head down to the pier. We're meeting Rock at the driving range. Luis We doing something for Rocco? The kid who took your money? Tony Yes. One of the joys of getting old is being ordered around by people below the age of consent in Utah. Luis Don't you mean it's one of the joys of borrowing money you can't pay back? Tony He can take my money, blackmail me, put a gun to my head, but if I'm caught in bed with him it's me who goes to jail. Luis Rocco struck me as an insecure prick, but I didn't think he rolled like that. Tony He doesn't! I don't think he does, at least. Do you think he does? All that pent up suburban hard man angst. The fake tan and muscles can be confusing. Luis Actually, he reminds me of Evan. Tony So sue me, I got a type. Luis Yeah. Sure. You could call crazy coke addict moron a type. Tony You been reading my Lovemeet profile? "Lonely old has-been seeks crazy coke head with bulging orange biceps." Enjoy your youth, Luis. You don't appreciate it until it's over. Luis Oh yeah, I'll look back on these years of getting shot at and helping you clean up puke as the best times of my life. Luis You know what we're needed for at the driving range? Tony I don't actually. The kid might just want some company. Can you blame him? Luis Yeah, I can. I got better things to be doing than babysitting the snot nosed prick. Tony Really now? Because some of the girls I seen you with, I could swear their parents must have signed consent forms. Luis Oh, funny shit. One of the benefits of running a club is a thorough ID check on any potential interaction. Tony Thank the fun police for that little jail dodger. When are you going to settle down, Luis? Spreading all that seed of yours has got to get exhausting, never mind messy. Luis Tone, you mind if we don't discuss my seed and what I do with it? Shit, if you and Evan is an example of a long-term relationship, I'm going to steer clear. Tony What happened to that Margot girl, anyway? She was nice. Or that English one, Rose, wasn't it? Luis It was Daisy, bro. How you know about that shit, anyway? Tony I know everything that happens in the clubs. I may be a washed up old has-been, but I pay attention. Luis You SEEK attention, I'll give you that. Tony Thank you. Luis Fucking Rocco! After what happening in Chinatown, please tell me we gonna take a nine iron to his legs. Tony You think I like running around for that little shit? There was a time when the name Tony Prince meant something downtown. If you think I signed up to be this boy scout mafioso's stooge with a big grin on my face... Luis Yeah, well, being his stooge's stooge ain't too much glamor neither. Tony Money makes a man do strange things. Pussy makes him do stranger things, but luckily I'm not susceptible to those perils like you are. Luis Toto don't get you killed nearly as much, if recent times is anything to go by. Tony Don't underestimate it, Luis. The snatch has brought down empires bigger than our own. Luis You should get some T-shirts made, T. Get out of the nightclub business and concentrate on your philosophical sayings. Tony Come on. He's in here. Rocco Oh! Tony Rock. Hey. How are you? Rocco There they are. The spic and the fag. Tony, shit, you got burrito breath. You ain't been eating Mexican again have you? Luis Yo Rock, you've invested in the wrong clubs, man. Maybe Split Sides is more your vibe. Rocco Oh, baa da boom. I'm sure I woulda found that funny if I spoke spic. Real shame, I'll have to ask my maid to translate for me. Tony Rock, what do you need? Rocco I need you to help me get some information out of this union prick who's decided to get an over-inflated opinion of himself. These fucking guys, stuck in the 1970s or something. Luis Where is he? Rocco He's right... down... there. [Tied to a golf cart is the union official. Rocco hits a ball at him.] Rocco Fuck. Prick You fucking missed me you, you piece of shit. Fucking prick. Rocco Oh, big man? Prick Yeah yeah you fuck, you missed me bitch. Rocco I'm gonna get down there and go talk to him. Prick You missed. You swing like a fag. Rocco You hit him with some balls when I tell you to. You think you can do that for me, Louise? Luis Yeah, I'll give it a try. Luis What we doing, man? Tony We're keeping our most important investor happy. Just hit it already. Rocco Tell us who's causing problems already. Prick Alright. Okay. Mel Toblowsky with Libel says he ain't gonna comply. He's working down Columbus Avenue. Rocco You got more than that. I know it. Prick That's it. Let me fucking go already. Luis Doesn't Rocco have someone else to hit the batting cage for him? Tony You've met the guy, haven't you? I can't imagine he's got too many friends. Rocco Gimme the rest of them, you piece of shit. Prick Alright, okay, okay, Jack Duffy, with the Transport Workers. He's getting fat off the other guys. Tony Where'd you learn to play golf, Lou? Luis Right here. Right now. Needs must, Tone. To be honest, I never fancied the game. I find the clothes you have to wear kind of unflattering. Rocco There's got to be more than just those two! Prick This is way over your head, dickwad. The head of the LTA is with the Messinas. You can't do nothing. You guys are fucked, okay? The Messinas are gonna be all over your ass. Rocco You think that means shit to me? Fuck you. Rocco Fuck. Get down here, Taco! Tony Much as it pains me, we better get down there. Tony Push it, Lou. Come on. We're nowhere near top speed in this thing. Luis Oh really, Tone? When did you become the golf buggy specialist? Tony Oh, I don't know. Just get us out of here and shut up. Tony How'd we get into this situation? Luis Running away from mobsters in a motherfucking golf cart? I think you got us here, T. Thanks for that. Death with dignity, nice. Tony That was a plesant outing, Rock. Where's that put us with you know what? We square? Rocco Square? What you borrowed? At those points? You ain't even making a dent on the interest. Besides, I'm about to have to do all the messy work on this guy myself. Prick No! But I-I-I told you shit. I told you everything. Rocco I'll see you guys later. [driving away] Prick Jesus. Tony Let's just head back to the apartment. Luis Hey you know, I'm really warming to that guy. Like a bad case of crabs. Tony Crabs are easy to get rid of. Believe me on that one. Luis Thank you for sharing. Tony We're business partners, we share everything. Luis The emphasis is on business, bro. You can keep your crabs to yourself. Tony Sorry, man, but I really got us in the shit here, Luis. Luis Tony, man, you got to calm down. You're really pushing it. Tony Yeah, well, if you weren't out chasing tail, and this was a two man operation like it should be, then maybe things would be holding together, better. Luis Oh! I'm getting blamed for this now? Oh of course. Whenever I come to the clubs you ask me to run off on some stupid errand like a chump. You don't ever let me into the serious shit. And you do deals without even telling me. Until it comes time to protect your ass from whoever you got your fatwa of the day from. Tony Alright. Alright. Maybe I have taken you for granted. I'll change. I'll be better. Luis Yeah, thank you, but I don't believe it. Luis Wow. What a champ. I love that guy. Tony Sarcasm. Great. Just what I need right now. The world is crashing down around us, the wolves are baying for blood, and the guy who's meant to be my rock has become a bitter and cynical prick. Luis Shit, I'm sorry. I'll stick to blind optimism. Everything's gonna turn out just perfect, because Tony says so, and he never makes mistakes. Tony Again with the sarcasm. It's really beneath you. Luis Listen, Tone. Maybe you should take a holiday. Get down to Vice City. The Caribbean maybe. Let me handle things for a while. At least until we get out of this shit. Tony You think you're ready for that? You know who to grease when the licenses expire, or the city goes on a noise control push, or we need to file a tax return? Luis I ain't never handled that shit, but it can't be that tough. Tony Good idea. Let's have you put us out of business. I may have dumped us in the crap but sadly, for you and ME, I'm the only one who knows how to keep us from drowning in it. Luis Here we are, bro. Rest up okay. Tony Listen, Lou, would you mind paying Mori a visit. He says he needs help with something. I know he's a bit of a schmuck, but we owe the man money and I don't want him anywhere near the clubs. Luis I feel you there, T. That guy is a social atom bomb. I'll go see him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHINESE TAKEOUT (#tp03) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dessie Hey, man. Luis Hey, bro. Tony in? [handshake] Dessie Yeah. [Luis walks in to Tony's office.] Tony [to phone] Mori, Mori - shit, no no, Mori. Mori no - I-I got the money, seriously. That's not the issue... No, I just want to make you happy. Is there anything else my team can do for you? We do events, parties... No, no, anything you like, just give it a think... alright bye-bye. [hangs up] What a dick. Luis So, what's up, T? Tony I don't want to think about what's up. Come on. There's something I gotta take care of. Alright, think. Think. Ah, got it. [Yusuf walks over with a girl on each arm.] Yusuf Hey, Mr. Tony! You remember me? Tony Of course. Of course. My business partner, Mr. Lopez. Yusuf Yusuf Amir. What is up, homie? Luis Not much. Yusuf Hey, you guys want to join us maybe for uh, a bit of this or a bit of that? Tony Ah, we'd love to, but we've got to go deal with some business. Yusuf Okay good. Good seeing you. Take care, huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, and if you ever want to talk about franchising this place just give me a call. Tony We will. We absolutely will. Yusuf Aiight! [walks off] Lets go, I'm in the mood baby! Tony Head down to Dragon Heart in Chinatown. Tony Take this gun, Luis. Just in case. Luis Just in case? Yo, this is some sci-fi shit. Tony I know a guy who gave me a deal. What can I say, it helps to be prepared. Luis Tony, man, we're going to Chinatown? Really? Tony What? We got business. Luis Tony! You know what you're like on the MSG. Those fuckin' headaches! You won't leave the house. All for a fucking egg roll? Ay Dios mio. Tony Aww, I'm glad you care. Luis It ain't that I care, it's that I can't take the moaning. Tony Well we're not heading out for dim sum. Rocco's asked us to talk to someone. Luis The rent-a-guido pretending to be a gangster? Now I wish we were getting takeout. Tony Hey, we're in debt to the kid and his uncle and he's got the ear of one of the most powerful families in the city. We got to at least pretend to play ball. Tony I got this gun for you, Luis. It helps to be prepared. Luis Yo, we prepared for the apocalypse with this shit, Tony. This is hardcore. Tony Yeah, well, I know a guy. Luis Hey I don't get it, T. The clubs are making money, but we always in the shit. Tony You think it's easy keeping you in the manner to which you've been accustomed? Luis Me? You're the one keeping the male beauty queen. If there's something that might kickstart the economy, it's that guy's spending habits. Tony The cocaine economy, maybe. But I don't think those guys are having problems to begin with. Luis Whatever, bro. Just tell me where the money from the club goes every week. Tony It goes on our debts. We're paying the bank. We're paying that midget, Mori. Don't ask me how much the Ancelottis are taking. The staff are lucky they get a pay check! Luis I'm supposed to know this shit, man. I'm your business partner. Tony Shoot me if I like seeing you walk around with a smile on your face. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant. Luis Oh yeah? Blissfully walking around like a douche. Billy In that case, I guess my brother is in good hands. You take care of that prick. Triad It seems the definition of family loyalty differs in your country. Billy The marketplace has a value for everything, and I guess that a disloyal Jew bastard ain't worth shit to me. Brother or no brother. Such are the heady joys of consumer capitalism. Triad A system that's flaws are becoming increasingly evident. Billy Ha! That's right, I forgot. You little yellow people are commies too, huh? Both sides of the fence? You know, I grew up watching your kind get killed on the TV - hell of a show. Triad I'm sure, but perhaps the show wasn't as much fun as the reality of their war. Billy Hmm. Perhaps not. Now, I bid you farewell, sir. And don't do all that smack at once. On second though... Y'know, go ahead. Do. [Luis and Tony walk in as Billy exits.] Billy Boo! Luis Watch it, you greaseball fuck. Triad I apologize for our associate's uncouth manner. I can only say that our partnership with him is one of necessity, not of volition. Please, you must be the famous Tony Prince. Tony Ah. Notorious, maybe. This is Luis Lopez, my business partner. Triad Mr. Pelosi has led me to expect much from this meeting. Tony Yeah, about that. Rocco has a tendency to promise more than he can deliver. He must have been weaned too early. Luis Yeah, or not weaned at all. Triad As you can see we are already behind schedule on this project. We need you to... How do I put this... to 'clear things' with the Planning Department and to ease some licensing troubles. Luis Hey, look. We're not lawyers. Okay? We run nightclubs. Pretty badly, too. We got enough trouble keeping the licenses on our own clubs. Okay? We don't do licenses. Triad Before I was being polite, Mr. Lopez, but I do not have to be. Mr. Pelosi made it clear that you are not in a position to choose who you help and who you do not. Luis Yeah, well, that kid's got a big mouth, okay? And he ain't in no position to be writing checks for us. Okay? We are not going to be able to help you. Period. Let's go, Tone. Tony Sorry to waste your time, Mr... Triad You are not going anywhere until we have an arrangement. Tony No, I'm afraid we are. There is no arrangement. You got a problem? Take it up with your boy Rocco. Triad [pulls out gun] You are not negotiating column inches and bar tabs, you insolent fuck! We are serious people? Luis Really? Triad Yeah. Really. [Luis kicks the gun out of the Triad's hand and knocks him out.] Tony What is wrong with you? I was supposed to be the irrational idiot with anger issues. Luis I've got anger issues? Okay. The guy threatens to shoot me because I can't arrange a liquor license for him. Tony Oh God. Oh shit, they're coming for us. Tony Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Can you drive me to my apartment? I need to lie down. Tony I can't believe we made it out of there. That was worse than spin class. My fucking heart. Luis Hey, you need to look after yourself. Tony I'm soaked through. I must have lost three pounds in sweat. Luis Yeah, don't go looking for a bright side. Rocco's big mouth nearly got us killed. Fuck! When I get a hold of him. Tony You won't do anything, Lou. You'll play it nice. We can use this if we're smart. Luis We were dumb enough to walk into the death trap for the kid. I doubt we're gonna pull brains out of our asses now. Tony Leave it to me. You just concentrate on looking pretty. Luis Yeah, absolutely, T. You've done such a great job so far. Tony I never thought we'd get out of that place. What a fuck up. Jesus. Luis That wasn't ever gonna go right. That guido better control his mouth. Tony Personally, I blame the Oriental psychopath. He coulda taken it like a gent. I can see how dealing with a third in short pants may have pushed him over the edge. I'm feeling that way, too. We shoulda just smiled at the guy, said we'd do all we could for him, and never returned his calls. That's how you treat your admirers, ain't it? Luis What you take me for, T? I'm a gentleman. Tony Well, if we'd tried that rather than telling the guy "no" to his face we may have saved on bullets, dry-cleaning, and therapy bills. Luis Yeah, next time, Tony. Luis You gonna call Rocco then? Rip him a new one? Tony I got a feeling we ain't the only ones who'll be ripping him, Lou. God, I need my pills. Luis Don't take that shit, T. I'm serious. Luis Tone. Tony Luis, what's gotten into you? Why haven't you been helping out at the clubs? Luis You serious? I been running round this city getting shot at by assholes, doing hits for assholes, and hanging out with assholes, so we can keep these places running. What else do you expect me to be doing? Tony Standards have slipped, Lou. We're dead without this revenue stream. Just keep an eye on things, okay? Dessie's at Maisonette every night. Just talk to him and he'll explain everything. Luis Okay, T. Put your feet up. Relax. Enjoy yourself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BANG BANG (#tp04) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Evan [dancing and singing] Here she comes. Watch out boy, she'll chew you up. Whoa oh here she comes, she's a man eater. Whoa oh here she comes. Watch out boy, she'll chew you up. Whoa oh here she comes, she's a man eater. [Luis enters and tries to pass, but Evan dances in the way. Luis shuts off the music.] Evan What's your problem, man? Luis Where's Tony? Evan Where's Tony? Where's Tony? What's wrong with, "Hi Evan, you're looking cut." "Hi Evan, like a drink?" "Hi Evan, if I wasn't straight I'd ravage you right now." Luis Evan, where's Tony? He said meet him here. Evan Who cares about fucking Tony? The man's a neurotic. He's back on drugs. He's looking old. He refuses to get any work done. And PS: the man's a wreck. Luis Then break up with him for the last time and fuck off out of all of our lives. Please. Evan Wow, somebody's got his sister's underwear on by mistake. Luis Ay Dios mio. Evan, look, I've always thought that, even for a coke pushing steroid junkie, you were a particular asshole. Okay, I'm just going to admit that. Now would you shut the fuck up before I shut you up? Now where's Tony? Evan He's in the bedroom. [Luis goes to the bedroom, where Tony's lying down.] Luis Hey Tony, get up. Tony Ahh, piss off. Luis Come on, get up man, let's go. Tony Piss off. I wanna die. Luis Okay man, if that's how you want it. [pulls him off the bed] Come on. Let's go, let's go. Whoa, over here. Over here. Over here. [puts his head in the bathroom sink, pours water over it] Better? Tony [coughing] Oh, great. Luis Come on, papi. Let's go. This way. This way. Come on. Tony Come on? Fuck this. [They leave the bedroom.] Luis You said we had something to take care of. I ain't having you screw up. Tony I should have let your parole officer put you back in prison all those years ago. Luis You're a degenerate. Evan What about me? You guys can't just leave me here. Luis Yeah, good point. [walks up and headbutts Evan in the face] Now fuck off, Evan. You gave him the pills. Be gone before I get back. Let's go. Come on, you got it. Let's go. Tony I'm good. Evan [clutching face] You fucking hetero! Tony Oh, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Luis What? Tony I forgot something. Luis Forgot what? Tony Th... th... the explosives. [picks up a briefcase] Luis Explosives? Explosives!? What's wrong with you, man? You run a nightclub, not a terror cell. Tony Rocco's gone nuts. He's gonna burn the clubs down for insurance. He's gonna fucking kill us. Luis Yeah, he's gone crazy and you're running around with some bombs, okay. What drugs are you on? I hope they're strong. Tony I told him I'd take care of his Union problems for him. It's the only way out. Either that, or they kill me. Luis Yeah, I wish you'd talked to me about this first, man, okay. Blowing shit up ain't exactly your side of the business, okay? It's not your forte. Tony What do you care about the business? You got your fucking head in the clouds. Huh? You think you're a big shot. You're a nothing and soon you gonna be a dead nothing. Luis Yeah, no doubt, boss. Now, where are you going? Tony They got a guy digging up Frankfort Avenue for Liberty Electric. Luis Okay. What else? Tony The Transport Workers guy is driving an out-of-service subway train through North Holland. I'm meant to take the whole thing out. Luis A subway train? Jesus Christ. Please tell me that's it. Tony The head of the LTA is out at Francis International in his private jet. Luis And you'll probably blow yourself up as soon as you walk out the door. You ain't doing this. Tony I've got to. It's the only way we can survive. Get out my way. Luis I'm sorry. As much as I'd like to right now, I'm not letting you kill yourself. Tony Try and stop me. [puts up his fists] Luis Okay. [knocks him out] Shit, Tony. You're a real piece of fucking work, you know that? Tony Alright Lou. Luis Hey Tone. Tony Was knocking me out really necessary? Luis Were you gonna let me take care of this explosive bullshit, or were you gonna insist on blowing yourself up? Tony I got us into this mess... Luis Exactly, man. Tony Thank you, partner. You should know that Evan's walked out on me. We're over. Luis Yeah I heard that before, T. If it's real this time, it's a good thing. He's dragging you down, man. He's a fucking parasite. You need to concentrate on getting your own life together. See you soon. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BLOG THIS!... (#tp05) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Troy Hey Luis, what's up, man? Luis Hey, what's up, Troy? [handshake] Tony inside? Troy No, he's not here yet. Ah, did you talk to him? Luis Who? Troy Tony. About me. Luis What about you? Troy About me working here, man. I can't do it no more. I ain't queer and it's doing my head in. Luis Bro, you work for a guy whose nickname since 1985 is Gay Tony. Why do you give a fuck? Troy Because I want to be married, man. You know? I want to have a nice life. I want a picket fence in Alderney, I want to raise kids, play ball. You know, and look at me. Luis Bro, I don't know what to tell you, man. Dessie is the man at Maisonette, okay? This is the job we got for you. If you don't like it, fuck off, I guess. If you do, shut the fuck up and stop being a moron. Troy Don't be like that man. You know me. I'm an artist. I've got songs in me. Maybe if Tony could hear me sign, I'd be okay here. Luis You're the fucking doorman, bro, not the cabaret. What is wrong with you? You're real tense, man, and you used tobe cool. Tony [arrives by car] Hey Troy... Hey, how's business? Luis, come on, let's go. Troy Pretty quiet. Tony Oh, fantastic. [shouting] What is wrong with you people? Don't you know a good time when you see one? Jesus, when even the queens don't want to get wrecked, you know this city has turned into a fucking suburb! Alright! Luis, get in the car. Gracie, sweetheart, in the back. Troy Tony, can I have a word? Tony No! No. Let's go. Tony Take us out to Gracie's place in Alderney, will you? It's on Babbage Drive. Gracie Luis! Hey babe. How are you? Luis Hey yo. Hey Gracie. What's up? Gracie Tone, what the fuck is it with Luis? I mean, he'll try to bang anything with a pussy, but it's Mr. Limpdick when I'm around. Tony I don't know. Maybe it's your charming turn of phrase, or your demure, almost nun-like manner. What is up with that, Luis? Luis Sorry Gracie, you ain't my type, so can you let me be a "limpdick" in peace? Gracie Having a pussy is your type, Lou. Tell me what's wrong with me? Luis There ain't nothing wrong with you... if you like really loud guidettes. Gracie Luis! Fuck you. Luis Hey look, I stopped dealing with mobster brats after Dani Luipsella tried to get her daddy to cut my balls off. Call me an asshole, but that was it for me. Tony I know where you're coming from. The shit I got into after my night of indiscretion with Roy Zito. Whoa! Trying to claim I spiked his drink. Gracie Roy Z's a homo? Tony He ain't a very good one. Gracie I never woulda guessed it. Luis Yeah, well, they don't wear a label on their head. Gracie Oh! Look at this bitch behind the wheel! Tony, your extreme queeniness is starting to rub off on the employees. Luis Look, cono, Tone, what are we doing out at Gracie's house? Tony We're paying a visit. Luis Shit, don't we got other problems right now? Come on! Tony Now that you mention it, there is another issue - that fucking nebbish, the Celebinator. Gracie Oh my god! I just love that guy's blog. Tony Well that guy's blog don't love us. Luis What happened? Tony He's talking shit like it's going out of fashion. Luis So what? He thinks he's the only guy with a mouth on the fucking internet? Tony This is something we don't need right now. Ughh, if no one comes to our summer party in the Carraways... Luis Chill out, bro. First of all, the summer's a long way off. And second, we shouldn't be having no party in the Carraways with our financial situation. Tony This guy could sink us! Gracie Listen to him, Lou. The Celebinator is real influential. Luis Relax, bro. We'll send him a basket. It'll be cool. Tony It's fucking blackmail with these guys. He got left off a list somewhere so it's our livelihoods at stake! Luis Oy. Alright. I'll check him out. What's his site? Tony I'll send you a link. Will you drop us off and go do it now? Gracie But that means Luis won't be able to see the inside of my place. Luis Oh well in that case, I'll definitely do it now. Gracie Shit, Lou, another time. Luis Oh yeah sure, babe. Some other time. Gracie Hey Lou. Luis Hey Gracie. You mind calling me Luis? That's my name, okay? Gracie But Tony calls you Lou... Luis Yeah, Tony's Tony. He's the boss. He gets special privileges. And since I ain't flipping pizzas in an Alderney strip mall, for you, Luis suits me better. Tony You gotta have respect for that kind of logic, Gracie. Gracie He sounds like a fucking faggot to me. Tony This prize stud ain't no fagoot, believe me. Gracie Yeah, I know. I heard the stories. How come you never made a play on me? Luis Sorry, babe, I got this Alderney rule. I don't mess with any women from your side of the West River. Tony He got that one from me. Gracie Well, I ain't gonna be living in Alderney forever. Tony When are you moving, Gracie? It's social suicide over there. Gracie Tell mea bout it. Living in the Luis Lopez no-fuck-zone means I ain't got one thing in common with most of the skanks in the city. Luis Come on, baby. No need to be rude. Tony Ignore her, Lou. She's bitter like that lonely old queen, the Celebinator. Luis The who? Gracie The Celebinator! Oh my God! I love that site! Did you read about Clay Jackson? I could not believe it! Tony No comment. Luis What about this Celebinator, Tone? Tony He's got a hard-on for us and it ain't gonna go away. He'll bring heat and that'll mean license trouble. Luis Hard-ons are your department, T. If he likes you, then maybe you gotta take one for the team. "Positive PR", ain't that what you're always saying? Tony With all the shit we're dealing with at the moment, the last thing we need to be doing is further enhancing this egomaniac piece of shit's opinion of himself. But he's on a rampage. He's outing our patrons, he's trashing us, he's a complete cunt. Can you send him an email? Use that famous charm of yours? Luis Yeah okay, bro, I'll get on that shit right now. "Dear Complete Cunt, it has come to my attention that..." Tony Exactly! That's the charm the women love. Gracie Does that mean you're not coming to my house? Luis I'll drop you guys off, but then I got to handle this. Tony's orders. Tony What would I do without him, huh? Gracie Awww. Tony Thanks, Luis. Call me when you've emailed that dreadful blogger. Gracie See you, Lou. Tony This is your house, Gracie? And that is your car? Oh my god, you need to move to the City. Gracie What's wrong with the car? I'm trying to sell it anyways. Fucking cops took my license and I was not DUI! Tony@Maisonette9.com site Hey. Here's that link. www.youvebeencelebinated.com. Reel him in coz I've got something planned. Thanks, Tony Thanks No drama Tony Luis, how'd you like his site? Luis Yeah, I can't believe people read that shit. No wonder we didn't let that bucktooth bastard in. Tony But you schmoozed him, didn't you? Luis I was my most charming digital self. Like one of them internet vigilantes pretending to be twelve. Tony Thanks, L. Let's see where it goes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROSTING ON THE CAKE (#tp06) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rocco Oh, look who it isn't! [to Luis] Gracie Jesus, you could knock or something. I mean, my heart is beating two hundred beats a minute. You almost put me in the hospital. Sharon This is good blow. Evan Here, give me some! Rocco Oh, I know. Listen, Gracie, tell your father, tell him... Gracie Tell him you've been selling me coke? He will love that. Rocco No, no. I don't mean that. Tell him, tell him I'm okay, you know, tell him I'm on the up... Luis Yeah, tell him if he wants a good fake tan or some hair gel, Rocco can hook him up. Rocco Oh, fuck off, Luis! Luis Try it, bro. I'll happily do more time for you. Gracie Oh, Luis, you always gotta act so tough. Just have a fucking line and chill out, like me. You people. Evan Luis is always such a buzz kill. Sharon We're meant to be having fun here... I'm having fun. I am. Where's my fucking phone? Gracie This coke is kind of speedy, Rock. Luis Where's Tony? Sharon He went out. Gracie You better not be spiking me with speed, Rock, or I will be so angry... Luis Where did he go? Gracie Who? What is wrong with you? Man, you are ruining my buzz. Luis Tony! Where's Tony? Gracie He's over there. Rocco Yeah, passed out. Again. Guy's a fucking mess, Luis. Holding you back. Evan He holds everyone back. Gracie No he doesn't. Luis [dragging Tony to his feet] Get up. Come on, get up. Rocco Yeah, get up you has been, no good 1980s throw back relapse junkie fag. Gracie What is wrong with you? Tony get up, baby. Tony Ladies and gentlemen, more shots! Ha!... Hey, hey guys. What's going on? Luis You tell me, boss. What's going on? Why'd you call? Tony I don't know... Rocco Because of that thing, T? Come on, that sparkly thing? Wake up, you junkie fag. Tony Oh right, right, that thing... that shit. That thing! Okay Luis, right. We gotta go. Ladies, have some fun. Keep your septums all in one piece. [to Luis] Jesus, man, I feel like a camel shat in my mouth and it wasn't fun. Luis Here we go. Tony No, no, no. Not again. No, no. [Luis shoves his head in the kitchen sink and pours water over.] Evan Hold on, guys. I wanna come too. Luis Fuck off Evan. This is work. It's not working out. Evan Whatever, bitch. [Luis and Tony leave.] Gracie So anyway, anyway, anyway Sharon, I think I'm gonna sell my car. Sharon Oh my god, that is so funny! Gracie I know! [giggling] Rocco What's so funny about that? Evan Absolutely nothing. [All four laugh, then Evan walks out.] Tony I forgot about ordering these limos. Coke makes me real classy, don't it? You take Evan, Lou. I'll go with the driver. I could do with not talking. Luis Left me with my favorite person. Perfect. [Luis gets in one limo with Evan, Tony drives off in the other.] Evan East Hook please, driver. Luis What exactly are we doing, man? Evan Listen, Luis, no offense, but I don't know how much I'm allowed to tell you. Luis What do you mean, Evan, tell me everything you know. Evan Really? I mean, how much information are you privy to? You're just the fucking driver, after all. Luis I'm privy enough to know that you're a piece of shit who's using Tony, and you only gonna be hanging around for two to three months, before Tony moves on to another chump. I'm privy to the fact that the coke in your nose and the 'roids in your veins are gonna send you worse out of control real soon. I'm also privy to the fact that you gonna be some fat trailer park queen back in the Midwest before you hit thirty. Now, tell me what the fuck we doing right now! Evan Ughh, that attitude's not gonna get you anywhere, sweetie. You better say something nice to me. Luis Tell me what's fucking happening! Evan If you say something nice, I'll think about it. Luis You can get Tony fucked up like no one else can, Evan. That nice enough? Evan Aww, sweet. Thank you, Luis. Tony is more fun when I'm around. What do you want to know? Luis What are we doing going to the docks in East Hook? Evan We're buying diamonds. Two million dollars' worth. Luis Ay Dios mio. Where did Tony get that kind of cash, bro? Evan You don't know everything, do you, Luis? Luis I know that money can't be his unless he borrowed it. Where's it from? Evan How the fuck should I know? I'm the looks, not the accountant. Luis Oh yeah, I forgot. You just snort the money, you don't know where it comes from. Evan The money could be Rocco's, it could be Gracie's, who cares? We're getting some ice, baby. Luis I don't like the sound of this, bro. Evan See what I mean, always so serious. Don't worry, for once. Tony's skimmed ten percent off the agreed amount so we'll have some spending money. Whoop! Whoop! Gonna hit the shops today, baby. Luis Even fucking better, bro. Even better. Luis Yo, E, I thought you and Tony was split up. I was looking forward to him upgrading. You know, to a newer, less annoying model. Evan What's this? Why is the driver talking to me? Hello! I don't speak to the help. Luis Seriously, bro, you guys back on? Evan On, off, off, on. What can I say, that pathetic sack of shit needs me, and I need amusement. Life is so dull. Luis I think you got things the wrong way around there, bro. You the guy who keeps him up at night and feeds him pills so he's catatonic all day long. He don't need that shit. I, on the other hand, am the fucking idiot who keeps him alive and out of jail. Evan Oh, Lou Lou. You are such a downer. Luis I ain't no downer, you fucking moron, I'm just trying to stop Tony from throwing his life and our business away. Evan Yes, you are! And the last thing a club owner needs is to stop being fun. I mean, he's always in such a mood when he sees you. Whinge. Whinge. Whinge."We've got no money left. They're going to repossess everything. Ughh, my life is shit." Jesus, the amount of time it takes to turn him back into the Gay Tony people pay to hang out with, I deserve that allowance hike and more! I should be on the payroll, just like you. Luis I thought we froze your allowance? What with the economy and all. Evan Fraid not, Lou Lou. I got a hike as part of my getting-back-together deal. Thinking about becoming a partner in the club business, too. Tony needs all the help he can get. His driver's getting far too far ahead of himself, huh. Delusions of adequacy, I suppose. Luis Haven't you got a job already? Evan I think my talents would be better spent full time at the company. Luis Yeah, we need someone to lick out the toilet bowls. Evan I got to warn you Luis, I'm going to be very hands-on and you're not going to like all of my changes. Luis Oh, is that a fact? Evan Yeah. We can see where the business has got to with your involvement. Shit, Tony's living hand to mouth. Luis More like hand to nose. Evan It's time for a change and that change is me, honey. I could get used to you driving me around. I might have to do it more often. Luis Yeah, that ain't happening, bro. You musta had Tony under the influence of some serious shit when he said he'd take you on, because it ain't happening. The guy's been in business since '87, and you don't get where he is by signing shit over to a piece of pumped up ass. Evan Fuck you, Luis. You're just jealous! Luis I ain't jealous. I feel bad for you. If you weren't so damn creepy, I'd feel pity. I just see you guys come and then disappear and the world keeps turning and the clubs keep running. Evan You're fucking jealous, Luis. Pent up because you are not getting your hnads on my man. Luis Sure, Evan, that's what it is. Evan Here's where Tony said to meet him. Cook Hey uh... What's going on?... uh... Right. Which one of you is Mr. Tony? Tony That would be me. Alright, you got what we're looking for? Cook You got the money? Tony Sure. Right here. Cook Then... then I'll get the ice. Hold on. [runs off] Tony How you feel about this, bro? Evan I think I need another fucking line, okay? It serves me right for leaving the party with you losers. Luis Shut up, you idiot. Tony, we cool? Tony Let's just get this over with. My head is killing me, my life has been reduced to this bullshit. So, no, Luis. We're a long way from cool. But for right now, let's just see what the chef has to say for himself. Evan Yeah, that's what I think. I agree. Completely. Luis [translated] Shut up, please. Cook [returns holding out the diamonds] Yeah... yeah alright. This is them. Tony These are great, they're great. But uh... Two million? You had your head in the oven? Cook Mr. Tony, I have what I tell you. Perfect clarity. Beautiful clarity, well cut and a shit load of carats. What did you expect? Evan Tony, they're gorgeous. Tony Just like you. Luis Come on, can we do the hand over please and get out of here? This is too much. Evan Ignore him, he's probably been up all night with some bimbo. Luis Tony! Tony You're a chef? Cook Well, cook, yeah. Tony We have a line in some kitchen supplies, how about I throw that into the equation? What's the price? Luis Look, this the money we agreed upon, less ten percent. Just give us the ice. Cook Alright, alright! Evan Hey, Tony, can I hold them? [takes them] Thank you. Cook [receives money from Luis] Thanks. Luis [spots bikers sneaking up] Oh shit, Tony, we outta here! [Tony and Luis run back to the limo. Evan splits right with the diamonds. The bikers begin firing.] Luis Come on, let's go. Evan, get them to the club! And don't fuck about, okay? Luis We lost them, T. I'll take you home. Tony What happened to Evan? Luis He went the other way with those diamonds. Probably on the next plane to Los Santos, if you ask me. Tony He's not answering his phone, I'll check his Bleeter. Luis He's not going to update some social networking site when a couple dozen irate bikers are trying to kill him, bro. No one is that vain, not even him. Tony TanMan89 bleeted less than ten minutes ago. Luis I can't believe it, man. What's it say? Tony "Cornered by bikerz. Eugh. Eugh. Eugh. 2 young 2 die." They fucking got him! Luis Jesus. Poor bastard. Tony I know. Fuck. Poor Evan, he was a rotten human being. That's why I liked him so much. Luis That fuck got himself killed, and our diamonds stolen I might add, because he needed to tell the internet about his problems. Ayo. I can speak ill of him as much as I fucking want. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Tony Alright. It was a weird move, I'll give you that, but he's dead. Killed by social networking. He may have cheated on me, and stolen from me, and put his plastic surgery on the business credit card, but I liked the guy and I'm kind of sad. Okay? Luis Well, I didn't like him. He's dead and he's still pissing me off. We just lost two million on those diamonds. Tony Calm down, Luis. You'd think your boyfriend had just been killed. Luis They gone, bro. I'll get you home. Tony Evan's not answering his phone. He's dead. I know it. Luis That or he's run off with the ice, bro. Either way I don't think we seeing him or them diamonds again. Tony Don't be so callous. I think they killed him. Luis We got away. Evan might have too. Tony I just checked his Bleeter. They got him. Luis He updated a social networking site!? The fuck is wrong with him? What it say? Tony "Cornered by bikerz. Eugh. Eugh. Eugh. 2" - the number not the word - "young 2 die. xx oo" Luis Maybe he'd be okay if he'd been trying to get the fuck out of there rather than typing on his Bittersweet. Dumb vain motherfucker! Tony He may have been a coke addict trying to squeeze every last penny I have out of me, but I kind of liked him. Luis No you didn't, bro. You kept him around because you were bored and needy. That conceited fuck was too dumb to keep his head back there and we lost the diamonds because of it. Tony Heartless, Lou. Luis Not heartless. Just right. Luis You really think Evan's dead? Tony I'm sure of it. He bleeted, didn't he? Luis I'm sorry, bro. Tony Those diamonds are gone too, Lou. We're really in the shit now. We've got no more cards to play. What the fuck is going to go wrong next? Luis Stay cool and don't get too fucked up on those pills, or that charlie, or any fucking new shit. Hey, Evan ripped you off and he didn't get away with it, look at it like that. I'll come see you soon. Tony Sure. Whatever. So long, stranger. Tony Have you heard the news? Evan's definitely dead. Luis Okay. We expected this, Tone. Don't freak out. He was an asshole. My guess is he was intending to steal them diamonds when the bikers got him. Tony Okay, Evan was a conceited dick, a low life, a whore, a drug peddler and a thief. He treated me like dirt. That's the kind of guy I like. Luis You should start going back to the shrink, bro. Tony Screw you. Anyway, that doesn't solve the diamond issue. Rocco's saying we owe him his share of the profits on top of everything else. Luis This ain't good, man, but we'll find a way out of it. You been in worse scrapes before. I'm counting on you for leadership. Tony You believed those stories? Wow. I never took you for an idiot. I just pretended to know what I was doing. I'm a schmuck who got lucky. Shit, we really are screwed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOULEVARD BABY (#tp07) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dessie [letting people inside] That's what I told 'em. Hey, I'm all good baby. How you doing, I.D.? Luis Hey, Dessie. Dessie Hey, what's up, man? [handshake] Luis What's up, man? Tony in? Dessie Uh, yeah, he got here a while ago. [to girl] Enjoy your night. Luis [to girl] Please, after you. Wow! [heads inside] Dessie [to Roman, as he walks up] I.D. Roman Okay, good evening my friend, how are you? [holding up I.D.] See it's me? Yes, you okay? So I am good? I'm good. yes, okay. [walks in] Ladies, hide your titties! [Luis meets a girl at the bar, sexes her up in the bathroom, then heads to the office.] Tony You're late. Luis Sorry man, something came up. Tony No doubt. Luis What's going on? Tony I'm trying to find a way out of this shit. I've got a plan to keep that pair of chumps Rocco and Vince happy. Come on, I'll explain as we go. [They exit the office.] Tony Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a quick hello, quick hello. [he stops by some Russians in a booth] Gentlemen, my name's Tony Prince, I hope you're enjoying yourselves. Bulgar Ray Bulgarin. Tell me, where are the women? Tony Well, they're everywhere. That one over there is a TV starlet. That one there is a model. That one there I don't know, but I believe she just signed on with the Derriere campaign. Bulgar How much? To fuck I mean. Tony No, no, no. They're not hookers. It's not that kind of club. Bulgar Everywhere is that kind of club, you just need know how much to pay. Tony Yeah, well... listen, can I buy you gentlemen a drink? Cindy, Cindy, come here! Take care of Mr. Bulgarin here. It's good to meet you. Please, come back. Enjoy your night. My right hand man, Luis, will take care of you. Goodnight. [walks away] Bulgar Thank you. Cindy So, gentlemen, more drinks? Bulgar Yes, please. Let's go. Luis So, how's it going gentlemen? Bulgar The faggot is your boss? Luis Sure. Bulgar Must make for funny times at bonus time... Luis Hysterical. Hysterical. Bulgar Where does the coke come from in this place? Luis I don't know about that shit, man, I just make sure people don't get killed. Bulgar How very boring. I prefer it when they do. Luis You should come back on a busier night then, normally it's wall-to-wall corpses by midnight. Bulgar You, I like... the faggot, not so much. Tony [walks back over] Gentlemen, thank you. Luis, we've got to go. Luis Gentlemen. [They exit the club.] Tony Jesus. Russian, richer than the church. Buy this place, end all our troubles. Luis Yes, nothing like Russian gangsters to bring a sense of peace and stability to a problem. Tony Oh Jesus, what did I do wrong? Take us to Bahama Mamas. Tony Now, Mamas is more Rocco's style than our place. Luis Tell me he's gonna start hanging out with all that Bridge and Tunnel crowd rather than us. Tony Don't we wish. No, sadly, he just wants you to talk to a lady in there. Luis Yo, T, I ain't hurting no lady for Rocco. Tony They just want you to hit on her. She's an old friend of yours, Monique from the Derrierre store in Suffolk. Luis Monique? Shit, after that thing with her roommate, I don't think that's gonna fly. What they want me hitting on girls for? Tony They want to get at her boyfriend. He owns the place, but he's in Venturas now. Luis So I'm some fucking gigolo now? Perfect. Tony I never seen you complain about chasing women before. Luis Well, I never been forced to chase them before. Luis What we being sent to Bahamas for? I thought Rock would be right at home there. Tony He would be! Taking E and comparing biceps with all the other guido pricks is definitely his scene. I don't know why he wants to hang out with us. Anyway, we're going because he wants you to chase some skirt. Luis Women? Yo, T, I'm tired, bro. Tony Well, wake up! What? You need some Mollis? Luis Bro, gimme a fucking break, okay? It gonna turn a pussyhound from the D.R. into some kind of monster. Tony Then stop complaining before I spike you with one and unleash you in there. Luis Alright. Alright. What they want? Tony There's a girl you know called Monique, works at the Derriere store. Anyway, her boyfriend pissed Rocco off so he wants you to hang with her. Luis That kid got nothing better to do? He must think he's still in high school. Tony Well, the guy's in Venturas so that's one thing you don't have to worry about. Luis Sure. Tony Do what you do best, partner. Luis You ain't coming? Tony You think having a past-it old queen on your arm is some kind of aphrodisiac? Just try and forget it's a job. Luis The day has finally come, T. You've become my pimp. And I've finally lost my self-respect. Later, bro. Monique What you doing here, Luis? Maisonette close down? Luis Let me see you move, baby. I can't hear shit in this place. Monique Come on. Luis I'm coming, baby. Monique Oh, excuse me. Don't let anybody in, Maurice. And you better not say a fuckin' word to Vic. Maurice Alright, babe. Luis Wish me luck, papi. [They go into the back.] Luis Oh baby, take it easy on me, okay? I had a long day. Monique I'm going to make you forget all about that... Luis Mm, I bet you will. [Back in front, Vic shows up.] Maurice Vic, yo, shit. I think Serge wanted to see you outside. Vic Serge's got the night off. Come on. Maurice Wa-wait... hold on a minute. I mean, you know... Vic Get the fuck out of my way. Move! Maurice Hey, Vic. [Vic walks in on Monique giving Luis a blowjob.] Luis Aye si. Right there, chuppa, aye mio... Vic Who the fuck are you? Monique Vic! You were supposed to be in Venturas! Vic You whore. I paid for those fucking lips and this is how you repay me? Monique Hold on. I can explain. Vic Puta! [Vic chokes her, punches her, throws her to the ground, then spits on her.] Luis Yo. That's not cool, bro. Vic You put your cock in my woman's mouth and you think it's cool? Asshole. Luis Hey... Tony Luis. Luis You got Rocco there with you, T? Is he there? Tony What's gotten into you? Why you so moody, Luis? You should talk to someone. Luis I get moody after I'm nearly killed, Tony. And that's happening a lot right now. Fuck! Monique's boyfriend wasn't in Venturas. The whole fucking club got shot to shit! Tony Okay, I see why you're upset. Get some rest and we'll talk soon. You're keeping us afloat here, Luis. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEXY TIME (#ya1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Luis Hello? Yusuf Homie! What's happening, man? Luis Who's this? Yusuf This is Yusuf Amir, man. Luis Who? Yusuf The guy who wants to talk about franchising your clubs. Luis Hey, those conversations are usually Tony's department. Yusuf Mr. Tony gave me your number, there are some other matters I need to discuss before we get down to the real shit. Luis Hey, if Tony gave you my number, then it's okay bro. Yusuf Great! Come hang out at my apartment. It's right on Middle Park, prime location, one of the most exclusive in the city. Top dollar shit. You'll love it! Luis Alright. I'll be by sometime. Just don't wait up. Luis Hello? Hello? Hello? Yusuf Hey man, hey nigga, wassup? Wassup? So glad you could make it, man. Seriously. Fucking A. Y'know for real, man. Luis You okay, bro? Yusuf No. I'm fine, man. I've got a couple of bitches upstairs. Hot ones. Not cheap. Luis Nice. Yusuf Hey man, do you want to join in. Luis No, I'm cool, man. I'm cool. Yusuf Yeah, of course. Though, to be honest anyway, after I've finished with them, they'll be out of commission anyway. I'll bang them to pieces. After I've finished with them, they'll look like they've been dragged through the fucking desert. Luis Oh, wow. Good for you, man. Good for you. Listen, so uh- what did you want? Yusuf You see this city? [indicating a model of Algonquin] I own it. Everything. Seriously. Luis Really? Yusuf No. But one day. I'm building sixty skyscrapers, man; condos, penthouses, luxury apartments. Serious shit. But I tell you... Oh, man. Oh, I love this song. Do you know this song? [turns up the radio and dances] Oh yeah. Arab money! Hey, you don't dance? Luis Not with dudes, bro. Yusuf You see this city? I run it. I run everything. I'll show everyone. I mean, look at this shit here. This is a gold phone. Solid. [tosses it to Luis] Beat that, daddy-o. Luis Wow, great man. That's great. [sets it down] Yusuf I'm the real deal, nigga. I'm the real thing. Luis Sure, bro. Sure. Yusuf So what do you say? You going to help me out? Tony says you can handle yourself. Luis Maybe man, what do you need? Yusuf I need to shut my fucking father up. Luis Whoa, I ain't gonna kill your father, bro. Yusuf No, I know you're not. I need you to get a helicopter for him. You know? And I've found it. It's a military-issue. Beautfiul machine. Sexy. The company that built it, they have a display model on their boat. And that will shut him up. You know, show him I've got good connections, you know. Pay him the respect he deserves. Luis Is that porn playing up there, bro? Yusuf No, man, that's real women. Trust me. And I ain't paying shit. Luis Okay, so you want me to get you a helicopter, and that will make your dad happy? You better be the real deal, man. Yusuf You know, I tell Tony that we work together, I'm going to make you both very rich men. We'll open nightclubs all around the world. China. Pakistan. Tim-buk-fucking-tu. Anywhere you want. [hands over a thick wad of cash] You know what this means? You and I, we are brothers, we are partners. Luis Okay. Yusuf Give me a call when you get there. Now, I've got to attend to some business. [shouting] Ladies, prepare to suffer! Luis Hey, I got it. Yusuf Alright, homie, now the guys you took it from are some inappropriate individuals. These are some terror cell, war criminal enabling motherfuckers, motherfucker! The real deal. Take out the boat with all the guys on board. Luis Bro, you sure? Yusuf It's the right thing to do, my brother. Fuckin' go for it! Luis Hey, those guys ain't around no more, Yusuf. I'm gonna trust you that they was bad news. Yusuf Of course you trust me, man. We're brothers now. Blood brothers. They were the baddest cats out there. Shit fucking cats. Just bring the 'copter to my helipad. My best boy Ahmed is waiting for you there. Luis Okay. Yusuf Cheer up, brethren. Don't think about it. Think of the palaces we'll build together, the zoos we'll build. Endangered species you thought didn't exist no more. Sabre-toothed dodos and shit. Women in gold cages. You name it. There's everything to be happy about. Dreams, amigo. Dreams. Luis I got to go, bro. You keep on dreaming. Yusuf Okay. Fly safe. Ahmed You must be Luis! Dude, crazy ride you got here. Luis Tell me about it, bro. You're Ahmed, right? Yusuf's boy. Ahmed That crazy motherfucker! Some serious military-grade shit. He could have had all the gold in the world, but he's obsessed with what they won't sell him. Luis Hey Tone, what's happening, boss? Tony You been hanging out with people behind my back? Luis I been trying to make us some money, yeah. Tony You have anything to do with a little boating accident that went down and is all over the news? Luis Me? I don't even like swimming. Tony Good. Because the people on that boat were good people. Freedom fighters trying to stop people smuggling in Asia. Luis Really? I heard they was... shit... I heard... Tony No, I'm shitting with you. They were arms smugglers, hitched to some of the worst governments in West Africa. But I had you. I fucked had you. You fucking idiot, Luis. Don't turn into a freedom fighter. We don't have the luxury of that right now, and stop going solo on me. Not now. Luis I wasn't involved, T. Tony Of course not. Luis But if I had been, it would have been for us, for the business. Tony Sure. You be careful, Luis. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HIGH DIVE (#ya2) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yusuf [to phone] You tell him I don't care. A bi- a billion dollars is chump change. What does a billion buy anyway today? It doesn't even buy a million dollars... No, you tell him that. You tell him Yusuf Amir is speaking... That name does mean something in this town! One second. Hello? Excuse me. [pressing buttons] Hello? Hello, who is this? Poppa! How are you?... Yes, Poppa, yes, a present. It's a gift... No. No, you didn't pay for it. I did. Well, I didn't pay for it, so you didn't... Poppa, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's complicated. I miss you, Poppa. I do. Yes, I'm close to closing the deal. The biggest tower. You're going to be so proud of me... Well, ten million dollars is maybe a little bit too much to spend in a month, but it was necessary... No, Poppa, no, that's not fair. No, no, no. Poppa, they're not prostitutes! They're loose women!... Poppa, Poppa, hello Poppa? [to Luis] Ha ha! Hey, it's you my friend, how you doing? How you doing? Luis What's up, papa? Trouble with your old man? Yusuf No. With my father. Luis Okay... yeah. Family can be tough, man. Yusuf He's a very conservative man. He does not understand what I'm doing here. He thinks my life is one long party - a reckless orgy of sex, drugs, and spending. Luis Really? Yusuf [playing around on the Total Outrage II arcade game] He is deluded. I work my fingers to the bone. To the bone! You know, last week I got exhausted test driving sexy cars. I had to fly to Vice City and bang bitches for two weeks just to recover. I'm a workaholic, man. A workaholic, homie. Luis Yeah, evidently. Yusuf And now, I have to meet Ahmed and his brother to take a business meeting. I mean, I love those guys; they're like family, but, oh God, it's going to exhaust me. Luis How is that? Yusuf These guys, they're always going on about how rich they are, "look the money here, the money there". You know what they are, Luis? I'll level with you, they're very, what's the word? Tacky! No taste! I mean, I love those guys, but seriously, come on... Luis Okay, well, I guess I'll see you later, then. Yusuf No, no, no, no. Hey, you're coming with me, baby. You need to hang around. Act like we're friends. Shit, we are friends, baby! Make out that we've got shit going down. Going down, my nigga! Anyway, let's go. Let's bounce, baby. When I say bounce, I don't mean bouncing literally, I just mean... Luis I know what it means, Yusuf. Yusuf It's a term from the street meaning you have to walk. But if you don't get that it's a bit like, roll with me. You have to roll, but not like a fat man rolling, but just walk. Luis Can we just go? Yusuf Head over to Rotterdam Tower, me bredren. Yusuf I have a special gift, Luis. An auto shotgun with explosive shells! Luis Here's hoping I don't need to use this shit. Yusuf I'll just hit Ahmed up on my burner, man. Make sure shit is going down. [to phone] Yo. A-rab. What's up? Tell these bitches at Rotterdam their's ain't gonna be the tallest tower for long. Yusuf's in town, baby. And your shit 'bout to be inadequate... Yeah, shit, I'm coming, man. Chill the f out... What you so het up about? Poppa ain't in town, is he?... Oh! Thank goodness. If it's not Poppa, I can't think why you are so agitated... Calm down, will you? I'll see you in a moment. Yusuf No one will fuck with you. I'm giving you this special auto shotgun with explosive shells! Luis If this don't come in handy now, it might later. Thanks, bro. Yusuf Excuse me a moment, please. I have to call Ahmed. Make sure it's all cool and safe and that. [to phone] Arab nigga! Wassup? What you looking at, bitch? You're looking at a city about to belong to us, motherfucker... We gonna buy that piece-of-shit dirt-hole Middle Park and turn it into a champagne swimming pool! For real, biatch!... Ahmed, what's up, man? Why the stress? You sound perturbed! I haven't heard this voice since they shot that poor polo pony of yours at school... Okay, man, if you say you're cool, you're cool. We'll be there in a moment. Yusuf I don't have a good feeling about this. Ahmed is not himself. Very fucking weird. Do you mind going up to the observation deck and checking it out? Luis Okay, bro. I'll head on up there for you. Yusuf I appreciate this, Luis. Hit me up when you're sure shit with them boys is cool. So long. Ahmed Luis. My man. Where's Yusuf? Luis What's going on, bro? Ahmed What you mean, "what's going on?" Chill, homeboy. Look at the real estate. Enjoy. Tahir Where the fuck is Yusuf? You said he'd be here. Ahmed What's wrong with you, man? Luis Yo, what's going on? Tahir He knows, he fucking knows. We're in the shit. Luis What do I know? Ahmed I-I-I told you to chill, man. Shit. Shit, shit! [Luis takes Tahir by the throat, threatening to throw him over the edge of the tower. Ahmed runs off.] Luis Tell me what I just walked into. Tahir Please, whatever you do, I'm sorry. Luis Fuck you! [Luis pushes him over the edge.] Tahir No! Luis Asshole! Ahmed Look, here, I have a parachute. Take it. We were hoping to get Yusuf on wiretap. They don't know shit about you. Believe me! [Luis puts on the parachute, then shoves him off too.] Luis Snitching motherfucker. I didn't do nothing to you. Yusuf Luis, bro, I heard the news. What went down? Luis Tahir went down. And Ahmed soon after him. Yusuf Oh, whatever do you mean? Luis Dude took a dive down to sea level, bro. Motherfuckers set you up with the NOOSE so they could take your business. Yusuf I cannot believe it. They were brothers to me. I would have brought them anything they wanted. Luis Sometimes, bro, money ain't enough. Yusuf I have a deep sadness in me, Luis. Will you join me, please - for an orgy of champagne, cocaine, women, watermelons, and whatever else this city may have to offer. We must forget them. Luis Shit, you're gonna have to do your forgetting by yourself, man. I got a lot of other business to deal with. I'll see you round, man. Okay? Yo, L. I got hold of some parachutes. You need some of them or any other hardware. Call me and I'll come by in the van. Later. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...BLOG THIS! (#tp08) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Luis T, bro, what's happening? Tony I've organized that face-to-face with our good friend the Celebinator. Luis Oh shit. We gonna show him a good time? Tony Yeah. I thought we could persuade him that we're not such bad guys after all. He's meeting us at the Heliport on the West River - we're taking him out on a tour of the city. Luis I wouldn't miss this. See you there, T. Tony Get in, Lou. Don't worry, I didn't forget about the vertigo, I got you a chute. Luis I don't know what you talking about, but thanks. Tony I thought we'd start over the Statue of Happiness. Take us up. Tony Luis, meet our new friend, the Celebinator. Celeb Pleased to make your acquaintance. Luis Yo. Do you got, like, a real name? Or do I got to call you the whatsit? Celeb This is a guise I wear in public. I'd prefer it if you'd call me the Celebinator. Luis Okay. Celeb It's a lovely helicopter you've got here, Tony. Tony I'd love to say this was mine, but I'm just borrowing it off a rich friend of mine, Mr. Yusuf Amir. He let us use it because it's such a special occasion. Celeb This is a very grown-up gesture of yours. I thought it'd be just tit for tat from here on in. Luis What you mean "tit for tat"? You just started insulting us on your website. We ain't done shit to you. Celeb I'm not naive, Luis. The Derriere launch? Maisonette's fifth birthday? You left me off the list, it was a deliberate snub. Luis What are you talking about? We'd never even met you. Celeb I was on the scene, Luis. Fuck it. I am the scene. Me! Moi! Leave me off them lists, it was a declaration of war. So I fucking brought it. Luis You one deluded motherfucker, man. Having a website don't make you the scene. Tony Not now, Lou. We're trying to charm him. Celeb So, it's time you asked, what's it going to take to get me off your backs. Tony Excellent. Blackmail is a language I know only too well. Celeb Your problem's that you think you're operating in a vacuum. The blogs are just as important a part of the ecosphere as the clubs. I write a blueprint that you should follow. The Celebinator creates taste. Tony Does he, now? I'd never thought of it that way. Celeb The stars, the designers, the club owners. I make your jobs easier by telling you what to do. Tony It's a thankless task! Tony Luis, have you met our charming new friend, the Celebinator? Celeb Aye, we've met alright. Luis Really, bro. 'Cause I don't remember it. Celeb Oh, you remember alright. Last year's Maisonette summer party? I had to steal a ticket, and then you fuckin' blanked me. Luis Hey, I was real busy that night. Celeb Yeah, you were busy alright. Sinking your fuckin' business is what you were doin'. Who's laughing now, you stuck up fucking twat. Luis Yo dude, this all in your head, man. The internet ain't real. Celeb Where's the fucking bubbly, then? You can't tell me I'm on a helicopter tour and there's no fucking champagne. You better have shelled out for some real vintage, Tony, or it's another black mark in the Celebinator's naughty book. Tony How many black marks I got in there already? Celeb You got quite a few. Now where's the champagne? Luis It's in the ice box. We'll get it out when we see some more of the city. Celeb Boring! I knew you sad old washed-up cunts had forgotten how to party. I've got ADD! I'm modern! That's why you need me. Look, I got a proposition for ya. Tony That's exactly what we looking for. A man of your fine knowledge and exquisite taste, we'd be honored to work with you. Celeb Twenty thousand people read my blog. I'm reaching the world. Of course you want to take some of what the Celebinator's got, and bottle it, and put it on the fuckin' shelves and sell it, who wouldn't? Luis Does that mean we got to liquidize him first so he fits in them bottles? Tony Luis is just joking. He didn't mean anything by that. Celeb I should hope not. Big dumb greasy lug, isn't he? Tony Show our friend the sights, L. I'll take the controls. Celeb You really don't have to show me anything. I've blogged every inch of this town. Luis You know what, I don't think you ever seen Liberty City like this. Cleeb What's he doing, Tony? Help! Tony Luis, how'd you boys get on after you left me? Luis Okay, T. He's an annoying little fuck, but I think we saw eye-to-eye by the end of it. He ain't gonna be giving us no smack talk no more. Tony That's excellent news. We should schmooze these "citizen journalists" more often. Luis It would be my pleasure. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NOT SO FAST (#tp09) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Troy Yo, hey man. Luis Hey man, Tony inside? Troy Ah yeah, but can I speak to you for a minute? Luis No, not really. Troy Nah, it'll just take a minute, man. I really need you to speak to Tony. Luis I did and you can't move to Maisonette. Troy No, no, no, no, man, not that. Not that. Guess what? I'm going to be famous. Seriously. Luis So? Troy So? So? Are you insane, man? What else matters? The production company here, man... belongs to one of the guys. They're going to make a show about me. Me! I mean, they were making one about this Puerto Rican guy in Bohan, but he disappeared. Now, they're gonna make a show about me! Luis Bro, you spend every night standing here in the exact same spot. Troy It's very stressful, man. But it's got it all. Think about it. Drama, action, sex, love, it's got everything... they're all going to shoot it through the eyes of - of a tough guy with a heart. Man Excuse me, can I get through? Hey man, can I get through here? Luis I'm sure, and it sounds all like fantastic entertainment. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back down to earth. Man Okay, if you could excuse me also! Troy Hey hey hey. Did I say next? Man Yeah, you said I was next, man. Troy Hey listen, man, get back in line. Man You said I was next. Troy Yeah, you know what? We're full. Man Fuck you, you said I was... [Luis walks inside.] Luis What's up, T? Tony Oh, we're getting rich here - look at this place - so many rich, happy queens spending their hard-earned money, huh? Man, what went wrong? In my day, gay guys used to be lonely, needy, and lost. Now they're all in relationships, learning how to cook. Man, therapy has got a lot to answer for, huh? Where's all the self-loathing gone, huh? Luis So, who do you want me to kill, boss? Tony Oh, ha! A lot of people. A lot of people. And where the fuck is Gracie? Huh? She's supposed to meet me here... fuck her, man... fuck, oh shit. We've got to go make ourselves rich, because, after all, the nightclub trade is not what it used to be. Luis What's going down? Tony Those diamonds, I heard they're being sold soon. At the Libertonian, of all places. I thought we could go down there, put in a low ball bid and take them for ourselves, huh? Luis Nice, let's go. Tony Exactly! Okay. [trips over himself] Luis Yeah, maybe uh - maybe I should handle this one on my own, T. Okay. You just sit tight, wait for Gracie, and um, I'll give you a shout when I get back. Tony I'm not on drugs, man. Luis I know. I know. Tony I'm not on drugs. Yusuf My favorite dude. Luis, what's up? Luis Yusuf, bro, I can't chat right now. You mind if I borrow your chopper? Yusuf Which one, man? I got a fleet. Luis The special one. The one with all that military shit. Yusuf The Buzzard? Of course, bro. It's practically yours anyway. You'll love what I've done with her. She's over at my pad on the West River. Luis Thanks, bro. Isaac You know how things are. Niko No problem. Johnny Let's do this. Isaac Okay, let's see the stuff, gentlemen. Mori, come over here. Johnny Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Since we're having a little show and tell, let's see some money. Isaac Of course, no problem. [Isaac sets down and opens a suitcase.] Isaac There it is. Beautiful, huh? Unmarked bills! No history, no need to launder. Johnny Good. Niko - show him the stuff. [Niko holds out the diamonds.] Isaac Get in there Mori. [Mori steps forward to inspect them.] Mori Isaac, look at them. Isaac Gorgeous, huh? Like condensed money. Mori Isaac, these are great. [Luis appears at the window, guns down Mori.] Luis Rest of you motherfuckers wanna die, do something stupid okay! Mofo Fuck you! [aims shotgun up] [Luis shoots the mofo and everyone scatters.] Johnny Just get the shit man. Come on! [Luis climbs down into the museum and follows Isaac into a back room.] Isaac Wait, wait, wait, wait listen... If you get me out of here, I promise I'll split this with you. Luis Can you do me a favor and not take this too personally? Isaac What? Luis [knocks him out] They was stolen from us first, bro. Tony Luis. How'd it go? Luis Pretty good, bro. Meet me at the helipad on the West River. I'll be there soon. Tony Alright. I'll try and sober up. Luis Yeah, great. Try and do that for me. Tony Hey, Lou, you're riding in style. Luis Yeah, man, I learnt the ancient art of understatement from you. Here are those rocks. Try to hold onto them this time. Tony Thanks. They'll go straight in the safe. Luis Yeah, sure. Right next to the emergency eight ball. I'll see you soon, T. Yusuf Luis! Luis Hey bro. Thanks for lending me the Buzzard. Love what you done with the paintwork. Real subtle. Stealth attack shit. Yusuf That's what I do, motherfucker. Sneak up on them bitches. Hide in the fucking sand, then pow! I'm a cobra. I'm a cobra in the sky, flying with my cobra wings. I'm the executive flying cobra. When I stick my tongue in you, you know you've been poisoned. Errr, I'm glad I could be of assistance, anyway. Luis Well, exactly. Thanks. I appreciate it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LADIES' NIGHT (#tp10) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Luis Yo, T. Tony Where have you been? Luis I got here as soon as I could, bro. Tony Oh man, Luis, Gracie. Luis, Gracie! Luis What about Gracie? Tony They got Gracie. She's gone. Evan's dead, now Gracie. Luis Fuck Evan. Who's got Gracie? Tony I - I don't know! Luis What are you talking about, bro? Where is she? Tony Some guys at war with her father, I guess. I don't know. Luis Hey, Gracie's pretty tough. Tony She's a princess! Luis She's a tough princess. Tony If they fucking hurt her... Luis Yeah, they'll have you, me, and that mob family to deal with. Tony You never liked her. You never did. You never like anyone. Luis That's not true. I like her. Tony No, you didn't. Luis She's my favorite coke whore. Tony Aw, and what makes you so good, huh? If it wasn't for me, you'd be selling dime bags on a street corner. I made you. Luis Yeah, and she and Evan made you into a junkie. Okay? I mean, she's not a bad person, okay? She's not a murdering greedy psychopath, like me. She's all heart... you know, if you get past the accent. Okay, but she made you into a useless old queen, too whacked out on blow and pills to know his business was going to shit. Tony Aw, here we go, huh, here we fucking go, huh? Oh, I see it in your eyes. You're embarassed of me. You see me and think 'Oh, this is it,' this is the moment to put me down, this is the moment when the apprentice takes over. Oh man, you think I'm done. You're not so fucking tough, Luis. Luis And you're not so smart, you dumb junkie fuck! Tony Oh yeah? Fuck you, Luis! [He picks up a gun and aims it at Luis.] Luis Come on Tony, chill out. Tony You're right. You're right. You're not the one with the problem. I am. [He aims it at his own head.] Luis T- Tony, what the - what the fuck are you doing? Tony No. I'm holding you back. I see that now. I see that now. You're the closest thing I've had to a son. I'm sorry, Luis. I love you. Goodbye. Luis Tony. Come on, man. Tony Goodbye. I love you. [He pulls it away.] Tony Shit! Shit! Luis Fuck! [Luis knocks him to the floor and throws the gun down.] Luis What the fuck is wrong with you, you dumb prick? Get up! Get up, so I can kill you myself. Get up. Tony Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just - I just couldn't take it anymore. Luis Come on, get up. Get up you old bastard. Huh? Come on, let's go find Gracie. Okay? Tony Okay. Luis Jesus Christ. Tony Oh, shit Luis. Luis Jesus Christ. Tony The Ancelottis said I should use their chopper. It's at the heliport on top of the entrance of the Booth Tunnel. Luis What we gonna do with a chopper? Tony What do you think we're doing on this outing? We're looking for Gracie. Luis You got any ideas where we might start doing that? It's a big city, Tone. Tony I may be semi-suicidal, but I'm not completely stupid, Luis. Luis You ain't even semi-suicidal, T. You're just overly-dramatic. I wouldn't be surprised if that gun was just a movie prop. Tony We've been in enough shit recently for me to carry something a little bit more dangerous than a prop gun. Luis You'd think you'd know enough with all the shit we been in to take the safety off a gun before you use it. Tony Fair point. I'll get a post-it note for the next time. "Disengage before suicide attempt." Luis "Self-indulgent cry for help", you mean. Tony Okay. I need your help, Luis. You're all I've got left. You happy now? I said it. Well done. You win, jackass. Luis Okay, bro. Where we looking for this girl then? Tony There's some lowlifes in Dukes who might be involved. Losers even by current mob standards, which is saying something. Luis You from Dukes, ain't you? Tony I try to forget about that. Luis Okay. So we head over there and do what? Land on the roof and ask them where they got Gracie? Tony We just got to follow them. See if they take us anywhere interesting. Luis Okay, bro. Let's hope for the best. Tony Who knows what they could have done to that girl? She could be dead at the bottom of the West River now. Luis Or she could be driving some son of a bitch kidnapper crazy. I wouldn't wish that nasal whining voice on the worst guy out there. Gracie's got my backing over some chump hood from Dukes. Tony You're right. That could be the smart bet. Her old man said something interesting to me, by the way. Luis Oh yeah, what did he say? Tony He's blaming us for this whole thing. Either we get her back or we're dead. Luis That's definitely interesting. How the fuck did he get that in his head? I barely know the girl. Tony It's the diamonds, Lou. Rocco's had a word with him. Luis Motherfucking guido hejo cabrone. Tony Shit. I just got forwarded a photo of Gracie from the kidnappers. The girl does not look good. Luis Hey, who knows. Bound and gagged might be the look for guido sluts next season. Anyways, look on the bright side, at least she's alive. Luis What's this chopper for? Tony There are some punks in Dukes that might have a link to this thing. We're going to follow them and see if they lead us to our girl. Luis Okay. It's a shot in the dark, but it might work. Tony Let's hope so. Luis You calmed down now, T? Tony Of course I'm calm. I'm really calm. Why wouldn't I be calm? Luis I don't know, you did just point a gun at me. You nearly just shot yourself. Tony That? Oh yeah. I'm cool. Mellow. Luis Good. Because we're going to need to really hold shit together for a while if we want to survive this shit. Tony What do you mean? If we're going to get Gracie back? Luis I wasn't talking about that. I mean, I really want to get Gracie back, but at the end of the day that ain't our main problem. Tony What? We've got to get her back, alright. Luis All I'm saying is there are bigger problems we got to deal with. If Gracie came back tomorrow, we'd still be looking down the gun. We got debts, who knows how many people want us dead. At some point we're gonna have to start getting selfish... Tony Who cares about us? Gracie's safety has got to be our priority; she's an innocent. Luis An innocent? Come on, T. Her dad's one of the biggest mobsters in the city. He runs a family, can't he handle this? Tony He's blaming us, Lou. Luis He's doing what!? Tony The diamonds. He says it's got something to do with the diamonds and Gracie hanging out with us. He's holding us responsible for the whole fucking mess. Luis What about that fucking greasy cabrone Rocco? He should be taking the shit for this. It ain't us, T. Tony They look after their own. Luis Fuuuuuuuuuck! Tony Shit. Rocco just forwarded me a photo of Gracie. They've gagged her! Luis I bet they have. Bro, I want to gag the bitch most times I see her. Joking, man. I was joking. Tony Here's the Ancelotti chopper. Let's not screw it up as well. Luis Come on. Hurry up, man. Tony Take us over to Cerveza Heights. Their house is over there. Luis So, this isn't about Gracie, it's about saving our own asses? Tony Yes. This is a purely selfish act. Are you happy now? Luis Yeah, strangely I am. Now that I've realized I'm being blackmailed into doing this, it's becoming a lot clearer. Tony Great. Luis How are we going to get out of this, Tone? Tony What? Luis All this shit piling down on top of us. How are we going to get out? Have we got a plan? Tony I don't know. We could play the lottery, start a little ponzi scheme, buy some cheap diamonds and try to sell them at a profit. Oh wait, we've tried that and it's not going so well. Luis Fair enough. Tony You could marry a billionaress. That might get us out of our problems. Luis Oh yeah, I've already been pimped off once, T, and I nearly got killed because of it. Tony I'm serious, Lou, most of the girls in this city have fallen in love with you at least once, how come you can't manage to find a rich one? Luis 'Cause I ain't like that. Tony I wish I had your principles, genius. At least you'll have a nice message on your gravestone. Mine will just say "Here lies unpopular fag." Luis What the fuck's gotten into you? Tony I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm stressed, alright? Luis Aren't we all? Luis So, T, hypothetically, what would happen if we did find Gracie? We going to storm in there and make these kidnappers pay? Tony God no. Are you crazy? Luis Me fucking crazy? That's a bit rich coming from you. Tony You're the one who wants to start some armed offensive on the kidnappers of a mob skipper's daughter. What's the first thing they're gonna do? You've seen the movies. They'll cap her. Luis Oh, they'll "cap" her, will they, Mr. Streetwise Dangerous Motherfucker? Ain't we being held responsible for this shit anyway? Tony Being tangentially blamed for an abduction I can just about handle. She comes back with ten fingers, ten toes, a smile on her face, and a curse on her lips, then we'll be fine. She gets a coup de grace after some half-cocked rescue attempt, and we're well and truly assfucked. And not in a good way - prison style! Not gang-bang with a boy band style. Luis Thank you for sharing that image with me. Tony My pleasure. Now, no hero shit, Lou. Promise me. This is just a reconnaissance mission. Luis Sir, yes, sir. Observe and report. Tony I think that's the place we're looking for. That red car is leaving, follow it. Tony Where's he going? Luis I don't know where he's going, you idiot. That's why we're following him. Tony Okay, alright. But which way do you think he's heading? Luis West. Tony I can see he's going west. Where west? Luis There's a lot of shit west of Dukes. Could be Algonquin. Could head all the way over to Alderney. He might not be going west at all, might be heading over to the East Borough Bridge so he can get himself up to Bohan. Fuck, might just be heading down the block for a slice of pie. Tony Shit. Okay. Okay. I take your point. If you see him stopping, let me know. Luis You'll see him stopping too, bro. You ain't going to sleep on me, are you? Tony You think I could go to sleep at a moment like this? Luis What? You ain't got your pills? Tony No, I don't actually. I didn't even take any anti-anxiety and you know how I feel about flying. Luis You'll throw a guy out a chopper but you won't go for a ride in one? You should have shared your anti-anxiety pills with the Celebinator. Tony No amount of pills would prepare you for that. Luis Don't fuck with the Tony Prince empire, baby. That's what's up! Tony Public relations at its finest. Luis If we could throw every fucking blogger out a chopper, bro. Keep them fools in line. Tony We could start an outsourcing company. We'd be rich overnight. Luis Strangely enough, that's exactly what we need to be. Tony Stop driving suspiciously, Lou. He'll get wise to us. Luis Get wise? What, are we in some gumshoe novel now? I'm driving as unsuspiciously as you can when your boss only forked out for a weekend helicopter course. If he's getting wise, it's because you're a tight ass. Tony You being anti-semitic now? Nice, next you'll call me a fag. Luis Oh yeah, play the minority card. Very clever. Unfortunately, I'm a minority too. So fuck you. Tony He's cutting back on himself. I thought he was heading west. Luis Well, now he's heading east. We won't lose him, man. We're cool. Tony Come on, you dumb Dukes fuck. Take us to her! Luis You yell loud enough he might just hear you. Tony Maybe if we concentrate hard enough we can will him to go there. Luis I thought you got over that spiritual shit when you stopped dating the yoga instructor. Tony There are things that stick with you forever. Luis Like the fact that he could get his ankles around his ears and eat a lot of mung beans. That image is gonna stick with me. Jesus. Where these guys from? Other than Dukes, I mean. Tony They're an Irish operation headed by this maniac called Gerald McReary. He's doing time at Alderney State. Luis Irish like those guys who robbed our bank? They could be the same ones that held me hostage. Tony Stranger things have happened. Luis What would they need a mob boss's daughter for when they got all the bank's money? Tony How the fuck do I know? I guess greed is a powerful motivator. Luis I got an idea. Tony Great. What is it? Luis We stop that fuck's car, we rig his balls to the battery. By the time he smells them cooking, we'll know exactly where Gracie's at. Tony This is a great bit of improvisiation, Lou. But I think we should just follow him Look. He's going through the Booth Tunnel. Luis I ain't going in there, T. Tony You think I want you to kill us? Go over and meet him where he comes out. Over by where we picked this chopper up. Luis Okay, boss. Tony I see him. He's crossed over to Alderney. He's coming outta the Booth right now. Luis You know how they got Gracie? Tony Something to do with that pink piece of shit car she had. They think the guy pretended he wanted to buy it. Luis She should have got suspicious the second anyone expressed interest in that thing. Actually, wait, I can see you driving a pink car, T. Tony Why? Because people call me Gay Tony? In that case, you'd probably think I've got massive sculptures of cocks in my apartment as well. Gay guys love that shit, you cliche-loving moron. Luis There was that one marble thing you bought. Tony That was art! Luis Yeah. Giant, veiney, penis-shaped art. At least you made a profit on it. Those were the days. Tony Where's he going? What's he doing in the parking lot? Luis What's he been doing driving anywhere? We give him a moment and call it in if it feels weird. Tony Okay. Okay. Why does everything feel weird to me? Luis Because you owe money to half the city and the other half wants you dead. Paranoia's advised in our situation. Tony That's him, isn't it? He better fucking take us back to Gracie now. Look! He's stopping. That must be where they're keeping Gracie. Luis It's somewhere, at least. Tony Which street is that? Luis I don't know Alderney well, bro, but I think the big one's Sacramento. Call it in. Tony I hope he's not paranoid. Luis He's just kidnapped a mob boss's daughter. He's got every reason to believe some of the most unpleasant cats on the Eastern Seaboard are about to knock down his door and rip out his tongue. If he ain't fucking paranoid then he's fucking stupid. Tony Then he's probably going to see us, isn't he? The first thing a paranoid man looks for is a chopper. Even after half a nostril full of blow I'm hearing rotor blades and squinting at the sky. Luis This is Liberty City, man. There must be twenty helicopters in this airspace at any given time. He ain't gonna think this chopper's got anything to do with him. Tony Don't doubt the imagination of a man on the brink. Luis Okay, bro. He might suspect we're chasing him. Let's hope he starts panicking and does something stupid. Tony Nothing as stupid as ordering a hit on poor little Gracie Ancelotti. Luis If he thinks he's paranoid now, it's nothing compared to the heat he'd feel if he ordered the death of a boss's girl. Tony The heat would be on us as well, Lou. Luis So let's hope he ain't as stupid as we've been led to believe. Tony What's he going back through the park for? He onto us? Luis He's just going for a drive, T. Tony He's going into the tunnel. We're fucked! Luis It's only got two exits, T. He should come right out over by where we picked up the chopper. Tony Or he could highjack some other car and we'll be sitting here waiting for him with our dicks in our hands. Luis Hey, my dick's in my pants, not my hand, T, and it's staying there. Let's just wait to see if he comes out. Tony Look! There he is. He's coming out of the tunnel on the Alderney side. He's going in the parking lot. What's going on? Luis I don't know. Shit. Tony She could be in the trunk of a car in there. Luis She could be in the trunk of the red piece of shit we're following. Tony They would have checked that. Let's see if he comes out. Look. He's there. Just lead us back to Gracie, you fucker! Tony Let's get this bird on the ground, Lou. Luis You gonna call him? Tony I'm texting. Luis Look at you, bro. Tony What? Luis Down with the kids. Tony You work in the business, Lou. You should know that club promoters are the first to master all new forms of communication. Luis Always find a new way of profiting. Tony If we pull this off, we'll profit - we'll get to keep our spinal cords. Luis Great. I like my spinal cord, bro. It would be fucking a shame to lose it. Tony Let's head back to the helipad. Okay. I've sent them the location. Luis So that's it. Tony What do you mean? Luis We did our bit. Ancelotti can't hold us responsible no more. Tony Sure. Yeah. Providing they find her and get her back safely. Then the only thing we've got to worry about with the Ancelotti's is the money we owe them and the fact that we got his baby girl kidnapped in the first place. Luis But we didn't get her kidnapped. Tony Shit, you're right. That fucker told me it was my fault so many times that I'm starting to believe it. Luis You need some rest, T. Tony Don't you worry, I'm taking a spa day the first opportunity I get. Luis Okay, man, let me know if they find Gracie. Tony I hope for our sake they do. See you soon, partner. Luis Hello? Rocco Hello, burrito. Luis Rocco, how'd you get my fucking number? I don't want to talk to you. Rocco Too bad, Mex. This line opened up just as soon as Tony took those points. Luis You know, Rock, your guinea ass is lower down this country's ethnic food chain than mine, so don't fucking condescend me. Rocco Oh! I got Senora Sensitive here. Hey, look, I respect you so I'm gonna talk straight a second. Tony's pissed a lot of people off. You need to control him. Luis Tony's gonna calm down as soon as you stop sending us on suicide missions! Rocco Look at my position, it's some serious moula he owes. You think the higher powers are gonna stop expecting envelopes from me because of the homo's mid-life crisis? Doctors' notes don't cut it with these people. Luis Be reasonable then, Rock. Chinatown? Bahama Mamas? Those fucking bombs? That's some out of control shit, man. Rocco No! Tony's some out of control shit. Think about what he has got you into. But if you think about it too long then there might be no getting out of it. Comprende? Luis Not really, bro. Goodbye. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MOMMA'S BOY (#al1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Luis Mami, soy yo! [hug] Adriana Luis, this is Mr. Santo. Luis What's going on? Santo Hey, I guess I didn't recognize you from your mom not having any pictures of you up on the walls. Luis Yeah, I guess she doesn't have any up. Santo Now that you mention it, I guess mug shots don't sit along too well with graduation shots. Luis Yo, who the fuck are you? Adriana Well, it's complicated. Mr. Santo is a businessman... Santo It's not that complicated when you think about it. You see, your mother here has been making that classic American mistake. In other words, she's been living beyond her means. Luis Hey bro, be polite when you talk about my mother, man. Santo I'm being very polite. See, I like her. She's a good woman. If I didn't like her, I would have burnt this building down by now. Luis Mami, you know you could have came to me for money. Adriana But what would you do to get it? Luis Yeah, I wouldn't borrow it off a piece of shit like this. Santo Hey, be careful, kid. I could have you killed. Luis Oh, I'm really scared of you, motherfucker. Huh? How do you sleep at night, man, loan sharking to old women? Santo Hey. She called me, okay? It's business. We run a service. She knew the rules. She should have read the small print. Luis You know you really are a piece of shit. Santo I'm a businessman, and trust me, it could get a lot worse, my friend. Now, calm the fuck down. Your mother told me about you. Maybe you can help me pay off your mother's debt, that way this building doesn't have to come to an unfortunate end. Luis Yeah, okay. Santo Okay, let's go. As always, nice to see you, Ms. Lopez. Adriana Luis, be careful. Luis Yes, bit rich coming from you. Adriana You ought not to judge me, Luis Lopez. You're just like your father. Santo No need for transport. We going somewhere close. You gonna start fighting for money again. Luis Sorry bro, but I don't do that no more. Santo I saw you go a few years back. Could have been something if you didn't care so much about that pretty face of yours. Luis Thanks, but that ain't the reason I quit. Santo You ain't quittin' no more. My thinking is you were bad enough for no one to notice when you take a dive. You beat the first two guys I set you up with, then you fall on the third. Luis Shit, bro. I sure didn't think I'd be coming back here again. Man, there's probably even some guys on the scene that still remember me. If they ain't all fucked up by now. What if I get used to winning? Santo Then your momma better get used to me coming around and not being my usual friendly self. Santo Let's walk and talk. Good news. I bought you out of retirement. You're a fighter now. Luis That mean I get the opportunity to kick your ass? Santo No such luck, pretty boy. I got you set up at a tournament. You're gonna beat the first two guys. Then I'm gonna bet against you, and you're gonna let the third guy take you out. Luis LC Cage Fighters. Shit, bro. I spent some time in this place. Just like you must spend time round retirement communities and churches trying to scam old ladies. What if I don't want to take a fall? Santo Listen, man. You bitched out of a promising career to run around with a rich fag. Don't get too proud now. Santo What the fuck? You know how much money I had on that fight? Are you too fucking stupid to know when to lay down? Luis I guess I must be. Santo You're a fucking dead man. I'm gonna burn that bitch mom of yours, too. Luis I don't think you are, tough guy. This little game's over for you. Adriana My boy. What have you been doing? Luis I been taking care of things for you, ma. That guy ain't coming around no more. Don't worry about it. Adriana What kind of attitude is that to give your momma? Do you think you're something special? Like some baseball player? Like some gangster? Luis Mami, I didn't imply anything like that. Adriana You organize parties, Luis. You're a bouncer? Don't act the big shot with me because I know who you are. Luis Mami, you don't know me! The most important people in the world come to our clubs, and I look after them. I am something, and I look after you. I'll see you soon, okay? Bye. Santo Hey man, you know you did the right thing. Nice to see a man like you swallow his pride for his mama. Luis Just stay the fuck away from her, okay? You got your money. We done. Santo You listen to me. I was there for your momma when you weren't. I think you must of lost some brain cells in that fight. Luis If I see you again I'll kill you, bro. I'm out. Adriana Hijo. Luis I took a dive in that fight for you, Mami. You don't owe that guy any more money. Adriana What you mean you took a dive? You mean you lost? You claim to be some big shot and you can't even win a fight for your momma. Luis I lost the fight for you, Mami. Adriana I didn't ask you to lose no fight. I did not ask for losers in my family. Luis You know what? Forget about it, Ma. Just don't go borrowing any more money. See you soon. LLopezWilkinson@grype.org News Hey baby bro, Heard some news from the midwest. Apparently Dad ran out on his new family too. First it was the army, then us, and now his new set of kids. He's living with a waitress or something. He's a fucking asshole, L. I can't believe you still keep those photos of him up. Anyway, thought you'd want to know. Don't turn out like that, okay? I know you're better than that. Just saying... Love, Leta Hey sis, I figured it would happen some day. Man can't control himself. Send me some pictures of your kids and I'll take down the ones of Dad. Much Love, Luis. Please don't lecture me. I've seen Mom go through enough to not put someone through that. L ErnestoLopez@grype.org Greetings Luis, I hope you are doing better than when we last spoke. Listen, I won't waste time on pleasantries. I am sure your life as a pimp and drug pusher and night club man is great, but you are killing Ma. She is worried sick and quite frankly, I've had about enough. When the kids' break up for school, I've got half a mind to come there and give you a piece of my mind. You're pathetic, pal. You make me sick. Your life is a joke. Get real. I am ashamed to call you my brother. Ashamed. I pretend you don't exist. My kids think you're dead. But Ma needs better than what you give her. So that's why I am emailing. So sort yourself out, or you will have me to answer to. Your bro, Ernesto Ernesto! My dear brother! I hope being an accountant is still as much fun as ever! Man you are so lucky! Looking at columns and numbers all day. I miss you, bro. I really do. But since you left town and don't send Momma no money, I'm about all she got left. Now, I ain't perfect, but at least I actually seen my momma in the last five years. You call her up twice a year, then shout at me, then disappear back to suburbia. So, please, go fuck yourself. I know your tight ass wife ain't giving you none, although she try to get it on with me. Your loving brother, Luis. You such a big man you should send Momma some money. I would love to see you come down here and talk to me. Your bro, L. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CORNER KIDS (#al2) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Henrique walks over to sell to a pedestrian while Mando sits back to watch.] Luis Yo, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? Mando What do you mean, homie? Luis You can't be sitting here, man, watching him. Any fool policeman on his second day on the job will know you're the guy with the shit, man. You'll wind up back inside, you moron. Mando It's nice to see you, Mr. big shot. Real nice to see you. Captain Downtown come up here to talk down to his old friends. Luis Yeah, I just care about you guys, okay. Mando I don't have a choice, man. My right hand man got a single digit IQ. Hey, H, come over here, man. Of course, I could do what you did. Run the fuck away. Go fuck a man, or some shit. Luis Yo, I ain't fucking no man, bro. Okay? I'm working the best clubs in the city. I ain't going no where. I'm ten minutes away on the train. Ten fucking minutes. [Henrique returns. They walk up the sidewalk.] Luis What's up, H? [handshake] Mando It's like it's another country down there. Ten fucking minutes. I'll give you ten fucking minutes. You ran away. Luis Yo, whatever, man. Mando Whatever. Rique Whatever. Luis You want a job, bro? I'll get you a job, man, you know that. Mando Yeah, yeah, for sure, man. I want a job sucking some aging playboy's cock. I want that job real bad. Sign me the fuck up. Luis You're such a dick, bro. Mando You would know. Luis Henrique, can you get the moron to shut up please? Mando I'm sorry man, I just miss you and maybe I express myself coarsely, but we was like family. Luis Oye, loco, we are family, man. But family doesn't mean we have to live up here, slinging dope to a bunch of suburban punks from Alderney, and complaining about how life could be. We are on the doorstep, man. Liberty fucking City. We could run the fucking world, man. Mando And are you running the world, or you running errands for some ass muncher? Luis Yo, Tony's alright, man... Mando [with Henrique] "He's like the daddy I never had." Fucking sugar daddy. Luis Aye, whatever, man. [They reach Adriana's.] Luis Mami! Adriana Luis! Boys! Luis Hey mami, como esta? Mando Mrs. L. Rique Hey, Mrs. Lopez. Adriana How are you boys? Aye, Luis, you look tired. Luis Hey mami, I've been working. You know. Adriana I do know, that's the problem. When you going to go back to school? Luis Aye, mami, por favor. Adriana I hear you're going back to school, Armando. Mando I'm doing a MBA, Mrs L. Luis Hey, let's go. Mami, I gotta go, okay? But here, take this. [hands her a wad of cash] Adriana Luis, take your life more seriously, baby. Please. Don't be like your father. Look at your brother, look at your sister. They're doing so well. Luis Mami, I know. But what do you expect. I got to hang out with morons like these two. Okay? Bye... Let's go. Mando Morons like us, eh, my brother? Luis Aye, you know how Mami is. Mando What, like a women who has been abandoned by her children? Luis Que? Mando Look look look look look - I know you think we small, I know you think we ain't shit - but that's why I hit you up, man. Luis Why? Mando Because we got something real coming down. Luis Yeah, the last time we had something real coming down, I did two years. Mando Look, I'm not going to insult your intelligence by telling you shit is gonna be different now. But it is. Rique It is. Mando Come on, trust me... Let's go. Mando Business is going down in East Hook, bro. Get us over there. Luis Yo Mando, Rique, I'm serious about this, man. You need to get out of this place; make something of yourselves. Mando Easy for you to say, Dom Juan. I don't get your problem with the neighborhood. The Heights ain't all bad, bro. Luis Oh yeah. Sure it ain't, man. How many kids from our class stuck around up here? None that did anything. Them punks Oscar, Willy, and Alonso did and look where they at. Mando Fuck them. You had some good times here. Don't forget about that shit. Remember the summer of '99? Luis Yeah I do, it was damn hot that year, wasn't it? Rique Hot as shit up here in '99. Mando And we started getting into that Vespucci University toto. Remember that? Luis Nothing quite like college girls. Mando Even Rique got him some, didn't he? Luis Yo, shit, that librarian girl. Mando Fucked the glasses right off her nose. Rique Hu hu hu hu. I sure did. Luis Yo, A, everybody gotta grow up someday. Mando Not if you live next to a college, you don't. Them bitches stay the same age your whole life. Luis True bro, but that's not what I meant. Mando I know. Shit. How them Gomez boys anyway, Luis? Luis Hey, you know I don't see them dumb fucks no more. Mando Five-O think you do. Five-O asking us about you and them all the time. "You seen Luis Lopez up here with the Gomez boys?" Rique "You seen Mr. Luis Fernando Lopez associating with Willy Valero?" Mando It's like they're obsessed. Luis Yeah man, you get bagged with a couple of punks it's like you associated with them for the rest of your life. Five-O's dumb, fucking useless bro. No wonder crime's outta control in this city. Mando I can think of a few other reasons too. Luis Speaking of crime, bro, what the fuck are we doing here? Mando Me and Rique got a new package. Shit's good enough for us to start seriously stepping on shit and making some real profit. Rique Product then profit then pussy: 'P.P.P.' That's how it works, bro. Luis Sure it does, Rique. Can you remind me why I'm coming along on a motherfucking dope deal? I don't touch that shit no more, man. I got a legitimate source of income. Mando Chill out, bro. We just having a final meet with the guy to smooth out some details. It would really help if we had a respectable punk like you along. Luis Yo, this is just for appearances, right? You sure? Mando Yo. Sure I'm sure. Just for appearances. We shaking hands with the man is all. Nothing incriminatory. Luis Fuck, bro. Okay. Okay. Only 'cause I love you guys. You should know that. Rique Shit, Mando. You right. Mando What? Rique The big queen really has groomed this fool. He gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Luis Fuck you, bro. Mando Heavy armament be the best ways to dissuade foolish cats from action. Take an auto shottie and some grenades, L. Luis Just what we need for a friendly tete-a-tete. Luis Hit me with it then. Rique Hit you with what? I ain't dickslapping you, homo. Luis Shut up you fucking idiot. What's this "real" shit that ain't nothing at all like the other "real" shit that got my ass locked up? Tell me. Mando What's that attitude for, bro? We don't want your help if you going to be all self-righteous and shit. Rique Don't condescend on us, bro. Mando Yeah. Don't condescend at us. Especially since prison was a good thing for you. Rique Be thankful for that, L. You came out a changed man. Mando Luis Lopez - poster child for rehabilitation. That shit worked on you. Rique You met Tony in that prison outreach program, too. From there on it was all up for you. Mando Yeah, bro. That was the moment when you put down the gun and picked up the pork sword. Luis Unfortunately, I ain't no poster child. I'm still hanging out with degenerates like you, ain't I? And it ain't exactly like Tony's operation is always completely above board. Mando Yeah, dick sucking's well below board. You right. Luis Yo, enough with the gay jokes, you moron. For once, give me a break. Mando Shit! Alright. Alright. Rique Damn. Luis mad. Luis So, again, what the fuck are we doing? Mando Chill, bro. We meeting a new business associate. It's taken me and Rique a long time to get in with this guy. He gonna start selling us weight on a large enough scale, with a good enough purity so we gonna be able to roll with your rich friends. Wouldn't that be nice? Luis This package sounds too good to be true, A. What this fool want to be running with low-rate corner boys like you for? Mando We got us a rep now. Eventually, if you put in the hours... Rique And we sure as shit put in the hours, bro. Luis Good for you guys, but what's this got to do with me? Mando We, ummmm.... we need to put out a public face. This deal ain't completely worked through and we thought it might look good having you along. To show we ain't some shit operation. Don't let it go to your head, L, but you look like you mean business. Rique Looks can be deceiving. He looks like a balla, but the only balls he plays with are Tony's! Luis Rique, man. I told you to cut it out. Rique Sorry, bro. Couldn't resist. Luis Alright. I'll meet this motherfucker for you. Damn. Mando Strap up, bros. An auto shottie and some grenades for peace of mind. Luis Just what we need for a friendly tete-a-tete. Papi Fucking cocksuckers. [looking at his watch] Mando Papi! What's up, man? [handshake] Mi hermano. What's good? Papi Chilling bro. Mando Aiight. Rique Papi, what's up? [handshake] Papi What up baby? Yo, but who's this clown right here? Luis Yo, be easy, bro. Mando Whoa whoa whoa whoa. This is Luis Lopez. He's our boy. Luis Yo, you got to say my name, bro? Mando Luis, you don't got to worry about shit. Papi's a businessman. Legit. Rique He's our connection, bro. Mando Purest package in town. Papi You know I got that raw baby, you already know. Mando To a fruitful relationship. [handshake] [Police sirens wail in the distance and approach rapidly.] Papi What the fuck? That's sirens, yo. You, motherfucker, you set me up, huh? You were followed, right? Mando We wasn't, were you baby? Rique What's going on, bro? What's going on? Mando They must have got in our phones. Papi Yo, fuck that, you fucking amateurs. I'm outta here, man. Luis The cops were on your phones? How the fuck you know that? Mando I heard some clicking, bro. I shoulda picked it. Luis Anything else these guys gonna know from your phone conversations? Mando It was a burner, bro. No details, just time and place. Luis I hope they don't pick up your connect, bro. He knows my name. Mando That guy knows how to run. They ain't touching him. Rique You ain't going back inside, L. We look after you. Luis Oh yeah, thanks, H. Mando So much for that package, Rique. Rique Package don't mean shit if we get incarcerated, A. Luis So much for that package of yours. Mando Whole load of work for nothing, bro. Fuck! Luis Yo Armando, you got to be careful of them phones, man. People are onto that shit. The Jingoism Act, that shit means they can pretty much read your thoughts now and get away with it. Mando Thanks for the lecture, professor. I didn't know a two year stretch qualified you to teach Street Life 101. Luis Yeah, I ain't lecturing. I'm just looking out for my boys. Mando Ain't that what you do at them clubs of yours? Rique He looks out for boys in tight denim shorts. Luis Oh, wow, we back there again? Mando Luis bro, you want us to come downtown to lecture you on interior decoration? Rique Or Boulevard musicals? Mando Or sucking cock? Rique I don't think you do. Luis Oh yeah, sabes que. Now that you mention it, I could do with some dick sucking lessons. I hear you nailed your technique on that last bid upstate, A. Mando We was just close friends. Whatever anyone told you is fucking bullshit, man. Fucking bullshit! He's a good guy, got three kids. Luis I think we hit a nerve. Rique Someone misses their cellmate! Ohhhh weeee! Mando Fuck you, both of you! Luis I don't see why you guys are giving me shit. You was the ones who asked me to come along on this thing. Mando We asked you along to look pretty. We didn't know shit was gonna fuck up. Luis Well shit did fuck up and I nearly got killed so I think I earned the right to be heard for a second. Rique Ohhhhhh! Luis got his panties in a twist. Mando Speak your piece, bro. Luis Look. As you say, I ain't an expert in this shit, but I do run a business. Mando You run Tony's shit, do you? Where's the money then? Luis You gonna listen to me or what? You never going to get anywhere if you guys are the ones selling on the corner. There's enough chumps out there to do that work for you. Just get involved in the high level shit. And never talk on the motherfucking phone. Mando That's all well and good, bro. But selling ain't our issue. It's getting hold of product. Luis What are you talking about? There's product all over the city. Just take it off motherfuckers. Mando Steal that shit? Luis They ain't exactly gonna call up Five-O, are they? Mando You could be right, bro. Other than this shipment we being paid to oversee, there ain't nothing else coming in for us. We might just have to start ripping people off. You gonna help us? Luis Yo, man. I don't know. I could do with the money but you boys is clowns. Rique Luis back on board, bro. I know it. Luis Shit! You all alright, bros? No severe injuries back there? Rique I'm cool, L. I thought for a second they mighta shot my freaking balls off. Mando That wasn't blood running down your leg, bro. You just wet yourself. Rique I pissed myself, did I? You the one who couldn't hold it in in Mrs. Lebowitz's class. Mando Fuck you. That was third grade! Luis Oh shit! You did, didn't you? I wouldn't go making no piss jokes, A. Rique Mrs. Lebowitz? Didn't you go back and screw that bitch, L? Luis Fuck you. You insane? She was our third grade teacher. Mando Luis fucked Miss Adams, we had her in eighth. Luis Oh yeah. I forgot about that. What can I say, man, I was the star pupil. Mando You was a victim of child abuse, you sick fuck. Rique I'd let that bitch abuse the shit outta me right now. Oh yeah. Luis Alright bro, I was young. I was stupid. But more importantly, you getting any toto yourself at the moment? Mando Sure am. Nice little girl by the name of Carmen Ortiz, lives out in So Bo. Luis Ortiz? Shit, how come I know that name? She a nurse? Mando Yeah. Yeah. You know her? Luis Shit. Yeah. Ummm... we had a thing about a year ago. She kinda nasty, bro. Rique Shit. Sorry, A. Mando Yo, man, that don't mean nothing. What you know about women anyway? Carmen's sweet. Rique Yo, A, I... ummm... I'm not sure about that. Mando What do you mean? Rique I fucked her too, bro. She pretty nasty. Luis Damn. You too, Rique? Fuck. Mando Who hasn't had this piece of ass? Rique I had to cut that girl loose, bro. You're lucky I did, otherwise you wouldn't be getting shit right now. Luis Business as usual, then. Mando Screw the both of you. Mando Thanks, bro. You know I hate to ask this now you all Johnny-lawful and shit, but me and Rique are gonna need to do some serious work if we gonna maintain shit on these streets. We could use someone we can trust. Luis Yo. You know I said I wouldn't get involved in that no more. I'll have to think about it, bro. Rique Thanks, Luis. We'll see you soon, yeah. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CLOCKING OFF (#al3) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Adriana brings plates of food to Armando and Henrique.] Luis Mami! It's me. Adriana Ah, hello baby. Luis Hola mami, como esta? Hi, hi. [hug] Mando Yo yo, wassup, man? Rique Yo, wassup, man? Luis Aye dio, mami, perro que to, you always taking care of the down and outs. I mean, it's a beautiful thing, but you gotta let them into the house? Adriana These are my boys, baby, just like you. I watched them grow up. Luis Yeah well, apparently your boys and your real son got some work to do, so ladies, we gotta roll. Come on, let's go. [They stuff their faces and set the plates down.] Mando Mrs. L, you're still the best cook I know. Luis Here you go, mami, take this, okay? [hands her a wad of cash] Take care, I gotta go. Adriana Take care? You take care, son. Dealing drugs, people getting killed, nightclubs. You take care. Go to school. Go somewhere. It's not too late, my baby. Luis Mami, but you got it all wrong. I mean, it's not like that anymore. You know, I know good people, I know bad people, you know, but I know the difference. I mean, I know I made mistakes, but things are better now. I mean, how many times we gotta go over this? Adriana If things are better now, then why are you always like this? Luis Right, but you take the money, right? You take the fucking money every time. Adriana Get out of my house. What choice do I have? I lost my job. Luis Yeah well, call one of your other kids. The one you ain't ashamed of. Mando Hurry it up. Luis I'm coming. I'm coming. Mando Yo. We heading to the docks in Bohan. Mando Yo, man, you gotta let up on your mom. Luis [translated] I hear you, man, but bro, she rides me too hard, man. Mando Hanging downtown made you forget who you is, L. Luis What you mean? Mando I mean you a fuckin' Dominican. All Dominican mommas ride their hijos like that. You think me and Rique don't get shit too? Rique Damn right. Mando Rique's momma wants his ass to go to college someday. Fool couldn't even spell SAT, let alone GED, I doubt he can even spell ABC. Rique Only thing I can spell is DVDA. Your sister taught me that. Mando I believe it, bro. She was always a save the world, special needs helping type girl. Rique Special needs to jump on my dick. Luis You boys gonna tell me what's happening here? Mando Yo, we doing some contract work - getting paid to escort a shipment for some people. Rique That gonna be some unruly shit, bro. We need us another set of eyes. Mando There gonna be too many people under our purview to cope on our own. And considered your experience as a man manager, we thought... Rique You the supervisor at two successful businesses. This is your forte. Luis Okay. Okay. Enough of the flattery. I'll help you guys. Luis Bohan, is it? What's happening over there? Mando We being paid to oversee the movement of a shipment, bro. Just got to get it back to the Heights and we get paid. Rique Easy money, bro. We getting paid for real. Luis Oh, de verdad? You getting paid for real? My guess is you getting chump change for some dangerous work. You're being paid a fraction of what the shit is worth, but you taking all the risk by escorting it across the city. Mando You believe this guy, H? Comes up here to give us another motherfucking lecture. Rique Professor Lopez from the University of Downtown. Department of "I'm a expert in fucking everything." Mando He always was a college fool. Kid loved the Vespucci scene more than us, didn't he? Hanging with them trust fund bitches must have given him the taste for cash. Luis Yo, whatever, bro. You guys want to keep running bids for that shit money, go for it. Rique What we meant to do if we don't got the rep to be able to control our own shipments? You saw what went down the other day. Luis I guess there's nothing you can do for now, if you're so interested in being a drug dealer. But you got to try to get out of this petty hand to mouth shit. Rique Better than ass to mouth. Luis Oh for fuck's sake. Please shut up, you chump. Rique Sorry, man. Mando This is the place. They're bringing the stuff in off that boat. We gonna bring it up here to get in these cars, then all we got to do is get them back to the Heights. Rique Easy peasey. Mando I'll watch these guys up here. H, L, check the dudes by the river. Luis Oye mi pana, this looks like a serious amount of shit coming in. Rique You think we'd be in for some serious time if Five-O catch us with this? Luis Yeah, bro. Or a serious amount of heat if some stickup guys hear what's going down. Who these boys you got working for you? Rique They people from the neighborhood. Luis You trust 'em? Rique Why you think we asked you to come along and observe? You the only guy we trust, L. Luis Damn, Henrique. That shit was fucked up. Rique Fucked up? What you talking about, bro? That was some of the most successful shit I participated in. Luis Successful? Shit bro, I know you slow but you can't have failed to notice them hoods trying to rip us off back there. Rique You mean them motherfuckers we took down? Luis Yes. Them motherfuckers. Precisely. Rique That just the way things is in the business. Bro, we walked away with the shit. We get it back home and we going to get paid. This is a mad success for us. Luis Diablo, you guys work hard for your money. Rique Only way to work. Luis Nah, bro. You don't need to work this hard. It's just the only way you know about. Rique We don't all got what you got, L. I ain't got your looks. I ain't got your brains. All I got is my guts, my gun, and Armando. Luis Fuck, bro. At least we ain't there when the police is showing up. That's the one consolation I can think of. Rique Consolation? It's the paycheck is gonna console my ass. Luis This ain't real money. Take how much you get paid for this and divide it by how many bodies you had to drop back there. Then see if that shit's real money. Rique Fuck that math stuff. You know I can't divide nothing. Luis Mira, all I'm saying is you had to take down a lot of people to earn not very much money. Ain't a good business model, man. Rique They came at us, bro. It weren't our fault they gone now. Luis Okay, man. Fair enough. Rique This may be shit, but at least we work for ourselves. We ain't someone's bitch. Luis You everyone's bitch! I'm sorry, Henrique, but you ain't got shit. Rique We got our pride. Luis You even know what means, bro? Rique Nah, bro. I just like saying it. Mando Thanks for your help, bro. Luis Yeah, I guess my shooting was more important than my man management skills on this "business trip". Mando For real. We gonna get paid, bro. Give us a call, okay. Rique Yeah, dude. Let's hang. Luis Hey Mami. Adriana Luis. I saw that nice man Mr. Santo again. Luis Nice man? Mami, he's a loan shark! You didn't borrow no money, did you? Adriana No. He helped me with my shopping. He is a real gentleman. You could learn so much from him. Luis Stay away from him, Mami. Listen to me on this. unfinished ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- KIBBUTZ NUMBER ONE (#mk1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mori Hey, Lou! Luis It's Luis. Mori Yeah, whatever. Come here, give me some love. Right here. [handshake] Luis So - what do you want? Tony said you needed a favor. Mori What, I look like a charity case to you? Luis Can I plead the fifth on that one? Mori That's - that's funny. You're funny, you're fucking funny. Funny for a guy with all those pecs, but you got the lats of a little girl. And man you need calf implants, look at you. And you know, I'm guessing, just from looking at you, you ain't exactly packing a ten-inch hose. Me? I make girls wince. Wince. Luis Just to level with you for a minute, bro, Tony owes you money. Tony's my boss and my friend, so I'll help you out a little, but if you mention my 'hose' again, I'll put you in the fucking ground. Mori Jesus Christ, man - you're pent up. Come on, I didn't mean anything by it. I apologize. Alright look, let's rewind, we'll restart, we'll relax. Come here. Page one. Give me a hug. Eh? Give me a hug. [Luis gives him a one-arm hug. Brucie walks in.] Mori That's it. Now where were we? Oh, well if it isn't my brother the ghost. Brucie Mori... what are you doing here, bro? And who's this guy? Mori It's Lou. Luis It's Luis. Mori Right. It's nice to see you too, little brother. Jesus, you look pale. What, somebody die? Brucie Unfortunately not, man. What are you doing here, Mori? Mori I am thinking about moving back home. You see, I've been hearing stories about you getting somewhat above yourself, and I'm worried about you. Brucie Mori, don't worry about me, man. I'm fine. Okay? I'm going to be just fucking fine. Mori Jesus - who is training you? Man oughta be horse-whipped. Look at you. You're lumpy. You're like - a- awful, like a big pale mess. And you're fat, bro. Oh jeez, you're fat. Brucie Screw you, Mori, man... you're, you're... Mori "You're, you're"... Perfect? Yeah. Chiseled, tanned, handsome. I'm the dream ticket. Yeah, Mom always warned me that you were a lazy kid. I bet you've been juicing. Brucie Of course I haven't. Mori [sniffing] No, no, no. Yeah, I smell it on you. Fear. But I'm back now, Baby B. I'm b-b-b-back. And your life just got fun again. Come on, Lou. Let's roll. Oh, and fat boy - you better let your friends know about me, because Kibbutz number one... [flexing] is back in town. And this time... [removing his shirt to show his tattoo] it's kosher. See ya, wouldn't want to be ya... fag! Mori Yeah, we're meeting some cats up on Chase Point. Luis What you need done, Mori? Mori Oh, we got some very intense shit to handle. Luis I'm hoping you mean you got some boxes to move, something like that? That's about as intense as I'm willing to get for you. Mori Wow, it's incredible - he looks like a man, but he talks like a pussy. Luis Mori, man, you're a business guy. So you should stick to your business shit. Don't get involved in stuff that's out of your league because of some small-man syndrome that makes you overcompensate. Mori Whoa, whoa, there's nothing small about what I got going on, Lopez. Yo, you need me to take out the monster? I'll whap that shit on the dashboard, see what you think of it. Yo yo, you'll think it's suddenly dark in here. I'm talking serious block the sun shit. Oh, hah! Hey, just don't hold me responsible for your inadequacy issues after that, huh? Oh! Luis Don't take nothing out, bro. Keep it to yourself. Keep the monster away from me, and listen to what I'm saying. This shit comes from the heart, okay? I don't wanna see you getting in over your head. For a man of your height, that's gotta be easy to do. Mori Whoa, whoa, slow up, dog. I think you're mistaken in your impression of me. I look like a civilian to you? Luis You look like a lot of things, bro. A lot of neuroses in one tiny package. Kind of like an army knife without the edge. Mori You think because of my lumpy little brother that I don't swing on the darkside. Luis I never said you weren't a swinger, man. Come to think of it, I mighta seen you on one of them websites. Mori Alright, enough with the jokes. Look, I done three years Israeli military - I've seen shit you wouldn't even believe. Luis I done three years helping to run Hercules. I seen shit you wouldn't believe. Mori Hey, how many guys got juice to get into some Foreign Legion shit when they're 18? You were probably still sucking on your momma's titty at that age. Luis I was doing time, bro. And leave my momma out of it. Mori Things I saw over there were insane, dog. Insane. I'd tell you about it but then I'd have to kill you right here. I could do it, too... with my bare hands... wouldn't even think twice about it... but I won't, Lou. I won't because I like you, heh. Special Forces don't even begin to describe my shit. Luis Special sounds about right to me... Mori Look, I came back here after the service and I'd changed, man, I'd changed. You think it's easy to sit down to Econ 101 when you been icing fools? Luis I would not know, bro. Mori Still got my 4.0 though, didn't I? No, give it up, right here. Luis Good for you, bro. You want to send me a resume so we can skip all this personal history crap? Mori No, I want you to understand, Luis, that I got the brain and the brawn. The meat and potatoes. MBA plus IDF equals "do not fuck with this bitch." I got it all, brother. I can handle anything. Luis Yeah. Okay. Fine. Whatever. Remind me what we are doing now? Mori We are paying a visit to some of my old, uhh, business associates. We're gonna take over their operation. Clear those fucks out. Luis Perfect. Just perfect. Another fucking war. Mori Fuck yeah! Mori Oh, exciting times, Lou! These are some excitin' times. Hah hah! Luis Why, bro, what's the excitement? We heading to a surprise party? You getting a sex op? What? Mori Oh, you got a lot to learn, driver. You should try to stick your head out that club occasionally and soak up the atmosphere. In this climate there is more to think about than parties and plastic surgery. Luis Yeah, sure, bro, I was just getting facetious on you. Mori We are at a turning point in history, Luis. Right now. Things are turning. Oh, God yeah! I can almost feel it. Luis I guess you right. Things just turned shit. Mori That's a typical short-sighted, negative viewpoint. Can't see your tiny hose through your bushy pubes. Shave those things off, by the way. They're unappetizing. See, I've been bald since I was 19. I set the trends, I don't follow them. Luis I told you about that hose shit, midget. It's creeping me the fuck out. Mori Yeah alright, alright, alright - where was I? Oh yeah, yeah, see, I love guys like you. Guys like you make guys like me rich. Luis How's that? Mori Well at this very moment there are fantastic opportunities for anyone with some money in a bank and some balls in their sack. Cash is falling out of the sky! Luis This is the part where you ask me to hand over my life savings so you can "invest" it for me, right? My moms might fall for that shit, but she believes that dogs bark at ghosts so maybe she's an easy touch. Mori Ah, really, Lou? Cause if you got your mom's number there, you know, I might want to give her a call! Luis Funny, bro. Real funny. One thing I can rely on at least is mom knowing you were a little asshole if she met you. Mori Yo whoa, what you mean? 'Cause she's old and wise? Hey, hey, hey I fuck cougars too, Luis. If they look after themselves, that is. I am an equal opportunity lay. I'll fuck anything. Luis The issue with what you were saying is that it's the money in the bank thing that people is having problems with right now. Mori Maybe! If you're a schmuck like my brother, maybe. You see old B's over-exposed like a motherfucker. He's got debt you wouldn't believe and assets he don't exist. If someone could get a prize for buying at the top of the market, it'd be that sucker. If Brucie was a stock, I'd short him all I could. Luis He's your brother, bro. Can't you help? Mori Brother or no, he's gotta learn. I'm feeling bearish about him. Sell! Sell! Sell! God, sell! Luis So what's your master plan then, Mori? Where the billions coming from? Mori Oh, I'm all about master plans. I got more than I know what to do with. You see, the big businesses of the next decade are gonna get formed in this downturn, and Mori K is gonna be there on the ground floor. Luis Good thing too, bro. 'Cause a guy of your stature might find it tough if it was on anything higher than street level. Mori Oh! Hah hah hah hah heh heh heh, yeah yeah. Fucking funny. Luis Yeah anyway, bro, that's besides the point. What we doing right now? Mori This is the first investment. Mergers and acquisitions, baby. I seen a business that ain't been run well, so we're about to take the controlling share. Luis Okay. Let's get it over with. Mori [whistles] Hey you! Man What the fuck are you doing here, Mori? Mori Oy vey, motherfuckers! Man Dude, we told you we ain't in business with you no more. You're a rip off merchant. Mori No more cooperation, my friends. It's hostile takeover time, hand it over! Man Fuck you, Mori, you midget prick. You ripped us off for the last time. Let's get these fuckers! Mori Fuck yeah, bitch. Dock up and I'll bust on out of here. Luis Hey bro, I can't imagine you got much of a business left now that we taken out all your employees. Mori Imagination isn't your strong suit, Luis. Let's leave the logistics to me, huh? Luis I'm more than happy to leave everything to you, Mori. In fact, I don't wanna be no part of any of this shit. Mori Correct me if I'm wrong, but you and Tony are business partners, aren't you? Luis Sure. Mori Well, I own Tony. Ergo, I own your ass as well. Get used to it. Luis Hey, no one owns me, bro. Mori Ooh, I beg to differ. Luis Here we go, bro. You gonna get out my face now? Mori Woo! Sure, I am. Sure. You did great. I'm feeling real bullish about, Lou. Real fucking bullish. Luis Good to know. Mori Hey, you come by soon. We got some more shit to discuss. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THIS AIN'T CHECKERS (#mk2) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Brucie struggles over a game of chess before finally moving a piece. Luis walks in.] Mori Hey Lou! Come on in... hang on one second... [Mori moves his own piece.] Mori Check... mate. See ya! Little thicko never went to college... I never got into an Ivy League school. I got into two! Come on, let's get outta here. Mori Algonquin heliport. Come on, hit it. Mori So, I got a proposition for you, Louie. Luis It's Luis, bro. Mori It'll be Little Louise if I want it to be. You still owe me money, so you're still my bitch. Luis Man, Tony, you owe me, bro. Making me hang out with this jackass. Mori Now listen to me, I got a wager. Luis I ain't having no monster measuring contest, bro. I keep telling you I ain't into that creepy shit. Mori Oooh! My jackhammer would crush the shit outta you, bitch. No, no, no, no. I'm talking a fair bet. Calculated risk. Luis What's on the line, then, you terrifyingly insecure midget? Mori Well, how about everything Tony owes me? And I promise to get out of your life if you win. Luis That sounds too good to be true, bro. What happens if I lose? Mori I get everything. You're rolling with me full time, hombre. Buddies for life. Mmmwah. Luis All or nothing, eh? Heavenly peace or a lifetime of being tortured by some hellish imp? Shit is tough. Mori Calculated risk. What are you gonna do? Luis Okay. So what we betting on? Mori It's a race, you fucking pussy. All around the city. Only for serious high roller cats. Choppers, boats, cars, and everything inbetween. Luis So all I gotta do is win that and you out of our lives? Mori In theory, yes. But that ain't gonna happen, dog. 'Cause I never lost at nothing in my whole life. Maybe that's because I had a brother as pathetic as little B, or maybe it is because I am the S-H-I-T, bitch! Luis Yeah, you shit alright. Mori Now if you do win, which you won't, you just got to help me with one more thing and then all your contractual obligations are released. Luis Hey, here's to that. Luis How's that business of yours? I been looking in them financial papers and I ain't been seeing your face. Maybe they couldn't get the seat up high enough to bring your head into shot. Mori You know, I'm sensing a little tension here, Lou. You should let it out. I don't know, beat off more or something. Chill the fuck out. Being around all those gay dudes all day must get confusing, I understand. Luis Not really, bro. Being around people you want to kill - that shit gets confusing, Mori. Mori Oh, sure. Sure. Don't you ever get tired of that shit? That muscle bound fag hag routine? Luis Working with Tone? You must be joking, man. Even jail would be a vacation in comparison to hanging with you. Mori You know, I don't get you, Lopez. No ambition. You should give it all up to work with some real men on some serious shit. You could add a zero to that little tiny pay check of yours and take "mopping cum" out of the job description. Luis I'm worried I'd be replacing it with "tiny cunt management". Mori Man, you got to love interns. Those fucks'll do anything. Luis Don't even have to pay them, neither. Mori God bless college credit. Ooh! Luis Oh yeah! Marketing associates, publicity, entertainment - we never pay a buck for those people. Mori Oh, well we agree on something, at least. Luis There ain't much beyond a common love of free labor from snotty graduates. That's for sure. Mori Enough of this bullshit, Lou. How about a wager? Saving one last job I need help with, I'll let you off all your contractual obligations. You win, and I forget about the dollars I'm owed. I get the fuck outta your life, you and your fairy godmother can assfuck a pumpkin all night long. Luis Bro, I need that little speech in writing. What if I lose? Mori Then you sign everything over to me. Luis Shit, that's heavy, man. But maybe losing everything is about worth it to not see you again. What we betting on? Mori An extreme race around the city. Air, more air, water, land - it's got it all. Only the richest, most hardcore cats can enter. You in? Luis Bring it, bro. Luis Ouch, man. That's got to be an expensive race for you. Mori Bullshit, man. Someone musta sabotaged me or something. No, shit, no, I wanted to lose. You think Tony's cash means shit to me? I got other investments. Luis Good for you, Tiny. So, umm, do we get to see each other again? Mori I told you, Louie. One more job. I got some cars to procure and you're gonna help me. Come by Brucie's and we'll hit it. Luis Whatever, bro. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NO. 3 (#mk3) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Brucie's doing pushups while Mori paces.] Mori Thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-... Oh come on, come on one more, come on! Brucie Screw you, Mori! Why do you gotta be such a cock? Mori Oh, I'm sorry... Brucie Oh, fuck you, Mori. Mori Fuck me? Fuck me? You can't fuck me, Baby B. Name one thing you have ever been able to fuck me at. One thing. Huh? I lift more weights, I fly better choppers, I have better cars, I screw beter women, hell, I screw women. My bling ain't CZ and my paper ain't a photocopy. What's up, Lou? So again... One!... [Brucie starts again.] Luis Hey Mori, I've gotta side with your brother on this one, man. You're fucking annoying. I mean, I work in nightclubs, I hang out with gangsters. I meet assholes 24 hours a day, but you, you take the cake, man. Mori Oh jeez, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm trying to toughen up my little bro here, [stepping on Brucie's back] my little bro who I love more than life itself, and you think that you can interfere with that? Luis I think you've maybe taken the tough love thing a little too far, man. I mean, I got sent to juvy when I was seventeen years old for shooting a teacher who felt up my sister. They tried the tough love thing on me. It didn't fucking work too well. So maybe try a different fucking approach. Mori You know what? I think you might be right. Come on Baby B. Let's hug it out. Let's hug it out. Brucie Yeah? Okay. Ha ha! [hug] Mori I love you. I love you. I do. I love you. It's just the truth is, I'm... I'm jealous. I am, I'm jealous. Jealous that... that you... are dating such a wonderful guy as Lou here. Luis It's Luis! Mori Whatever. I'm only kidding. Come on! Jesus, you guys are a couple of pent up queens. I swear. Come on, let's go have some fun, huh? You too, B, come on... stop sulking. You're pathetic. I love you, but you're such a pussy. Come on! Mori Head up to the top of Middle Park, Lou. Here, take these headets. Excuse me if I don't trust the pair of yous to think for yourselves. Mori Hey Brucie, bro, it's good to hang with you. I'm really happy you're along on this ride. Brucie Mori, bro, are you... uhhh... fucking with me? Mori Come on, little B. Hey, what do you take me for? It's good to have Lopez along too, right? Hey, the three amigos. Luis Or two men and a little cunt. Mori Yeah, you hear that, Brucie, he called you a little cunt. Luis I wasn't talking about him, bro. Mori Don't bring down the positive energy, Lopez. Me and my brother are having fun todya. Brucie Yeah, man, we are. We should do this more often, bro. Mori Ah, B, shit, before I forget, there's this email that I got that I thought you'd be interested in. Brucie Oh yeah? What's that? Mori Well, you see, it's this doctor, he's a fucking genius. Yeah, he says he's made this pill that is gonna sort out that penis problem you got. Brucie Fuck off, Mori. I thought you were being cool, bro. Mori No, no, I am, bro. I swear it. No, this guy can extend your hose by at least two to three inches. Hey, call me an asshole, but I'd be really psyched if my bro was packing a four inch punch. How's that for cool? Brucie Shut up, Mori. Mori The one thing you do got going for you is those 'roid-ravaged beans in your sack. Anything would look big hanging next to those peanuts. Right? Yeah, am I right? Brucie Shut the fuck up, Mori. Mori Ah, pathetic. You see this guy, Lopez? What did I tell you? Luis I don't know, bro. I tend to stop listening when you open your mouth. Mori Remind me again what you paid for that place in Broker, Brucie. Huh? Oh, and the garage, too. How much did you pay? Brucie I don't want to talk about it. Mori And uh, a, oh oh, yeah, yeah, what are those properties worth now!? Brucie I said I don't want to talk about it, okay!? Shit! Mori you see? What did I tell you, Lopez? Over-exposed like a stripper in Fleet Week. Only thing more useless than that little pecker of his is his portfolio. Ain't that right, Brucie? Luis Leave him alone, Mori. You're even more annoying than usual. Mori He's a bit like you and Big Tone, actually. Hey, you guys should start a debtors anonymous circle-jerk together. Yeah, you could sit around crying and hugging and talking about how you lost it all. Luis At least we don't owe you shit anymore, Mori. Remember, the debt got erased in that debt. Fuckin' genius. Mori Oooo. Little Lopez got his panties in a twist. G-string on too tight, is it? You guys should lighten the fuck up. Come on. Brucie So, Mori, bro, what are we doing? Mori We are stealing some cars, little B. You think you can handle that? Brucie Shit, yeah, of course, man. I can handle anything you throw at me, bro. This is going to be some slick shit. You, me, and Luis Lopez cruising down Algonquin to boost some motherfucking cars. Mori Ahh no, don't say cruising, Brucie. It'll get Luis all excited. Luis No way, Mori, the only thing that gets me excited is images of you being driven over by an 18 wheeler. Brucie Luis, man, I fucking love your club, bro. I do some serious damage in there, don't I? Tell Mori, bro. Tell him, tell him. Luis I'm real distracted when I'm in Maisonette, Brucie. It's work for me. Glad you enjoy it, though. Mori I think Brucie is talking about Hercules. That's where you pick up, ain't it? Brucie Awesome that we can hang like this. Fucking crazy, right? Three mad cats on the prowl for some autos. Scoping some joints. Scoping some bitches. About to do untold damage to this motherfucker! That is how we roll! Mori What did you just say? Brucie I said, "this is how we roll." Yeah! Suck it up, bitches! Mori What does that even mean? "This is how we roll." I certainly don't roll with a flabby little bitch like you. This is a one-off. Do you roll like this, Luis? Luis I'm just here to work out that deal we got. I do this for you and we square, right? Mori You see? You see what I mean? No one's interested in your pathetic rolling shit. You're a Beta male. Fuck it, Beta. Gamma. You're the Omega man. Bottom of the food chain. You're a bitch's bitch. You hang out with immigrant scumbags and you're whacked out on whale semen. Brucie It's bullshark testosterone and that shit fucking works, man! Mori Warning! Warning! 'Roid rage alert. 'Roids in the house. Control yourself, little B. Stick a seahorse up your ass, whatever nautical shit you like to calm yourself down with. Luis You fucking guys, man. Would you give it a rest? Mori Ahh, come on, I only do this 'cause I love him. Look, fucking shoot me, but what can I say? I love this pasty, podgy, no-cock, dumb-as-shit, in-debt-up-to-his-eyeballs lunatic, and I want what's best for him. Brucie You really mean that, bro? Mori Well, I meant the part about you having no cock, you fucking loser. Toughen up! Brucie You're such a dick. Luis Yeah, Mori. You're a real asshole. You might wanna do something about that. Mori I'm a rich asshole with a big cock. Ain't nothing wrong with that, you morons. It's called America. Luis Ay Dios Mio. You ain't got a clue, bro. Mori Ahh, here's our guy with the cars. You chumps could learn a thing or two here. [hands money to the guy] Hey buddy, thanks for the tip off. Here you go. Guy Okay, thanks bro. Mori Hey, don't go spending that all in one place, chump. Hey people! Money talks and idiots walk. Mori Okay, moving out, ladies! Follow me. Brucie Shit, bro, why are the cops all over us? Luis Yeah, man. How'd they know what's up? Mori Wake up, pansies. I called them. Shit just got intense, huh? Are you Alpha or Omega? You think you can handle it? Luis I fucking hate you, bro, you tiny orange turd. Mori Fucking intense! Woo! Did you see Little Lou here, though? He started shitting his pants when the cops showed up. Hey, check it out, Brucie. You know, I think Lou here might be even slightly a bigger pussy than you. Luis We're done, right? I mean, we're squared? You got your cars now, so now I don't have to sit here and listen to your tiny man bullshit. Mori Sure, sure, Lou, sure sure sure. You could go... if you're as dumb as you look. Luis Excuse me? Mori You got an opportunity here. Look at me, look at me. Watch my lips move. I can teach you things. Come on! Think apprentice. Think intern. Minon, yeah. Think squire boy. You, following me all around learning to become a business mastermind! No more clubs. No more Tony Queen. You, my friend, could be free! Luis Mori, is this a joke, man? I mean, you're the guy that needs to learn something. Shit, you're awful, bro. Hey, maybe someone can teach you the most basic human behavior. Brucie, please, do this guy a favor? Mori Brucie? Brucie Me? Luis Well, you're the guy in the family with some manners. Mori You think that I could learn something from little B here? The marshmallow man? Brucie Mori. Mori This pale piece of turd? Brucie Alright, cut it out, M! Mori The man is nothing but beyond pathetic. Brucie Alright, that's it, Mori! Cut it out! [He starts doing karate in the air.] Mori Are you kidding? [Brucie punches him in the nose.] Mori [clutching his face] Oh, God! Oh, fuck! What the fuck, man? What the fuck are you doing? Oh God, you know the rules! Brucie I-I-I'm sorry, I forgot, man. Mori Never, never in the face. Oh, come on. This is.. this is top work up here. You know that I've got a weakened septon. Brucie Okay, shit, just don't tell Mom, okay? Okay? Mori Okay. Okay. You gonna take me home? [crying] Brucie Yeah, shit, okay, yeah, shit. Come on, let's go. Okay. Okay. Come on. Mori Ow ow ow! Luis See you ladies later, okay? Brucie Yeah uh- uh, I'll see you at the club or something. Mori Ow, it hurts so bad. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CAUGHT WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN (#ya3) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Yusuf is dancing with Jonelle, but she gives up, snorts a line of coke, and sits down.] Yusuf We're getting Arab money. We're getting Arab money. Ho, ho, ho, ho! And again. Let's go. Luis [enters] Hey, bro. Yusuf Nigga! Yo, this is Jonelle... Jonelle, nigga. Luis I think you want to moderate your use of the word, bro. It's not fuckin' cool, alright? Jonelle Listen, are we going to do this or what? I'm on the fucking clock, man. Yusuf Chill, baby. Get into it. Feel it. Let's go! Luis Yo, what's wrong with you, man? Yusuf [turns off music] Nothing wrong with me, homeboy. I am going to build the biggest fucking building in this town. The biggest. My name will go down in history. Luis Yeah, I don't doubt that, man. What did you want? Yusuf Well, I heard from a friend that we can get some real hardware... bit like that chopper, but better, partner. Better. Luis Yeah, I don't think I can handle any more of that shit, partner. Yusuf I'm talking something seriously intense. How about... a mother... fucking... NOOSE tank!? Give it up, bro. Come on. Come on! [high-five] Luis What do you need a NOOSE tank for, man? What, are you crime fighting now? Yusuf I want it. Come on baby, you and me. Doing our tank thing. Just rolling like some Desert Storm niggas. [aiming sub-machine gun, pretending to fire] Chinese person. Bye bye, nigga! Luis You're fucking ridiculous, man. Yusuf Hey, man. What is it, money? Is it money you want? Here, here, have it. [tosses wad of cash to Luis] But come on, let's go get this thing. Come on! [turns the music back on, trying to dance with Jonelle] Come on, baby, get up. Come on, let's go again. To the left. We're getting Arab money! Come on, baby. We're getting Arab money! Abdul [enters] Yusuf! Yusuf Oh, Poppa! What are you doing here? [sets down SMG, turns off music] Welcome! Welcome, Poppa. This is my business associate... err... Mr... uh... Luis Luis. Yusuf Mr. Lewis. Y'Allah, he is the greatest technical advisor in the whole city. And this is his wife, Jaundice. [pulling her across the room] Jonelle Careful, motherfucker. Yusuf Yes. And you know... we were just having a little creative meeting and things went a bit crazy and I somehow lost my pants. But you know, Poppa, I tell you are looking... you're looking very well, in fact. Abdul I knew how disgraceful you were, but I didn't realize quite how shameful you were. Yusuf Things are not how they look. Abdul Things do not look good, son. Yusuf Don't just a book by it's cover, Father. That's what you taught me. Abdul When a book is called "Guns, Drugs, Hookers, and No Pants", I think I don't need to read it. Yusuf Poppa, you know, these people... they mean nothing to me. In fact, they are just going. Go, get out. You, Mr. Lewis, take your wife, Mrs. Lewis. And may I say, madam, this is not a very appropriate way for a married woman to dress. [shoving them toward the door] I told them many times, Father, this is a disrespectful way to dress. Do they listen to me? Oh no, never! And you, by the way- [whispering to Luis] I will text you in about one minute about the tank, okay? Luis The NOOSE tank? Yusuf Shhhh. Go and leave right now! And don't you dare come back without, uh... uh... knocking first. [Luis and Jonelle exit.] Yusuf These people are a disgrace, Poppa, but I tell you, moving swiftly on, you will be proud of my plans I want to show you for the Imperial Amir Towers. I tell you, Poppa, 'magisterial' doesn't do justice to it! Luis Yusuf? Yusuf [whispering] Luis, I think i can give old padadap the slip. Meet me in Star Junction. Luis Really, bro? Yusuf I'm coming, dada. Just hold on. [whispering] See you soon, my friend. Yusuf Come on, man. Get in. You fly, man. I'm getting cramp. Yusuf We got to intercept this NOOSE tank. They're airlifting her across the city. Luis Where's your father, then? Yusuf Dada's meeting some bankers in the Exchange. Luckily for us, this stuff is too 'serious' for Yusuf to be invited. He thinks I'm waiting for him in the lobby. Luis Parents, man. Yusuf Tell me about it! They think they can run your life. I'm old and ugly enough to take care of myself. Luis Ugly? Yeah. Old? Sure. The 'taking care of yourself' bit, I don't know about that, bro. Yusuf Maybe you're right, I don't have the means. If only he gave me a few billion I could really call my own, then maybe I would grow up. Luis I feel the same way, bro. Yusuf They're airlifting the tank across town. Let's intercept the bitch. Luis Glad you could make it out of your daddy's warm embrace. Yusuf Shit, man, so am I. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Even if Poppa does hold the purse strings, so to speak. Luis He gonna cut you off? Yusuf Never! Impossible! Not when he sees everything I have achieved here in Liberty City. Luis A coke habit? Maybe some venereal disease? Is that what you call an achievement? Yusuf This is ridiculous. You think that is all I have done? Have you not seen the site? The foundations to our Empire? Luis Really, bro, you actually been working? Yusuf Of course. Of course. I mean, this is work, isn't it? Luis Ummm... I don't know about that, bro. Maybe. Yusuf What is that chopper? I haven't seen one before. So powerful! Luis Before you think about stealing one, man, it's just an air crane. You can buy them real easy. Yusuf Can you now? Don't worry, man. I got these controls again. Yusuf Luis. You got it. Luis Yeah, bro. But the cops are all over me. Yusuf Good thing you're in a motherfucking tank! Luis It's just a NOOSE tank, bro. Yusuf Who gives a shit, player? Bring her back to the site. Just don't have an army of LCPD trailing you back when you do. Clear those shitheads off. Luis Hey, I'll try. Luis Yusuf, bro, where you at, man? Yusuf Over here, man. Luis Where? Yusuf Up here, motherfucker! Shit, stand back while I pick this thing up. Luis Okay, man. Yusuf Thanks for everything, bro. You're a fucking diamond. Luis Don't mention it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FOR THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING (#ya4) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Luis Yusuf. Yusuf Luis, my man. Luis How's things, bro? Yusuf Not that great. My father, he is a very passionate and angry and very disrespectful man. But listen, can you come and meet me at the construction site? I have something to discuss. Luis Yeah, okay, man. I'll try to come by. Yusuf Yo, nigga! Luis Would you shut the fuck up, man? What's wrong with you? Yusuf Yo, yo, yo, easy, amigo. I'm just pleased to see you. Come on baby, give me some skin! Come on. Luis What are you doing here? Yusuf Well, you know, it's my father... Uh... hey, you know my ancestors, we built the pyramids baby! We built the ziggurats. They invented math and shit. I'm here, I'm not afraid, I can get my hands dirty, I can work. Luis Whatever, man. How's it going? Yusuf Epic, homie. This shit is epic. People will write a bible about this shit in the future, baby. I'm talking luxury on a whole new level. This place is going to be so expensive, people won't even be able to afford it. It's going to be drowned in gold, y'know, it's like "yo, yo, is that a diamond in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me', and shit. Y'know, the sales sheet's going to say, "The impossible dream. Priceless indulgence. Style by Yusuf Amir. A timeless classic. Timeless classic!" Luis Yeah, sounds perfect, man. Just what the people want right now. But... what are you doing here? Yusuf I'm crafting this whole thing with my bare hands. Luis Okay, cool man. Listen, it was good catching up with you, okay? I'll see you soon. Yusuf Hey, not so fast, homie. Yo, could you give me a ride to my helicopter? I could tell you something on the way. Luis But I thought you was busy building the pyramids? Yusuf All work and no play makes Yusuf a dull boy. Come on, baby, it'll be fun. Yusuf Slight change of plan, I'll get the chopper later. Head out to the east side of the Algonquin Bridge, homie. Luis What you after this time, man? I got you that tank thing and the chopper - what now, you want the Statue of Happiness for your back yard? Yusuf Excellent idea, my friend, but that will have to wait. Luis Alright then. What we after? Yusuf Wait for it. Luis I'm waiting. Yusuf You ready? Luis Just fucking tell me, bro! Yusuf A motherfucking subway train! Oh yeah, baby. The prize of the fleet. The assfucking flagship of the LTA. Give it up! Luis What you want a subway train for? Yusuf We're taking that shit out to the Gulf for a new Liberty City themed development out there. Check this out, a genuine LTA submarine train! Get that shit going through a precious and delicate coral reef! Ah! Perfect. Luis Aside from how fucking dumb that sounds, how am I supposed to take that thing? Yusuf Not going to be easy, dog. No one likes people fucking with their public transport in this paranoid age. Luis Can't you just buy yourself a subway car, bro? Yusuf No, man, shit. We need the genuine article, the real deal. You think we could put the Amir name to anything but authentic shit? Luis Yo, how am I supposed to pull this off? Yusuf Okay, we just need the front car of the train. You jump on board, you climb to the front, and you unhook the car. I'll handle all the rest. Real simple, man. Luis I don't know why I hang out with you, bro. Yusuf 'Cause you fucking love this shit, homie. Ain't nothing like rolling with this Arabic bad boy. That and I'm going to put your clubs on the world stage. We'll have a lounge on the moon by the time we're done. For real. Luis Dios Mio. I can't believe I'm doing this. Yusuf Believe it, baby. Pinch yourself. You ain't dreaming. This is no film. The city is our playground, homie. Luis If it's our playground, how come I'm the only one getting dirty? Shit. Yusuf I'm gonna look after you. You and Tony, your problems, man, Yusuf can make them go away. Luis You better be able to, bro. 'Cause you about to owe me big time. Yusuf I hope you got your work shoes on. Luis You got some exercise plans for me, Yusuf? Yusuf Damn right, motherfucker! How you feel about helping this Arabic son of a bitch steal himself an LTA subway car? Luis What? Yusuf You heard me. A genuine Liberty City subway car. Ever since I played with my golden train set as a child, I have always wanted one and now we're gonna get it. Luis You fucking crazy, you know that? Yusuf They called Michelangelo crazy, but he invented the wheel and who's laughing now? Luis I ain't. Yusuf The train is not just for me. It will be the centerpiece of a new Liberty City themed development in the Gulf. There might even be room for a Maisonette 9 franchise there. How about it? You, Tony Gayer and a camel getting all velvet rope on some Arabic shit. Luis Okay, shit, if I do help you, what's the plan? Yusuf That's my boy! There's the reason you're my main hombre. Okay. You just need to jump on the train, climb to the front, and unhook the lead car. I'll take it from there. Luis Sounds real simple. Yusuf Of course it is. I have this shit calculated to the hundredth decimal fucking point. Nothing can go wrong. Luis Why do I struggle to believe that? Yusuf Cynics don't build pyramids, man. You got to believe. Tell me you believe, Luis. Tell me you fucking see it - me and you riding in our very own subway train through a tuneel made of models on a track made of gold. Luis I see myself getting cut in half or locked up, bro - that's what I see. What the fuck am I getting into, man? Shit. Yusuf I wish I was coming with you, man. I'd be one crazy motherfucker on that train. Luis Be my guest, bro. You jump on the train and I'll put my feet up. Yusuf The plan doesn't allow for that, homie. Disappoints me as much as you. Probably more. Inside, I am crying. I'm gonna look after you. You and Tony, your problems, man, Yusuf can make them go away. Luis You better be able to, bro. 'Cause you about to owe me big time. Yusuf Here's the spot! Get in position above the tracks, man. I'll see you soon. Yusuf Here I come, baby. You better be gripping tight. [He clamps onto the car.] Yusuf We have liftoff, motherfuckers. Luis Fuuuuuck. Yusuf Greatest heist in Liberty City history. Look at us, man! We're the biggest pimps in the city. Luis Just get me on the fucking ground! Yusuf Arab money, bitches! Fuck yeah! [He flies low to the ground and Luis gets off.] Yusuf I fucking love you, man. I love you. See you later. Luis Have fun with it, you crazy fool. Luis Yusuf. You staying out of trouble, man? Yusuf You better believe it, bro. Totally guilt free. It's business, business, business with me. Luis Yeah, why's that make me think you're about to ask me to do some dumb shit? Yusuf What do you take me for? I'm a giver, not a taker. I don't need anything from you. I wanted to make a gift of my car to you. It's a special machine, but what you have done for me recently is more special. Luis Thanks a lot, bro. You didn't need to do that though. Yusuf No, I did. There is a little bit of fun for you in the glove compartment. I think you will enjoy it. Luis Alright, man. I'll check that out. Yo, and thank you again. Yusuf Luis. Hello, my friend. Did you like the car? Did you like the other gift? Luis The gun? Fuck me, bro. Yusuf Solid gold! Only the best for you, Luis. It makes a statement, doesn't it? Luis Shit, it sure does. Thanks a lot, Yusuf. Yusuf We are brothers. It is nothing. I've got three more myself. See you soon, my friend. That APC motherfucking NOOSE tank thing is available at the building site, dog. Try shooting up some shit other than seagulls, you crazy motherfucker! -Yu$uf ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- GOING DEEP (#rbu1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Luis Hello? Bulgar We met at your club. I am Ray Bulgarin. Luis Oh yeah. You're the Russian who was talking about coke, hookers, and corpses. Yeah, I'm sorry we couldn't accommodate. Bulgar I did not take you for the sensitive type. I am spending some time here while I catch up with some friends, and I need help with some things. I am told you are the man to talk to. Luis Listen, man, I got a real busy schedule. Bulgar This is not an opportunity you want to miss out on, especially as I hear that Gay Tony Prince's ship is sinking. Luis Yeah, I don't know where you heard that... Bulgar Just come to my house, we will talk. Luis Yo. Mr. Bulgarin here? [Timur gestures him inside.] Bulgar [to phone] Double it! Offer twenty million and then we see if it is not for sale... If this painting is not hanging on my wall, your head will be. Okay? Think about that. Timur You want I should pay visit to his children at their school? Bulgar Not yet - I think there is always a price in this city. Ah, Luis, excuse us. We have been rude. Luis Don't worry about it, man. I like the setup here. Timur These guitars are all collector's items - celebrity rock memorabilia. Luis Okay, man. Good for you. You got a nice place here, Mr. B. Bulgar It is piece of shit. I bought it for my sister. Galina [shouting from second floor] Hey! You bring me to this fucking country and you keep me in an ugly cage. No one on TV lives in fucking Dukes. Then you come and move all my stuff into hallway and fill place with fucking guitars. Bulgar Shut up, bitch! Take your pills! A friend of mine is here! Galina Ha! You don't have any friends. You don't even have a business here. You are nothing in this country. Bulgar My sister, she is still getting adjusted. We all are. Luis So, how can I help you? Galina Fuck you, Ray. You have ruined my life! Bulgar Yes! Yes! [to Luis] A difficult situation. It seems I am being investigated by the National Office of Security Enforcement. There is a particular unit that has a 'hard-on' for me. And why? Because Marki Ashvilli won't sell me The Rampage. You will get rid of them. I will own this fucking team. Luis Hey, the problem ain't just gonna disappear over here if we kill some crooked cops. Bulgar Leave the strategizing to me. If the money tells you to cut your fucking leg off, you will do it. Because the money is better than the fucking leg. The money is making the plans. That's the American way. Luis Alright, man. Bulgar Thank you. I like you. I make you rich. I make you man. Maybe I make you man with one leg, but I make you rich man with one leg. There is this team are tracing a car of mine. Take out the whole team, no exceptions. Luis Okay, man, if that's what the money wants. Bulgar You bright guy, Luis. I still like you. You made a good choice coming here. Fag man, no good. Go. Roll the bitch! Bulgar Take us to the basement parking lot, in the Middle Park East. Bulgar It is good to have you with us, Luis. Luis Yeah? Bulgar Yes. It must be nice for you to get out from under big Tony. Luis I don't know what you're implying, bro. Tony and me are partners. I got a stake in the enterprise. Bulgar A stake. Sure. You still take orders from him, don't you? You clean up his shit? Luis, you could be much more than that. Unless you enjoy working for such a man? 'Partner', or whatever you call it. Luis Really, bro? I don't know. When I was left to my own devices, I got locked up. At least with Tony's guidance, I ain't doing time. Bulgar Perhaps. For now, perhaps. But do you think you are achieving everything you could? A man with your talents, in your condition, you could have anything you want. I didn't get where I am without being able to see the worth of men. Luis That's real flattering, Mr. Bulgarin, but whatever it is you're offering, I'm gonna have to decline. Me and Tony's is a business relationship. He gets his kicks elsewhere, but he's been a good boss to me, and a good guide. Helped me out. Bulgar I am not a fucking faggot! Luis Whatever you say, bro. But what are you talking about? Bulgar I was saying that I may be interested in investing in your potential. Luis Potential as what? Bulgar As a businessman. I am looking for someone here in Liberty City with the correct relationship. Luis I already got one employer. Like I said, he's been good to me. Bulgar Of course. But what is he? He is a drug addict, a madman. You are useful to him, but you think that is all he wants from you? Hah! When some new muscle-bound pretty boy comes along, he will forget about you, and your precious stake in the Tony Prince empire. Luis Whatever, bro. Can we talk about something else? What am I doing here? Bulgar You are helping me with my business. Luis This don't seem like legitimate business to me, man. Bulgar Nothing can be achieved here in Liberty City with Ashvilli's pigs rooting through my affairs. For anything to happen, they must be eliminated. Luis Okay, man. You really can't buy these people off? Bulgar Sometimes a price is more effective if paid out of lead, not gold. This is the first lesson I will give you. Luis Okay. Bulgar I am glad we have this opportunity to get to know each other, Luis. Luis Oh yeah? Bulgar Yes. It is important that one knows those he employ intimately. Luis Shit, bro, just 'cause I got a gay boss don't mean I'm gonna get intimate with you. And if I was, it would not be on our first date either. Bulgar Very funny, but, I don't think you realize the magnitude of your insults, so I will let them slide. I am not a man to be mocked. Luis Alright. Rewind a second. What you mean, "employ"? I'm already in business with Tony. Bulgar And where has that got you? Apart from up a few models' skirts, I mean. The money I have can open those legs more readily than your bottle service can. Luis I'll tell you where it's got me, it's got me off the street. Before I met Tony, I was a no hoper. I'd probably be in for life by now. Tony's given me every opportunity I ever got. Bulgar Until now? Luis Maybe. Bulgar There is a point where you will not be able to gain anything from him, understand? Where you will outgrow him and he will begin to hold you back. Perhaps this time has already came. Luis I don't think so, bro. Not yet. Tony and I are partners. I'm gonna bring him with me wherever I go. Bulgar How sweet you are. Pathetic. This is not possible, and I think you know it. What are your dreams, Luis? What do you want to be? Luis I don't wanna be no rock star like you guys seem to. That what you asking? Bulgar No, it is not. I am informed that you used to have a reputation as a fighter. Luis I can handle myself. But you can only fight for so long until you run into the wrong guy, and then it ain't pretty. Bulgar You don't want to go pro? With the money behind you, no one would dare to beat you. Luis Pro fighting's a joke, bro. May as well be a wrestler if you want to join the circus. Bulgar I used to wrestle. I was in academy as a boy. Luis Timur, man, check this out. You diss my boss for being gay and yours went to wrestling school? Gimme a break, man. Timur I do not understand the joke. Bulgar Is not funny joke. What is problem with wrestling academy? Luis Shit, look man. I don't wanna be no wrestler. This hospitality shit, this is my thing now. I know people and people know me. I can get things done in this town. Bulgar That is why you are the person I need with me, but you must be loyal to me alone. Luis That's a bit of a problem, bro. I ain't fresh off the boat, this is my town. I don't come alone. Tony's my business partner, bro. I ain't just leaving when a better offer comes along. Bulgar You say this now. We will see if your mind is changed. Luis Hey man, what's up? Tony What do you mean, "what's up"? Where are you? Luis Look, man, I-I'm, taking care of some personal business. I'll come to see you later, okay? Tony I'm cracking up here, Luis. Hurry the fuck up. How long are you going to be? Luis I dunno, man. I-I-I gotta go. Bulgar Your master calls? Luis Yeah, man. Bulgar I see. And does he know that you are here with us? Luis No. Bulgar Interesting. Luis I guess so. Bulgar Now, Things are about to get hot in here. Luis No doubt. Bulgar Now, Luis, we see if you can handle yourself. Luis Don't worry about me. I'd prefer we weren't taking on the National Office of Security Enforcement, but that's a different matter. Bulgar This is them. Wait for it. Bulgar Excellent! Excellent! Marki's cocksuckers burned! Timur I still have smell of meat in nose. Luis Bro. Timur Is true. You are one who blew them up. Bulgar That you did, Luis. A serviceable job. Most competent. Luis How'd I get myself into this shit, man? Bulgar You didn't get yourself into this. I choose you. I picked you out because I see potential in you. You are lucky to be here. Luis Yeah, great. Thanks. But if you need more cops taken out, crooked or otherwise, you ain't choosing me. Bulgar Look at this. The sensitive modern American male. You need to go home and exfoliate your balls? May as well cut them off. Luis What the fuck is this? I don't like killing government agents so I ain't got no balls? Gimme a break. Bulgar Okay. Calm down. We got no more law enforcement to expunge. For now. Those were the only guys Marki had on us. Timur You think he will sell? Bulgar He has no choice but to sell. We have taken away his protection. Luis It's that simple, is it? Bulgar It should be. Marki is a weakling. He lives here in exhile, like all cowards. But he has been here a long time, so he has bought connections that others of us have not been able to acquire. This little trip should have severed a good deal of those connections, and will give others involved a pause before they continue their association. Luis Okay. Bulgar Perhaps I will buy clubs off you as well. You sell them to me? Luis Them clubs is leveraged to the max already, man. I don't know if there's anything left to sell. Bulgar I don't care about other investors. They will forget about doubts if I am involved. Luis Some of these investors aren't the type to go away. They aren't the type to pay off, either. Anyway, it's not my place to sell them. I have a stake, but Tony's got the controlling share. Bulgar Of course. Tony pulls the string and the little puppet man dance for him. Let me know when Tony next has hand up your ass and ventriloquist's dummy can talk. Luis Fuck, man, what's wrong with you? Bulgar Your stake is bullshit. You think you run the club, but are still just security. You are Tony's gimp and you won't admit it. Luis It's not like that. Bulgar This what you want to do your whole life? Luis No, but seriously, bro... Bulgar I have opportunities for you. Think about them. Luis I can't believe we just took out a whole NOOSE team. Bulgar The city will be safer place without their corruption. Timur At least you don't have to clean up the mess. Bulgar They will be scraping them off the wall for weeks. Timur Human graffiti. [laughing] Bulgar Ashvilli will see what happened to these men. It is a lesson to all those who have welcomed him here. Luis Okay, man, you sent your message. Who is this guy? Bulgar He is a traitor to our country - a worm. He uses his position here to keep back all those who are still involved in the East. I am trying to buy him out of every position he holds. Luis And if that don't work? Bulgar We will do what we did in the garage. Boom boom. Bye bye. Luis You mind my asking why a man of your means still gets his hands dirty like this? Bulgar It is important to keep an eye on your people. Luis But you trust Timur, right? Bulgar I trust no one. Luis Is that it, then, you just too paranoid to let someone else get nasty? Bulgar Why would I pay someone to have all the fun? Luis If this is what you call fun, then fair enough. Bulgar You don't get a kick out of it? It does not get your dick hard? Luis I'm gonna be honest, I kind of prefer a hot girl and a bottle of wine to a gun fight with the terror squad. Bulgar Then maybe you a fag. I thought you were heterosexual one in partnership. Luis These gay jokes ain't gonna stop, are they? Bulgar Maybe they will. Luis Oh yeah? Bulgar It is easy. You come on board with us. You leave your fag master. He is an embarassment. Luis Tony has some tough times, but he ain't no embarassment. He used to be the coolest guy in this city. Ran things. He's still relevant. Bulgar Yes. "Once upon a time." Is an ancient memory. Now he is a pill popping joke. Luis Hey, don't say that about Tony, man. I can't have you talking shit about him. Bulgar This is what the world sees. This is what they think of when they see you. Timur True, true. Bulgar You have an opportunity here. I would like you to think about what you can become without this weight around your neck. Luis Hey, I owe my life to Tony. Bulgar I just want you to think about it. Do that for me. Luis Yeah. Maybe, man. Bulgar Okay! Bulgar Think about what I said to you. The offer will not be there forever. Luis Okay, I will. Bulgar Send my regards to big Tony. Luis Hey Tone, what's happening, bro? Tony Besides my life falling apart in front of my eyes, not much is happening... 'bro'. Someone told me they saw you driving around with some Russians. What the fuck are they? You gone over to the dark side? Luis Really? That's funny, man. Your friend must have been mistaken. Tony Okay. Of course. Shit. The stress is really getting to me. Luis Calm shit down, T, and don't take it out on me. I'll be by soon. Take care of yourself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DROPPING IN (#rbu2) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Timur is playing on the guitar. Bulgarin turns it off as Luis walks in.] Bulgar Welcome. Welcome to the party. Sit down. Sit down. Luis Sure. Bulgar Can I get you anything? A drink? [he drinks] Something stronger? Luis I'm cool, bro. Bulgar You know how to play the drums? We need a fucking drummer. Luis I ain't your man, bro. Sorry. Bulgar You Spanish have the rhythm. Give us fucking beat, man. You don't drum, but you dance, don't you, Luis? You dance? Luis I can dance, man, but not with you and him. Bulgar That's a shame. Luis You dance, Mr. B? Bulgar Money doesn't dance. The money doesn't dance, my friend. Luis Okay, but you need some work done. Bulgar Wait, wait, listen... [Bulgarin turns it back on and Timur continues playing.] Bulgar Ah this is it. This is it! Luis Hey, can you ask the ape to stop playing for a second? Timur You want I should stick fifty thousand dollar guitar up your ass? Luis No, but I got some friends I could introduce you to if that's how you get your kicks. Timur Oh, funny guy. Bulgar Alright, alright. Okay. You have heard about Liberty City Rampage? The owner still will not accept my offers. I have been more than reasonable. Luis You mean after you killed his special team of cops? That's weird... You want me to negotiate with him? Bulgar No. The time for negotiations is over. Do what needs to be done in his boardroom. Send a message. Luis Hey, I ain't a hitman, bro. I mean, I'll fight anyone, do anything, but I ain't a contract killer, bro. Bulgar Their offices are in the MeTV buildings. Getting in will not be easy. Luis You'll have to find someone else, man. I mean, I'm not qualified for that shit. Bulgar I'm sorry. I wasn't discussing your career development. I was telling you what to do. Now, fuck off and go. Timur Wait up, asshole. We go to heliport in Fishmarket South. Luis Hey, I'm sorry to break up your party, man. You looked like you were having fun. Timur Mr. Ray wanted me to keep watch on you. Make sure you do what told. Luis Hey, I don't need no watcher. Timur Mr. Ray thinks you do. Luis Shit. Timur You think I want be here? Luis Whatever. Timur Okay. Luis So? Timur So fucking what? Luis So, what's up, bro? Timur Fuck off. Luis Chill, man. I'm just trying to converse with you. My job is hospitality and... Timur Your job is kill Marki Ashvilli for Ray Bulgarin. Luis Timur, bro, I like to think I can talk to people. I try to put them at ease, make 'em open up. Timur Sure, they open up when you shoot in their head. You put people in the ground, my friend. You killer like me. That what Bulgarin want you to do, so that what you do. Hospitality is for weaklings. Luis You're hard work, bro. Timur Fuck you. You are hard work. Don't even know what you are. Luis Hey, I know who I am. Sure, I do bad shit, but that ain't who I'm going to be forever. Timur Have heard this forever. Luis Fuck off. Timur You want me to shut up? Good. Luis Good. Great. Total fucking silence from here on in. Luis Hey Timmy, I wouldn't have picked you for a musician, bro. Timur It relax me. Luis Yeah. Helps you chill, does it? You get tense? Timur Only when I hurt people. When I kill them, no, but hurt them, yes, very tense. Luis Shit? Okay. Timur What you do to relax? Luis Me? Women, bro. I'm Dominican, man. Timur Really? They not pain in ass? Luis Maybe you right. In the moment you forget everything else, but then they turn into psychos. Timur When you going to kill fag man, your boss? Luis Tony? Timur Yes. When you kill him? Luis I ain't killing him, man. What gave you that impression? Timur You with us, now. I thought you done with him. You kill him and take over. Luis Definitely not. No fucking way! Timur You want I should do it? You got money? Luis Stay the fuck away from Tony, man. You touch him I'll fucking kill you. Timur Okay, boy. You love fag man. You like him fuck you? Luis I mean it, bro. Stay the fuck away from him. Timur You fucking pussy. Luis Can we just not talk? Is that a problem? Can you shut the fuck up? Timur I didn't want to talk to you in first place. Luis Perfect! Timur Take command of chopper. Take us up over Star Junction. Here, I have headset for you. This is so we communicate when you in building. Luis Just what I always wanted. A hotline to a fucking charmer. Luis Can you tell me what the plan is? Timur Ashvilli office is in MeTV Building. You no going to get in from ground so you come in from above. Luis Out the chopper? Great. Timur Is not so tough. I would do it but there is chance Ashvilli's people come for my family back in old place. Luis And you ain't worried about my family? Timur No. Timur You like to parachute? Luis It's an occupational hazard. Timur What's that mean? Luis It means I don't like doing anything that could easily kill me, but sometimes you got to. Timur This is why you tell Mr. Ray you are not "contract killer"? You scared? Luis I'm not scared, bro, I just don't like it, that's all. Luis Tell me why we can't just land on the building. Timur You think they would not notice chopper landing on building? You must go in silent. Luis Perfect. Timur When you get in building I will give instructions through headset. You kill Ashvilli, send message, and leave building. I pick you up on ground. Luis Sounds real tough for you, tough guy. Ashvil If it was the little Latin girl, I thought she was of age. She looked old for her age, okay? We all have our weaknesses. What is it? Did the Kremlin send you? You fucking piece of shit. Tell me who you are! Timur Mr. Ray will be pleased Ashvilli no more around. Luis Yeah, great. Tell him I'm not his fucking hitman, okay. That's not why I'm hanging with him. Timur I am sorry, Mr. Hospitality man. You do what Mr. Ray says, that's it. I see you soon. Luis Stick your guitar up your fucking ass. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- IN THE CROSSHAIRS (#rbu3) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bulgar Ah, Mr. Luis. Luis Hey. Where's the one man band? Bulgar He's working. Luis Okay. Galina [shouting from second floor] Ray! Hey Ray! Bulgar I have company! Shut up! Galina Don't tell me to shut up! Bulgar [to Luis] So, I heard from some people I know that maybe you have some diamonds for sale? Luis Not me. My boss, Tony. Well, my other boss. Bulgar You got them from the fat cook? Galina Ray! Ray! What are you still doing here anyway? Bulgar I'll stay as long as I like! Galina You think you're a big man. Where's your house on Middle Park East? Where's your big psorts team, huh? Bulgar Shut up, you cunt! Galina Aargh, fuck you, Ray! Bulgar Shut up, you fucking cunt! [He fires an assault rifle into the ceiling.] Luis Hey, man. Is she okay? Galina A big gun makes you a big man, huh? Your thingie was tiny even before the wrestling coach make you take steroids. Mother always said she only had daughters! [Bulgarin fires again into the ceiling.] Bulgar Ignore her, Luis. The diamonds - tell me. Luis I gotta talk to Tony. Bulgar You got to talk to Daddy... I thought I was making you a real man. Not a rentboy. Luis I can't sell what ain't mine, bro, and plus, with all the work I put in for you, I don't really feel like a man yet. Bulgar Okay, soon, man, soon. I want you to cover Timur's back. He is going to talk to some people and I need you there. Luis Okay, man. I got it. But you should chill out, bro. Bulgar Let me decide when to chill out. Go. [Luis answers his phone.] Bulgar You are in position. Do you see a box in front of you? Luis Yeah. Bulgar Open it... Have you opened it yet? Luis No, give me a sec... Bulgar No? Luis Okay, I'm here. Bulgar Do you recognize this man? [He opens the box and the cook's head rolls out.] Luis Shit! Bulgar I believe you partnered with him in a diamond deal. Luis Yo, what the fuck? Is this the guy we bought the ice from? Bulgar You colluded with him to steal from me. Luis Yo, we just got some rocks off him, okay? Look, listen... Bulgar No, you listen. I offered you an opportunity, yet you were plotting against me. Luis Yo, I don't know shit about those rocks. Bulgar But I believe it doesn't matter. I will do everything in my considerable power to drive you and your faggot master from this earth. Goodbye. [A sniper fires at Luis from another rooftop.] Luis Oh, shit! Fucking great. Tony Luis, shit, I've been looking for you. Luis Listen, Tony, I got something to talk to you about. You remember that Ray Bulgarin guy? Tony That Russian gangster? You think he'd lend us the money we need to get out of this shit? He's bad news. I hate to be the voice of reason here, but I don't think we need thank kind of stress in our lives. Luis Yo, man, we already got it. I, ummm, talked to him about some opportunities. And it turns out the diamonds we bought were stolen off him in the first place. He cut that cook's head off. Long story short, he wants us dead. Tony Poor old chef. What were you doing talking to these guys without me, Lou? Luis I'm sorry, I fucked up. Kind of refreshing for me to be the one getting us in shit for once, don't you think? Tony Yeah. A real relief. Luis Listen, man, I told you. I didn't know shit about who owned them diamonds. Bulgar Then maybe you should have asked! Instead you run around this city making a fool of me. You and your faggot boss will be killed for this. I will do everything in my power to... Luis Shit, I think the signal's dropping, man. Later, bro. Bulgar Luis. Luis Ray, listen... Bulgar You fucked with me, Luis. Luis No. Not at all. That's how things seem, but trust me, that wasn't my intention. Bulgar You fucked with me, and now I am going to fuck with you, you little cunt. You are dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! You understand!? Luis No, could you say it again, please? Bulgar Fuck you! Luis I'm still not getting it, what about a third time? Bulgar Cunt! Luis Bye. Luis Yusuf. Hey, man. Yusuf What's up, Luis? Things is good? Luis No, man, they a long way from good. Yusuf Well, how much you need? How much money you want me to throw at this problem for you? Yusuf don't like his main dude unhappy. Luis Cash ain't going to fix this problem, okay. We got a crazy Russian after us and we in some deep shit with some Cosa Nostra morons. Yusuf The Mafia? I've had problems with some union fucks on the site. Sometimes that shit just goes away. Luis Hey, this ain't going, man, and there's nothing you can do. Me and Tony got to find some way to dig ourselves out. Yusuf Don't be too proud, Luis. You ever need something, you call Yusuf, okay? See you round, bro. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LADIES HALF PRICE (#tp11) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Roman Okay, if we walk in confident, we have a good time. Dessie Hey, you on the list? Roman Yes. Brucie No. [at the same time] Dessie Then you're not coming in. Brucie Oh, oh, wait a minute, man. We're relatively important people. We're goin' in, bro! Dessie I don't give a fuck who you think you are. You're not coming in. Roman Come on, man, I'm a VIP. We come here all the time. Luis [walks up] Hey, Dess. Dessie Hey, man. Luis Tony in? Dessie I ain't seen him. Brucie Hey, man! Luis! Bro, could you get us in? Luis Hey, Brucie. Yeah, sure, Dessie - take care of them? Brucie Thanks, man. Roman Keep it cool. Keep it cool. [They walk in.] Roman Man, I'm going to see some vagina tonight! Luis You walked in with one, bro. Roman What? Luis Never mind, man. Roman Hey, so I'm going to get the drinks. Okay. [walks off] Luis Good seeing you guys, man. I gotta go take care of something. Brucie Hey, wait. Listen, can I just say something, man? Listen, can I just say... The way you dealt with Mori, man, I was really grateful. Thank you. Luis Hey, uh, don't mention it, man. Unless you want me to kill him. Brucie Maybe... Hey, listen. You know, you're a lot like me... Yeah. That's right, you're like a lone wolf. An adventurer. Tough, but with a sensitive side. Luis Not really, bro. I like killing for money. Brucie Yes, yes I know, but that's just your thing, man... look, you know... I... err... [tries to kiss Luis] Luis Yo, what's your problem, man? Brucie Nothing! I didn't mean nothing by it. I'm not gay. Luis It's cool, man. Just don't do it again, man. Brucie Hey, I fucked three girls last night, man. One of them can't even walk. I mean, now. She could walk before. She didn't need a wheelchair or anything. Look, I was just checking to make sure you weren't gay, bro. Luis Not a problem, man. I've got to go. Brucie Hey, listen... Tony [enters] Hey, Luis. Come on, man. We gotta go. Let's go. Brucie Alright, man. Peace out, bro! [Tony and Luis walk out.] Luis Thank God you showed up, bro. Tony What? Luis I never thought seeing you would make things feel more heterosexual. Tony I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, sweetheart. Luis Yeah, it's probably best. Tony We're heading over to Fishmarket South. Luis What's happening, T? Tony We're getting Gracie back. She's coming home. Luis You mean taking her back? Or is this gonna be tranquilo? Tony God, I hope so. They're getting the diamonds for her, so they better behave. Luis Shit. Wait a second. Slow up, man. What have the diamonds got to do with Gracie? What the fuck have we got to do with Gracie? Shouldn't her old man be handling this? Tony Apparently the kidnappers have asked for these rocks and we aren't being given much of a choice about it, if you catch my meaning. Luis Oh great. Angry mobsters, kidnappers, maniacs. Sounds like another fun day. Luis Tell me what's up, T. Tony Gracie will soon be free, thanks to us. Luis You don't sound so enthusiastic. Tony The catch is that we've got to give up those diamonds to get her. Luis Fuck me, Tone. After all that shit. I know how much they cost. Tony So do I, believe me. And we wouldn't be doing this if old man Ancelotti hadn't "made me an offer I couldn't refuse". Luis In this day and age? Huh, idiot must think he's in a movie. Tony I know. One man's tradition is another man's worn out cliche. Tony We need to get over to Charge Island, Luis. They're expecting us to dock there. Luis Tony, man. These diamonds... Tony What about them? Luis Yo, man. Ray Bulgarin's claiming ownership and he's got some serious resources. Maybe we should think about handing them over to him. Tony We got two options, Lou. Either we give them to the Russians, and Ancelotti kills us, or we give them to the kidnappers, Gracie lives, and we take our chances with the Russian. Luis Alright, man. Sounds like you got everything figured out. Tony I got nothing figured out. Half the city wants to kill me, but they'll be lucky if they can before I die of a heart attack. Luis Easy, Tone. Luis We ain't gonna have much in the bank after we hand over these dimaonds. Tony The rocks've got us in enough shit. Let's forget about the bottom line for a second. Luis Okay, bro. Tony I mean, you're the one who just got ambushed by some crazy Russians because of them! Luis This is true. Maybe we should be worrying about what Ray Bulgarin has to say about handing over the ice. Tony I don't care what he has to say. We paid for it fair. His beef's with the chef. Luis What's left of him. Luis Last chance, T. You sure you want to hand this stuff over? Tony Sure I'm sure. Her father's going to kill us if we don't. Luis That makes it nice and simple. Tony Yeah, lends a lot of clarity to my thinking. [They walk up to Niko and Packie holding Gracie.] Tony Gracie, you alright? The bastards didn't hurt you, did they? Packie She can't speak. We got a gag in her mouth. Tony Give her back, you animals. She's suffered enough. Packie Hand over the stuff. Tony Hand over Gracie! I'm here for you, sweetie. Packie Hand over the fucking stuff! Niko Alright, calm down. Both of you. Luis Oye, we put the ice in the middle, we walk back. Then you send over the girl. We leave and you pick up the stuff. Entiende? Niko Sure. Show us the goods. [Tony walks halfway forward, sets the diamonds down, and steps back.] Tony Come back to me, honey. Niko Let her go. [Gracie walks slowly over to Tony and Luis. They head back toward the boat and untie Gracie.] Tony You alright? Gracie Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Luis Babe, you okay? Gracie Why didn't you fucking kill them, you fucking nothing? Luis Huh? [There is gunfire in the background and a Russian runs around the corner holding a rifle.] Russian You! Luis Fuck. Go! Go! [Luis shoots the Russian, but another one starts running up.] Luis Fuck! [translated] Get down! Gracie The fucking stowaway's gone. We can go back now and get those cocksucking kidnappers now, you pussy. You're a bodyguard, aren't you? Go back and kill them for me. Luis You don't know half what we been through for you, bitch, so shut the fuck up. Gracie You're a fucking joke. You and that old queen are gonna be done here wh... [Luis knocks her out.] Tony Did you just hit her, Lou? Luis Go back to sleep, Tone. Tony Whatever you did, at least she shut up. Peace at last. Tony What's happening? Luis You got Gracie back safe and sound, Tone. I hope she was worth 2 mil'. Tony You hit her, right? Luis She had a boating accident. Make sure her old man understands that. I don't want to see her again. Tony Okay, sailor. So long.