GameScript Guide - Guide for Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony

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  |      |

Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony
Game Script

Writer: InfernoSD AKA InfernoDragon
Version: 1.00 as of 5/3/10
Copyright: 2010 InfernoSD


I.      Table of Contents               (#toc)

II.     Introduction                    (#intro)

III.    Character Key                   (#charkey)

IV.     Storyline Missions              (#story)
  1.      I Luv LC                        (#tp01)
  2.      Practice Swing                  (#tp02)
  3.      Chinese Takeout                 (#tp03)
  4.      Bang Bang                       (#tp04)
  5.      Blog This!...                   (#tp05)
  6.      Frosting on the Cake            (#tp06)
  7.      Boulevard Baby                  (#tp07)
  8.      Sexy Time                       (#ya1)
  9.      High Dive                       (#ya2)
  10.     ...Blog This!                   (#tp08)
  11.     Not So Fast                     (#tp09)
  12.     Ladies' Night                   (#tp10)
  13.     Momma's Boy                     (#al1)
  14.     Corner Kids                     (#al2)
  15.     Clocking Off                    (#al3)
  16.     Kibbutz Number One              (#mk1)
  17.     This Ain't Checkers             (#mk2)
  18.     No. 3                           (#mk3)
  19.     Caught With Your Pants Down     (#ya3)
  20.     For the Man Who Has Everything  (#ya4)
  21.     Going Deep                      (#rbu1)
  22.     Dropping In                     (#rbu2)
  23.     In The Crosshairs               (#rbu3)
  24.     Ladies Half Price               (#tp11)
  25.     Party's Over                    (#rp1)
  26.     Departure Time                  (#tp12)

V.      Random Character Encounters     (#rndchar)
  1.      Daisy                           (#dc1)
  2.      Arnaud 1                        (#arnaud1)
  3.      Arnaud 2                        (#arnaud2)
  4.      Margot 1                        (#margot1)
  5.      Margot 2                        (#margot2)

VI.     Contact Info                    (#contact)

VII.    Credits                         (#credits)

VIII.   Version History                 (#version)

IX.     Legal                           (#legal)


This document is a listing of all the major dialogue in GTA IV: The Ballad of
Gay Tony. All the cutscenes, driving dialogues, phonecalls, emails, and other
conversations are recorded here. I've chosen to leave out a number of elements
including fighting insults, mission failure convos, and various others; the
game is packed full of them, and they'd do little more than muddy up the real

Chevrons <> are used to indicate the heading of each item, such as a cutscene
or email, as well as to explain what occurs in the completion of certain
mission objectives. Brackets [] are used (mostly in cutscenes) to explain
characters' actions. Some dialogues come in two variations that I specify as A
and B. There's also a few cases where the player can activate optional

Most browsers have a Find function - press Ctrl + F and enter a search term
from the table of contents, such as "#intro", to go directly to that section of
the guide.

 CHARACTER KEY (#charkey)

Some names don't cut down into an obvious 7-letter-or-less nickname. Here's the
listing of all significant characters in the game, in order of appearance.

Luis    Luis Fernando Lopez.
Reaper  Eugene Reaper, gun club member.
Niko    Niko Bellic, an immigrant from Europe now working as a gun-for-hire.
Packie  Packie McReary, Irish-American criminal working out of Dukes.
Derrick Derrick McReary, Packie's brother.
Michael Michael Keane, AKA St. Michael, a hood working for the McRearys.
Tony    Anthony Prince, AKA Gay Tony, owner of two nightclubs and Luis's boss.
Rocco   Rocco Pelosi, member of the Ancelotti mob, debtor to Tony.
Vince   Vincenzo, Rocco's uncle.
Troy    Doorman at the nightclub Hercules.
Dessie  Doorman at the nightclub Maisonette 9.
Margot  An ex-girlfriend of Luis.
Evan    Evan Moss, Tony's boyfriend.
Mando   Armando Torres, close friend of Luis.
Rique   Henrique Bardas, close friend of Luis.
Adriana Adriana Yanira Lopez, AKA Mami, Luis's mother.
Yusuf   Yusuf Amir, immigrant from Dubai, multi-billionare property developer.
Billy   Billy Grey, leader of The Lost Motorcycle Club.
Gracie  Gracie Ancelotti, daughter of mafia don Giovanni Ancelotti.
Roman   Roman Bellic, Niko's cousin.
Bulgar  Rodislav or Ray Bulgarin, powerful Russian crime lord from Europe.
Timur   Bulgarin's right-hand man.
Sharon  Sharon Morton, possible friend of Rocco or Tony.
Cook    The cook aboard The Platypus ship.
Johnny  Johnny Klebitz, member of The Lost biker gang.
Monique An ex-girlfriend of Luis.
Maurice Bouncer at Bahama Mamas.
Vic     Vic Manzano, owner of Bahama Mamas.
Ahmed   Yusuf's close friend.
Tahir   Tahir Saeed, another associate of Yusuf.
Celeb   The Celebinator, renowned internet blogger.
Isaac   Isaac Roth, Jewish mobster and diamond dealer.
Mori    Mori Green, Isaac's partner.
Santo   Mr. Santo, loan shark to whom Adriana owes money.
Papi    Dealer that Armando and Henrique associate with.
Brucie  Bruce Kibbutz, auto enthusiast and entrepreneur.
Abdul   Abdul Amir, Yusuf's rich father.
Galina  Galina Bulgarin, Ray Bulgarin's sister.
Jerry   Jerry Kapowitz, Vietnam War veteran and hobo.
Daisy   Daisy Cash-Cooze, debutante from London.
Arnaud  Frenchman visiting Liberty City.


 I LUV LC (#tp01)

Reaper  [whispering] Hey. Yo! I'm a gun club member. I'm gonna take these
        rookies downtown. Are you with me? Hey, what's your name, son?
Luis    It's Luis, man. I don't think that's such a good idea.
Reaper  Yeah? They said catching that pass in my high school championship
        football game was a bad idea cause I broke my leg in thirteen places,
        but.. I scored a touchdown and won the game. The world was built out of
        bad ideas, my friend.
Derrick The PE4 has been molded and is set to explode in sixty seconds. Now
        listen people, we're your friends. Me and me brother, here...
Packie  Why're you telling them we're brothers, you idiot? That's gonna make it
        hard for them to find us, isn't it?
Derrick Trying to be honest with these people, we've put them through a lot
Packie  Fuck these people, fuck your cause. That shit's over. Ireland's not the
        only thing that's green, dollars are too.
Derrick Now you've said bloody Ireland, that's gonna narrow the search ain't
Packie  Fuck you! Take the needle out your arm then tell me what to do.
Derrick I'll let you tell me what to do when you stop shoving half of Bolivia
        up your nose every Saturday night.
Reaper  Motherfucker! [gets up and shoots Michael]
Derrick Fuck!
Packie  We told you not to fuck with us! [shoots Reaper] Shit! Michael! Saint
        fucking Michael!
[The PE4 explodes at the vault.]
Packie  Fucking shit, get the money. Me and my brother will watch the kids.
Luis    [to self] Diablo, que mierda... Shit.

Luis    Like I said man, everything's a little fuzzy.
LCPD    Well, if you think of anything else, Mr. Lopez...
Luis    Yeah, sure, sure, I'll give you a call.
LCPD    Thanks.
[Luis takes his card, then drops it as he walks up the street.]
Luis    Yo, what's up, Papi?
Vendor  Hey! [handshake]
Luis    You good?
[He continues walking, dials phone.]
Luis    [to phone] Hey, Tony it's me... Yeah, there was a problem at the bank.
        Place got robbed. Nothing to do with me, I swear... Um, some Irish
        guys. Anyway, uh- listen, I'm coming over, okay? So wake up... You hear
        me? Wake up.
[Continues walking, phone rings.]
Luis    Hello. Hey mami, como esta?... Yeah, I'm sorry, yeah- no, I was working
        late at the club... Yeah. Mami, don't be like that. Okay?... I'll be
        home soon... Look, I gotta go... Okay.
[He presses the button on door phone.. thing.]
Tony    Who the fuck is it?
Luis    It's me, Tone.
Tony    Whatever. Come up.
[Luis walks up to Tony's place.]
Tony    Oh, how are you?
Luis    I'm good, boss. How are you? You look terrible?
Tony    That's good, because I am terrible. Fucking wretched.
Luis    What's wrong?
Tony    Oh, the usual. Boyfriend thinks I'm a cash machine. One nightclub
        catering to the rich mindless crowd in a city where the rich mindless
        crowd is suddenly poor and mindless. Another club catering to the gay
        and decadent crowd when the gay and decadent crowd suddenly think
        decadence means buying outrageous new throw cushions  instead of
        getting loaded in a bar, and every half-wit, part time hood in the city
        thinking, 'I know, let's put the squeeze on the club owners... They
        must really want to substitute my inadequacies with their money
        because, after all, they wanna stay up all night talking bullshit to
        morons because they enjoy it.'
Luis    That sounds pretty usual.
Tony    Thanks for the support.
Luis    That's what I'm here for, boss.
Tony    Yes, you know, if the bodyguard/business partner thing doesn't work
        out, you should consider a career as a fucking life coach.
Luis    A what?
Tony    Nevermind. Did you speak to Troy?
Luis    Yeah, he said he loves you, but he can't handle working the door of a
        gay club anymore. Says people are laughing at him.
Tony    Who's laughing at him?
Luis    I don't know - I think the little people stuck in his head, the ones
        stuck in 1955?
Tony    I love those people. And what's up with Dessie?
Luis    Yeah, he says he saw you last night, yeah, and you was holding court
        with that Cloe Parker until 4 am?
Tony    I was?
Luis    Apparently so.
Tony    My God. Forty-five years old and I get my kicks doing blow with
        seventeen year old kids whose only claim to fame is that people know
        better what their vagina looks like than their face. I should be sent
        to prison. Shouldn't I?
Luis    Yeah, most definitely. What's this money? Did you rob your own club?
        Tony, I just went to the bank for you, man.
Tony    I don't want it in the bank!
[Vince and Rocco walk in unnoticed.]
Vince   Hey Tony, the door was open... man, it's easier to get into your
        apartment than into your nightclub.
Luis    Yeah, we have a no guido policy at the club. Here I ain't so sure.
Vince   Oh, I love getting racially abused by a spic!
Rocco   Yeah, who's the fucking taco, Tony?
Tony    My business partner Luis. Gentlemen, watch your language. We're in the
        great melting pot: we're not spics, or guidos, or fags - we're proud
        Americans. Luis - this is Vince and Rocco, relatives of Gracie.
Rocco   And creditors to you. And guess what? We ain't here about Gracie!
[Luis steps toward them, but Goon 1 pulls out a gun.]
Vince   Oh, oh, oh! [takes the wad of cash] Beautiful. That's a start. I guess
        we don't have to beat you two lovers up.
Rocco   Good one!
Vince   See you later. Oh, nice to meet you, muscles.
[They exit, laughing.]
Tony    Fuck - there goes payroll...
Luis    Who the fuck were those two assholes, T?
Tony    Fine men of the cloth. Who the fuck do you think they are? Ancelotti
        goons I borrowed money from way back... never mind. Amateurs. Come on,
        let's get out of here. Let's go.

Tony    We need to go to Hercules.

Luis    Give it up, Tone. Where'd the cash come from? Don't tell me you been
        running a skim job.
Tony    I'm one hundred percent legitimate, Luis. You know me.
        Total transparency.
Luis    Sometimes I wonder if you brought me on as a partner just to share the
        blame when the IRS comes knocking.
Tony    I was investing in your industry and acumen. Don't look for anything
        sinister here.
Luis    That's what you say, T. Pero, I'm kind of suspicious. Maybe witnessing
        that robbery made me paranoid, and maybe it's just hanging out with
        you - who the fuck knows?

Tony    Here we are. [shouting to doorman] Troy, get over here! A very
        important client is coming tonight. We need complete discretion.
Troy    You know me, Tone. Don't ask, don't tell. Military grade.
Tony    Hey, this is serious. He's paranoid no one will buy his next CD if they
        know he'd rather be singing cabaret than rapping. As if people buy CDs
Troy    Sure. Look. I really need to talk to you, Tony.
Tony    Blah. Blah. Blah. Another time, Troy. We'll be at Maisonette.

Luis    Troy's getting anxious.
Tony    We should all be getting anxious. The nightclub business is going to
        shit. Forget the banks, we're the one who needed a bailout.
Luis    No more of that shit left, T.

Tony    Time to be charming, Lou Lou.
[They get out and enter the club.]
Dessie  Alright, Tone. Hey, L.
Tony    I gotta make some calls. You work the floor.

Luis    What's up, Tone?
Tony    I'm told that one of your "friends" is causing trouble out front. Can
        you go help Dessie?
Luis    You know who it is?
Tony    I don't know anything about it, but take care of it, Luis. No nonsense.

Mando   Yo, why you laying your hands on me like that, man? Luis is my boy!
Rique   Luis is his boy.
Dessie  Half the people in here say Luis is their boy; the girls all say
        they're fucking him, I don't care if you're his damn mother, you ain't
        comin' in. Not in them clothes. Not with that attitude.
[Luis walks out.]
Mando   Enjoy looking for a job in this economic climate, motherfucker!
Rique   Yeah!
Luis    Yo, what the fuck, A?
Mando   Tell this clipboard and earpiece motherfucker to back up, I...
Rique   Back up!
Luis    What's the problem, D?
Dessie  You askin' me?
Luis    Yo relax, go inside, I got it.
[Dessie goes inside.]
Mando   Yeah, go relax, go inside, huh?
Rique   Call your mami! You need to go relax.
Mando   Later for you.
Luis    Guys, shut up, okay?
Mando   Wow, downtown's really changed you, man. You're too good to take money
        from me and Henrique now?
Luis    You know it ain't even like that, bro, okay? You don't pay for shit in
        here. Okay, you just can't be looking like you came from selling dope
        on the corner.
Mando   You say that like it's a bad thing.
[Tony passes by.]
Luis    Tony, what do you think?
Tony    Dessie wouldn't let me in dressed like that.
Luis    See what I mean?
Tony    Come to think of it Lou, what the fuck are you wearing, huh?
Luis    What?
Tony    Go home and take a bath. If you do nothing else, put on some clothes,
Luis    Yeah, I had a complicated day, okay?
Tony    Alright, so take some time off, the girls in there could use a night
        off too.
Luis    Cuidate. [handshake]
Tony    Bye-bye, gentlemen.
[Tony heads back inside.]
Mando   Nice boss you got there, stuck up fucking fag!
Luis    Ay, come on.

Mando   I knew that club of yours was bullshit. You gonna take us back to the
        Heights or what?

Luis    Oye, A! I've been thinking about this: how many days a week you work
        those corners?
Mando   Seven days. Junkies need junk rain, sleet, or shine.
Luis    You ain't no postman, Loco, you're a pusher. All those hours. You'd
        make more slinging meat at Burger Shot than risking a bid on them
Mando   You sound like five-o. Shit. You think Henrique could get a job at
        Burger Shot?
Luis    What's your IQ, H?
Rique   Seventy six, motherfucker.
Mando   What they gonna let you do at Burger Shot with an IQ sub eighty?
Rique   They just about to let me wash the god damn dishes.
Mando   You see what I mean, L? They don't even have dishes at Burger Shot. All
        their shit is polystyrene. There ain't another job in the city for this
        dumb bastard to do; hourly wage considered, and all.
Rique   You don't get no pussy working Burger Shot neither.
Mando   If them Ivy League motherfuckers can't find work, what you think Rique
        is meant to do?
Rique   Work them corners, man. Work them corners.
Luis    IQ don't mean nothing, man. You guys are better than this. I don't want
        any of us to go away again.
Mando   Come on board with us. We can start selling our own product. Your
        connections, man, we'll have the whole city on our gear.
Luis    I took a bid for you once, man. I ain't going back there. You think I
        put in all this work to go back inside?
Mando   Prison was the best thing to happen to you, L.
Luis    What the fuck you talking about, man?
Mando   Before you went in there you was a skinny little shit and now you
        pumped up. Don't tell me that sugar daddy of yours woulda been
        interested in the scrawny fucker that went away?
Rique   Little Luis. Little Luis.
Luis    Oh yeah, thank you so much, man. I never thought about being grateful
        to you for signing me up to the "fight off hairy ass rapists day and
        night" exercise plan.
Mando   My fucking pleasure, bro.

Mando   Here we be.
Rique   Thanks, Luis.
Mando   Laters, L. Tell that boss of yours we'll be back same time next week.
Luis    Yeah see you, mama huevos.

Tony    Luis?
Luis    Yeah, it's me, Tone. Things go smooth at the clubs?
Tony    Made me wonder why I need you around at all.
Luis    Oh great. I might just take a vacation then.
Tony    Come on. I was kidding. The clubs fell apart without you. Saw that bank
        robbery on the news. Could have been an opportunity for some positive
Luis    Fuck that shit. I don't need any press like that. Not with the way
        police treat an ex-con in this town.
Tony    Have it your way. See you soon.

[email protected]

Hello stranger!
I haven't heard from you, did you lost my number? Maybe my phone was unplugged
or something. It's been being weird. Listen. Give me a call sometime. Would be
great to hang out again.

Sorry, Margot. I been kind of busy. You take care. Luis.

Things are real complicated right now. Look after yourself. Luis

[email protected]

Hello stranger!
What's up? or as you might say 'Yo, wassup!?' Still haven't heard much from
you. I left a couple of messages. Maybe you didn't get them. Anyway, me and
some friends are meeting up later at the club. Maybe see you there? Be good to
hang out. This guy is there who wants to date me and stuff but he's kind of
annoying. Not like you. Apart from when you don't call back. Which is a bit
rude. Seriously. I'm busy too. I've got a life, a good one. I'm hot. Anyway,
see you later, maybe.
Whatever, Margs.

Look after yourself, Margot. Luis.

Don't think I'm working tonight. Luis

[email protected]

Hello stranger!
Well, I'm sorry. I guess you never got the present I sent, because if you did
and you haven't thanked me, that's just rude. I mean, seriously. Listen, I
don't know what is wrong with you or whatever but come on. I mean, listen, I'm
not a stalker or anything but I thought we kind of had a connection and in this
crazy city, that means something. Do you want to die alone, Luis, because I
think you will. Seriously. You can't treat people like this. I mean who do you
think you are? You an asshole and you're not that well endowed. I faked it. Why
are you doing this to me? Seriously. Why?

Marge, I think you need to chill out. Please can we call this quits?

Please stop mailing me. Forget we ever met.

[email protected]

Hey baby bro,
It's me, how you doing? I miss you! Listen, I know things have been kind of
hard and I know I've been absent and hard on you, and I know Ernesto can be a
prick (is always a prick!) but can you try and keep an eye on Momma. I know she
can be tough, but she needs you. We all away and not doing so much for her and
you all she got. I know she gives you a hard time, but she only wants the best
for you. I hope you doing well and not breaking too many hearts. PS Don't ever
get a job in human resources. People treat you like you need to wipe their

Hey sis, good to hear from you! I try with momma! She just don't like me so
much. All she does is give me a hard time, so it gets kind of hard. Anyway,
hope you and the kids and the white bread man are doing well. Love Luis.

I ain't the one you need to talk to, it's momma! I help her all I can, and she
still gets on me. Love to the kids. Luis.


Could do with some help at Maisonette. Come by during opening hours or I'll see
you at the loft. T xx

Tony    Oh, where the fuck have you been, man?
Luis    Yeah, I came as soon as I could.
Tony    I don't pay for 'as soon as I could'. Sleeping with half the women in
        Liberty City, no doubt.
Luis    What's wrong with you, man? You're acting like an asshole.
Tony    You think I don't know that? You think I like being like this?
Luis    Then what's wrong, T?
Tony    I've fucked up. Good and proper. I work Algonquin nightlife twenty
        years. I beat everyone. Mayors, rivals, drugs, everyone. And this time,
        I've fucked up. I'm the only man in the history of this town with the
        hottest gay and straight clubs at the same time and I am about to lose
Luis    What are you talking about, T?
Tony    I don't know if it's that idiot Evan, or the economy, or this fucking
        cocaine or the pills, which I am not taking anymore, but this time, I
        fucked up. I've done a deal with the wrong devil, man. I am such an
Luis    Things have been bad before, man; I fight, you plot, together we get
        out of it.
Tony    Sure. But we've never been this fucked before.
Luis    Hey, you saved me, man, made me. Gay Tony will always be the king of
        this town. You are this town.
Tony    I sold the business to two different people and they each think they
        own the lot. Man, we're fucked.
Luis    So, I'll go tell them they gave you the money as a present, and if they
        don't like it, I take them to the special VIP room at the bottom of the
        West River.
Tony    It's going to be very crowded in the VIP room. These are not nice
        people and there's a lot of them, and right now, you and me have to go
        play nice with one of them so they don't start sending rent-a-goombah
        into the club. Fuck.
Luis    It's going to be okay, man.
Tony    Yeah, whatever. Meanwhile, there's a- there's this blogger, this
        nebbish with an internet connection, bad mouthing me all over town. Do
        you know this guy? 'The Celebinator'?
Luis    Celebe-what?
Tony    I... whatever... Come on... Alright who's the girl?
Luis    There wasn't a girl, man.
Tony    There's always a girl.

Tony    Head down to the pier. We're meeting Rock at the driving range.

Luis    We doing something for Rocco? The kid who took your money?
Tony    Yes. One of the joys of getting old is being ordered around by people
        below the age of consent in Utah.
Luis    Don't you mean it's one of the joys of borrowing money you can't pay
Tony    He can take my money, blackmail me, put a gun to my head, but if I'm
        caught in bed with him it's me who goes to jail.
Luis    Rocco struck me as an insecure prick, but I didn't think he rolled like
Tony    He doesn't! I don't think he does, at least. Do you think he does? All
        that pent up suburban hard man angst. The fake tan and muscles can be
Luis    Actually, he reminds me of Evan.
Tony    So sue me, I got a type.
Luis    Yeah. Sure. You could call crazy coke addict moron a type.
Tony    You been reading my Lovemeet profile? "Lonely old has-been seeks crazy
        coke head with bulging orange biceps." Enjoy your youth, Luis. You
        don't appreciate it until it's over.
Luis    Oh yeah, I'll look back on these years of getting shot at and helping
        you clean up puke as the best times of my life.

Luis    You know what we're needed for at the driving range?
Tony    I don't actually. The kid might just want some company. Can you blame
Luis    Yeah, I can. I got better things to be doing than babysitting the snot
        nosed prick.
Tony    Really now? Because some of the girls I seen you with, I could swear
        their parents must have signed consent forms.
Luis    Oh, funny shit. One of the benefits of running a club is a thorough ID
        check on any potential interaction.
Tony    Thank the fun police for that little jail dodger. When are you going to
        settle down, Luis? Spreading all that seed of yours has got to get
        exhausting, never mind messy.
Luis    Tone, you mind if we don't discuss my seed and what I do with it? Shit,
        if you and Evan is an example of a long-term relationship, I'm going to
        steer clear.
Tony    What happened to that Margot girl, anyway? She was nice. Or that
        English one, Rose, wasn't it?
Luis    It was Daisy, bro. How you know about that shit, anyway?
Tony    I know everything that happens in the clubs. I may be a washed up old
        has-been, but I pay attention.
Luis    You SEEK attention, I'll give you that.
Tony    Thank you.

Luis    Fucking Rocco! After what happening in Chinatown, please tell me we
        gonna take a nine iron to his legs.
Tony    You think I like running around for that little shit? There was a time
        when the name Tony Prince meant something downtown. If you think I
        signed up to be this boy scout mafioso's stooge with a big grin on my
Luis    Yeah, well, being his stooge's stooge ain't too much glamor neither.
Tony    Money makes a man do strange things. Pussy makes him do stranger
        things, but luckily I'm not susceptible to those perils like you are.
Luis    Toto don't get you killed nearly as much, if recent times is anything
        to go by.
Tony    Don't underestimate it, Luis. The snatch has brought down empires
        bigger than our own.
Luis    You should get some T-shirts made, T. Get out of the nightclub business
        and concentrate on your philosophical sayings.

Tony    Come on. He's in here.

Rocco   Oh!
Tony    Rock. Hey. How are you?
Rocco   There they are. The spic and the fag. Tony, shit, you got burrito
        breath. You ain't been eating Mexican again have you?
Luis    Yo Rock, you've invested in the wrong clubs, man. Maybe Split Sides is
        more your vibe.
Rocco   Oh, baa da boom. I'm sure I woulda found that funny if I spoke spic.
        Real shame, I'll have to ask my maid to translate for me.
Tony    Rock, what do you need?
Rocco   I need you to help me get some information out of this union prick
        who's decided to get an over-inflated opinion of himself. These fucking
        guys, stuck in the 1970s or something.
Luis    Where is he?
Rocco   He's right... down... there.
[Tied to a golf cart is the union official. Rocco hits a ball at him.]
Rocco   Fuck.
Prick   You fucking missed me you, you piece of shit. Fucking prick.
Rocco   Oh, big man?
Prick   Yeah yeah you fuck, you missed me bitch.
Rocco   I'm gonna get down there and go talk to him.
Prick   You missed. You swing like a fag.
Rocco   You hit him with some balls when I tell you to. You think you can do
        that for me, Louise?
Luis    Yeah, I'll give it a try.

Luis    What we doing, man?
Tony    We're keeping our most important investor happy. Just hit it already.

Rocco   Tell us who's causing problems already.
Prick   Alright. Okay. Mel Toblowsky with Libel says he ain't gonna comply.
        He's working down Columbus Avenue.
Rocco   You got more than that. I know it.
Prick   That's it. Let me fucking go already.

Luis    Doesn't Rocco have someone else to hit the batting cage for him?
Tony    You've met the guy, haven't you? I can't imagine he's got too many

Rocco   Gimme the rest of them, you piece of shit.
Prick   Alright, okay, okay, Jack Duffy, with the Transport Workers. He's
        getting fat off the other guys.

Tony    Where'd you learn to play golf, Lou?
Luis    Right here. Right now. Needs must, Tone. To be honest, I never fancied
        the game. I find the clothes you have to wear kind of unflattering.

Rocco   There's got to be more than just those two!
Prick   This is way over your head, dickwad. The head of the LTA is with the
        Messinas. You can't do nothing. You guys are fucked, okay? The Messinas
        are gonna be all over your ass.
Rocco   You think that means shit to me? Fuck you.

Rocco   Fuck. Get down here, Taco!
Tony    Much as it pains me, we better get down there.

Tony    Push it, Lou. Come on. We're nowhere near top speed in this thing.
Luis    Oh really, Tone? When did you become the golf buggy specialist?
Tony    Oh, I don't know. Just get us out of here and shut up.

Tony    How'd we get into this situation?
Luis    Running away from mobsters in a motherfucking golf cart? I think you
        got us here, T. Thanks for that. Death with dignity, nice.

Tony    That was a plesant outing, Rock. Where's that put us with you know
        what? We square?
Rocco   Square? What you borrowed? At those points? You ain't even making a
        dent on the interest. Besides, I'm about to have to do all the messy
        work on this guy myself.
Prick   No! But I-I-I told you shit. I told you everything.
Rocco   I'll see you guys later. [driving away]
Prick   Jesus.

Tony    Let's just head back to the apartment.

Luis    Hey you know, I'm really warming to that guy. Like a bad case of crabs.
Tony    Crabs are easy to get rid of. Believe me on that one.
Luis    Thank you for sharing.
Tony    We're business partners, we share everything.
Luis    The emphasis is on business, bro. You can keep your crabs to yourself.
Tony    Sorry, man, but I really got us in the shit here, Luis.
Luis    Tony, man, you got to calm down. You're really pushing it.
Tony    Yeah, well, if you weren't out chasing tail, and this was a two man
        operation like it should be, then maybe things would be holding
        together, better.
Luis    Oh! I'm getting blamed for this now? Oh of course. Whenever I come to
        the clubs you ask me to run off on some stupid errand like a chump. You
        don't ever let me into the serious shit. And you do deals without even
        telling me. Until it comes time to protect your ass from whoever you
        got your fatwa of the day from.
Tony    Alright. Alright. Maybe I have taken you for granted. I'll change. I'll
        be better.
Luis    Yeah, thank you, but I don't believe it.

Luis    Wow. What a champ. I love that guy.
Tony    Sarcasm. Great. Just what I need right now. The world is crashing down
        around us, the wolves are baying for blood, and the guy who's meant to
        be my rock has become a bitter and cynical prick.
Luis    Shit, I'm sorry. I'll stick to blind optimism. Everything's gonna turn
        out just perfect, because Tony says so, and he never makes mistakes.
Tony    Again with the sarcasm. It's really beneath you.
Luis    Listen, Tone. Maybe you should take a holiday. Get down to Vice City.
        The Caribbean maybe. Let me handle things for a while. At least until
        we get out of this shit.
Tony    You think you're ready for that? You know who to grease when the
        licenses expire, or the city goes on a noise control push, or we need
        to file a tax return?
Luis    I ain't never handled that shit, but it can't be that tough.
Tony    Good idea. Let's have you put us out of business. I may have dumped us
        in the crap but sadly, for you and ME, I'm the only one who knows how
        to keep us from drowning in it.

Luis    Here we are, bro. Rest up okay.
Tony    Listen, Lou, would you mind paying Mori a visit. He says he needs help
        with something. I know he's a bit of a schmuck, but we owe the man
        money and I don't want him anywhere near the clubs.
Luis    I feel you there, T. That guy is a social atom bomb. I'll go see him.


Dessie  Hey, man.
Luis    Hey, bro. Tony in? [handshake]
Dessie  Yeah.
[Luis walks in to Tony's office.]
Tony    [to phone] Mori, Mori - shit, no no, Mori. Mori no - I-I got the money,
        seriously. That's not the issue... No, I just want to make you happy.
        Is there anything else my team can do for you? We do events, parties...
        No, no, anything you like, just give it a think... alright bye-bye.
        [hangs up] What a dick.
Luis    So, what's up, T?
Tony    I don't want to think about what's up. Come on. There's something I
        gotta take care of. Alright, think. Think. Ah, got it.
[Yusuf walks over with a girl on each arm.]
Yusuf   Hey, Mr. Tony! You remember me?
Tony    Of course. Of course. My business partner, Mr. Lopez.
Yusuf   Yusuf Amir. What is up, homie?
Luis    Not much.
Yusuf   Hey, you guys want to join us maybe for uh, a bit of this or a bit of
Tony    Ah, we'd love to, but we've got to go deal with some business.
Yusuf   Okay good. Good seeing you. Take care, huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
        whoa, and if you ever want to talk about franchising this place just
        give me a call.
Tony    We will. We absolutely will.
Yusuf   Aiight! [walks off] Lets go, I'm in the mood baby!

Tony    Head down to Dragon Heart in Chinatown.

Tony    Take this gun, Luis. Just in case.
Luis    Just in case? Yo, this is some sci-fi shit.
Tony    I know a guy who gave me a deal. What can I say, it helps to be
Luis    Tony, man, we're going to Chinatown? Really?
Tony    What? We got business.
Luis    Tony! You know what you're like on the MSG. Those fuckin' headaches!
        You won't leave the house. All for a fucking egg roll? Ay Dios mio.
Tony    Aww, I'm glad you care.
Luis    It ain't that I care, it's that I can't take the moaning.
Tony    Well we're not heading out for dim sum. Rocco's asked us to talk to
Luis    The rent-a-guido pretending to be a gangster? Now I wish we were
        getting takeout.
Tony    Hey, we're in debt to the kid and his uncle and he's got the ear of one
        of the most powerful families in the city. We got to at least pretend
        to play ball.

Tony    I got this gun for you, Luis. It helps to be prepared.
Luis    Yo, we prepared for the apocalypse with this shit, Tony. This is
Tony    Yeah, well, I know a guy.
Luis    Hey I don't get it, T. The clubs are making money, but we always in the
Tony    You think it's easy keeping you in the manner to which you've been
Luis    Me? You're the one keeping the male beauty queen. If there's something
        that might kickstart the economy, it's that guy's spending habits.
Tony    The cocaine economy, maybe. But I don't think those guys are having
        problems to begin with.
Luis    Whatever, bro. Just tell me where the money from the club goes every
Tony    It goes on our debts. We're paying the bank. We're paying that midget,
        Mori. Don't ask me how much the Ancelottis are taking. The staff are
        lucky they get a pay check!
Luis    I'm supposed to know this shit, man. I'm your business partner.
Tony    Shoot me if I like seeing you walk around with a smile on your face. I
        wish I could be blissfully ignorant.
Luis    Oh yeah? Blissfully walking around like a douche.

Billy   In that case, I guess my brother is in good hands. You take care of
        that prick.
Triad   It seems the definition of family loyalty differs in your country.
Billy   The marketplace has a value for everything, and I guess that a disloyal
        Jew bastard ain't worth shit to me. Brother or no brother. Such are the
        heady joys of consumer capitalism.
Triad   A system that's flaws are becoming increasingly evident.
Billy   Ha! That's right, I forgot. You little yellow people are commies too,
        huh? Both sides of the fence? You know, I grew up watching your kind
        get killed on the TV - hell of a show.
Triad   I'm sure, but perhaps the show wasn't as much fun as the reality of
        their war.
Billy   Hmm. Perhaps not. Now, I bid you farewell, sir. And don't do all that
        smack at once. On second though... Y'know, go ahead. Do.
[Luis and Tony walk in as Billy exits.]
Billy   Boo!
Luis    Watch it, you greaseball fuck.
Triad   I apologize for our associate's uncouth manner. I can only say that our
        partnership with him is one of necessity, not of volition. Please, you
        must be the famous Tony Prince.
Tony    Ah. Notorious, maybe. This is Luis Lopez, my business partner.
Triad   Mr. Pelosi has led me to expect much from this meeting.
Tony    Yeah, about that. Rocco has a tendency to promise more than he can
        deliver. He must have been weaned too early.
Luis    Yeah, or not weaned at all.
Triad   As you can see we are already behind schedule on this project. We need
        you to... How do I put this... to 'clear things' with the Planning
        Department and to ease some licensing troubles.
Luis    Hey, look. We're not lawyers. Okay? We run nightclubs. Pretty badly,
        too. We got enough trouble keeping the licenses on our own clubs. Okay?
        We don't do licenses.
Triad   Before I was being polite, Mr. Lopez, but I do not have to be. Mr.
        Pelosi made it clear that you are not in a position to choose who you
        help and who you do not.
Luis    Yeah, well, that kid's got a big mouth, okay? And he ain't in no
        position to be writing checks for us. Okay? We are not going to be able
        to help you. Period. Let's go, Tone.
Tony    Sorry to waste your time, Mr...
Triad   You are not going anywhere until we have an arrangement.
Tony    No, I'm afraid we are. There is no arrangement. You got a problem? Take
        it up with your boy Rocco.
Triad   [pulls out gun] You are not negotiating column inches and bar tabs, you
        insolent fuck! We are serious people?
Luis    Really?
Triad   Yeah. Really.
[Luis kicks the gun out of the Triad's hand and knocks him out.]
Tony    What is wrong with you? I was supposed to be the irrational idiot with
        anger issues.
Luis    I've got anger issues? Okay. The guy threatens to shoot me because I
        can't arrange a        liquor license for him.
Tony    Oh God. Oh shit, they're coming for us.

Tony    Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Can you drive me to my apartment? I need
        to lie down.

Tony    I can't believe we made it out of there. That was worse than spin
        class. My fucking heart.
Luis    Hey, you need to look after yourself.
Tony    I'm soaked through. I must have lost three pounds in sweat.
Luis    Yeah, don't go looking for a bright side. Rocco's big mouth nearly got
        us killed. Fuck! When I get a hold of him.
Tony    You won't do anything, Lou. You'll play it nice. We can use this if
        we're smart.
Luis    We were dumb enough to walk into the death trap for the kid. I doubt
        we're gonna pull brains out of our asses now.
Tony    Leave it to me. You just concentrate on looking pretty.
Luis    Yeah, absolutely, T. You've done such a great job so far.

Tony    I never thought we'd get out of that place. What a fuck up. Jesus.
Luis    That wasn't ever gonna go right. That guido better control his mouth.
Tony    Personally, I blame the Oriental psychopath. He coulda taken it like a
        gent. I can see how dealing with a third in short pants may have pushed
        him over the edge. I'm feeling that way, too. We shoulda just smiled at
        the guy, said we'd do all we could for him, and never returned his
        calls. That's how you treat your admirers, ain't it?
Luis    What you take me for, T? I'm a gentleman.
Tony    Well, if we'd tried that rather than telling the guy "no" to his face
        we may have saved on bullets, dry-cleaning, and therapy bills.
Luis    Yeah, next time, Tony.

Luis    You gonna call Rocco then? Rip him a new one?
Tony    I got a feeling we ain't the only ones who'll be ripping him, Lou. God,
        I need my pills.
Luis    Don't take that shit, T. I'm serious.

Luis    Tone.
Tony    Luis, what's gotten into you? Why haven't you been helping out at the
Luis    You serious? I been running round this city getting shot at by
        assholes, doing hits for assholes, and hanging out with assholes, so we
        can keep these places running. What else do you expect me to be doing?
Tony    Standards have slipped, Lou. We're dead without this revenue stream.
        Just keep an eye on things, okay? Dessie's at Maisonette every night.
        Just talk to him and he'll explain everything.
Luis    Okay, T. Put your feet up. Relax. Enjoy yourself.

 BANG BANG (#tp04)

Evan    [dancing and singing] Here she comes. Watch out boy, she'll chew you
        up. Whoa oh here she comes, she's a man eater. Whoa oh here she comes.
        Watch out boy, she'll chew you up. Whoa oh here she comes, she's a man
[Luis enters and tries to pass, but Evan dances in the way. Luis shuts off the
Evan    What's your problem, man?
Luis    Where's Tony?
Evan    Where's Tony? Where's Tony? What's wrong with, "Hi Evan, you're looking
        cut." "Hi Evan, like a drink?" "Hi Evan, if I wasn't straight I'd
        ravage you right now."
Luis    Evan, where's Tony? He said meet him here.
Evan    Who cares about fucking Tony? The man's a neurotic. He's back on drugs.
        He's looking old. He refuses to get any work done. And PS: the man's a
Luis    Then break up with him for the last time and fuck off out of all of our
        lives. Please.
Evan    Wow, somebody's got his sister's underwear on by mistake.
Luis    Ay Dios mio. Evan, look, I've always thought that, even for a coke
        pushing steroid junkie, you were a particular asshole. Okay, I'm just
        going to admit that. Now would you shut the fuck up before I shut you
        up? Now where's Tony?
Evan    He's in the bedroom.
[Luis goes to the bedroom, where Tony's lying down.]
Luis    Hey Tony, get up.
Tony    Ahh, piss off.
Luis    Come on, get up man, let's go.
Tony    Piss off. I wanna die.
Luis    Okay man, if that's how you want it. [pulls him off the bed] Come on.
        Let's go, let's go. Whoa, over here. Over here. Over here. [puts his
        head in the bathroom sink, pours water over it] Better?
Tony    [coughing] Oh, great.
Luis    Come on, papi. Let's go. This way. This way. Come on.
Tony    Come on? Fuck this.
[They leave the bedroom.]
Luis    You said we had something to take care of. I ain't having you screw up.
Tony    I should have let your parole officer put you back in prison all those
        years ago.
Luis    You're a degenerate.
Evan    What about me? You guys can't just leave me here.
Luis    Yeah, good point. [walks up and headbutts Evan in the face] Now fuck
        off, Evan. You gave him the pills. Be gone before I get back. Let's go.
        Come on, you got it. Let's go.
Tony    I'm good.
Evan    [clutching face] You fucking hetero!
Tony    Oh, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Luis    What?
Tony    I forgot something.
Luis    Forgot what?
Tony    Th... th... the explosives. [picks up a briefcase]
Luis    Explosives? Explosives!? What's wrong with you, man? You run a
        nightclub, not a terror cell.
Tony    Rocco's gone nuts. He's gonna burn the clubs down for insurance. He's
        gonna fucking kill us.
Luis    Yeah, he's gone crazy and you're running around with some bombs, okay.
        What drugs are you on? I hope they're strong.
Tony    I told him I'd take care of his Union problems for him. It's the only
        way out. Either that, or they kill me.
Luis    Yeah, I wish you'd talked to me about this first, man, okay. Blowing
        shit up ain't exactly your side of the business, okay? It's not your
Tony    What do you care about the business? You got your fucking head in the
        clouds. Huh? You think you're a big shot. You're a nothing and soon
        you gonna be a dead nothing.
Luis    Yeah, no doubt, boss. Now, where are you going?
Tony    They got a guy digging up Frankfort Avenue for Liberty Electric.
Luis    Okay. What else?
Tony    The Transport Workers guy is driving an out-of-service subway train
        through North Holland. I'm meant to take the whole thing out.
Luis    A subway train? Jesus Christ. Please tell me that's it.
Tony    The head of the LTA is out at Francis International in his private jet.
Luis    And you'll probably blow yourself up as soon as you walk out the door.
        You ain't doing this.
Tony    I've got to. It's the only way we can survive. Get out my way.
Luis    I'm sorry. As much as I'd like to right now, I'm not letting you kill
Tony    Try and stop me. [puts up his fists]
Luis    Okay. [knocks him out] Shit, Tony. You're a real piece of fucking work,
        you know that?

Tony    Alright Lou.
Luis    Hey Tone.
Tony    Was knocking me out really necessary?
Luis    Were you gonna let me take care of this explosive bullshit, or were you
        gonna insist on blowing yourself up?
Tony    I got us into this mess...
Luis    Exactly, man.
Tony    Thank you, partner. You should know that Evan's walked out on me. We're
Luis    Yeah I heard that before, T. If it's real this time, it's a good thing.
        He's dragging you down, man. He's a fucking parasite. You need to
        concentrate on getting your own life together. See you soon.

 BLOG THIS!... (#tp05)

Troy    Hey Luis, what's up, man?
Luis    Hey, what's up, Troy? [handshake] Tony inside?
Troy    No, he's not here yet. Ah, did you talk to him?
Luis    Who?
Troy    Tony. About me.
Luis    What about you?
Troy    About me working here, man. I can't do it no more. I ain't queer and
        it's doing my head in.
Luis    Bro, you work for a guy whose nickname since 1985 is Gay Tony. Why do
        you give a fuck?
Troy    Because I want to be married, man. You know? I want to have a nice
        life. I want a picket fence in Alderney, I want to raise kids, play
        ball. You know, and look at me.
Luis    Bro, I don't know what to tell you, man. Dessie is the man at
        Maisonette, okay? This is the job we got for you. If you don't like it,
        fuck off, I guess. If you do, shut the fuck up and stop being a moron.
Troy    Don't be like that man. You know me. I'm an artist. I've got songs in
        me. Maybe if Tony could hear me sign, I'd be okay here.
Luis    You're the fucking doorman, bro, not the cabaret. What is wrong with
        you? You're real tense, man, and you used tobe cool.
Tony    [arrives by car] Hey Troy... Hey, how's business? Luis, come on, let's
Troy    Pretty quiet.
Tony    Oh, fantastic. [shouting] What is wrong with you people? Don't you know
        a good time when you see one? Jesus, when even the queens don't want to
        get wrecked, you know this city has turned into a fucking suburb!
        Alright! Luis, get in the car. Gracie, sweetheart, in the back.
Troy    Tony, can I have a word?
Tony    No! No. Let's go.

Tony    Take us out to Gracie's place in Alderney, will you? It's on Babbage

Gracie  Luis! Hey babe. How are you?
Luis    Hey yo. Hey Gracie. What's up?
Gracie  Tone, what the fuck is it with Luis? I mean, he'll try to bang anything
        with a pussy, but it's Mr. Limpdick when I'm around.
Tony    I don't know. Maybe it's your charming turn of phrase, or your demure,
        almost nun-like manner. What is up with that, Luis?
Luis    Sorry Gracie, you ain't my type, so can you let me be a "limpdick" in
Gracie  Having a pussy is your type, Lou. Tell me what's wrong with me?
Luis    There ain't nothing wrong with you... if you like really loud
Gracie  Luis! Fuck you.
Luis    Hey look, I stopped dealing with mobster brats after Dani Luipsella
        tried to get her daddy to cut my balls off. Call me an asshole, but
        that was it for me.
Tony    I know where you're coming from. The shit I got into after my night of
        indiscretion with Roy Zito. Whoa! Trying to claim I spiked his drink.
Gracie  Roy Z's a homo?
Tony    He ain't a very good one.
Gracie  I never woulda guessed it.
Luis    Yeah, well, they don't wear a label on their head.
Gracie  Oh! Look at this bitch behind the wheel! Tony, your extreme queeniness
        is starting to rub off on the employees.
Luis    Look, cono, Tone, what are we doing out at Gracie's house?
Tony    We're paying a visit.
Luis    Shit, don't we got other problems right now? Come on!
Tony    Now that you mention it, there is another issue - that fucking nebbish,
        the Celebinator.
Gracie  Oh my god! I just love that guy's blog.
Tony    Well that guy's blog don't love us.
Luis    What happened?
Tony    He's talking shit like it's going out of fashion.
Luis    So what? He thinks he's the only guy with a mouth on the fucking
Tony    This is something we don't need right now. Ughh, if no one comes to our
        summer party in the Carraways...
Luis    Chill out, bro. First of all, the summer's a long way off. And second,
        we shouldn't be having no party in the Carraways with our financial
Tony    This guy could sink us!
Gracie  Listen to him, Lou. The Celebinator is real influential.
Luis    Relax, bro. We'll send him a basket. It'll be cool.
Tony    It's fucking blackmail with these guys. He got left off a list
        somewhere so it's our livelihoods at stake!
Luis    Oy. Alright. I'll check him out. What's his site?
Tony    I'll send you a link. Will you drop us off and go do it now?
Gracie  But that means Luis won't be able to see the inside of my place.
Luis    Oh well in that case, I'll definitely do it now.
Gracie  Shit, Lou, another time.
Luis    Oh yeah sure, babe. Some other time.

Gracie  Hey Lou.
Luis    Hey Gracie. You mind calling me Luis? That's my name, okay?
Gracie  But Tony calls you Lou...
Luis    Yeah, Tony's Tony. He's the boss. He gets special privileges. And since
        I ain't flipping pizzas in an Alderney strip mall, for you, Luis suits
        me better.
Tony    You gotta have respect for that kind of logic, Gracie.
Gracie  He sounds like a fucking faggot to me.
Tony    This prize stud ain't no fagoot, believe me.
Gracie  Yeah, I know. I heard the stories. How come you never made a play on
Luis    Sorry, babe, I got this Alderney rule. I don't mess with any women from
        your side of the West River.
Tony    He got that one from me.
Gracie  Well, I ain't gonna be living in Alderney forever.
Tony    When are you moving, Gracie? It's social suicide over there.
Gracie  Tell mea bout it. Living in the Luis Lopez no-fuck-zone means I ain't
        got one thing in common with most of the skanks in the city.
Luis    Come on, baby. No need to be rude.
Tony    Ignore her, Lou. She's bitter like that lonely old queen, the
Luis    The who?
Gracie  The Celebinator! Oh my God! I love that site! Did you read about Clay
        Jackson? I could not believe it!
Tony    No comment.
Luis    What about this Celebinator, Tone?
Tony    He's got a hard-on for us and it ain't gonna go away. He'll bring heat
        and that'll mean license trouble.
Luis    Hard-ons are your department, T. If he likes you, then maybe you gotta
        take one for the team. "Positive PR", ain't that what you're always
Tony    With all the shit we're dealing with at the moment, the last thing we
        need to be doing is further enhancing this egomaniac piece of shit's
        opinion of himself. But he's on a rampage. He's outing our patrons,
        he's trashing us, he's a complete cunt. Can you send him an email? Use
        that famous charm of yours?
Luis    Yeah okay, bro, I'll get on that shit right now. "Dear Complete Cunt,
        it has come to my attention that..."
Tony    Exactly! That's the charm the women love.
Gracie  Does that mean you're not coming to my house?
Luis    I'll drop you guys off, but then I got to handle this. Tony's orders.
Tony    What would I do without him, huh?
Gracie  Awww.

Tony    Thanks, Luis. Call me when you've emailed that dreadful blogger.
Gracie  See you, Lou.
Tony    This is your house, Gracie? And that is your car? Oh my god, you need
        to move to the City.
Gracie  What's wrong with the car? I'm trying to sell it anyways. Fucking cops
        took my license and I was not DUI!

[email protected]

Here's that link. Reel him in coz I've got
something planned.


No drama

Tony    Luis, how'd you like his site?
Luis    Yeah, I can't believe people read that shit. No wonder we didn't let
        that bucktooth bastard in.
Tony    But you schmoozed him, didn't you?
Luis    I was my most charming digital self. Like one of them internet
        vigilantes pretending to be twelve.
Tony    Thanks, L. Let's see where it goes.


Rocco   Oh, look who it isn't! [to Luis]
Gracie  Jesus, you could knock or something. I mean, my heart is beating two
        hundred beats a minute. You almost put me in the hospital.
Sharon  This is good blow.
Evan    Here, give me some!
Rocco   Oh, I know. Listen, Gracie, tell your father, tell him...
Gracie  Tell him you've been selling me coke? He will love that.
Rocco   No, no. I don't mean that. Tell him, tell him I'm okay, you know, tell
        him I'm on the up...
Luis    Yeah, tell him if he wants a good fake tan or some hair gel, Rocco can
        hook him up.
Rocco   Oh, fuck off, Luis!
Luis    Try it, bro. I'll happily do more time for you.
Gracie  Oh, Luis, you always gotta act so tough. Just have a fucking line and
        chill out, like me. You people.
Evan    Luis is always such a buzz kill.
Sharon  We're meant to be having fun here... I'm having fun. I am. Where's my
        fucking phone?
Gracie  This coke is kind of speedy, Rock.
Luis    Where's Tony?
Sharon  He went out.
Gracie  You better not be spiking me with speed, Rock, or I will be so angry...
Luis    Where did he go?
Gracie  Who? What is wrong with you? Man, you are ruining my buzz.
Luis    Tony! Where's Tony?
Gracie  He's over there.
Rocco   Yeah, passed out. Again. Guy's a fucking mess, Luis. Holding you back.
Evan    He holds everyone back.
Gracie  No he doesn't.
Luis    [dragging Tony to his feet] Get up. Come on, get up.
Rocco   Yeah, get up you has been, no good 1980s throw back relapse junkie fag.
Gracie  What is wrong with you? Tony get up, baby.
Tony    Ladies and gentlemen, more shots! Ha!... Hey, hey guys. What's going
Luis    You tell me, boss. What's going on? Why'd you call?
Tony    I don't know...
Rocco   Because of that thing, T? Come on, that sparkly thing? Wake up, you
        junkie fag.
Tony    Oh right, right, that thing... that shit. That thing! Okay Luis, right.
        We gotta go. Ladies, have some fun. Keep your septums all in one piece.
        [to Luis] Jesus, man, I feel like a camel shat in my mouth and it
        wasn't fun.
Luis    Here we go.
Tony    No, no, no. Not again. No, no.
[Luis shoves his head in the kitchen sink and pours water over.]
Evan    Hold on, guys. I wanna come too.
Luis    Fuck off Evan. This is work. It's not working out.
Evan    Whatever, bitch.
[Luis and Tony leave.]
Gracie  So anyway, anyway, anyway Sharon, I think I'm gonna sell my car.
Sharon  Oh my god, that is so funny!
Gracie  I know! [giggling]
Rocco   What's so funny about that?
Evan    Absolutely nothing.
[All four laugh, then Evan walks out.]

Tony    I forgot about ordering these limos. Coke makes me real classy, don't
        it? You take Evan, Lou. I'll go with the driver. I could do with not
Luis    Left me with my favorite person. Perfect.
[Luis gets in one limo with Evan, Tony drives off in the other.]
Evan    East Hook please, driver.

Luis    What exactly are we doing, man?
Evan    Listen, Luis, no offense, but I don't know how much I'm allowed to tell
Luis    What do you mean, Evan, tell me everything you know.
Evan    Really? I mean, how much information are you privy to? You're just the
        fucking driver, after all.
Luis    I'm privy enough to know that you're a piece of shit who's using Tony,
        and you only gonna be hanging around for two to three months, before
        Tony moves on to another chump. I'm privy to the fact that the coke in
        your nose and the 'roids in your veins are gonna send you worse out of
        control real soon. I'm also privy to the fact that you gonna be some
        fat trailer park queen back in the Midwest before you hit thirty. Now,
        tell me what the fuck we doing right now!
Evan    Ughh, that attitude's not gonna get you anywhere, sweetie. You better
        say something nice to me.
Luis    Tell me what's fucking happening!
Evan    If you say something nice, I'll think about it.
Luis    You can get Tony fucked up like no one else can, Evan. That nice
Evan    Aww, sweet. Thank you, Luis. Tony is more fun when I'm around. What do
        you want to know?
Luis    What are we doing going to the docks in East Hook?
Evan    We're buying diamonds. Two million dollars' worth.
Luis    Ay Dios mio. Where did Tony get that kind of cash, bro?
Evan    You don't know everything, do you, Luis?
Luis    I know that money can't be his unless he borrowed it. Where's it from?
Evan    How the fuck should I know? I'm the looks, not the accountant.
Luis    Oh yeah, I forgot. You just snort the money, you don't know where it
        comes from.
Evan    The money could be Rocco's, it could be Gracie's, who cares? We're
        getting some ice, baby.
Luis    I don't like the sound of this, bro.
Evan    See what I mean, always so serious. Don't worry, for once. Tony's
        skimmed ten percent off the agreed amount so we'll have some spending
        money. Whoop! Whoop! Gonna hit the shops today, baby.
Luis    Even fucking better, bro. Even better.

Luis    Yo, E, I thought you and Tony was split up. I was looking forward to
        him upgrading. You know, to a newer, less annoying model.
Evan    What's this? Why is the driver talking to me? Hello! I don't speak to
        the help.
Luis    Seriously, bro, you guys back on?
Evan    On, off, off, on. What can I say, that pathetic sack of shit needs me,
        and I need amusement. Life is so dull.
Luis    I think you got things the wrong way around there, bro. You the guy who
        keeps him up at night and feeds him pills so he's catatonic all day
        long. He don't need that shit. I, on the other hand, am the fucking
        idiot who keeps him alive and out of jail.
Evan    Oh, Lou Lou. You are such a downer.
Luis    I ain't no downer, you fucking moron, I'm just trying to stop Tony from
        throwing his life and our business away.
Evan    Yes, you are! And the last thing a club owner needs is to stop being
        fun. I mean, he's always in such a mood when he sees you. Whinge.
        Whinge. Whinge."We've got no money left. They're going to repossess
        everything. Ughh, my life is shit." Jesus, the amount of time it takes
        to turn him back into the Gay Tony people pay to hang out with, I
        deserve that allowance hike and more! I should be on the payroll, just
        like you.
Luis    I thought we froze your allowance? What with the economy and all.
Evan    Fraid not, Lou Lou. I got a hike as part of my getting-back-together
        deal. Thinking about becoming a partner in the club business, too. Tony
        needs all the help he can get. His driver's getting far too far ahead
        of himself, huh. Delusions of adequacy, I suppose.
Luis    Haven't you got a job already?
Evan    I think my talents would be better spent full time at the company.
Luis    Yeah, we need someone to lick out the toilet bowls.
Evan    I got to warn you Luis, I'm going to be very hands-on and you're not
        going to like all of my changes.
Luis    Oh, is that a fact?
Evan    Yeah. We can see where the business has got to with your involvement.
        Shit, Tony's living hand to mouth.
Luis    More like hand to nose.
Evan    It's time for a change and that change is me, honey. I could get used
        to you driving me around. I might have to do it more often.
Luis    Yeah, that ain't happening, bro. You musta had Tony under the influence
        of some serious shit when he said he'd take you on, because it ain't
        happening. The guy's been in business since '87, and you don't get
        where he is by signing shit over to a piece of pumped up ass.
Evan    Fuck you, Luis. You're just jealous!
Luis    I ain't jealous. I feel bad for you. If you weren't so damn creepy, I'd
        feel pity. I just see you guys come and then disappear and the world
        keeps turning and the clubs keep running.
Evan    You're fucking jealous, Luis. Pent up because you are not getting your
        hnads on my man.
Luis    Sure, Evan, that's what it is.

Evan    Here's where Tony said to meet him.

Cook    Hey uh... What's going on?... uh... Right. Which one of you is Mr.
Tony    That would be me. Alright, you got what we're looking for?
Cook    You got the money?
Tony    Sure. Right here.
Cook    Then... then I'll get the ice. Hold on. [runs off]
Tony    How you feel about this, bro?
Evan    I think I need another fucking line, okay? It serves me right for
        leaving the party with you losers.
Luis    Shut up, you idiot. Tony, we cool?
Tony    Let's just get this over with. My head is killing me, my life has been
        reduced to this bullshit. So, no, Luis. We're a long way from cool. But
        for right now, let's just see what the chef has to say for himself.
Evan    Yeah, that's what I think. I agree. Completely.
Luis    [translated] Shut up, please.
Cook    [returns holding out the diamonds] Yeah... yeah alright. This is them.
Tony    These are great, they're great. But uh... Two million? You had your
        head in the oven?
Cook    Mr. Tony, I have what I tell you. Perfect clarity. Beautiful clarity,
        well cut and a shit load of carats. What did you expect?
Evan    Tony, they're gorgeous.
Tony    Just like you.
Luis    Come on, can we do the hand over please and get out of here? This is
        too much.
Evan    Ignore him, he's probably been up all night with some bimbo.
Luis    Tony!
Tony    You're a chef?
Cook    Well, cook, yeah.
Tony    We have a line in some kitchen supplies, how about I throw that into
        the equation? What's the price?
Luis    Look, this the money we agreed upon, less ten percent. Just give us the
Cook    Alright, alright!
Evan    Hey, Tony, can I hold them? [takes them] Thank you.
Cook    [receives money from Luis] Thanks.
Luis    [spots bikers sneaking up] Oh shit, Tony, we outta here!
[Tony and Luis run back to the limo. Evan splits right with the diamonds. The
bikers begin firing.]
Luis    Come on, let's go. Evan, get them to the club! And don't fuck about,

Luis    We lost them, T. I'll take you home.
Tony    What happened to Evan?
Luis    He went the other way with those diamonds. Probably on the next plane
        to Los Santos, if you ask me.
Tony    He's not answering his phone, I'll check his Bleeter.
Luis    He's not going to update some social networking site when a couple
        dozen irate bikers are trying to kill him, bro. No one is that vain,
        not even him.
Tony    TanMan89 bleeted less than ten minutes ago.
Luis    I can't believe it, man. What's it say?
Tony    "Cornered by bikerz. Eugh. Eugh. Eugh. 2 young 2 die." They fucking got
Luis    Jesus. Poor bastard.
Tony    I know. Fuck. Poor Evan, he was a rotten human being. That's why I
        liked him so much.
Luis    That fuck got himself killed, and our diamonds stolen I might add,
        because he needed to tell the internet about his problems. Ayo. I can
        speak ill of him as much as I fucking want. That's the stupidest thing
        I ever heard.
Tony    Alright. It was a weird move, I'll give you that, but he's dead. Killed
        by social networking. He may have cheated on me, and stolen from me,
        and put his plastic surgery on the business credit card, but I liked
        the guy and I'm kind of sad. Okay?
Luis    Well, I didn't like him. He's dead and he's still pissing me off. We
        just lost two million on those diamonds.
Tony    Calm down, Luis. You'd think your boyfriend had just been killed.

Luis    They gone, bro. I'll get you home.
Tony    Evan's not answering his phone. He's dead. I know it.
Luis    That or he's run off with the ice, bro. Either way I don't think we
        seeing him or them diamonds again.
Tony    Don't be so callous. I think they killed him.
Luis    We got away. Evan might have too.
Tony    I just checked his Bleeter. They got him.
Luis    He updated a social networking site!? The fuck is wrong with him? What
        it say?
Tony    "Cornered by bikerz. Eugh. Eugh. Eugh. 2" - the number not the word -
        "young 2 die. xx oo"
Luis    Maybe he'd be okay if he'd been trying to get the fuck out of there
        rather than typing on his Bittersweet. Dumb vain motherfucker!
Tony    He may have been a coke addict trying to squeeze every last penny I
        have out of me, but I kind of liked him.
Luis    No you didn't, bro. You kept him around because you were bored and
        needy. That conceited fuck was too dumb to keep his head back there and
        we lost the diamonds because of it.
Tony    Heartless, Lou.
Luis    Not heartless. Just right.

Luis    You really think Evan's dead?
Tony    I'm sure of it. He bleeted, didn't he?
Luis    I'm sorry, bro.
Tony    Those diamonds are gone too, Lou. We're really in the shit now. We've
        got no more cards to play. What the fuck is going to go wrong next?
Luis    Stay cool and don't get too fucked up on those pills, or that charlie,
        or any fucking new shit. Hey, Evan ripped you off and he didn't get
        away with it, look at it like that. I'll come see you soon.
Tony    Sure. Whatever. So long, stranger.

Tony    Have you heard the news? Evan's definitely dead.
Luis    Okay. We expected this, Tone. Don't freak out. He was an asshole. My
        guess is he was intending to steal them diamonds when the bikers got
Tony    Okay, Evan was a conceited dick, a low life, a whore, a drug peddler
        and a thief. He treated me like dirt. That's the kind of guy I like.
Luis    You should start going back to the shrink, bro.
Tony    Screw you. Anyway, that doesn't solve the diamond issue. Rocco's saying
        we owe him his share of the profits on top of everything else.
Luis    This ain't good, man, but we'll find a way out of it. You been in worse
        scrapes before. I'm counting on you for leadership.
Tony    You believed those stories? Wow. I never took you for an idiot. I just
        pretended to know what I was doing. I'm a schmuck who got lucky. Shit,
        we really are screwed.


Dessie  [letting people inside] That's what I told 'em. Hey, I'm all good baby.
        How you doing, I.D.?
Luis    Hey, Dessie.
Dessie  Hey, what's up, man? [handshake]
Luis    What's up, man? Tony in?
Dessie  Uh, yeah, he got here a while ago. [to girl] Enjoy your night.
Luis    [to girl] Please, after you. Wow! [heads inside]
Dessie  [to Roman, as he walks up] I.D.
Roman   Okay, good evening my friend, how are you? [holding up I.D.] See it's
        me? Yes, you okay? So I am good? I'm good. yes, okay. [walks in]
        Ladies, hide your titties!
[Luis meets a girl at the bar, sexes her up in the bathroom, then heads to the
Tony    You're late.
Luis    Sorry man, something came up.
Tony    No doubt.
Luis    What's going on?
Tony    I'm trying to find a way out of this shit. I've got a plan to keep that
        pair of chumps Rocco and Vince happy. Come on, I'll explain as we go.
[They exit the office.]
Tony    Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a quick hello, quick hello. [he stops by some
        Russians in a booth] Gentlemen, my name's Tony Prince, I hope you're
        enjoying yourselves.
Bulgar  Ray Bulgarin. Tell me, where are the women?
Tony    Well, they're everywhere. That one over there is a TV starlet. That one
        there is a model. That one there I don't know, but I believe she just
        signed on with the Derriere campaign.
Bulgar  How much? To fuck I mean.
Tony    No, no, no. They're not hookers. It's not that kind of club.
Bulgar  Everywhere is that kind of club, you just need know how much to pay.
Tony    Yeah, well... listen, can I buy you gentlemen a drink? Cindy, Cindy,
        come here! Take care of Mr. Bulgarin here. It's good to meet you.
        Please, come back. Enjoy your night. My right hand man, Luis, will take
        care of you. Goodnight. [walks away]
Bulgar  Thank you.
Cindy   So, gentlemen, more drinks?
Bulgar  Yes, please. Let's go.
Luis    So, how's it going gentlemen?
Bulgar  The faggot is your boss?
Luis    Sure.
Bulgar  Must make for funny times at bonus time...
Luis    Hysterical. Hysterical.
Bulgar  Where does the coke come from in this place?
Luis    I don't know about that shit, man, I just make sure people don't get
Bulgar  How very boring. I prefer it when they do.
Luis    You should come back on a busier night then, normally it's wall-to-wall
        corpses by midnight.
Bulgar  You, I like... the faggot, not so much.
Tony    [walks back over] Gentlemen, thank you. Luis, we've got to go.
Luis    Gentlemen.
[They exit the club.]
Tony    Jesus. Russian, richer than the church. Buy this place, end all our
Luis    Yes, nothing like Russian gangsters to bring a sense of peace and
        stability to a problem.

Tony    Oh Jesus, what did I do wrong? Take us to Bahama Mamas.

Tony    Now, Mamas is more Rocco's style than our place.
Luis    Tell me he's gonna start hanging out with all that Bridge and Tunnel
        crowd rather than us.
Tony    Don't we wish. No, sadly, he just wants you to talk to a lady in there.
Luis    Yo, T, I ain't hurting no lady for Rocco.
Tony    They just want you to hit on her. She's an old friend of yours, Monique
        from the Derrierre store in Suffolk.
Luis    Monique? Shit, after that thing with her roommate, I don't think that's
        gonna fly. What they want me hitting on girls for?
Tony    They want to get at her boyfriend. He owns the place, but he's in
        Venturas now.
Luis    So I'm some fucking gigolo now? Perfect.
Tony    I never seen you complain about chasing women before.
Luis    Well, I never been forced to chase them before.

Luis    What we being sent to Bahamas for? I thought Rock would be right at
        home there.
Tony    He would be! Taking E and comparing biceps with all the other guido
        pricks is definitely his scene. I don't know why he wants to hang out
        with us. Anyway, we're going because he wants you to chase some skirt.
Luis    Women? Yo, T, I'm tired, bro.
Tony    Well, wake up! What? You need some Mollis?
Luis    Bro, gimme a fucking break, okay? It gonna turn a pussyhound from the
        D.R. into some kind of monster.
Tony    Then stop complaining before I spike you with one and unleash you in
Luis    Alright. Alright. What they want?
Tony    There's a girl you know called Monique, works at the Derriere store.
        Anyway, her boyfriend pissed Rocco off so he wants you to hang with
Luis    That kid got nothing better to do? He must think he's still in high
Tony    Well, the guy's in Venturas so that's one thing you don't have to worry
Luis    Sure.

Tony    Do what you do best, partner.
Luis    You ain't coming?
Tony    You think having a past-it old queen on your arm is some kind of
        aphrodisiac? Just try and forget it's a job.
Luis    The day has finally come, T. You've become my pimp. And I've finally
        lost my self-respect. Later, bro.

Monique What you doing here, Luis? Maisonette close down?
Luis    Let me see you move, baby. I can't hear shit in this place.

Monique Come on.
Luis    I'm coming, baby.
Monique Oh, excuse me. Don't let anybody in, Maurice. And you better not say a
        fuckin' word to Vic.
Maurice Alright, babe.
Luis    Wish me luck, papi.
[They go into the back.]
Luis    Oh baby, take it easy on me, okay? I had a long day.
Monique I'm going to make you forget all about that...
Luis    Mm, I bet you will.
[Back in front, Vic shows up.]
Maurice Vic, yo, shit. I think Serge wanted to see you outside.
Vic     Serge's got the night off. Come on.
Maurice Wa-wait... hold on a minute. I mean, you know...
Vic     Get the fuck out of my way. Move!
Maurice Hey, Vic.
[Vic walks in on Monique giving Luis a blowjob.]
Luis    Aye si. Right there, chuppa, aye mio...
Vic     Who the fuck are you?
Monique Vic! You were supposed to be in Venturas!
Vic     You whore. I paid for those fucking lips and this is how you repay me?
Monique Hold on. I can explain.
Vic     Puta!
[Vic chokes her, punches her, throws her to the ground, then spits on her.]
Luis    Yo. That's not cool, bro.
Vic     You put your cock in my woman's mouth and you think it's cool? Asshole.
Luis    Hey...

Tony    Luis.
Luis    You got Rocco there with you, T? Is he there?
Tony    What's gotten into you? Why you so moody, Luis? You should talk to
Luis    I get moody after I'm nearly killed, Tony. And that's happening a lot
        right now. Fuck! Monique's boyfriend wasn't in Venturas. The whole
        fucking club got shot to shit!
Tony    Okay, I see why you're upset. Get some rest and we'll talk soon. You're
        keeping us afloat here, Luis.

 SEXY TIME (#ya1)

Luis    Hello?
Yusuf   Homie! What's happening, man?
Luis    Who's this?
Yusuf   This is Yusuf Amir, man.
Luis    Who?
Yusuf   The guy who wants to talk about franchising your clubs.
Luis    Hey, those conversations are usually Tony's department.
Yusuf   Mr. Tony gave me your number, there are some other matters I need to
        discuss before we get down to the real shit.
Luis    Hey, if Tony gave you my number, then it's okay bro.
Yusuf   Great! Come hang out at my apartment. It's right on Middle Park, prime
        location, one of the most exclusive in the city. Top dollar shit.
        You'll love it!
Luis    Alright. I'll be by sometime. Just don't wait up.

Luis    Hello? Hello? Hello?
Yusuf   Hey man, hey nigga, wassup? Wassup? So glad you could make it, man.
        Seriously. Fucking A. Y'know for real, man.
Luis    You okay, bro?
Yusuf   No. I'm fine, man. I've got a couple of bitches upstairs. Hot ones. Not
Luis    Nice.
Yusuf   Hey man, do you want to join in.
Luis    No, I'm cool, man. I'm cool.
Yusuf   Yeah, of course. Though, to be honest anyway, after I've finished with
        them, they'll be out of commission anyway. I'll bang them to pieces.
        After I've finished with them, they'll look like they've been dragged
        through the fucking desert.
Luis    Oh, wow. Good for you, man. Good for you. Listen, so uh- what did you
Yusuf   You see this city? [indicating a model of Algonquin] I own it.
        Everything. Seriously.
Luis    Really?
Yusuf   No. But one day. I'm building sixty skyscrapers, man; condos,
        penthouses, luxury apartments. Serious shit. But I tell you... Oh, man.
        Oh, I love this song. Do you know this song? [turns up the radio and
        dances] Oh yeah. Arab money! Hey, you don't dance?
Luis    Not with dudes, bro.
Yusuf   You see this city? I run it. I run everything. I'll show everyone. I
        mean, look at this shit here. This is a gold phone. Solid. [tosses it
        to Luis] Beat that, daddy-o.
Luis    Wow, great man. That's great. [sets it down]
Yusuf   I'm the real deal, nigga. I'm the real thing.
Luis    Sure, bro. Sure.
Yusuf   So what do you say? You going to help me out? Tony says you can handle
Luis    Maybe man, what do you need?
Yusuf   I need to shut my fucking father up.
Luis    Whoa, I ain't gonna kill your father, bro.
Yusuf   No, I know you're not. I need you to get a helicopter for him. You
        know? And I've found it. It's a military-issue. Beautfiul machine.
        Sexy. The company that built it, they have a display model on their
        boat. And that will shut him up. You know, show him I've got good
        connections, you know. Pay him the respect he deserves.
Luis    Is that porn playing up there, bro?
Yusuf   No, man, that's real women. Trust me. And I ain't paying shit.
Luis    Okay, so you want me to get you a helicopter, and that will make your
        dad happy? You better be the real deal, man.
Yusuf   You know, I tell Tony that we work together, I'm going to make you both
        very rich men. We'll open nightclubs all around the world. China.
        Pakistan. Tim-buk-fucking-tu. Anywhere you want. [hands over a thick
        wad of cash] You know what this means? You and I, we are brothers, we
        are partners.
Luis    Okay.
Yusuf   Give me a call when you get there. Now, I've got to attend to some
        business. [shouting] Ladies, prepare to suffer!

Luis    Hey, I got it.
Yusuf   Alright, homie, now the guys you took it from are some inappropriate
        individuals. These are some terror cell, war criminal enabling
        motherfuckers, motherfucker! The real deal. Take out the boat with all
        the guys on board.
Luis    Bro, you sure?
Yusuf   It's the right thing to do, my brother. Fuckin' go for it!

Luis    Hey, those guys ain't around no more, Yusuf. I'm gonna trust you that
        they was bad news.
Yusuf   Of course you trust me, man. We're brothers now. Blood brothers. They
        were the baddest cats out there. Shit fucking cats. Just bring the
        'copter to my helipad. My best boy Ahmed is waiting for you there.
Luis    Okay.
Yusuf   Cheer up, brethren. Don't think about it. Think of the palaces we'll
        build together, the zoos we'll build. Endangered species you thought
        didn't exist no more. Sabre-toothed dodos and shit. Women in gold
        cages. You name it. There's everything to be happy about. Dreams,
        amigo. Dreams.
Luis    I got to go, bro. You keep on dreaming.
Yusuf   Okay. Fly safe.

Ahmed   You must be Luis! Dude, crazy ride you got here.
Luis    Tell me about it, bro. You're Ahmed, right? Yusuf's boy.
Ahmed   That crazy motherfucker! Some serious military-grade shit. He could
        have had all the gold in the world, but he's obsessed with what they
        won't sell him.

Luis    Hey Tone, what's happening, boss?
Tony    You been hanging out with people behind my back?
Luis    I been trying to make us some money, yeah.
Tony    You have anything to do with a little boating accident that went down
        and is all over the news?
Luis    Me? I don't even like swimming.
Tony    Good. Because the people on that boat were good people. Freedom
        fighters trying to stop people smuggling in Asia.
Luis    Really? I heard they was... shit... I heard...
Tony    No, I'm shitting with you. They were arms smugglers, hitched to some of
        the worst governments in West Africa. But I had you. I fucked had you.
        You fucking idiot, Luis. Don't turn into a freedom fighter. We don't
        have the luxury of that right now, and stop going solo on me. Not now.
Luis    I wasn't involved, T.
Tony    Of course not.
Luis    But if I had been, it would have been for us, for the business.
Tony    Sure. You be careful, Luis.

 HIGH DIVE (#ya2)

Yusuf   [to phone] You tell him I don't care. A bi- a billion dollars is chump
        change. What does a billion buy anyway today? It doesn't even buy a
        million dollars... No, you tell him that. You tell him Yusuf Amir is
        speaking... That name does mean something in this town! One second.
        Hello? Excuse me. [pressing buttons] Hello? Hello, who is this? Poppa!
        How are you?... Yes, Poppa, yes, a present. It's a gift... No. No, you
        didn't pay for it. I did. Well, I didn't pay for it, so you didn't...
        Poppa, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's complicated. I miss you, Poppa. I
        do. Yes, I'm close to closing the deal. The biggest tower. You're going
        to be so proud of me... Well, ten million dollars is maybe a little bit
        too much to spend in a month, but it was necessary... No, Poppa, no,
        that's not fair. No, no, no. Poppa, they're not prostitutes! They're
        loose women!... Poppa, Poppa, hello Poppa? [to Luis] Ha ha! Hey, it's
        you my friend, how you doing? How you doing?
Luis    What's up, papa? Trouble with your old man?
Yusuf   No. With my father.
Luis    Okay... yeah. Family can be tough, man.
Yusuf   He's a very conservative man. He does not understand what I'm doing
        here. He thinks my life is one long party - a reckless orgy of sex,
        drugs, and spending.
Luis    Really?
Yusuf   [playing around on the Total Outrage II arcade game] He is deluded. I
        work my fingers to the bone. To the bone! You know, last week I got
        exhausted test driving sexy cars. I had to fly to Vice City and bang
        bitches for two weeks just to recover. I'm a workaholic, man. A
        workaholic, homie.
Luis    Yeah, evidently.
Yusuf   And now, I have to meet Ahmed and his brother to take a business
        meeting. I mean, I love those guys; they're like family, but, oh God,
        it's going to exhaust me.
Luis    How is that?
Yusuf   These guys, they're always going on about how rich they are, "look the
        money here, the money there". You know what they are, Luis? I'll level
        with you, they're very, what's the word? Tacky! No taste! I mean, I
        love those guys, but seriously, come on...
Luis    Okay, well, I guess I'll see you later, then.
Yusuf   No, no, no, no. Hey, you're coming with me, baby. You need to hang
        around. Act like we're friends. Shit, we are friends, baby! Make out
        that we've got shit going down. Going down, my nigga! Anyway, let's go.
        Let's bounce, baby. When I say bounce, I don't mean bouncing literally,
        I just mean...
Luis    I know what it means, Yusuf.
Yusuf   It's a term from the street meaning you have to walk. But if you don't
        get that it's a bit like, roll with me. You have to roll, but not like
        a fat man rolling, but just walk.
Luis    Can we just go?

Yusuf   Head over to Rotterdam Tower, me bredren.

Yusuf   I have a special gift, Luis. An auto shotgun with explosive shells!
Luis    Here's hoping I don't need to use this shit.
Yusuf   I'll just hit Ahmed up on my burner, man. Make sure shit is going down.
        [to phone] Yo. A-rab. What's up? Tell these bitches at Rotterdam
        their's ain't gonna be the tallest tower for long. Yusuf's in town,
        baby. And your shit 'bout to be inadequate... Yeah, shit, I'm coming,
        man. Chill the f out... What you so het up about? Poppa ain't in town,
        is he?... Oh! Thank goodness. If it's not Poppa, I can't think why you
        are so agitated... Calm down, will you? I'll see you in a moment.

Yusuf   No one will fuck with you. I'm giving you this special auto shotgun
        with explosive shells!
Luis    If this don't come in handy now, it might later. Thanks, bro.
Yusuf   Excuse me a moment, please. I have to call Ahmed. Make sure it's all
        cool and safe and that. [to phone] Arab nigga! Wassup? What you
	looking at, bitch? You're looking at a city about to belong to us,
        motherfucker... We gonna buy that piece-of-shit dirt-hole Middle Park
        and turn it into a champagne swimming pool! For real, biatch!... Ahmed,
        what's up, man? Why the stress? You sound perturbed! I haven't heard
        this voice since they shot that poor polo pony of yours at school...
        Okay, man, if you say you're cool, you're cool. We'll be there in a

Yusuf   I don't have a good feeling about this. Ahmed is not himself. Very
        fucking weird. Do you mind going up to the observation deck and
        checking it out?
Luis    Okay, bro. I'll head on up there for you.
Yusuf   I appreciate this, Luis. Hit me up when you're sure shit with them boys
        is cool. So long.

Ahmed   Luis. My man. Where's Yusuf?
Luis    What's going on, bro?
Ahmed   What you mean, "what's going on?" Chill, homeboy. Look at the real
        estate. Enjoy.
Tahir   Where the fuck is Yusuf? You said he'd be here.
Ahmed   What's wrong with you, man?
Luis    Yo, what's going on?
Tahir   He knows, he fucking knows. We're in the shit.
Luis    What do I know?
Ahmed   I-I-I told you to chill, man. Shit. Shit, shit!
[Luis takes Tahir by the throat, threatening to throw him over the edge of the
tower. Ahmed runs off.]
Luis    Tell me what I just walked into.
Tahir   Please, whatever you do, I'm sorry.
Luis    Fuck you!
[Luis pushes him over the edge.]
Tahir   No!
Luis    Asshole!

Ahmed   Look, here, I have a parachute. Take it. We were hoping to get Yusuf on
        wiretap. They don't know shit about you. Believe me!
[Luis puts on the parachute, then shoves him off too.]
Luis    Snitching motherfucker. I didn't do nothing to you.

Yusuf   Luis, bro, I heard the news. What went down?
Luis    Tahir went down. And Ahmed soon after him.
Yusuf   Oh, whatever do you mean?
Luis    Dude took a dive down to sea level, bro. Motherfuckers set you up with
        the NOOSE so they could take your business.
Yusuf   I cannot believe it. They were brothers to me. I would have brought
        them anything they wanted.
Luis    Sometimes, bro, money ain't enough.
Yusuf   I have a deep sadness in me, Luis. Will you join me, please - for an
        orgy of champagne, cocaine, women, watermelons, and whatever else this
        city may have to offer. We must forget them.
Luis    Shit, you're gonna have to do your forgetting by yourself, man. I got a
        lot of other business to deal with. I'll see you round, man. Okay?

Yo, L. I got hold of some parachutes. You need some of them or any other
hardware. Call me and I'll come by in the van. Later.

 ...BLOG THIS! (#tp08)

Luis    T, bro, what's happening?
Tony    I've organized that face-to-face with our good friend the Celebinator.
Luis    Oh shit. We gonna show him a good time?
Tony    Yeah. I thought we could persuade him that we're not such bad guys
        after all. He's meeting us at the Heliport on the West River - we're
        taking him out on a tour of the city.
Luis    I wouldn't miss this. See you there, T.

Tony    Get in, Lou. Don't worry, I didn't forget about the vertigo, I got you
        a chute.
Luis    I don't know what you talking about, but thanks.
Tony    I thought we'd start over the Statue of Happiness. Take us up.

Tony    Luis, meet our new friend, the Celebinator.
Celeb   Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Luis    Yo. Do you got, like, a real name? Or do I got to call you the whatsit?
Celeb   This is a guise I wear in public. I'd prefer it if you'd call me the
Luis    Okay.
Celeb   It's a lovely helicopter you've got here, Tony.
Tony    I'd love to say this was mine, but I'm just borrowing it off a rich
        friend of mine, Mr. Yusuf Amir. He let us use it because it's such a
        special occasion.
Celeb   This is a very grown-up gesture of yours. I thought it'd be just tit
        for tat from here on in.
Luis    What you mean "tit for tat"? You just started insulting us on your
        website. We ain't done shit to you.
Celeb   I'm not naive, Luis. The Derriere launch? Maisonette's fifth birthday?
        You left me off the list, it was a deliberate snub.
Luis    What are you talking about? We'd never even met you.
Celeb   I was on the scene, Luis. Fuck it. I am the scene. Me! Moi! Leave me
        off them lists, it was a declaration of war. So I fucking brought it.
Luis    You one deluded motherfucker, man. Having a website don't make you the
Tony    Not now, Lou. We're trying to charm him.
Celeb   So, it's time you asked, what's it going to take to get me off your
Tony    Excellent. Blackmail is a language I know only too well.
Celeb   Your problem's that you think you're operating in a vacuum. The blogs
        are just as important a part of the ecosphere as the clubs. I write a
        blueprint that you should follow. The Celebinator creates taste.
Tony    Does he, now? I'd never thought of it that way.
Celeb   The stars, the designers, the club owners. I make your jobs easier by
        telling you what to do.
Tony    It's a thankless task!

Tony    Luis, have you met our charming new friend, the Celebinator?
Celeb   Aye, we've met alright.
Luis    Really, bro. 'Cause I don't remember it.
Celeb   Oh, you remember alright. Last year's Maisonette summer party? I had to
        steal a ticket, and then you fuckin' blanked me.
Luis    Hey, I was real busy that night.
Celeb   Yeah, you were busy alright. Sinking your fuckin' business is what you
        were doin'. Who's laughing now, you stuck up fucking twat.
Luis    Yo dude, this all in your head, man. The internet ain't real.
Celeb   Where's the fucking bubbly, then? You can't tell me I'm on a helicopter
        tour and there's no fucking champagne. You better have shelled out for
        some real vintage, Tony, or it's another black mark in the
        Celebinator's  naughty book.
Tony    How many black marks I got in there already?
Celeb   You got quite a few. Now where's the champagne?
Luis    It's in the ice box. We'll get it out when we see some more of the
Celeb   Boring! I knew you sad old washed-up cunts had forgotten how to party.
        I've got ADD! I'm modern! That's why you need me. Look, I got a
        proposition for ya.
Tony    That's exactly what we looking for. A man of your fine knowledge and
        exquisite taste, we'd be honored to work with you.
Celeb   Twenty thousand people read my blog. I'm reaching the world. Of course
        you want to take some of what the Celebinator's got, and bottle it, and
        put it on the fuckin' shelves and sell it, who wouldn't?
Luis    Does that mean we got to liquidize him first so he fits in them
Tony    Luis is just joking. He didn't mean anything by that.
Celeb   I should hope not. Big dumb greasy lug, isn't he?

Tony    Show our friend the sights, L. I'll take the controls.
Celeb   You really don't have to show me anything. I've blogged every inch of
        this town.
Luis    You know what, I don't think you ever seen Liberty City like this.
Cleeb   What's he doing, Tony? Help!

Tony    Luis, how'd you boys get on after you left me?
Luis    Okay, T. He's an annoying little fuck, but I think we saw eye-to-eye by
        the end of it. He ain't gonna be giving us no smack talk no more.
Tony    That's excellent news. We should schmooze these "citizen journalists"
        more often.
Luis    It would be my pleasure.

 NOT SO FAST (#tp09)

Troy    Yo, hey man.
Luis    Hey man, Tony inside?
Troy    Ah yeah, but can I speak to you for a minute?
Luis    No, not really.
Troy    Nah, it'll just take a minute, man. I really need you to speak to Tony.
Luis    I did and you can't move to Maisonette.
Troy    No, no, no, no, man, not that. Not that. Guess what? I'm going to be
        famous. Seriously.
Luis    So?
Troy    So? So? Are you insane, man? What else matters? The production company
        here, man... belongs to one of the guys. They're going to make a show
        about me. Me! I mean, they were making one about this Puerto Rican guy
        in Bohan, but he disappeared. Now, they're gonna make a show about me!
Luis    Bro, you spend every night standing here in the exact same spot.
Troy    It's very stressful, man. But it's got it all. Think about it. Drama,
        action, sex, love, it's got everything... they're all going to shoot it
        through the eyes of - of a tough guy with a heart.
Man     Excuse me, can I get through? Hey man, can I get through here?
Luis    I'm sure, and it sounds all like fantastic entertainment. Now, if
        you'll excuse me, I've got to get back down to earth.
Man     Okay, if you could excuse me also!
Troy    Hey hey hey. Did I say next?
Man     Yeah, you said I was next, man.
Troy    Hey listen, man, get back in line.
Man     You said I was next.
Troy    Yeah, you know what? We're full.
Man     Fuck you, you said I was...
[Luis walks inside.]
Luis    What's up, T?
Tony    Oh, we're getting rich here - look at this place - so many rich, happy
        queens spending their hard-earned money, huh? Man, what went wrong? In
        my day, gay guys used to be lonely, needy, and lost. Now they're all in
        relationships, learning how to cook. Man, therapy has got a lot to
        answer for, huh? Where's all the self-loathing gone, huh?
Luis    So, who do you want me to kill, boss?
Tony    Oh, ha! A lot of people. A lot of people. And where the fuck is Gracie?
        Huh? She's supposed to meet me here... fuck her, man... fuck, oh shit.
        We've got to go make ourselves rich, because, after all, the nightclub
        trade is not what it used to be.
Luis    What's going down?
Tony    Those diamonds, I heard they're being sold soon. At the Libertonian, of
        all places. I thought we could go down there, put in a low ball bid and
        take them for ourselves, huh?
Luis    Nice, let's go.
Tony    Exactly! Okay. [trips over himself]
Luis    Yeah, maybe uh - maybe I should handle this one on my own, T. Okay. You
        just sit tight, wait for Gracie, and um, I'll give you a shout when I
        get back.
Tony    I'm not on drugs, man.
Luis    I know. I know.
Tony    I'm not on drugs.

Yusuf   My favorite dude. Luis, what's up?
Luis    Yusuf, bro, I can't chat right now. You mind if I borrow your chopper?
Yusuf   Which one, man? I got a fleet.
Luis    The special one. The one with all that military shit.
Yusuf   The Buzzard? Of course, bro. It's practically yours anyway. You'll love
        what I've done with her. She's over at my pad on the West River.
Luis    Thanks, bro.

Isaac   You know how things are.
Niko    No problem.
Johnny  Let's do this.
Isaac   Okay, let's see the stuff, gentlemen. Mori, come over here.
Johnny  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Since we're having a little show and tell,
        let's see some money.
Isaac   Of course, no problem.
[Isaac sets down and opens a suitcase.]
Isaac   There it is. Beautiful, huh? Unmarked bills! No history, no need to
Johnny  Good. Niko - show him the stuff.
[Niko holds out the diamonds.]
Isaac   Get in there Mori.
[Mori steps forward to inspect them.]
Mori    Isaac, look at them.
Isaac   Gorgeous, huh? Like condensed money.
Mori    Isaac, these are great.
[Luis appears at the window, guns down Mori.]
Luis    Rest of you motherfuckers wanna die, do something stupid okay!
Mofo    Fuck you! [aims shotgun up]
[Luis shoots the mofo and everyone scatters.]
Johnny  Just get the shit man. Come on!
[Luis climbs down into the museum and follows Isaac into a back room.]
Isaac   Wait, wait, wait, wait listen... If you get me out of here, I promise
        I'll split this with you.
Luis    Can you do me a favor and not take this too personally?
Isaac   What?
Luis    [knocks him out] They was stolen from us first, bro.

Tony    Luis. How'd it go?
Luis    Pretty good, bro. Meet me at the helipad on the West River. I'll be
        there soon.
Tony    Alright. I'll try and sober up.
Luis    Yeah, great. Try and do that for me.

Tony    Hey, Lou, you're riding in style.
Luis    Yeah, man, I learnt the ancient art of understatement from you. Here
        are those rocks. Try to hold onto them this time.
Tony    Thanks. They'll go straight in the safe.
Luis    Yeah, sure. Right next to the emergency eight ball. I'll see you soon,

Yusuf   Luis!
Luis    Hey bro. Thanks for lending me the Buzzard. Love what you done with the
        paintwork. Real subtle. Stealth attack shit.
Yusuf   That's what I do, motherfucker. Sneak up on them bitches. Hide in the
        fucking sand, then pow! I'm a cobra. I'm a cobra in the sky, flying
        with my cobra wings. I'm the executive flying cobra. When I stick my
        tongue in you, you know you've been poisoned. Errr, I'm glad I could be
        of assistance, anyway.
Luis    Well, exactly. Thanks. I appreciate it.

 LADIES' NIGHT (#tp10)

Luis    Yo, T.
Tony    Where have you been?
Luis    I got here as soon as I could, bro.
Tony    Oh man, Luis, Gracie. Luis, Gracie!
Luis    What about Gracie?
Tony    They got Gracie. She's gone. Evan's dead, now Gracie.
Luis    Fuck Evan. Who's got Gracie?
Tony    I - I don't know!
Luis    What are you talking about, bro? Where is she?
Tony    Some guys at war with her father, I guess. I don't know.
Luis    Hey, Gracie's pretty tough.
Tony    She's a princess!
Luis    She's a tough princess.
Tony    If they fucking hurt her...
Luis    Yeah, they'll have you, me, and that mob family to deal with.
Tony    You never liked her. You never did. You never like anyone.
Luis    That's not true. I like her.
Tony    No, you didn't.
Luis    She's my favorite coke whore.
Tony    Aw, and what makes you so good, huh? If it wasn't for me, you'd be
        selling dime bags on a street corner. I made you.
Luis    Yeah, and she and Evan made you into a junkie. Okay? I mean, she's not
        a bad person, okay? She's not a murdering greedy psychopath, like me.
        She's all heart... you know, if you get past the accent. Okay, but she
        made you into a useless old queen, too whacked out on blow and pills to
        know his business was going to shit.
Tony    Aw, here we go, huh, here we fucking go, huh? Oh, I see it in your
        eyes. You're embarassed of me. You see me and think 'Oh, this is it,'
        this is the moment to put me down, this is the moment when the
        apprentice takes over. Oh man, you think I'm done. You're not so
        fucking tough, Luis.
Luis    And you're not so smart, you dumb junkie fuck!
Tony    Oh yeah? Fuck you, Luis!
[He picks up a gun and aims it at Luis.]
Luis    Come on Tony, chill out.
Tony    You're right. You're right. You're not the one with the problem. I am.
[He aims it at his own head.]
Luis    T- Tony, what the - what the fuck are you doing?
Tony    No. I'm holding you back. I see that now. I see that now. You're the
        closest thing I've had to a son. I'm sorry, Luis. I love you. Goodbye.
Luis    Tony. Come on, man.
Tony    Goodbye. I love you.
[He pulls it away.]
Tony    Shit! Shit!
Luis    Fuck!
[Luis knocks him to the floor and throws the gun down.]
Luis    What the fuck is wrong with you, you dumb prick? Get up! Get up, so I
        can kill you myself. Get up.
Tony    Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just - I just couldn't take it
Luis    Come on, get up. Get up you old bastard. Huh? Come on, let's go find
        Gracie. Okay?
Tony    Okay.
Luis    Jesus Christ.
Tony    Oh, shit Luis.
Luis    Jesus Christ.

Tony    The Ancelottis said I should use their chopper. It's at the heliport on
        top of the entrance of the Booth Tunnel.

Luis    What we gonna do with a chopper?
Tony    What do you think we're doing on this outing? We're looking for Gracie.
Luis    You got any ideas where we might start doing that? It's a big city,
Tony    I may be semi-suicidal, but I'm not completely stupid, Luis.
Luis    You ain't even semi-suicidal, T. You're just overly-dramatic. I
        wouldn't be surprised if that gun was just a movie prop.
Tony    We've been in enough shit recently for me to carry something a little
        bit more dangerous than a prop gun.
Luis    You'd think you'd know enough with all the shit we been in to take the
        safety off a gun before you use it.
Tony    Fair point. I'll get a post-it note for the next time. "Disengage
        before suicide attempt."
Luis    "Self-indulgent cry for help", you mean.
Tony    Okay. I need your help, Luis. You're all I've got left. You happy now?
        I said it. Well done. You win, jackass.
Luis    Okay, bro. Where we looking for this girl then?
Tony    There's some lowlifes in Dukes who might be involved. Losers even by
        current mob standards, which is saying something.
Luis    You from Dukes, ain't you?
Tony    I try to forget about that.
Luis    Okay. So we head over there and do what? Land on the roof and ask them
        where they got Gracie?
Tony    We just got to follow them. See if they take us anywhere interesting.
Luis    Okay, bro. Let's hope for the best.
Tony    Who knows what they could have done to that girl? She could be dead at
        the bottom of the West River now.
Luis    Or she could be driving some son of a bitch kidnapper crazy. I wouldn't
        wish that nasal whining voice on the worst guy out there. Gracie's got
        my backing over some chump hood from Dukes.
Tony    You're right. That could be the smart bet. Her old man said something
        interesting to me, by the way.
Luis    Oh yeah, what did he say?
Tony    He's blaming us for this whole thing. Either we get her back or we're
Luis    That's definitely interesting. How the fuck did he get that in his
        head? I barely know the girl.
Tony    It's the diamonds, Lou. Rocco's had a word with him.
Luis    Motherfucking guido hejo cabrone.
Tony    Shit. I just got forwarded a photo of Gracie from the kidnappers. The
        girl does not look good.
Luis    Hey, who knows. Bound and gagged might be the look for guido sluts next
        season. Anyways, look on the bright side, at least she's alive.

Luis    What's this chopper for?
Tony    There are some punks in Dukes that might have a link to this thing.
        We're going to follow them and see if they lead us to our girl.
Luis    Okay. It's a shot in the dark, but it might work.
Tony    Let's hope so.
Luis    You calmed down now, T?
Tony    Of course I'm calm. I'm really calm. Why wouldn't I be calm?
Luis    I don't know, you did just point a gun at me. You nearly just shot
Tony    That? Oh yeah. I'm cool. Mellow.
Luis    Good. Because we're going to need to really hold shit together for a
        while if we want to survive this shit.
Tony    What do you mean? If we're going to get Gracie back?
Luis    I wasn't talking about that. I mean, I really want to get Gracie back,
        but at the end of the day that ain't our main problem.
Tony    What? We've got to get her back, alright.
Luis    All I'm saying is there are bigger problems we got to deal with. If
        Gracie came back tomorrow, we'd still be looking down the gun. We got
        debts, who knows how many people want us dead. At some point we're
        gonna have to start getting selfish...
Tony    Who cares about us? Gracie's safety has got to be our priority; she's
        an innocent.
Luis    An innocent? Come on, T. Her dad's one of the biggest mobsters in the
        city. He runs a family, can't he handle this?
Tony    He's blaming us, Lou.
Luis    He's doing what!?
Tony    The diamonds. He says it's got something to do with the diamonds and
        Gracie hanging out with us. He's holding us responsible for the whole
        fucking mess.
Luis    What about that fucking greasy cabrone Rocco? He should be taking the
        shit for this. It ain't us, T.
Tony    They look after their own.
Luis    Fuuuuuuuuuck!
Tony    Shit. Rocco just forwarded me a photo of Gracie. They've gagged her!
Luis    I bet they have. Bro, I want to gag the bitch most times I see her.
        Joking, man. I was joking.

Tony    Here's the Ancelotti chopper. Let's not screw it up as well.
Luis    Come on. Hurry up, man.
Tony    Take us over to Cerveza Heights. Their house is over there.

Luis    So, this isn't about Gracie, it's about saving our own asses?
Tony    Yes. This is a purely selfish act. Are you happy now?
Luis    Yeah, strangely I am. Now that I've realized I'm being blackmailed into
        doing this, it's becoming a lot clearer.
Tony    Great.
Luis    How are we going to get out of this, Tone?
Tony    What?
Luis    All this shit piling down on top of us. How are we going to get out?
        Have we got a plan?
Tony    I don't know. We could play the lottery, start a little ponzi scheme,
        buy some cheap diamonds and try to sell them at a profit. Oh wait,
        we've tried that and it's not going so well.
Luis    Fair enough.
Tony    You could marry a billionaress. That might get us out of our problems.
Luis    Oh yeah, I've already been pimped off once, T, and I nearly got killed
        because of it.
Tony    I'm serious, Lou, most of the girls in this city have fallen in love
        with you at least once, how come you can't manage to find a rich one?
Luis    'Cause I ain't like that.
Tony    I wish I had your principles, genius. At least you'll have a nice
        message on your gravestone. Mine will just say "Here lies unpopular
Luis    What the fuck's gotten into you?
Tony    I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm stressed, alright?
Luis    Aren't we all?

Luis    So, T, hypothetically, what would happen if we did find Gracie? We
        going to storm in there and make these kidnappers pay?
Tony    God no. Are you crazy?
Luis    Me fucking crazy? That's a bit rich coming from you.
Tony    You're the one who wants to start some armed offensive on the
        kidnappers of a mob skipper's daughter. What's the first thing they're
        gonna do? You've seen the movies. They'll cap her.
Luis    Oh, they'll "cap" her, will they, Mr. Streetwise Dangerous
        Motherfucker? Ain't we being held responsible for this shit anyway?
Tony    Being tangentially blamed for an abduction I can just about handle. She
        comes back with ten fingers, ten toes, a smile on her face, and a curse
        on her lips, then we'll be fine. She gets a coup de grace after some
        half-cocked rescue attempt, and we're well and truly assfucked. And not
        in a good way - prison style! Not gang-bang with a boy band style.
Luis    Thank you for sharing that image with me.
Tony    My pleasure. Now, no hero shit, Lou. Promise me. This is just a
        reconnaissance mission.
Luis    Sir, yes, sir. Observe and report.

Tony    I think that's the place we're looking for. That red car is leaving,
        follow it.

Tony    Where's he going?
Luis    I don't know where he's going, you idiot. That's why we're following
Tony    Okay, alright. But which way do you think he's heading?
Luis    West.
Tony    I can see he's going west. Where west?
Luis    There's a lot of shit west of Dukes. Could be Algonquin. Could head all
        the way over to Alderney. He might not be going west at all, might be
        heading over to the East Borough Bridge so he can get himself up to
        Bohan. Fuck, might just be heading down the block for a slice of pie.
Tony    Shit. Okay. Okay. I take your point. If you see him stopping, let me
Luis    You'll see him stopping too, bro. You ain't going to sleep on me, are
Tony    You think I could go to sleep at a moment like this?
Luis    What? You ain't got your pills?
Tony    No, I don't actually. I didn't even take any anti-anxiety and you know
        how I feel about flying.
Luis    You'll throw a guy out a chopper but you won't go for a ride in one?
        You should have shared your anti-anxiety pills with the Celebinator.
Tony    No amount of pills would prepare you for that.
Luis    Don't fuck with the Tony Prince empire, baby. That's what's up!
Tony    Public relations at its finest.
Luis    If we could throw every fucking blogger out a chopper, bro. Keep them
        fools in line.
Tony    We could start an outsourcing company. We'd be rich overnight.
Luis    Strangely enough, that's exactly what we need to be.
Tony    Stop driving suspiciously, Lou. He'll get wise to us.
Luis    Get wise? What, are we in some gumshoe novel now? I'm driving as
        unsuspiciously as you can when your boss only forked out for a weekend
        helicopter course. If he's getting wise, it's because you're a tight
Tony    You being anti-semitic now? Nice, next you'll call me a fag.
Luis    Oh yeah, play the minority card. Very clever. Unfortunately, I'm a
        minority too. So fuck you.
Tony    He's cutting back on himself. I thought he was heading west.
Luis    Well, now he's heading east. We won't lose him, man. We're cool.
Tony    Come on, you dumb Dukes fuck. Take us to her!
Luis    You yell loud enough he might just hear you.
Tony    Maybe if we concentrate hard enough we can will him to go there.
Luis    I thought you got over that spiritual shit when you stopped dating the
        yoga instructor.
Tony    There are things that stick with you forever.
Luis    Like the fact that he could get his ankles around his ears and eat a
        lot of mung beans. That image is gonna stick with me. Jesus. Where
        these guys from? Other than Dukes, I mean.
Tony    They're an Irish operation headed by this maniac called Gerald McReary.
        He's doing time at Alderney State.
Luis    Irish like those guys who robbed our bank? They could be the same ones
        that held me hostage.
Tony    Stranger things have happened.
Luis    What would they need a mob boss's daughter for when they got all the
        bank's money?
Tony    How the fuck do I know? I guess greed is a powerful motivator.
Luis    I got an idea.
Tony    Great. What is it?
Luis    We stop that fuck's car, we rig his balls to the battery. By the time
        he smells them cooking, we'll know exactly where Gracie's at.
Tony    This is a great bit of improvisiation, Lou. But I think we should just
        follow him Look. He's going through the Booth Tunnel.
Luis    I ain't going in there, T.
Tony    You think I want you to kill us? Go over and meet him where he comes
        out. Over by where we picked this chopper up.
Luis    Okay, boss.
Tony    I see him. He's crossed over to Alderney. He's coming outta the Booth
        right now.
Luis    You know how they got Gracie?
Tony    Something to do with that pink piece of shit car she had. They think
        the guy pretended he wanted to buy it.
Luis    She should have got suspicious the second anyone expressed interest in
        that thing. Actually, wait, I can see you driving a pink car, T.
Tony    Why? Because people call me Gay Tony? In that case, you'd probably
        think I've got massive sculptures of cocks in my apartment as well. Gay
        guys love that shit, you cliche-loving moron.
Luis    There was that one marble thing you bought.
Tony    That was art!
Luis    Yeah. Giant, veiney, penis-shaped art. At least you made a profit on
        it. Those were the days.
Tony    Where's he going? What's he doing in the parking lot?
Luis    What's he been doing driving anywhere? We give him a moment and call it
        in if it feels weird.
Tony    Okay. Okay. Why does everything feel weird to me?
Luis    Because you owe money to half the city and the other half wants you
        dead. Paranoia's advised in our situation.
Tony    That's him, isn't it? He better fucking take us back to Gracie now.
        Look! He's stopping. That must be where they're keeping Gracie.
Luis    It's somewhere, at least.
Tony    Which street is that?
Luis    I don't know Alderney well, bro, but I think the big one's Sacramento.
        Call it in.

Tony    I hope he's not paranoid.
Luis    He's just kidnapped a mob boss's daughter. He's got every reason to
        believe some of the most unpleasant cats on the Eastern Seaboard are
        about to knock down his door and rip out his tongue. If he ain't
        fucking paranoid then he's fucking stupid.
Tony    Then he's probably going to see us, isn't he? The first thing a
        paranoid man looks for is a chopper. Even after half a nostril full of
        blow I'm hearing rotor blades and squinting at the sky.
Luis    This is Liberty City, man. There must be twenty helicopters in this
        airspace at any given time. He ain't gonna think this chopper's got
        anything to do with him.
Tony    Don't doubt the imagination of a man on the brink.
Luis    Okay, bro. He might suspect we're chasing him. Let's hope he starts
        panicking and does something stupid.
Tony    Nothing as stupid as ordering a hit on poor little Gracie Ancelotti.
Luis    If he thinks he's paranoid now, it's nothing compared to the heat he'd
        feel if he ordered the death of a boss's girl.
Tony    The heat would be on us as well, Lou.
Luis    So let's hope he ain't as stupid as we've been led to believe.
Tony    What's he going back through the park for? He onto us?
Luis    He's just going for a drive, T.
Tony    He's going into the tunnel. We're fucked!
Luis    It's only got two exits, T. He should come right out over by where we
        picked up the chopper.
Tony    Or he could highjack some other car and we'll be sitting here waiting
        for him with our dicks in our hands.
Luis    Hey, my dick's in my pants, not my hand, T, and it's staying there.
        Let's just wait to see if he comes out.
Tony    Look! There he is. He's coming out of the tunnel on the Alderney side.
        He's going in the parking lot. What's going on?
Luis    I don't know. Shit.
Tony    She could be in the trunk of a car in there.
Luis    She could be in the trunk of the red piece of shit we're following.
Tony    They would have checked that. Let's see if he comes out. Look. He's
        there. Just lead us back to Gracie, you fucker!

Tony    Let's get this bird on the ground, Lou.
Luis    You gonna call him?
Tony    I'm texting.
Luis    Look at you, bro.
Tony    What?
Luis    Down with the kids.
Tony    You work in the business, Lou. You should know that club promoters are
        the first to master all new forms of communication.
Luis    Always find a new way of profiting.
Tony    If we pull this off, we'll profit - we'll get to keep our spinal cords.
Luis    Great. I like my spinal cord, bro. It would be fucking a shame to lose

Tony    Let's head back to the helipad. Okay. I've sent them the location.
Luis    So that's it.
Tony    What do you mean?
Luis    We did our bit. Ancelotti can't hold us responsible no more.
Tony    Sure. Yeah. Providing they find her and get her back safely. Then the
        only thing we've got to worry about with the Ancelotti's is the money
        we owe them and the fact that we got his baby girl kidnapped in the
        first place.
Luis    But we didn't get her kidnapped.
Tony    Shit, you're right. That fucker told me it was my fault so many times
        that I'm starting to believe it.
Luis    You need some rest, T.
Tony    Don't you worry, I'm taking a spa day the first opportunity I get.

Luis    Okay, man, let me know if they find Gracie.
Tony    I hope for our sake they do. See you soon, partner.

Luis    Hello?
Rocco   Hello, burrito.
Luis    Rocco, how'd you get my fucking number? I don't want to talk to you.
Rocco   Too bad, Mex. This line opened up just as soon as Tony took those
Luis    You know, Rock, your guinea ass is lower down this country's ethnic
        food chain than mine, so don't fucking condescend me.
Rocco   Oh! I got Senora Sensitive here. Hey, look, I respect you so I'm gonna
        talk straight a second. Tony's pissed a lot of people off. You need to
        control him.
Luis    Tony's gonna calm down as soon as you stop sending us on suicide
Rocco   Look at my position, it's some serious moula he owes. You think the
        higher powers are gonna stop expecting envelopes from me because of the
        homo's mid-life crisis? Doctors' notes don't cut it with these people.
Luis    Be reasonable then, Rock. Chinatown? Bahama Mamas? Those fucking bombs?
        That's some out of control shit, man.
Rocco   No! Tony's some out of control shit. Think about what he has got you
        into. But if you think about it too long then there might be no getting
        out of it. Comprende?
Luis    Not really, bro. Goodbye.

 MOMMA'S BOY (#al1)

Luis    Mami, soy yo! [hug]
Adriana Luis, this is Mr. Santo.
Luis    What's going on?
Santo   Hey, I guess I didn't recognize you from your mom not having any
        pictures of you up on the walls.
Luis    Yeah, I guess she doesn't have any up.
Santo   Now that you mention it, I guess mug shots don't sit along too well
        with graduation shots.
Luis    Yo, who the fuck are you?
Adriana Well, it's complicated. Mr. Santo is a businessman...
Santo   It's not that complicated when you think about it. You see, your mother
        here has been making that classic American mistake. In other words,
        she's been living beyond her means.
Luis    Hey bro, be polite when you talk about my mother, man.
Santo   I'm being very polite. See, I like her. She's a good woman. If I didn't
        like her, I would have burnt this building down by now.
Luis    Mami, you know you could have came to me for money.
Adriana But what would you do to get it?
Luis    Yeah, I wouldn't borrow it off a piece of shit like this.
Santo   Hey, be careful, kid. I could have you killed.
Luis    Oh, I'm really scared of you, motherfucker. Huh? How do you sleep at
        night, man, loan sharking to old women?
Santo   Hey. She called me, okay? It's business. We run a service. She knew the
        rules. She should have read the small print.
Luis    You know you really are a piece of shit.
Santo   I'm a businessman, and trust me, it could get a lot worse, my friend.
        Now, calm the fuck down. Your mother told me about you. Maybe you can
        help me pay off your mother's debt, that way this building doesn't have
        to come to an unfortunate end.
Luis    Yeah, okay.
Santo   Okay, let's go. As always, nice to see you, Ms. Lopez.
Adriana Luis, be careful.
Luis    Yes, bit rich coming from you.
Adriana You ought not to judge me, Luis Lopez. You're just like your father.

Santo   No need for transport. We going somewhere close. You gonna start
        fighting for money again.
Luis    Sorry bro, but I don't do that no more.
Santo   I saw you go a few years back. Could have been something if you didn't
        care so much about that pretty face of yours.
Luis    Thanks, but that ain't the reason I quit.
Santo   You ain't quittin' no more. My thinking is you were bad enough for no
        one to notice when you take a dive. You beat the first two guys I set
        you up with, then you fall on the third.
Luis    Shit, bro. I sure didn't think I'd be coming back here again. Man,
        there's probably even some guys on the scene that still remember me. If
        they ain't all fucked up by now. What if I get used to winning?
Santo   Then your momma better get used to me coming around and not being my
        usual friendly self.

Santo   Let's walk and talk. Good news. I bought you out of retirement. You're
        a fighter now.
Luis    That mean I get the opportunity to kick your ass?
Santo   No such luck, pretty boy. I got you set up at a tournament. You're
        gonna beat the first two guys. Then I'm gonna bet against you, and
        you're gonna let the third guy take you out.
Luis    LC Cage Fighters. Shit, bro. I spent some time in this place. Just like
        you must spend time round retirement communities and churches trying to
        scam old ladies. What if I don't want to take a fall?
Santo   Listen, man. You bitched out of a promising career to run around with a
        rich fag. Don't get too proud now.

Santo   What the fuck? You know how much money I had on that fight? Are you too
        fucking stupid to know when to lay down?
Luis    I guess I must be.
Santo   You're a fucking dead man. I'm gonna burn that bitch mom of yours, too.
Luis    I don't think you are, tough guy. This little game's over for you.

Adriana My boy. What have you been doing?
Luis    I been taking care of things for you, ma. That guy ain't coming around
        no more. Don't worry about it.
Adriana What kind of attitude is that to give your momma? Do you think you're
        something special? Like some baseball player? Like some gangster?
Luis    Mami, I didn't imply anything like that.
Adriana You organize parties, Luis. You're a bouncer? Don't act the big shot
        with me because I know who you are.
Luis    Mami, you don't know me! The most important people in the world come to
        our clubs, and I look after them. I am something, and I look after you.
        I'll see you soon, okay? Bye.

Santo   Hey man, you know you did the right thing. Nice to see a man like you
        swallow his pride for his mama.
Luis    Just stay the fuck away from her, okay? You got your money. We done.
Santo   You listen to me. I was there for your momma when you weren't. I think
        you must of lost some brain cells in that fight.
Luis    If I see you again I'll kill you, bro. I'm out.

Adriana Hijo.
Luis    I took a dive in that fight for you, Mami. You don't owe that guy any
        more money.
Adriana What you mean you took a dive? You mean you lost? You claim to be some
        big shot and you can't even win a fight for your momma.
Luis    I lost the fight for you, Mami.
Adriana I didn't ask you to lose no fight. I did not ask for losers in my
Luis    You know what? Forget about it, Ma. Just don't go borrowing any more
        money. See you soon.

[email protected]

Hey baby bro,
Heard some news from the midwest. Apparently Dad ran out on his new family too.
First it was the army, then us, and now his new set of kids. He's living with a
waitress or something. He's a fucking asshole, L. I can't believe you still
keep those photos of him up. Anyway, thought you'd want to know. Don't turn out
like that, okay? I know you're better than that. Just saying...

Hey sis, I figured it would happen some day. Man can't control himself. Send me
some pictures of your kids and I'll take down the ones of Dad. Much Love, Luis.

Please don't lecture me. I've seen Mom go through enough to not put someone
through that. L

[email protected]

I hope you are doing better than when we last spoke. Listen, I won't waste time
on pleasantries. I am sure your life as a pimp and drug pusher and night club
man is great, but you are killing Ma. She is worried sick and quite frankly,
I've had about enough. When the kids' break up for school, I've got half a mind
to come there and give you a piece of my mind.
You're pathetic, pal. You make me sick. Your life is a joke. Get real. I am
ashamed to call you my brother. Ashamed. I pretend you don't exist. My kids
think you're dead. But Ma needs better than what you give her. So that's why I
am emailing. So sort yourself out, or you will have me to answer to.
Your bro,

Ernesto! My dear brother! I hope being an accountant is still as much fun as
ever! Man you are so lucky! Looking at columns and numbers all day. I miss you,
bro. I really do. But since you left town and don't send Momma no money, I'm
about all she got left. Now, I ain't perfect, but at least I actually seen my
momma in the last five years. You call her up twice a year, then shout at me,
then disappear back to suburbia. So, please, go fuck yourself. I know your
tight ass wife ain't giving you none, although she try to get it on with me.
Your loving brother, Luis.

You such a big man you should send Momma some money. I would love to see you
come down here and talk to me. Your bro, L.


[Henrique walks over to sell to a pedestrian while Mando sits back to watch.]
Luis    Yo, what the fuck is wrong with you, man?
Mando   What do you mean, homie?
Luis    You can't be sitting here, man, watching him. Any fool policeman on his
        second day on the job will know you're the guy with the shit, man.
        You'll wind up back inside, you moron.
Mando   It's nice to see you, Mr. big shot. Real nice to see you. Captain
        Downtown come up here to talk down to his old friends.
Luis    Yeah, I just care about you guys, okay.
Mando   I don't have a choice, man. My right hand man got a single digit IQ.
        Hey, H, come over here, man. Of course, I could do what you did. Run
        the fuck away. Go fuck a man, or some shit.
Luis    Yo, I ain't fucking no man, bro. Okay? I'm working the best clubs in
        the city. I ain't going no where. I'm ten minutes away on the train.
        Ten fucking minutes.
[Henrique returns. They walk up the sidewalk.]
Luis    What's up, H? [handshake]
Mando   It's like it's another country down there. Ten fucking minutes. I'll
        give you ten fucking minutes. You ran away.
Luis    Yo, whatever, man.
Mando   Whatever.
Rique   Whatever.
Luis    You want a job, bro? I'll get you a job, man, you know that.
Mando   Yeah, yeah, for sure, man. I want a job sucking some aging playboy's
        cock. I want that job real bad. Sign me the fuck up.
Luis    You're such a dick, bro.
Mando   You would know.
Luis    Henrique, can you get the moron to shut up please?
Mando   I'm sorry man, I just miss you and maybe I express myself coarsely, but
        we was like family.
Luis    Oye, loco, we are family, man. But family doesn't mean we have to live
        up here, slinging dope to a bunch of suburban punks from Alderney, and
        complaining about how life could be. We are on the doorstep, man.
        Liberty fucking City. We could run the fucking world, man.
Mando   And are you running the world, or you running errands for some ass
Luis    Yo, Tony's alright, man...
Mando   [with Henrique] "He's like the daddy I never had." Fucking sugar daddy.
Luis    Aye, whatever, man.
[They reach Adriana's.]
Luis    Mami!
Adriana Luis! Boys!
Luis    Hey mami, como esta?
Mando   Mrs. L.
Rique   Hey, Mrs. Lopez.
Adriana How are you boys? Aye, Luis, you look tired.
Luis    Hey mami, I've been working. You know.
Adriana I do know, that's the problem. When you going to go back to school?
Luis    Aye, mami, por favor.
Adriana I hear you're going back to school, Armando.
Mando   I'm doing a MBA, Mrs L.
Luis    Hey, let's go. Mami, I gotta go, okay? But here, take this. [hands her
        a wad of cash]
Adriana Luis, take your life more seriously, baby. Please. Don't be like your
        father. Look at your brother, look at your sister. They're doing so
Luis    Mami, I know. But what do you expect. I got to hang out with morons
        like these two. Okay? Bye... Let's go.
Mando   Morons like us, eh, my brother?
Luis    Aye, you know how Mami is.
Mando   What, like a women who has been abandoned by her children?
Luis    Que?
Mando   Look look look look look - I know you think we small, I know you think
        we ain't shit - but that's why I hit you up, man.
Luis    Why?
Mando   Because we got something real coming down.
Luis    Yeah, the last time we had something real coming down, I did two years.
Mando   Look, I'm not going to insult your intelligence by telling you shit is
        gonna be different now. But it is.
Rique   It is.
Mando   Come on, trust me... Let's go.

Mando   Business is going down in East Hook, bro. Get us over there.

Luis    Yo Mando, Rique, I'm serious about this, man. You need to get out of
        this place; make something of yourselves.
Mando   Easy for you to say, Dom Juan. I don't get your problem with the
        neighborhood. The Heights ain't all bad, bro.
Luis    Oh yeah. Sure it ain't, man. How many kids from our class stuck around
        up here? None that did anything. Them punks Oscar, Willy, and Alonso
        did and look where they at.
Mando   Fuck them. You had some good times here. Don't forget about that shit.
        Remember the summer of '99?
Luis    Yeah I do, it was damn hot that year, wasn't it?
Rique   Hot as shit up here in '99.
Mando   And we started getting into that Vespucci University toto. Remember
Luis    Nothing quite like college girls.
Mando   Even Rique got him some, didn't he?
Luis    Yo, shit, that librarian girl.
Mando   Fucked the glasses right off her nose.
Rique   Hu hu hu hu. I sure did.
Luis    Yo, A, everybody gotta grow up someday.
Mando   Not if you live next to a college, you don't. Them bitches stay the
        same age your whole life.
Luis    True bro, but that's not what I meant.
Mando   I know. Shit. How them Gomez boys anyway, Luis?
Luis    Hey, you know I don't see them dumb fucks no more.
Mando   Five-O think you do. Five-O asking us about you and them all the time.
        "You seen Luis Lopez up here with the Gomez boys?"
Rique   "You seen Mr. Luis Fernando Lopez associating with Willy Valero?"
Mando   It's like they're obsessed.
Luis    Yeah man, you get bagged with a couple of punks it's like you
        associated with them for the rest of your life. Five-O's dumb, fucking
        useless bro. No wonder crime's outta control in this city.
Mando   I can think of a few other reasons too.
Luis    Speaking of crime, bro, what the fuck are we doing here?
Mando   Me and Rique got a new package. Shit's good enough for us to start
        seriously stepping on shit and making some real profit.
Rique   Product then profit then pussy: 'P.P.P.' That's how it works, bro.
Luis    Sure it does, Rique. Can you remind me why I'm coming along on a
        motherfucking dope deal? I don't touch that shit no more, man. I got a
        legitimate source of income.
Mando   Chill out, bro. We just having a final meet with the guy to smooth out
        some details. It would really help if we had a respectable punk like
        you along.
Luis    Yo, this is just for appearances, right? You sure?
Mando   Yo. Sure I'm sure. Just for appearances. We shaking hands with the man
        is all. Nothing incriminatory.
Luis    Fuck, bro. Okay. Okay. Only 'cause I love you guys. You should know
Rique   Shit, Mando. You right.
Mando   What?
Rique   The big queen really has groomed this fool. He gay, gay, gay, gay, gay,
Luis    Fuck you, bro.
Mando   Heavy armament be the best ways to dissuade foolish cats from action.
        Take an auto shottie and some grenades, L.
Luis    Just what we need for a friendly tete-a-tete.

Luis    Hit me with it then.
Rique   Hit you with what? I ain't dickslapping you, homo.
Luis    Shut up you fucking idiot. What's this "real" shit that ain't nothing
        at all like the other "real" shit that got my ass locked up? Tell me.
Mando   What's that attitude for, bro? We don't want your help if you going to
        be all self-righteous and shit.
Rique   Don't condescend on us, bro.
Mando   Yeah. Don't condescend at us. Especially since prison was a good thing
        for you.
Rique   Be thankful for that, L. You came out a changed man.
Mando   Luis Lopez - poster child for rehabilitation. That shit worked on you.
Rique   You met Tony in that prison outreach program, too. From there on it was
        all up for you.
Mando   Yeah, bro. That was the moment when you put down the gun and picked up
        the pork sword.
Luis    Unfortunately, I ain't no poster child. I'm still hanging out with
        degenerates like you, ain't I? And it ain't exactly like Tony's
        operation is always completely above board.
Mando   Yeah, dick sucking's well below board. You right.
Luis    Yo, enough with the gay jokes, you moron. For once, give me a break.
Mando   Shit! Alright. Alright.
Rique   Damn. Luis mad.
Luis    So, again, what the fuck are we doing?
Mando   Chill, bro. We meeting a new business associate. It's taken me and
        Rique a long time to get in with this guy. He gonna start selling us
        weight on a large enough scale, with a good enough purity so we gonna
        be able to roll with your rich friends. Wouldn't that be nice?
Luis    This package sounds too good to be true, A. What this fool want to be
        running with low-rate corner boys like you for?
Mando   We got us a rep now. Eventually, if you put in the hours...
Rique   And we sure as shit put in the hours, bro.
Luis    Good for you guys, but what's this got to do with me?
Mando   We, ummmm.... we need to put out a public face. This deal ain't
        completely worked through and we thought it might look good having you
        along. To show we ain't some shit operation. Don't let it go to your
        head, L, but you look like you mean business.
Rique   Looks can be deceiving. He looks like a balla, but the only balls he
        plays with are Tony's!
Luis    Rique, man. I told you to cut it out.
Rique   Sorry, bro. Couldn't resist.
Luis    Alright. I'll meet this motherfucker for you. Damn.
Mando   Strap up, bros. An auto shottie and some grenades for peace of mind.
Luis    Just what we need for a friendly tete-a-tete.

Papi    Fucking cocksuckers. [looking at his watch]
Mando   Papi! What's up, man? [handshake] Mi hermano. What's good?
Papi    Chilling bro.
Mando   Aiight.
Rique   Papi, what's up? [handshake]
Papi    What up baby? Yo, but who's this clown right here?
Luis    Yo, be easy, bro.
Mando   Whoa whoa whoa whoa. This is Luis Lopez. He's our boy.
Luis    Yo, you got to say my name, bro?
Mando   Luis, you don't got to worry about shit. Papi's a businessman. Legit.
Rique   He's our connection, bro.
Mando   Purest package in town.
Papi    You know I got that raw baby, you already know.
Mando   To a fruitful relationship. [handshake]
[Police sirens wail in the distance and approach rapidly.]
Papi    What the fuck? That's sirens, yo. You, motherfucker, you set me up,
        huh? You were followed, right?
Mando   We wasn't, were you baby?
Rique   What's going on, bro? What's going on?
Mando   They must have got in our phones.
Papi    Yo, fuck that, you fucking amateurs. I'm outta here, man.

Luis    The cops were on your phones? How the fuck you know that?
Mando   I heard some clicking, bro. I shoulda picked it.
Luis    Anything else these guys gonna know from your phone conversations?
Mando   It was a burner, bro. No details, just time and place.
Luis    I hope they don't pick up your connect, bro. He knows my name.
Mando   That guy knows how to run. They ain't touching him.
Rique   You ain't going back inside, L. We look after you.
Luis    Oh yeah, thanks, H.
Mando   So much for that package, Rique.
Rique   Package don't mean shit if we get incarcerated, A.

Luis    So much for that package of yours.
Mando   Whole load of work for nothing, bro. Fuck!
Luis    Yo Armando, you got to be careful of them phones, man. People are onto
        that shit. The Jingoism Act, that shit means they can pretty much read
        your thoughts now and get away with it.
Mando   Thanks for the lecture, professor. I didn't know a two year stretch
        qualified you to teach Street Life 101.
Luis    Yeah, I ain't lecturing. I'm just looking out for my boys.
Mando   Ain't that what you do at them clubs of yours?
Rique   He looks out for boys in tight denim shorts.
Luis    Oh, wow, we back there again?
Mando   Luis bro, you want us to come downtown to lecture you on interior
Rique   Or Boulevard musicals?
Mando   Or sucking cock?
Rique   I don't think you do.
Luis    Oh yeah, sabes que. Now that you mention it, I could do with some dick
        sucking lessons. I hear you nailed your technique on that last bid
        upstate, A.
Mando   We was just close friends. Whatever anyone told you is fucking
        bullshit, man. Fucking bullshit! He's a good guy, got three kids.
Luis    I think we hit a nerve.
Rique   Someone misses their cellmate! Ohhhh weeee!
Mando   Fuck you, both of you!
Luis    I don't see why you guys are giving me shit. You was the ones who asked
        me to come along on this thing.
Mando   We asked you along to look pretty. We didn't know shit was gonna fuck
Luis    Well shit did fuck up and I nearly got killed so I think I earned the
        right to be heard for a second.
Rique   Ohhhhhh! Luis got his panties in a twist.
Mando   Speak your piece, bro.
Luis    Look. As you say, I ain't an expert in this shit, but I do run a
Mando   You run Tony's shit, do you? Where's the money then?
Luis    You gonna listen to me or what? You never going to get anywhere if you
        guys are the ones selling on the corner. There's enough chumps out
        there to do that work for you. Just get involved in the high level
        shit. And never talk on the motherfucking phone.
Mando   That's all well and good, bro. But selling ain't our issue. It's
        getting hold of product.
Luis    What are you talking about? There's product all over the city. Just
        take it off motherfuckers.
Mando   Steal that shit?
Luis    They ain't exactly gonna call up Five-O, are they?
Mando   You could be right, bro. Other than this shipment we being paid to
        oversee, there ain't nothing else coming in for us. We might just have
        to start ripping people off. You gonna help us?
Luis    Yo, man. I don't know. I could do with the money but you boys is
Rique   Luis back on board, bro. I know it.

Luis    Shit! You all alright, bros? No severe injuries back there?
Rique   I'm cool, L. I thought for a second they mighta shot my freaking balls
Mando   That wasn't blood running down your leg, bro. You just wet yourself.
Rique   I pissed myself, did I? You the one who couldn't hold it in in Mrs.
        Lebowitz's class.
Mando   Fuck you. That was third grade!
Luis    Oh shit! You did, didn't you? I wouldn't go making no piss jokes, A.
Rique   Mrs. Lebowitz? Didn't you go back and screw that bitch, L?
Luis    Fuck you. You insane? She was our third grade teacher.
Mando   Luis fucked Miss Adams, we had her in eighth.
Luis    Oh yeah. I forgot about that. What can I say, man, I was the star
Mando   You was a victim of child abuse, you sick fuck.
Rique   I'd let that bitch abuse the shit outta me right now. Oh yeah.
Luis    Alright bro, I was young. I was stupid. But more importantly, you
        getting any toto yourself at the moment?
Mando   Sure am. Nice little girl by the name of Carmen Ortiz, lives out in
        So Bo.
Luis    Ortiz? Shit, how come I know that name? She a nurse?
Mando   Yeah. Yeah. You know her?
Luis    Shit. Yeah. Ummm... we had a thing about a year ago. She kinda nasty,
Rique   Shit. Sorry, A.
Mando   Yo, man, that don't mean nothing. What you know about women anyway?
        Carmen's sweet.
Rique   Yo, A, I... ummm... I'm not sure about that.
Mando   What do you mean?
Rique   I fucked her too, bro. She pretty nasty.
Luis    Damn. You too, Rique? Fuck.
Mando   Who hasn't had this piece of ass?
Rique   I had to cut that girl loose, bro. You're lucky I did, otherwise you
        wouldn't be getting shit right now.
Luis    Business as usual, then.
Mando   Screw the both of you.

Mando   Thanks, bro. You know I hate to ask this now you all Johnny-lawful and
        shit, but me and Rique are gonna need to do some serious work if we
        gonna maintain shit on these streets. We could use someone we can
Luis    Yo. You know I said I wouldn't get involved in that no more. I'll have
        to think about it, bro.
Rique   Thanks, Luis. We'll see you soon, yeah.


[Adriana brings plates of food to Armando and Henrique.]
Luis    Mami! It's me.
Adriana Ah, hello baby.
Luis    Hola mami, como esta? Hi, hi. [hug]
Mando   Yo yo, wassup, man?
Rique   Yo, wassup, man?
Luis    Aye dio, mami, perro que to, you always taking care of the down and
        outs. I mean, it's a beautiful thing, but you gotta let them into the
Adriana These are my boys, baby, just like you. I watched them grow up.
Luis    Yeah well, apparently your boys and your real son got some work to do,
        so ladies, we gotta roll. Come on, let's go.
[They stuff their faces and set the plates down.]
Mando   Mrs. L, you're still the best cook I know.
Luis    Here you go, mami, take this, okay? [hands her a wad of cash] Take
        care, I gotta go.
Adriana Take care? You take care, son. Dealing drugs, people getting killed,
        nightclubs. You take care. Go to school. Go somewhere. It's not too
        late, my baby.
Luis    Mami, but you got it all wrong. I mean, it's not like that anymore. You
        know, I know good people, I know bad people, you know, but I know the
        difference. I mean, I know I made mistakes, but things are better now.
        I mean, how many times we gotta go over this?
Adriana If things are better now, then why are you always like this?
Luis    Right, but you take the money, right? You take the fucking money every
Adriana Get out of my house. What choice do I have? I lost my job.
Luis    Yeah well, call one of your other kids. The one you ain't ashamed of.

Mando   Hurry it up.
Luis    I'm coming. I'm coming.
Mando   Yo. We heading to the docks in Bohan.

Mando   Yo, man, you gotta let up on your mom.
Luis    [translated] I hear you, man, but bro, she rides me too hard, man.
Mando   Hanging downtown made you forget who you is, L.
Luis    What you mean?
Mando   I mean you a fuckin' Dominican. All Dominican mommas ride their hijos
        like that. You think me and Rique don't get shit too?
Rique   Damn right.
Mando   Rique's momma wants his ass to go to college someday. Fool couldn't
        even spell SAT, let alone GED, I doubt he can even spell ABC.
Rique   Only thing I can spell is DVDA. Your sister taught me that.
Mando   I believe it, bro. She was always a save the world, special needs
        helping type girl.
Rique   Special needs to jump on my dick.
Luis    You boys gonna tell me what's happening here?
Mando   Yo, we doing some contract work - getting paid to escort a shipment for
        some people.
Rique   That gonna be some unruly shit, bro. We need us another set of eyes.
Mando   There gonna be too many people under our purview to cope on our own.
        And considered your experience as a man manager, we thought...
Rique   You the supervisor at two successful businesses. This is your forte.
Luis    Okay. Okay. Enough of the flattery. I'll help you guys.

Luis    Bohan, is it? What's happening over there?
Mando   We being paid to oversee the movement of a shipment, bro. Just got to
        get it back to the Heights and we get paid.
Rique   Easy money, bro. We getting paid for real.
Luis    Oh, de verdad? You getting paid for real? My guess is you getting chump
        change for some dangerous work. You're being paid a fraction of what
        the shit is worth, but you taking all the risk by escorting it across
        the city.
Mando   You believe this guy, H? Comes up here to give us another motherfucking
Rique   Professor Lopez from the University of Downtown. Department of "I'm a
        expert in fucking everything."
Mando   He always was a college fool. Kid loved the Vespucci scene more than
        us, didn't he? Hanging with them trust fund bitches must have given him
        the taste for cash.
Luis    Yo, whatever, bro. You guys want to keep running bids for that shit
        money, go for it.
Rique   What we meant to do if we don't got the rep to be able to control our
        own shipments? You saw what went down the other day.
Luis    I guess there's nothing you can do for now, if you're so interested in
        being a drug dealer. But you got to try to get out of this petty hand
        to mouth shit.
Rique   Better than ass to mouth.
Luis    Oh for fuck's sake. Please shut up, you chump.
Rique   Sorry, man.

Mando   This is the place. They're bringing the stuff in off that boat. We
        gonna bring it up here to get in these cars, then all we got to do is
        get them back to the Heights.
Rique   Easy peasey.
Mando   I'll watch these guys up here. H, L, check the dudes by the river.
Luis    Oye mi pana, this looks like a serious amount of shit coming in.
Rique   You think we'd be in for some serious time if Five-O catch us with
Luis    Yeah, bro. Or a serious amount of heat if some stickup guys hear what's
        going down. Who these boys you got working for you?
Rique   They people from the neighborhood.
Luis    You trust 'em?
Rique   Why you think we asked you to come along and observe? You the only guy
        we trust, L.

Luis    Damn, Henrique. That shit was fucked up.
Rique   Fucked up? What you talking about, bro? That was some of the most
        successful shit I participated in.
Luis    Successful? Shit bro, I know you slow but you can't have failed to
        notice them hoods trying to rip us off back there.
Rique   You mean them motherfuckers we took down?
Luis    Yes. Them motherfuckers. Precisely.
Rique   That just the way things is in the business. Bro, we walked away with
        the shit. We get it back home and we going to get paid. This is a mad
        success for us.
Luis    Diablo, you guys work hard for your money.
Rique   Only way to work.
Luis    Nah, bro. You don't need to work this hard. It's just the only way you
        know about.
Rique   We don't all got what you got, L. I ain't got your looks. I ain't got
        your brains. All I got is my guts, my gun, and Armando.

Luis    Fuck, bro. At least we ain't there when the police is showing up.
        That's the one consolation I can think of.
Rique   Consolation? It's the paycheck is gonna console my ass.
Luis    This ain't real money. Take how much you get paid for this and divide
        it by how many bodies you had to drop back there. Then see if that
        shit's real money.
Rique   Fuck that math stuff. You know I can't divide nothing.
Luis    Mira, all I'm saying is you had to take down a lot of people to earn
        not very much money. Ain't a good business model, man.
Rique   They came at us, bro. It weren't our fault they gone now.
Luis    Okay, man. Fair enough.
Rique   This may be shit, but at least we work for ourselves. We ain't
        someone's bitch.
Luis    You everyone's bitch! I'm sorry, Henrique, but you ain't got shit.
Rique   We got our pride.
Luis    You even know what means, bro?
Rique   Nah, bro. I just like saying it.

Mando   Thanks for your help, bro.
Luis    Yeah, I guess my shooting was more important than my man management
        skills on this "business trip".
Mando   For real. We gonna get paid, bro. Give us a call, okay.
Rique   Yeah, dude. Let's hang.

Luis    Hey Mami.
Adriana Luis. I saw that nice man Mr. Santo again.
Luis    Nice man? Mami, he's a loan shark! You didn't borrow no money, did you?
Adriana No. He helped me with my shopping. He is a real gentleman. You could
        learn so much from him.
Luis    Stay away from him, Mami. Listen to me on this.



Mori    Hey, Lou!
Luis    It's Luis.
Mori    Yeah, whatever. Come here, give me some love. Right here. [handshake]
Luis    So - what do you want? Tony said you needed a favor.
Mori    What, I look like a charity case to you?
Luis    Can I plead the fifth on that one?
Mori    That's - that's funny. You're funny, you're fucking funny. Funny for a
        guy with all those pecs, but you got the lats of a little girl. And man
        you need calf implants, look at you. And you know, I'm guessing, just
        from looking at you, you ain't exactly packing a ten-inch hose. Me? I
        make girls wince. Wince.
Luis    Just to level with you for a minute, bro, Tony owes you money. Tony's
        my boss and my friend, so I'll help you out a little, but if you
        mention my 'hose' again, I'll put you in the fucking ground.
Mori    Jesus Christ, man - you're pent up. Come on, I didn't mean anything by
        it. I apologize. Alright look, let's rewind, we'll restart, we'll
        relax. Come here. Page one. Give me a hug. Eh? Give me a hug.
[Luis gives him a one-arm hug. Brucie walks in.]
Mori    That's it. Now where were we? Oh, well if it isn't my brother the
Brucie  Mori... what are you doing here, bro? And who's this guy?
Mori    It's Lou.
Luis    It's Luis.
Mori    Right. It's nice to see you too, little brother. Jesus, you look pale.
        What, somebody die?
Brucie  Unfortunately not, man. What are you doing here, Mori?
Mori    I am thinking about moving back home. You see, I've been hearing
        stories about you getting somewhat above yourself, and I'm worried
        about you.
Brucie  Mori, don't worry about me, man. I'm fine. Okay? I'm going to be just
        fucking fine.
Mori    Jesus - who is training you? Man oughta be horse-whipped. Look at you.
        You're lumpy. You're like - a- awful, like a big pale mess. And you're
        fat, bro. Oh jeez, you're fat.
Brucie  Screw you, Mori, man... you're, you're...
Mori    "You're, you're"... Perfect? Yeah. Chiseled, tanned, handsome. I'm the
        dream ticket. Yeah, Mom always warned me that you were a lazy kid. I
        bet you've been juicing.
Brucie  Of course I haven't.
Mori    [sniffing] No, no, no. Yeah, I smell it on you. Fear. But I'm back now,
        Baby B. I'm b-b-b-back. And your life just got fun again. Come on, Lou.
        Let's roll. Oh, and fat boy - you better let your friends know about
        me, because Kibbutz number one... [flexing] is back in town. And this
        time... [removing his shirt to show his tattoo] it's kosher. See ya,
        wouldn't want to be ya... fag!

Mori    Yeah, we're meeting some cats up on Chase Point.

Luis    What you need done, Mori?
Mori    Oh, we got some very intense shit to handle.
Luis    I'm hoping you mean you got some boxes to move, something like that?
        That's about as intense as I'm willing to get for you.
Mori    Wow, it's incredible - he looks like a man, but he talks like a pussy.
Luis    Mori, man, you're a business guy. So you should stick to your business
        shit. Don't get involved in stuff that's out of your league because of
        some small-man syndrome that makes you overcompensate.
Mori    Whoa, whoa, there's nothing small about what I got going on, Lopez. Yo,
        you need me to take out the monster? I'll whap that shit on the
        dashboard, see what you think of it. Yo yo, you'll think it's suddenly
        dark in here. I'm talking serious block the sun shit. Oh, hah! Hey,
        just don't hold me responsible for your inadequacy issues after that,
        huh? Oh!
Luis    Don't take nothing out, bro. Keep it to yourself. Keep the monster away
        from me, and listen to what I'm saying. This shit comes from the heart,
        okay? I don't wanna see you getting in over your head. For a man of
        your height, that's gotta be easy to do.
Mori    Whoa, whoa, slow up, dog. I think you're mistaken in your impression of
        me. I look like a civilian to you?
Luis    You look like a lot of things, bro. A lot of neuroses in one tiny
        package. Kind of like an army knife without the edge.
Mori    You think because of my lumpy little brother that I don't swing on the
Luis    I never said you weren't a swinger, man. Come to think of it, I mighta
        seen you on one of them websites.
Mori    Alright, enough with the jokes. Look, I done three years Israeli
        military - I've seen shit you wouldn't even believe.
Luis    I done three years helping to run Hercules. I seen shit you wouldn't
Mori    Hey, how many guys got juice to get into some Foreign Legion shit when
        they're 18? You were probably still sucking on your momma's titty at
        that age.
Luis    I was doing time, bro. And leave my momma out of it.
Mori    Things I saw over there were insane, dog. Insane. I'd tell you about it
        but then I'd have to kill you right here. I could do it, too... with my
        bare hands... wouldn't even think twice about it... but I won't, Lou. I
        won't because I like you, heh. Special Forces don't even begin to
        describe my shit.
Luis    Special sounds about right to me...
Mori    Look, I came back here after the service and I'd changed, man, I'd
        changed. You think it's easy to sit down to Econ 101 when you been
        icing fools?
Luis    I would not know, bro.
Mori    Still got my 4.0 though, didn't I? No, give it up, right here.
Luis    Good for you, bro. You want to send me a resume so we can skip all this
        personal history crap?
Mori    No, I want you to understand, Luis, that I got the brain and the brawn.
        The meat and potatoes. MBA plus IDF equals "do not fuck with this
        bitch." I got it all, brother. I can handle anything.
Luis    Yeah. Okay. Fine. Whatever. Remind me what we are doing now?
Mori    We are paying a visit to some of my old, uhh, business associates.
        We're gonna take over their operation. Clear those fucks out.
Luis    Perfect. Just perfect. Another fucking war.
Mori    Fuck yeah!

Mori    Oh, exciting times, Lou! These are some excitin' times. Hah hah!
Luis    Why, bro, what's the excitement? We heading to a surprise party? You
        getting a sex op? What?
Mori    Oh, you got a lot to learn, driver. You should try to stick your head
        out that club occasionally and soak up the atmosphere. In this climate
        there is more to think about than parties and plastic surgery.
Luis    Yeah, sure, bro, I was just getting facetious on you.
Mori    We are at a turning point in history, Luis. Right now. Things are
        turning. Oh, God yeah! I can almost feel it.
Luis    I guess you right. Things just turned shit.
Mori    That's a typical short-sighted, negative viewpoint. Can't see your tiny
        hose through your bushy pubes. Shave those things off, by the way.
        They're unappetizing. See, I've been bald since I was 19. I set the
        trends, I don't follow them.
Luis    I told you about that hose shit, midget. It's creeping me the fuck out.
Mori    Yeah alright, alright, alright - where was I? Oh yeah, yeah, see, I
        love guys like you. Guys like you make guys like me rich.
Luis    How's that?
Mori    Well at this very moment there are fantastic opportunities for anyone
        with some money in a bank and some balls in their sack. Cash is falling
        out of the sky!
Luis    This is the part where you ask me to hand over my life savings so you
        can "invest" it for me, right? My moms might fall for that shit, but
        she believes that dogs bark at ghosts so maybe she's an easy touch.
Mori    Ah, really, Lou? Cause if you got your mom's number there, you know, I
        might want to give her a call!
Luis    Funny, bro. Real funny. One thing I can rely on at least is mom knowing
        you were a little asshole if she met you.
Mori    Yo whoa, what you mean? 'Cause she's old and wise? Hey, hey, hey I fuck
        cougars too, Luis. If they look after themselves, that is. I am an
        equal opportunity lay. I'll fuck anything.
Luis    The issue with what you were saying is that it's the money in the bank
        thing that people is having problems with right now.
Mori    Maybe! If you're a schmuck like my brother, maybe. You see old B's
        over-exposed like a motherfucker. He's got debt you wouldn't believe
        and assets he don't exist. If someone could get a prize for buying at
        the top of the market, it'd be that sucker. If Brucie was a stock, I'd
        short him all I could.
Luis    He's your brother, bro. Can't you help?
Mori    Brother or no, he's gotta learn. I'm feeling bearish about him. Sell!
        Sell! Sell! God, sell!
Luis    So what's your master plan then, Mori? Where the billions coming from?
Mori    Oh, I'm all about master plans. I got more than I know what to do with.
        You see, the big businesses of the next decade are gonna get formed in
        this downturn, and Mori K is gonna be there on the ground floor.
Luis    Good thing too, bro. 'Cause a guy of your stature might find it tough
        if it was on anything higher than street level.
Mori    Oh! Hah hah hah hah heh heh heh, yeah yeah. Fucking funny.
Luis    Yeah anyway, bro, that's besides the point. What we doing right now?
Mori    This is the first investment. Mergers and acquisitions, baby. I seen a
        business that ain't been run well, so we're about to take the
        controlling share.
Luis    Okay. Let's get it over with.

Mori    [whistles] Hey you!
Man     What the fuck are you doing here, Mori?
Mori    Oy vey, motherfuckers!
Man     Dude, we told you we ain't in business with you no more. You're a rip
        off merchant.
Mori    No more cooperation, my friends. It's hostile takeover time, hand it
Man     Fuck you, Mori, you midget prick. You ripped us off for the last time.
        Let's get these fuckers!

Mori    Fuck yeah, bitch. Dock up and I'll bust on out of here.

Luis    Hey bro, I can't imagine you got much of a business left now that we
        taken out all your employees.
Mori    Imagination isn't your strong suit, Luis. Let's leave the logistics to
        me, huh?
Luis    I'm more than happy to leave everything to you, Mori. In fact, I don't
        wanna be no part of any of this shit.
Mori    Correct me if I'm wrong, but you and Tony are business partners, aren't
Luis    Sure.
Mori    Well, I own Tony. Ergo, I own your ass as well. Get used to it.
Luis    Hey, no one owns me, bro.
Mori    Ooh, I beg to differ.

Luis    Here we go, bro. You gonna get out my face now?
Mori    Woo! Sure, I am. Sure. You did great. I'm feeling real bullish about,
        Lou. Real fucking bullish.
Luis    Good to know.
Mori    Hey, you come by soon. We got some more shit to discuss.


[Brucie struggles over a game of chess before finally moving a piece. Luis
walks in.]
Mori    Hey Lou! Come on in... hang on one second...
[Mori moves his own piece.]
Mori    Check... mate. See ya! Little thicko never went to college... I never
        got into an Ivy League school. I got into two! Come on, let's get outta

Mori    Algonquin heliport. Come on, hit it.

Mori    So, I got a proposition for you, Louie.
Luis    It's Luis, bro.
Mori    It'll be Little Louise if I want it to be. You still owe me money, so
        you're still my bitch.
Luis    Man, Tony, you owe me, bro. Making me hang out with this jackass.
Mori    Now listen to me, I got a wager.
Luis    I ain't having no monster measuring contest, bro. I keep telling you I
        ain't into that creepy shit.
Mori    Oooh! My jackhammer would crush the shit outta you, bitch. No, no, no,
        no. I'm talking a fair bet. Calculated risk.
Luis    What's on the line, then, you terrifyingly insecure midget?
Mori    Well, how about everything Tony owes me? And I promise to get out of
        your life if you win.
Luis    That sounds too good to be true, bro. What happens if I lose?
Mori    I get everything. You're rolling with me full time, hombre. Buddies for
        life. Mmmwah.
Luis    All or nothing, eh? Heavenly peace or a lifetime of being tortured by
        some hellish imp? Shit is tough.
Mori    Calculated risk. What are you gonna do?
Luis    Okay. So what we betting on?
Mori    It's a race, you fucking pussy. All around the city. Only for serious
        high roller cats. Choppers, boats, cars, and everything inbetween.
Luis    So all I gotta do is win that and you out of our lives?
Mori    In theory, yes. But that ain't gonna happen, dog. 'Cause I never lost
        at nothing in my whole life. Maybe that's because I had a brother as
        pathetic as little B, or maybe it is because I am the S-H-I-T, bitch!
Luis    Yeah, you shit alright.
Mori    Now if you do win, which you won't, you just got to help me with one
        more thing and then all your contractual obligations are released.
Luis    Hey, here's to that.

Luis    How's that business of yours? I been looking in them financial papers
        and I ain't been seeing your face. Maybe they couldn't get the seat up
        high enough to bring your head into shot.
Mori    You know, I'm sensing a little tension here, Lou. You should let it
        out. I don't know, beat off more or something. Chill the fuck out.
        Being around all those gay dudes all day must get confusing, I
Luis    Not really, bro. Being around people you want to kill - that shit gets
        confusing, Mori.
Mori    Oh, sure. Sure. Don't you ever get tired of that shit? That muscle
        bound fag hag routine?
Luis    Working with Tone? You must be joking, man. Even jail would be a
        vacation in comparison to hanging with you.
Mori    You know, I don't get you, Lopez. No ambition. You should give it all
        up to work with some real men on some serious shit. You could add a
        zero to that little tiny pay check of yours and take "mopping cum" out
        of the job description.
Luis    I'm worried I'd be replacing it with "tiny cunt management".
Mori    Man, you got to love interns. Those fucks'll do anything.
Luis    Don't even have to pay them, neither.
Mori    God bless college credit. Ooh!
Luis    Oh yeah! Marketing associates, publicity, entertainment - we never pay
        a buck for those people.
Mori    Oh, well we agree on something, at least.
Luis    There ain't much beyond a common love of free labor from snotty
        graduates. That's for sure.
Mori    Enough of this bullshit, Lou. How about a wager? Saving one last job I
        need help with, I'll let you off all your contractual obligations. You
        win, and I forget about the dollars I'm owed. I get the fuck outta your
        life, you and your fairy godmother can assfuck a pumpkin all night
Luis    Bro, I need that little speech in writing. What if I lose?
Mori    Then you sign everything over to me.
Luis    Shit, that's heavy, man. But maybe losing everything is about worth it
        to not see you again. What we betting on?
Mori    An extreme race around the city. Air, more air, water, land - it's got
        it all. Only the richest, most hardcore cats can enter. You in?
Luis    Bring it, bro.

Luis    Ouch, man. That's got to be an expensive race for you.
Mori    Bullshit, man. Someone musta sabotaged me or something. No, shit, no, I
        wanted to lose. You think Tony's cash means shit to me? I got other
Luis    Good for you, Tiny. So, umm, do we get to see each other again?
Mori    I told you, Louie. One more job. I got some cars to procure and you're
        gonna help me. Come by Brucie's and we'll hit it.
Luis    Whatever, bro.

 NO. 3 (#mk3)

[Brucie's doing pushups while Mori paces.]
Mori    Thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-... Oh come on, come on one more, come
Brucie  Screw you, Mori! Why do you gotta be such a cock?
Mori    Oh, I'm sorry...
Brucie  Oh, fuck you, Mori.
Mori    Fuck me? Fuck me? You can't fuck me, Baby B. Name one thing you have
        ever been able to fuck me at. One thing. Huh? I lift more weights, I
        fly better choppers, I have better cars, I screw beter women, hell, I
        screw women. My bling ain't CZ and my paper ain't a photocopy. What's
        up, Lou? So again... One!...
[Brucie starts again.]
Luis    Hey Mori, I've gotta side with your brother on this one, man. You're
        fucking annoying. I mean, I work in nightclubs, I hang out with
        gangsters. I meet assholes 24 hours a day, but you, you take the cake,
Mori    Oh jeez, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm trying to toughen up my little
        bro here, [stepping on Brucie's back] my little bro who I love more
        than life itself, and you think that you can interfere with that?
Luis    I think you've maybe taken the tough love thing a little too far, man.
        I mean, I got sent to juvy when I was seventeen years old for shooting
        a teacher who felt up my sister. They tried the tough love thing on me.
        It didn't fucking work too well. So maybe try a different fucking
Mori    You know what? I think you might be right. Come on Baby B. Let's hug it
        out. Let's hug it out.
Brucie  Yeah? Okay. Ha ha! [hug]
Mori    I love you. I love you. I do. I love you. It's just the truth is,
        I'm... I'm jealous. I am, I'm jealous. Jealous that... that you... are
        dating such a wonderful guy as Lou here.
Luis    It's Luis!
Mori    Whatever. I'm only kidding. Come on! Jesus, you guys are a couple of
        pent up queens. I swear. Come on, let's go have some fun, huh? You too,
        B, come on... stop sulking. You're pathetic. I love you, but you're
        such a pussy. Come on!

Mori    Head up to the top of Middle Park, Lou. Here, take these headets.
        Excuse me if I don't trust the pair of yous to think for yourselves.

Mori    Hey Brucie, bro, it's good to hang with you. I'm really happy you're
        along on this ride.
Brucie  Mori, bro, are you... uhhh... fucking with me?
Mori    Come on, little B. Hey, what do you take me for? It's good to have
        Lopez along too, right? Hey, the three amigos.
Luis    Or two men and a little cunt.
Mori    Yeah, you hear that, Brucie, he called you a little cunt.
Luis    I wasn't talking about him, bro.
Mori    Don't bring down the positive energy, Lopez. Me and my brother are
        having fun todya.
Brucie  Yeah, man, we are. We should do this more often, bro.
Mori    Ah, B, shit, before I forget, there's this email that I got that I
        thought you'd be interested in.
Brucie  Oh yeah? What's that?
Mori    Well, you see, it's this doctor, he's a fucking genius. Yeah, he says
        he's made this pill that is gonna sort out that penis problem you got.
Brucie  Fuck off, Mori. I thought you were being cool, bro.
Mori    No, no, I am, bro. I swear it. No, this guy can extend your hose by at
        least two to three inches. Hey, call me an asshole, but I'd be really
        psyched if my bro was packing a four inch punch. How's that for cool?
Brucie  Shut up, Mori.
Mori    The one thing you do got going for you is those 'roid-ravaged beans in
        your sack. Anything would look big hanging next to those peanuts.
        Right? Yeah, am I right?
Brucie  Shut the fuck up, Mori.
Mori    Ah, pathetic. You see this guy, Lopez? What did I tell you?
Luis    I don't know, bro. I tend to stop listening when you open your mouth.
Mori    Remind me again what you paid for that place in Broker, Brucie. Huh?
        Oh, and the garage, too. How much did you pay?
Brucie  I don't want to talk about it.
Mori    And uh, a, oh oh, yeah, yeah, what are those properties worth now!?
Brucie  I said I don't want to talk about it, okay!? Shit!
Mori    you see? What did I tell you, Lopez? Over-exposed like a stripper in
        Fleet Week. Only thing more useless than that little pecker of his is
        his portfolio. Ain't that right, Brucie?
Luis    Leave him alone, Mori. You're even more annoying than usual.
Mori    He's a bit like you and Big Tone, actually. Hey, you guys should start
        a debtors anonymous circle-jerk together. Yeah, you could sit around
        crying and hugging and talking about how you lost it all.
Luis    At least we don't owe you shit anymore, Mori. Remember, the debt got
        erased in that debt. Fuckin' genius.
Mori    Oooo. Little Lopez got his panties in a twist. G-string on too tight,
        is it? You guys should lighten the fuck up. Come on.

Brucie  So, Mori, bro, what are we doing?
Mori    We are stealing some cars, little B. You think you can handle that?
Brucie  Shit, yeah, of course, man. I can handle anything you throw at me, bro.
        This is going to be some slick shit. You, me, and Luis Lopez cruising
        down Algonquin to boost some motherfucking cars.
Mori    Ahh no, don't say cruising, Brucie. It'll get Luis all excited.
Luis    No way, Mori, the only thing that gets me excited is images of you
        being driven over by an 18 wheeler.
Brucie  Luis, man, I fucking love your club, bro. I do some serious damage in
        there, don't I? Tell Mori, bro. Tell him, tell him.
Luis    I'm real distracted when I'm in Maisonette, Brucie. It's work for me.
        Glad you enjoy it, though.
Mori    I think Brucie is talking about Hercules. That's where you pick up,
        ain't it?
Brucie  Awesome that we can hang like this. Fucking crazy, right? Three mad
        cats on the prowl for some autos. Scoping some joints. Scoping some
        bitches. About to do untold damage to this motherfucker! That is how we
Mori    What did you just say?
Brucie  I said, "this is how we roll." Yeah! Suck it up, bitches!
Mori    What does that even mean? "This is how we roll." I certainly don't roll
        with a flabby little bitch like you. This is a one-off. Do you roll
        like this, Luis?
Luis    I'm just here to work out that deal we got. I do this for you and we
        square, right?
Mori    You see? You see what I mean? No one's interested in your pathetic
        rolling shit. You're a Beta male. Fuck it, Beta. Gamma. You're the
        Omega man. Bottom of the food chain. You're a bitch's bitch. You hang
        out with immigrant scumbags and you're whacked out on whale semen.
Brucie  It's bullshark testosterone and that shit fucking works, man!
Mori    Warning! Warning! 'Roid rage alert. 'Roids in the house. Control
        yourself, little B. Stick a seahorse up your ass, whatever nautical
        shit you like to calm yourself down with.
Luis    You fucking guys, man. Would you give it a rest?
Mori    Ahh, come on, I only do this 'cause I love him. Look, fucking shoot me,
        but what can I say? I love this pasty, podgy, no-cock, dumb-as-shit,
        in-debt-up-to-his-eyeballs lunatic, and I want what's best for him.
Brucie  You really mean that, bro?
Mori    Well, I meant the part about you having no cock, you fucking loser.
        Toughen up!
Brucie  You're such a dick.
Luis    Yeah, Mori. You're a real asshole. You might wanna do something about
Mori    I'm a rich asshole with a big cock. Ain't nothing wrong with that, you
        morons. It's called America.
Luis    Ay Dios Mio. You ain't got a clue, bro.

Mori    Ahh, here's our guy with the cars. You chumps could learn a thing or
        two here. [hands money to the guy] Hey buddy, thanks for the tip off.
        Here you go.
Guy     Okay, thanks bro.
Mori    Hey, don't go spending that all in one place, chump. Hey people! Money
        talks and idiots walk.

Mori    Okay, moving out, ladies! Follow me.
Brucie  Shit, bro, why are the cops all over us?
Luis    Yeah, man. How'd they know what's up?
Mori    Wake up, pansies. I called them. Shit just got intense, huh? Are you
        Alpha or Omega? You think you can handle it?
Luis    I fucking hate you, bro, you tiny orange turd.

Mori    Fucking intense! Woo! Did you see Little Lou here, though? He started
        shitting his pants when the cops showed up. Hey, check it out, Brucie.
        You know, I think Lou here might be even slightly a bigger pussy than
Luis    We're done, right? I mean, we're squared? You got your cars now, so now
        I don't have to sit here and listen to your tiny man bullshit.
Mori    Sure, sure, Lou, sure sure sure. You could go... if you're as dumb as
        you look.
Luis    Excuse me?
Mori    You got an opportunity here. Look at me, look at me. Watch my lips
        move. I can teach you things. Come on! Think apprentice. Think intern.
        Minon, yeah. Think squire boy. You, following me all around learning
        to become a business mastermind! No more clubs. No more Tony Queen.
        You, my friend, could be free!
Luis    Mori, is this a joke, man? I mean, you're the guy that needs to learn
        something. Shit, you're awful, bro. Hey, maybe someone can teach you
        the most basic human behavior. Brucie, please, do this guy a favor?
Mori    Brucie?
Brucie  Me?
Luis    Well, you're the guy in the family with some manners.
Mori    You think that I could learn something from little B here? The
        marshmallow man?
Brucie  Mori.
Mori    This pale piece of turd?
Brucie  Alright, cut it out, M!
Mori    The man is nothing but beyond pathetic.
Brucie  Alright, that's it, Mori! Cut it out!
[He starts doing karate in the air.]
Mori    Are you kidding?
[Brucie punches him in the nose.]
Mori    [clutching his face] Oh, God! Oh, fuck! What the fuck, man? What the
        fuck are you doing? Oh God, you know the rules!
Brucie  I-I-I'm sorry, I forgot, man.
Mori    Never, never in the face. Oh, come on. This is.. this is top work up
        here. You know that I've got a weakened septon.
Brucie  Okay, shit, just don't tell Mom, okay? Okay?
Mori    Okay. Okay. You gonna take me home? [crying]
Brucie  Yeah, shit, okay, yeah, shit. Come on, let's go. Okay. Okay. Come on.
Mori    Ow ow ow!
Luis    See you ladies later, okay?
Brucie  Yeah uh- uh, I'll see you at the club or something.
Mori    Ow, it hurts so bad.


[Yusuf is dancing with Jonelle, but she gives up, snorts a line of coke, and
sits down.]
Yusuf   We're getting Arab money. We're getting Arab money. Ho, ho, ho, ho! And
        again. Let's go.
Luis    [enters] Hey, bro.
Yusuf   Nigga! Yo, this is Jonelle... Jonelle, nigga.
Luis    I think you want to moderate your use of the word, bro. It's not
        fuckin' cool, alright?
Jonelle Listen, are we going to do this or what? I'm on the fucking clock, man.
Yusuf   Chill, baby. Get into it. Feel it. Let's go!
Luis    Yo, what's wrong with you, man?
Yusuf   [turns off music] Nothing wrong with me, homeboy. I am going to build
        the biggest fucking building in this town. The biggest. My name will go
        down in history.
Luis    Yeah, I don't doubt that, man. What did you want?
Yusuf   Well, I heard from a friend that we can get some real hardware... bit
        like that chopper, but better, partner. Better.
Luis    Yeah, I don't think I can handle any more of that shit, partner.
Yusuf   I'm talking something seriously intense. How about... a mother...
        fucking... NOOSE tank!? Give it up, bro. Come on. Come on! [high-five]
Luis    What do you need a NOOSE tank for, man? What, are you crime fighting
Yusuf   I want it. Come on baby, you and me. Doing our tank thing. Just rolling
        like some Desert Storm niggas. [aiming sub-machine gun, pretending to
        fire] Chinese person. Bye bye, nigga!
Luis    You're fucking ridiculous, man.
Yusuf   Hey, man. What is it, money? Is it money you want? Here, here, have it.
        [tosses wad of cash to Luis] But come on, let's go get this thing. Come
        on! [turns the music back on, trying to dance with Jonelle] Come on,
        baby, get up. Come on, let's go again. To the left. We're getting Arab
        money! Come on, baby. We're getting Arab money!
Abdul   [enters] Yusuf!
Yusuf   Oh, Poppa! What are you doing here? [sets down SMG, turns off music]
        Welcome! Welcome, Poppa. This is my business associate... err... Mr...
Luis    Luis.
Yusuf   Mr. Lewis. Y'Allah, he is the greatest technical advisor in the whole
        city. And this is his wife, Jaundice. [pulling her across the room]
Jonelle Careful, motherfucker.
Yusuf   Yes. And you know... we were just having a little creative meeting and
        things went a bit crazy and I somehow lost my pants. But you know,
        Poppa, I tell you are looking... you're looking very well, in fact.
Abdul   I knew how disgraceful you were, but I didn't realize quite how
        shameful you were.
Yusuf   Things are not how they look.
Abdul   Things do not look good, son.
Yusuf   Don't just a book by it's cover, Father. That's what you taught me.
Abdul   When a book is called "Guns, Drugs, Hookers, and No Pants", I think I
        don't need to read it.
Yusuf   Poppa, you know, these people... they mean nothing to me. In fact, they
        are just going. Go, get out. You, Mr. Lewis, take your wife, Mrs.
        Lewis. And may I say, madam, this is not a very appropriate way for a
        married woman to dress. [shoving them toward the door] I told them many
        times, Father, this is a disrespectful way to dress. Do they listen to
        me? Oh no, never! And you, by the way- [whispering to Luis] I will text
        you in about one minute about the tank, okay?
Luis    The NOOSE tank?
Yusuf   Shhhh. Go and leave right now! And don't you dare come back without,
        uh... uh... knocking first.
[Luis and Jonelle exit.]
Yusuf   These people are a disgrace, Poppa, but I tell you, moving swiftly on,
        you will be proud of my plans I want to show you for the Imperial Amir
        Towers. I tell you, Poppa, 'magisterial' doesn't do justice to it!

Luis    Yusuf?
Yusuf   [whispering] Luis, I think i can give old padadap the slip. Meet me in
        Star Junction.
Luis    Really, bro?
Yusuf   I'm coming, dada. Just hold on. [whispering] See you soon, my friend.

Yusuf   Come on, man. Get in. You fly, man. I'm getting cramp.

Yusuf   We got to intercept this NOOSE tank. They're airlifting her across the
Luis    Where's your father, then?
Yusuf   Dada's meeting some bankers in the Exchange. Luckily for us, this stuff
        is too 'serious' for Yusuf to be invited. He thinks I'm waiting for him
        in the lobby.
Luis    Parents, man.
Yusuf   Tell me about it! They think they can run your life. I'm old and ugly
        enough to take care of myself.
Luis    Ugly? Yeah. Old? Sure. The 'taking care of yourself' bit, I don't know
        about that, bro.
Yusuf   Maybe you're right, I don't have the means. If only he gave me a few
        billion I could really call my own, then maybe I would grow up.
Luis    I feel the same way, bro.

Yusuf   They're airlifting the tank across town. Let's intercept the bitch.
Luis    Glad you could make it out of your daddy's warm embrace.
Yusuf   Shit, man, so am I. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Even if Poppa
        does hold the purse strings, so to speak.
Luis    He gonna cut you off?
Yusuf   Never! Impossible! Not when he sees everything I have achieved here in
        Liberty City.
Luis    A coke habit? Maybe some venereal disease? Is that what you call an
Yusuf   This is ridiculous. You think that is all I have done? Have you not
        seen the site? The foundations to our Empire?
Luis    Really, bro, you actually been working?
Yusuf   Of course. Of course. I mean, this is work, isn't it?
Luis    Ummm... I don't know about that, bro. Maybe.

Yusuf   What is that chopper? I haven't seen one before. So powerful!
Luis    Before you think about stealing one, man, it's just an air crane. You
        can buy them real easy.
Yusuf   Can you now? Don't worry, man. I got these controls again.

Yusuf   Luis. You got it.
Luis    Yeah, bro. But the cops are all over me.
Yusuf   Good thing you're in a motherfucking tank!
Luis    It's just a NOOSE tank, bro.
Yusuf   Who gives a shit, player? Bring her back to the site. Just don't have
        an army of LCPD trailing you back when you do. Clear those shitheads
Luis    Hey, I'll try.

Luis    Yusuf, bro, where you at, man?
Yusuf   Over here, man.
Luis    Where?
Yusuf   Up here, motherfucker! Shit, stand back while I pick this thing up.
Luis    Okay, man.
Yusuf   Thanks for everything, bro. You're a fucking diamond.
Luis    Don't mention it.


Luis    Yusuf.
Yusuf   Luis, my man.
Luis    How's things, bro?
Yusuf   Not that great. My father, he is a very passionate and angry and very
        disrespectful man. But listen, can you come and meet me at the
        construction site? I have something to discuss.
Luis    Yeah, okay, man. I'll try to come by.

Yusuf   Yo, nigga!
Luis    Would you shut the fuck up, man? What's wrong with you?
Yusuf   Yo, yo, yo, easy, amigo. I'm just pleased to see you. Come on baby,
        give me some skin! Come on.
Luis    What are you doing here?
Yusuf   Well, you know, it's my father... Uh... hey, you know my ancestors, we
        built the pyramids baby! We built the ziggurats. They invented math and
        shit. I'm here, I'm not afraid, I can get my hands dirty, I can work.
Luis    Whatever, man. How's it going?
Yusuf   Epic, homie. This shit is epic. People will write a bible about this
        shit in the future, baby. I'm talking luxury on a whole new level. This
        place is going to be so expensive, people won't even be able to afford
        it. It's going to be drowned in gold, y'know, it's like "yo, yo, is
        that a diamond in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me', and
        shit. Y'know, the sales sheet's going to say, "The impossible dream.
        Priceless indulgence. Style by Yusuf Amir. A timeless classic. Timeless
Luis    Yeah, sounds perfect, man. Just what the people want right now. But...
        what are you doing here?
Yusuf   I'm crafting this whole thing with my bare hands.
Luis    Okay, cool man. Listen, it was good catching up with you, okay? I'll
        see you soon.
Yusuf   Hey, not so fast, homie. Yo, could you give me a ride to my helicopter?
        I could tell you something on the way.
Luis    But I thought you was busy building the pyramids?
Yusuf   All work and no play makes Yusuf a dull boy. Come on, baby, it'll be

Yusuf   Slight change of plan, I'll get the chopper later. Head out to the east
        side of the Algonquin Bridge, homie.

Luis    What you after this time, man? I got you that tank thing and the
        chopper - what now, you want the Statue of Happiness for your back
Yusuf   Excellent idea, my friend, but that will have to wait.
Luis    Alright then. What we after?
Yusuf   Wait for it.
Luis    I'm waiting.
Yusuf   You ready?
Luis    Just fucking tell me, bro!
Yusuf   A motherfucking subway train! Oh yeah, baby. The prize of the fleet.
        The assfucking flagship of the LTA. Give it up!
Luis    What you want a subway train for?
Yusuf   We're taking that shit out to the Gulf for a new Liberty City themed
        development out there. Check this out, a genuine LTA submarine train!
        Get that shit going through a precious and delicate coral reef! Ah!
Luis    Aside from how fucking dumb that sounds, how am I supposed to take that
Yusuf   Not going to be easy, dog. No one likes people fucking with their
        public transport in this paranoid age.
Luis    Can't you just buy yourself a subway car, bro?
Yusuf   No, man, shit. We need the genuine article, the real deal. You think we
        could put the Amir name to anything but authentic shit?
Luis    Yo, how am I supposed to pull this off?
Yusuf   Okay, we just need the front car of the train. You jump on board, you
        climb to the front, and you unhook the car. I'll handle all the rest.
        Real simple, man.
Luis    I don't know why I hang out with you, bro.
Yusuf   'Cause you fucking love this shit, homie. Ain't nothing like rolling
        with this Arabic bad boy. That and I'm going to put your clubs on the
        world stage. We'll have a lounge on the moon by the time we're done.
        For real.
Luis    Dios Mio. I can't believe I'm doing this.
Yusuf   Believe it, baby. Pinch yourself. You ain't dreaming. This is no film.
        The city is our playground, homie.
Luis    If it's our playground, how come I'm the only one getting dirty? Shit.
Yusuf   I'm gonna look after you. You and Tony, your problems, man, Yusuf can
        make them go away.
Luis    You better be able to, bro. 'Cause you about to owe me big time.

Yusuf   I hope you got your work shoes on.
Luis    You got some exercise plans for me, Yusuf?
Yusuf   Damn right, motherfucker! How you feel about helping this Arabic son of
        a bitch steal himself an LTA subway car?
Luis    What?
Yusuf   You heard me. A genuine Liberty City subway car. Ever since I played
        with my golden train set as a child, I have always wanted one and now
        we're gonna get it.
Luis    You fucking crazy, you know that?
Yusuf   They called Michelangelo crazy, but he invented the wheel and who's
        laughing now?
Luis    I ain't.
Yusuf   The train is not just for me. It will be the centerpiece of a new
        Liberty City themed development in the Gulf. There might even be room
        for a Maisonette 9 franchise there. How about it? You, Tony Gayer and a
        camel getting all velvet rope on some Arabic shit.
Luis    Okay, shit, if I do help you, what's the plan?
Yusuf   That's my boy! There's the reason you're my main hombre. Okay. You just
        need to jump on the train, climb to the front, and unhook the lead car.
        I'll take it from there.
Luis    Sounds real simple.
Yusuf   Of course it is. I have this shit calculated to the hundredth decimal
        fucking point. Nothing can go wrong.
Luis    Why do I struggle to believe that?
Yusuf   Cynics don't build pyramids, man. You got to believe. Tell me you
        believe, Luis. Tell me you fucking see it - me and you riding in our
        very own subway train through a tuneel made of models on a track made
        of gold.
Luis    I see myself getting cut in half or locked up, bro - that's what I see.
        What the fuck am I getting into, man? Shit.
Yusuf   I wish I was coming with you, man. I'd be one crazy motherfucker on
        that train.
Luis    Be my guest, bro. You jump on the train and I'll put my feet up.
Yusuf   The plan doesn't allow for that, homie. Disappoints me as much as you.
        Probably more. Inside, I am crying. I'm gonna look after you. You and
        Tony, your problems, man, Yusuf can make them go away.
Luis    You better be able to, bro. 'Cause you about to owe me big time.

Yusuf   Here's the spot! Get in position above the tracks, man. I'll see you

Yusuf   Here I come, baby. You better be gripping tight.
[He clamps onto the car.]
Yusuf   We have liftoff, motherfuckers.
Luis    Fuuuuuck.
Yusuf   Greatest heist in Liberty City history. Look at us, man! We're the
        biggest pimps in the city.
Luis    Just get me on the fucking ground!
Yusuf   Arab money, bitches! Fuck yeah!
[He flies low to the ground and Luis gets off.]
Yusuf   I fucking love you, man. I love you. See you later.
Luis    Have fun with it, you crazy fool.

Luis    Yusuf. You staying out of trouble, man?
Yusuf   You better believe it, bro. Totally guilt free. It's business,
        business, business with me.
Luis    Yeah, why's that make me think you're about to ask me to do some dumb
Yusuf   What do you take me for? I'm a giver, not a taker. I don't need
        anything from you. I wanted to make a gift of my car to you. It's a
        special machine, but what you have done for me recently is more
Luis    Thanks a lot, bro. You didn't need to do that though.
Yusuf   No, I did. There is a little bit of fun for you in the glove
        compartment. I think you will enjoy it.
Luis    Alright, man. I'll check that out. Yo, and thank you again.

Yusuf   Luis. Hello, my friend. Did you like the car? Did you like the other
Luis    The gun? Fuck me, bro.
Yusuf   Solid gold! Only the best for you, Luis. It makes a statement, doesn't
Luis    Shit, it sure does. Thanks a lot, Yusuf.
Yusuf   We are brothers. It is nothing. I've got three more myself. See you
        soon, my friend.

That APC motherfucking NOOSE tank thing is available at the building site, dog.
Try shooting up some shit other than seagulls, you crazy motherfucker! -Yu$uf

 GOING DEEP (#rbu1)

Luis    Hello?
Bulgar  We met at your club. I am Ray Bulgarin.
Luis    Oh yeah. You're the Russian who was talking about coke, hookers, and
        corpses. Yeah, I'm sorry we couldn't accommodate.
Bulgar  I did not take you for the sensitive type. I am spending some time here
        while I catch up with some friends, and I need help with some things. I
        am told you are the man to talk to.
Luis    Listen, man, I got a real busy schedule.
Bulgar  This is not an opportunity you want to miss out on, especially as I
        hear that Gay Tony Prince's ship is sinking.
Luis    Yeah, I don't know where you heard that...
Bulgar  Just come to my house, we will talk.

Luis    Yo. Mr. Bulgarin here?
[Timur gestures him inside.]
Bulgar  [to phone] Double it! Offer twenty million and then we see if it is not
        for sale... If this painting is not hanging on my wall, your head will
        be. Okay? Think about that.
Timur   You want I should pay visit to his children at their school?
Bulgar  Not yet - I think there is always a price in this city. Ah, Luis,
        excuse us. We have been rude.
Luis    Don't worry about it, man. I like the setup here.
Timur   These guitars are all collector's items - celebrity rock memorabilia.
Luis    Okay, man. Good for you. You got a nice place here, Mr. B.
Bulgar  It is piece of shit. I bought it for my sister.
Galina  [shouting from second floor] Hey! You bring me to this fucking country
        and you keep me in an ugly cage. No one on TV lives in fucking Dukes.
        Then you come and move all my stuff into hallway and fill place with
        fucking guitars.
Bulgar  Shut up, bitch! Take your pills! A friend of mine is here!
Galina  Ha! You don't have any friends. You don't even have a business here.
        You are nothing in this country.
Bulgar  My sister, she is still getting adjusted. We all are.
Luis    So, how can I help you?
Galina  Fuck you, Ray. You have ruined my life!
Bulgar  Yes! Yes! [to Luis] A difficult situation. It seems I am being
        investigated by the National Office of Security Enforcement. There is a
        particular unit that has a 'hard-on' for me. And why? Because Marki
        Ashvilli won't sell me The Rampage. You will get rid of them. I will
        own this fucking team.
Luis    Hey, the problem ain't just gonna disappear over here if we kill some
        crooked cops.
Bulgar  Leave the strategizing to me. If the money tells you to cut your
        fucking leg off, you will do it. Because the money is better than the
        fucking leg. The money is making the plans. That's the American way.
Luis    Alright, man.
Bulgar  Thank you. I like you. I make you rich. I make you man. Maybe I make
        you man with one leg, but I make you rich man with one leg. There is
        this team are tracing a car of mine. Take out the whole team, no
Luis    Okay, man, if that's what the money wants.
Bulgar  You bright guy, Luis. I still like you. You made a good choice coming
        here. Fag man, no good. Go. Roll the bitch!

Bulgar  Take us to the basement parking lot, in the Middle Park East.

Bulgar  It is good to have you with us, Luis.
Luis    Yeah?
Bulgar  Yes. It must be nice for you to get out from under big Tony.
Luis    I don't know what you're implying, bro. Tony and me are partners. I got
        a stake in the enterprise.
Bulgar  A stake. Sure. You still take orders from him, don't you? You clean up
        his shit? Luis, you could be much more than that. Unless you enjoy
        working for such a man? 'Partner', or whatever you call it.
Luis    Really, bro? I don't know. When I was left to my own devices, I got
        locked up. At least with Tony's guidance, I ain't doing time.
Bulgar  Perhaps. For now, perhaps. But do you think you are achieving
        everything you could? A man with your talents, in your condition, you
        could have anything you want. I didn't get where I am without being
        able to see the worth of men.
Luis    That's real flattering, Mr. Bulgarin, but whatever it is you're
        offering, I'm gonna have to decline. Me and Tony's is a business
        relationship. He gets his kicks elsewhere, but he's been a good boss to
        me, and a good guide. Helped me out.
Bulgar  I am not a fucking faggot!
Luis    Whatever you say, bro. But what are you talking about?
Bulgar  I was saying that I may be interested in investing in your potential.
Luis    Potential as what?
Bulgar  As a businessman. I am looking for someone here in Liberty City with
        the correct relationship.
Luis    I already got one employer. Like I said, he's been good to me.
Bulgar  Of course. But what is he? He is a drug addict, a madman. You are
        useful to him, but you think that is all he wants from you? Hah! When
        some new muscle-bound pretty boy comes along, he will forget about you,
        and your precious stake in the Tony Prince empire.
Luis    Whatever, bro. Can we talk about something else? What am I doing here?
Bulgar  You are helping me with my business.
Luis    This don't seem like legitimate business to me, man.
Bulgar  Nothing can be achieved here in Liberty City with Ashvilli's pigs
        rooting through my affairs. For anything to happen, they must be
Luis    Okay, man. You really can't buy these people off?
Bulgar  Sometimes a price is more effective if paid out of lead, not gold. This
        is the first lesson I will give you.
Luis    Okay.

Bulgar  I am glad we have this opportunity to get to know each other, Luis.
Luis    Oh yeah?
Bulgar  Yes. It is important that one knows those he employ intimately.
Luis    Shit, bro, just 'cause I got a gay boss don't mean I'm gonna get
        intimate with you. And if I was, it would not be on our first date
Bulgar  Very funny, but, I don't think you realize the magnitude of your
        insults, so I will let them slide. I am not a man to be mocked.
Luis    Alright. Rewind a second. What you mean, "employ"? I'm already in
        business with Tony.
Bulgar  And where has that got you? Apart from up a few models' skirts, I mean.
        The money I have can open those legs more readily than your bottle
        service can.
Luis    I'll tell you where it's got me, it's got me off the street. Before I
        met Tony, I was a no hoper. I'd probably be in for life by now. Tony's
        given me every opportunity I ever got.
Bulgar  Until now?
Luis    Maybe.
Bulgar  There is a point where you will not be able to gain anything from him,
        understand? Where you will outgrow him and he will begin to hold you
        back. Perhaps this time has already came.
Luis    I don't think so, bro. Not yet. Tony and I are partners. I'm gonna
        bring him with me wherever I go.
Bulgar  How sweet you are. Pathetic. This is not possible, and I think you know
        it. What are your dreams, Luis? What do you want to be?
Luis    I don't wanna be no rock star like you guys seem to. That what you
Bulgar  No, it is not. I am informed that you used to have a reputation as a
Luis    I can handle myself. But you can only fight for so long until you run
        into the wrong guy, and then it ain't pretty.
Bulgar  You don't want to go pro? With the money behind you, no one would dare
        to beat you.
Luis    Pro fighting's a joke, bro. May as well be a wrestler if you want to
        join the circus.
Bulgar  I used to wrestle. I was in academy as a boy.
Luis    Timur, man, check this out. You diss my boss for being gay and yours
        went to wrestling school? Gimme a break, man.
Timur   I do not understand the joke.
Bulgar  Is not funny joke. What is problem with wrestling academy?
Luis    Shit, look man. I don't wanna be no wrestler. This hospitality shit,
        this is my thing now. I know people and people know me. I can get
        things done in this town.
Bulgar  That is why you are the person I need with me, but you must be loyal to
        me alone.
Luis    That's a bit of a problem, bro. I ain't fresh off the boat, this is my
        town. I don't come alone. Tony's my business partner, bro. I ain't just
        leaving when a better offer comes along.
Bulgar  You say this now. We will see if your mind is changed.

Luis    Hey man, what's up?
Tony    What do you mean, "what's up"? Where are you?
Luis    Look, man, I-I'm, taking care of some personal business. I'll come to
        see you later, okay?
Tony    I'm cracking up here, Luis. Hurry the fuck up. How long are you going
        to be?
Luis    I dunno, man. I-I-I gotta go.

Bulgar  Your master calls?
Luis    Yeah, man.
Bulgar  I see. And does he know that you are here with us?
Luis    No.
Bulgar  Interesting.
Luis    I guess so.

Bulgar  Now, Things are about to get hot in here.
Luis    No doubt.
Bulgar  Now, Luis, we see if you can handle yourself.
Luis    Don't worry about me. I'd prefer we weren't taking on the National
        Office of Security Enforcement, but that's a different matter.
Bulgar  This is them. Wait for it.

Bulgar  Excellent! Excellent! Marki's cocksuckers burned!
Timur   I still have smell of meat in nose.
Luis    Bro.
Timur   Is true. You are one who blew them up.
Bulgar  That you did, Luis. A serviceable job. Most competent.
Luis    How'd I get myself into this shit, man?
Bulgar  You didn't get yourself into this. I choose you. I picked you out
        because I see potential in you. You are lucky to be here.
Luis    Yeah, great. Thanks. But if you need more cops taken out, crooked or
        otherwise, you ain't choosing me.
Bulgar  Look at this. The sensitive modern American male. You need to go home
        and exfoliate your balls? May as well cut them off.
Luis    What the fuck is this? I don't like killing government agents so I
        ain't got no balls? Gimme a break.
Bulgar  Okay. Calm down. We got no more law enforcement to expunge. For now.
        Those were the only guys Marki had on us.
Timur   You think he will sell?
Bulgar  He has no choice but to sell. We have taken away his protection.
Luis    It's that simple, is it?
Bulgar  It should be. Marki is a weakling. He lives here in exhile, like all
        cowards. But he has been here a long time, so he has bought connections
        that others of us have not been able to acquire. This little trip
        should have severed a good deal of those connections, and will give
        others involved a pause before they continue their association.
Luis    Okay.
Bulgar  Perhaps I will buy clubs off you as well. You sell them to me?
Luis    Them clubs is leveraged to the max already, man. I don't know if
        there's anything left to sell.
Bulgar  I don't care about other investors. They will forget about doubts if I
        am involved.
Luis    Some of these investors aren't the type to go away. They aren't the
        type to pay off, either. Anyway, it's not my place to sell them. I have
        a stake, but Tony's got the controlling share.
Bulgar  Of course. Tony pulls the string and the little puppet man dance for
        him. Let me know when Tony next has hand up your ass and
        ventriloquist's dummy can talk.
Luis    Fuck, man, what's wrong with you?
Bulgar  Your stake is bullshit. You think you run the club, but are still just
        security. You are Tony's gimp and you won't admit it.
Luis    It's not like that.
Bulgar  This what you want to do your whole life?
Luis    No, but seriously, bro...
Bulgar  I have opportunities for you. Think about them.

Luis    I can't believe we just took out a whole NOOSE team.
Bulgar  The city will be safer place without their corruption.
Timur   At least you don't have to clean up the mess.
Bulgar  They will be scraping them off the wall for weeks.
Timur   Human graffiti. [laughing]
Bulgar  Ashvilli will see what happened to these men. It is a lesson to all
        those who have welcomed him here.
Luis    Okay, man, you sent your message. Who is this guy?
Bulgar  He is a traitor to our country - a worm. He uses his position here to
        keep back all those who are still involved in the East. I am trying to
        buy him out of every position he holds.
Luis    And if that don't work?
Bulgar  We will do what we did in the garage. Boom boom. Bye bye.
Luis    You mind my asking why a man of your means still gets his hands dirty
        like this?
Bulgar  It is important to keep an eye on your people.
Luis    But you trust Timur, right?
Bulgar  I trust no one.
Luis    Is that it, then, you just too paranoid to let someone else get nasty?
Bulgar  Why would I pay someone to have all the fun?
Luis    If this is what you call fun, then fair enough.
Bulgar  You don't get a kick out of it? It does not get your dick hard?
Luis    I'm gonna be honest, I kind of prefer a hot girl and a bottle of wine
        to a gun fight with the terror squad.
Bulgar  Then maybe you a fag. I thought you were heterosexual one in
Luis    These gay jokes ain't gonna stop, are they?
Bulgar  Maybe they will.
Luis    Oh yeah?
Bulgar  It is easy. You come on board with us. You leave your fag master. He is
        an embarassment.
Luis    Tony has some tough times, but he ain't no embarassment. He used to be
        the coolest guy in this city. Ran things. He's still relevant.
Bulgar  Yes. "Once upon a time." Is an ancient memory. Now he is a pill popping
Luis    Hey, don't say that about Tony, man. I can't have you talking shit
        about him.
Bulgar  This is what the world sees. This is what they think of when they see
Timur   True, true.
Bulgar  You have an opportunity here. I would like you to think about what you
        can become without this weight around your neck.
Luis    Hey, I owe my life to Tony.
Bulgar  I just want you to think about it. Do that for me.
Luis    Yeah. Maybe, man.
Bulgar  Okay!

Bulgar  Think about what I said to you. The offer will not be there forever.
Luis    Okay, I will.
Bulgar  Send my regards to big Tony.

Luis    Hey Tone, what's happening, bro?
Tony    Besides my life falling apart in front of my eyes, not much is
        happening... 'bro'. Someone told me they saw you driving around with
        some Russians. What the fuck are they? You gone over to the dark side?
Luis    Really? That's funny, man. Your friend must have been mistaken.
Tony    Okay. Of course. Shit. The stress is really getting to me.
Luis    Calm shit down, T, and don't take it out on me. I'll be by soon. Take
        care of yourself.

 DROPPING IN (#rbu2)

[Timur is playing on the guitar. Bulgarin turns it off as Luis walks in.]
Bulgar  Welcome. Welcome to the party. Sit down. Sit down.
Luis    Sure.
Bulgar  Can I get you anything? A drink? [he drinks] Something stronger?
Luis    I'm cool, bro.
Bulgar  You know how to play the drums? We need a fucking drummer.
Luis    I ain't your man, bro. Sorry.
Bulgar  You Spanish have the rhythm. Give us fucking beat, man. You don't drum,
        but you dance, don't you, Luis? You dance?
Luis    I can dance, man, but not with you and him.
Bulgar  That's a shame.
Luis    You dance, Mr. B?
Bulgar  Money doesn't dance. The money doesn't dance, my friend.
Luis    Okay, but you need some work done.
Bulgar  Wait, wait, listen...
[Bulgarin turns it back on and Timur continues playing.]
Bulgar  Ah this is it. This is it!
Luis    Hey, can you ask the ape to stop playing for a second?
Timur   You want I should stick fifty thousand dollar guitar up your ass?
Luis    No, but I got some friends I could introduce you to if that's how you
        get your kicks.
Timur   Oh, funny guy.
Bulgar  Alright, alright. Okay. You have heard about Liberty City Rampage? The
        owner still will not accept my offers. I have been more than
Luis    You mean after you killed his special team of cops? That's weird... You
        want me to negotiate with him?
Bulgar  No. The time for negotiations is over. Do what needs to be done in his
        boardroom. Send a message.
Luis    Hey, I ain't a hitman, bro. I mean, I'll fight anyone, do anything, but
        I ain't a contract killer, bro.
Bulgar  Their offices are in the MeTV buildings. Getting in will not be easy.
Luis    You'll have to find someone else, man. I mean, I'm not qualified for
        that shit.
Bulgar  I'm sorry. I wasn't discussing your career development. I was telling
        you what to do. Now, fuck off and go.

Timur   Wait up, asshole. We go to heliport in Fishmarket South.

Luis    Hey, I'm sorry to break up your party, man. You looked like you were
        having fun.
Timur   Mr. Ray wanted me to keep watch on you. Make sure you do what told.
Luis    Hey, I don't need no watcher.
Timur   Mr. Ray thinks you do.
Luis    Shit.
Timur   You think I want be here?
Luis    Whatever.
Timur   Okay.
Luis    So?
Timur   So fucking what?
Luis    So, what's up, bro?
Timur   Fuck off.
Luis    Chill, man. I'm just trying to converse with you. My job is hospitality
Timur   Your job is kill Marki Ashvilli for Ray Bulgarin.
Luis    Timur, bro, I like to think I can talk to people. I try to put them at
        ease, make 'em open up.
Timur   Sure, they open up when you shoot in their head. You put people in the
        ground, my friend. You killer like me. That what Bulgarin want you to
        do, so that what you do. Hospitality is for weaklings.
Luis    You're hard work, bro.
Timur   Fuck you. You are hard work. Don't even know what you are.
Luis    Hey, I know who I am. Sure, I do bad shit, but that ain't who I'm going
        to be forever.
Timur   Have heard this forever.
Luis    Fuck off.
Timur   You want me to shut up? Good.
Luis    Good. Great. Total fucking silence from here on in.

Luis    Hey Timmy, I wouldn't have picked you for a musician, bro.
Timur   It relax me.
Luis    Yeah. Helps you chill, does it? You get tense?
Timur   Only when I hurt people. When I kill them, no, but hurt them, yes, very
Luis    Shit? Okay.
Timur   What you do to relax?
Luis    Me? Women, bro. I'm Dominican, man.
Timur   Really? They not pain in ass?
Luis    Maybe you right. In the moment you forget everything else, but then
        they turn into psychos.
Timur   When you going to kill fag man, your boss?
Luis    Tony?
Timur   Yes. When you kill him?
Luis    I ain't killing him, man. What gave you that impression?
Timur   You with us, now. I thought you done with him. You kill him and take
Luis    Definitely not. No fucking way!
Timur   You want I should do it? You got money?
Luis    Stay the fuck away from Tony, man. You touch him I'll fucking kill you.
Timur   Okay, boy. You love fag man. You like him fuck you?
Luis    I mean it, bro. Stay the fuck away from him.
Timur   You fucking pussy.
Luis    Can we just not talk? Is that a problem? Can you shut the fuck up?
Timur   I didn't want to talk to you in first place.
Luis    Perfect!

Timur   Take command of chopper. Take us up over Star Junction. Here, I have
        headset for you. This is so we communicate when you in building.
Luis    Just what I always wanted. A hotline to a fucking charmer.

Luis    Can you tell me what the plan is?
Timur   Ashvilli office is in MeTV Building. You no going to get in from ground
        so you come in from above.
Luis    Out the chopper? Great.
Timur   Is not so tough. I would do it but there is chance Ashvilli's people
        come for my family back in old place.
Luis    And you ain't worried about my family?
Timur   No.

Timur   You like to parachute?
Luis    It's an occupational hazard.
Timur   What's that mean?
Luis    It means I don't like doing anything that could easily kill me, but
        sometimes you got to.
Timur   This is why you tell Mr. Ray you are not "contract killer"? You scared?
Luis    I'm not scared, bro, I just don't like it, that's all.

Luis    Tell me why we can't just land on the building.
Timur   You think they would not notice chopper landing on building? You must
        go in silent.
Luis    Perfect.
Timur   When you get in building I will give instructions through headset. You
        kill Ashvilli, send message, and leave building. I pick you up on
Luis    Sounds real tough for you, tough guy.

Ashvil  If it was the little Latin girl, I thought she was of age. She looked
        old for her age, okay? We all have our weaknesses. What is it? Did the
        Kremlin send you? You fucking piece of shit. Tell me who you are!

Timur   Mr. Ray will be pleased Ashvilli no more around.
Luis    Yeah, great. Tell him I'm not his fucking hitman, okay. That's not why
        I'm hanging with him.
Timur   I am sorry, Mr. Hospitality man. You do what Mr. Ray says, that's it. I
        see you soon.
Luis    Stick your guitar up your fucking ass.


Bulgar  Ah, Mr. Luis.
Luis    Hey. Where's the one man band?
Bulgar  He's working.
Luis    Okay.
Galina  [shouting from second floor] Ray! Hey Ray!
Bulgar  I have company! Shut up!
Galina  Don't tell me to shut up!
Bulgar  [to Luis] So, I heard from some people I know that maybe you have some
        diamonds for sale?
Luis    Not me. My boss, Tony. Well, my other boss.
Bulgar  You got them from the fat cook?
Galina  Ray! Ray! What are you still doing here anyway?
Bulgar  I'll stay as long as I like!
Galina  You think you're a big man. Where's your house on Middle Park East?
        Where's your big psorts team, huh?
Bulgar  Shut up, you cunt!
Galina  Aargh, fuck you, Ray!
Bulgar  Shut up, you fucking cunt!
[He fires an assault rifle into the ceiling.]
Luis    Hey, man. Is she okay?
Galina  A big gun makes you a big man, huh? Your thingie was tiny even before
        the wrestling coach make you take steroids. Mother always said she only
        had daughters!
[Bulgarin fires again into the ceiling.]
Bulgar  Ignore her, Luis. The diamonds - tell me.
Luis    I gotta talk to Tony.
Bulgar  You got to talk to Daddy... I thought I was making you a real man. Not
        a rentboy.
Luis    I can't sell what ain't mine, bro, and plus, with all the work I put in
        for you, I don't really feel like a man yet.
Bulgar  Okay, soon, man, soon. I want you to cover Timur's back. He is going to
        talk to some people and I need you there.
Luis    Okay, man. I got it. But you should chill out, bro.
Bulgar  Let me decide when to chill out. Go.

[Luis answers his phone.]
Bulgar  You are in position. Do you see a box in front of you?
Luis    Yeah.
Bulgar  Open it... Have you opened it yet?
Luis    No, give me a sec...
Bulgar  No?
Luis    Okay, I'm here.
Bulgar  Do you recognize this man?
[He opens the box and the cook's head rolls out.]
Luis    Shit!
Bulgar  I believe you partnered with him in a diamond deal.
Luis    Yo, what the fuck? Is this the guy we bought the ice from?
Bulgar  You colluded with him to steal from me.
Luis    Yo, we just got some rocks off him, okay? Look, listen...
Bulgar  No, you listen. I offered you an opportunity, yet you were plotting
        against me.
Luis    Yo, I don't know shit about those rocks.
Bulgar  But I believe it doesn't matter. I will do everything in my
        considerable power to drive you and your faggot master from this earth.
[A sniper fires at Luis from another rooftop.]
Luis    Oh, shit! Fucking great.

Tony    Luis, shit, I've been looking for you.
Luis    Listen, Tony, I got something to talk to you about. You remember that
        Ray Bulgarin guy?
Tony    That Russian gangster? You think he'd lend us the money we need to get
        out of this shit? He's bad news. I hate to be the voice of reason here,
        but I don't think we need thank kind of stress in our lives.
Luis    Yo, man, we already got it. I, ummm, talked to him about some
        opportunities. And it turns out the diamonds we bought were stolen off
        him in the first place. He cut that cook's head off. Long story short,
        he wants us dead.
Tony    Poor old chef. What were you doing talking to these guys without me,
Luis    I'm sorry, I fucked up. Kind of refreshing for me to be the one getting
        us in shit for once, don't you think?
Tony    Yeah. A real relief.

Luis    Listen, man, I told you. I didn't know shit about who owned them
Bulgar  Then maybe you should have asked! Instead you run around this city
        making a fool of me. You and your faggot boss will be killed for this.
        I will do everything in my power to...
Luis    Shit, I think the signal's dropping, man. Later, bro.

Bulgar  Luis.
Luis    Ray, listen...
Bulgar  You fucked with me, Luis.
Luis    No. Not at all. That's how things seem, but trust me, that wasn't my
Bulgar  You fucked with me, and now I am going to fuck with you, you little
        cunt. You are dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! You understand!?
Luis    No, could you say it again, please?
Bulgar  Fuck you!
Luis    I'm still not getting it, what about a third time?
Bulgar  Cunt!
Luis    Bye.

Luis    Yusuf. Hey, man.
Yusuf   What's up, Luis? Things is good?
Luis    No, man, they a long way from good.
Yusuf   Well, how much you need? How much money you want me to throw at this
        problem for you? Yusuf don't like his main dude unhappy.
Luis    Cash ain't going to fix this problem, okay. We got a crazy Russian
        after us and we in some deep shit with some Cosa Nostra morons.
Yusuf   The Mafia? I've had problems with some union fucks on the site.
        Sometimes that shit just goes away.
Luis    Hey, this ain't going, man, and there's nothing you can do. Me and Tony
        got to find some way to dig ourselves out.
Yusuf   Don't be too proud, Luis. You ever need something, you call Yusuf,
        okay? See you round, bro.


Roman   Okay, if we walk in confident, we have a good time.
Dessie  Hey, you on the list?
Roman   Yes.
Brucie  No. [at the same time]
Dessie  Then you're not coming in.
Brucie  Oh, oh, wait a minute, man. We're relatively important people. We're
        goin' in, bro!
Dessie  I don't give a fuck who you think you are. You're not coming in.
Roman   Come on, man, I'm a VIP. We come here all the time.
Luis    [walks up] Hey, Dess.
Dessie  Hey, man.
Luis    Tony in?
Dessie  I ain't seen him.
Brucie  Hey, man! Luis! Bro, could you get us in?
Luis    Hey, Brucie. Yeah, sure, Dessie - take care of them?
Brucie  Thanks, man.
Roman   Keep it cool. Keep it cool.
[They walk in.]
Roman   Man, I'm going to see some vagina tonight!
Luis    You walked in with one, bro.
Roman   What?
Luis    Never mind, man.
Roman   Hey, so I'm going to get the drinks. Okay. [walks off]
Luis    Good seeing you guys, man. I gotta go take care of something.
Brucie  Hey, wait. Listen, can I just say something, man? Listen, can I just
        say... The way you dealt with Mori, man, I was really grateful. Thank
Luis    Hey, uh, don't mention it, man. Unless you want me to kill him.
Brucie  Maybe... Hey, listen. You know, you're a lot like me... Yeah. That's
        right, you're like a lone wolf. An adventurer. Tough, but with a
        sensitive side.
Luis    Not really, bro. I like killing for money.
Brucie  Yes, yes I know, but that's just your thing, man... look, you know...
        I... err... [tries to kiss Luis]
Luis    Yo, what's your problem, man?
Brucie  Nothing! I didn't mean nothing by it. I'm not gay.
Luis    It's cool, man. Just don't do it again, man.
Brucie  Hey, I fucked three girls last night, man. One of them can't even walk.
        I mean, now. She could walk before. She didn't need a wheelchair or
        anything. Look, I was just checking to make sure you weren't gay, bro.
Luis    Not a problem, man. I've got to go.
Brucie  Hey, listen...
Tony    [enters] Hey, Luis. Come on, man. We gotta go. Let's go.
Brucie  Alright, man. Peace out, bro!
[Tony and Luis walk out.]
Luis    Thank God you showed up, bro.
Tony    What?
Luis    I never thought seeing you would make things feel more heterosexual.
Tony    I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, sweetheart.
Luis    Yeah, it's probably best.

Tony    We're heading over to Fishmarket South.

Luis    What's happening, T?
Tony    We're getting Gracie back. She's coming home.
Luis    You mean taking her back? Or is this gonna be tranquilo?
Tony    God, I hope so. They're getting the diamonds for her, so they better
Luis    Shit. Wait a second. Slow up, man. What have the diamonds got to do
        with Gracie? What the fuck have we got to do with Gracie? Shouldn't her
        old man be handling this?
Tony    Apparently the kidnappers have asked for these rocks and we aren't
        being given much of a choice about it, if you catch my meaning.
Luis    Oh great. Angry mobsters, kidnappers, maniacs. Sounds like another fun

Luis    Tell me what's up, T.
Tony    Gracie will soon be free, thanks to us.
Luis    You don't sound so enthusiastic.
Tony    The catch is that we've got to give up those diamonds to get her.
Luis    Fuck me, Tone. After all that shit. I know how much they cost.
Tony    So do I, believe me. And we wouldn't be doing this if old man Ancelotti
        hadn't "made me an offer I couldn't refuse".
Luis    In this day and age? Huh, idiot must think he's in a movie.
Tony    I know. One man's tradition is another man's worn out cliche.

Tony    We need to get over to Charge Island, Luis. They're expecting us to
        dock there.

Luis    Tony, man. These diamonds...
Tony    What about them?
Luis    Yo, man. Ray Bulgarin's claiming ownership and he's got some serious
        resources. Maybe we should think about handing them over to him.
Tony    We got two options, Lou. Either we give them to the Russians, and
        Ancelotti kills us, or we give them to the kidnappers, Gracie lives,
        and we take our chances with the Russian.
Luis    Alright, man. Sounds like you got everything figured out.
Tony    I got nothing figured out. Half the city wants to kill me, but they'll
        be lucky if they can before I die of a heart attack.
Luis    Easy, Tone.

Luis    We ain't gonna have much in the bank after we hand over these dimaonds.
Tony    The rocks've got us in enough shit. Let's forget about the bottom line
        for a second.
Luis    Okay, bro.
Tony    I mean, you're the one who just got ambushed by some crazy Russians
        because of them!
Luis    This is true. Maybe we should be worrying about what Ray Bulgarin has
        to say about handing over the ice.
Tony    I don't care what he has to say. We paid for it fair. His beef's with
        the chef.
Luis    What's left of him.

Luis    Last chance, T. You sure you want to hand this stuff over?
Tony    Sure I'm sure. Her father's going to kill us if we don't.
Luis    That makes it nice and simple.
Tony    Yeah, lends a lot of clarity to my thinking.
[They walk up to Niko and Packie holding Gracie.]
Tony    Gracie, you alright? The bastards didn't hurt you, did they?
Packie  She can't speak. We got a gag in her mouth.
Tony    Give her back, you animals. She's suffered enough.
Packie  Hand over the stuff.
Tony    Hand over Gracie! I'm here for you, sweetie.
Packie  Hand over the fucking stuff!
Niko    Alright, calm down. Both of you.
Luis    Oye, we put the ice in the middle, we walk back. Then you send over the
        girl. We leave and you pick up the stuff. Entiende?
Niko    Sure. Show us the goods.
[Tony walks halfway forward, sets the diamonds down, and steps back.]
Tony    Come back to me, honey.
Niko    Let her go.
[Gracie walks slowly over to Tony and Luis. They head back toward the boat and
untie Gracie.]
Tony    You alright?
Gracie  Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Luis    Babe, you okay?
Gracie  Why didn't you fucking kill them, you fucking nothing?
Luis    Huh?
[There is gunfire in the background and a Russian runs around the corner
holding a rifle.]
Russian You!
Luis    Fuck. Go! Go!
[Luis shoots the Russian, but another one starts running up.]
Luis    Fuck! [translated] Get down!

Gracie  The fucking stowaway's gone. We can go back now and get those
        cocksucking kidnappers now, you pussy. You're a bodyguard, aren't you?
        Go back and kill them for me.
Luis    You don't know half what we been through for you, bitch, so shut the
        fuck up.
Gracie  You're a fucking joke. You and that old queen are gonna be done here
[Luis knocks her out.]
Tony    Did you just hit her, Lou?
Luis    Go back to sleep, Tone.
Tony    Whatever you did, at least she shut up. Peace at last.

Tony    What's happening?
Luis    You got Gracie back safe and sound, Tone. I hope she was worth 2 mil'.
Tony    You hit her, right?
Luis    She had a boating accident. Make sure her old man understands that. I
        don't want to see her again.
Tony    Okay, sailor. So long.

Luis    Tone.
Tony    Fuck, Lou, have you heard?
Luis    That our lives are falling apart?
Tony    No. Yes. No. Sort of. The city's closed down the clubs.
Luis    You serious? The motherfuckers.
Tony    All this fucking bullshit and we forgot to pay off the Citadel.
Luis    Shit, T. Maybe this is a good thing. At least we can concentrate on
        getting off every gangster's hit list.
Tony    We better do it quick. There's no more money coming in. It's only gonna
        get worse for us. Fuck me, I need some blow.

 PARTY'S OVER (#rp1)

Rocco   Luis Lopez.
Luis    What could you possibly have to say that I'd want to hear, Rock?
Rocco   Time to face the facts, Jack. Frankly, you're fucked. There's a rich
        Russian having a pow wow with the old man about you and the fag. FYI,
        they ain't talking about handing you a special commendation.
Luis    Well, what the fuck are me and Tone supposed to do about that?
Rocco   Let's leave the homo out of this for a minute. Meet me and Uncle
        Vincenzo in the public toilets in Middle Park. We got to talk in

Luis    What's up, ladies? Still living the high life, I see.
Rocco   Fuck you.
Luis    What're you doing here? Cruising?
Vince   Very funny.
Rocco   You know, Mr. Ancelotti's still blaming all that diamond shit for
        Gracie's kidnap.
Luis    Well, you did bring the heat down on the club, so... I can understand
        why they blame you.
Rocco   And those chinks, they're still fucking pissed at that dispute of ours.
Luis    Again, fair enough.
Rocco   Whatever. It don't matter, alright, what matters... is the Russian has
        come to Mr. Ancelotti and said he wants the head of anyone involved
        with the diamonds. Now, on top of all that Gracie and chink shit, the
        Old Man is pissed. He wants blood. I think we can cut a deal - we give
        him one body. Alright? So basically, it's you or Tony. One of you has
        to die. Me and Vince would prefer to work with you in the clubs over
        the faggot, so you're lucky. You kill Tony, you get to keep the clubs,
        you and us together, partners. Either that, or the Russians is gonna
        send some serious people around to whack you and the fag, with
        Ancelotti's sanction.
Vince   Yeah, you'll both get whacked.
Luis    You're way out of your league, kid. And you? You're a fucking loser,
        hanging out with children living a fantasy life. I ain't killing Tony.
        But I may be about to kill you two fucks, though.
Rocco   Then you're a dead man. You and your family and those spic drug dealers
        you hang out with. You're all dead. It's your choice.
Vince   It ain't our fault.
Luis    Fuck you.
Rocco   Think about it. I'll be in touch. Fuckin' spic.

Vince   Oh!
Rocco   There he is.
Tony    Thank God you got here, Luis. These fucking guys... Talk to them. Tell
        them we can figure it out.
Luis    It ain't that simple, Tone.
Tony    Sure it is. We got money coming. We can expand. Refurb. Rebrand. I'm an
        earner. I'm a survivor. I've been in this game since 1987.
Rocco   Ouch. The terrible irony. You better tell him.
Luis    Tony, man...
Tony    What?
Luis    Things are kinda fucked, man. These guys, man, these fucking guys. You
        never should have brought them in, man. Now, someone's gotta... you
Vince   The Mex is with us now.
Tony    You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Rocco   Times change, Tony. Your brand of charming homosexuality, it's kind of
        run out of steam. Someone has to pay for what's gone down.
[Rocco tosses a pistol to Luis.]
Rocco   Do it.
Luis    I'm sorry. I'm sorry, man.
Tony    After all we've been through. Lou!
Luis    I'm sorry, T. You... you was family, man. But it's either you, or all
        of us.
Rocco   The Russians are coming, man. We don't got time for this gay shit.
Vince   Fucking pop him already.
[Luis turns and shoots Vince in the head.]
Rocco   You fucking moron!
Luis    Hey, I had second thoughts, man.
Rocco   You fucking killed yourself just then. There's Russians, fucking
        everyone, they're coming after you, the Old Man, you're fucking dead,
        the both of you. They're coming any second and they're expecting
Luis    We better not disappoint then...
Tony    Keep your head, Lou. He's a made guy.
Luis    Fuck him... Alright, get out of here, Rocco. This is for the Old Man
        and that's it.
Rocco   You're a dead man, Taco.
Tony    Get out of my club, you fucking mook!
Luis    You sure that was smart?
Tony    Are you sure not shooting me was smart? I don't think so... Ah...
        Alright, if we're gonna operate we're gonna need some - some goodwill
Luis    What now?
Tony    I don't know! Didn't he say the Russians are coming?
Luis    It doesn't stop, does it?

Tony    You tried to kill me, Lou. You wanted to fucking kill me!
Luis    Tony, man, what the fuck? We got through it. We beat them.
Tony    Who'd we beat? A couple of goons? The guys who wanted us dead are still
        out there! I'm done. I'm packing up and I'm leaving town. I'm heading
        to a spa town in the desert. It's been nice knowing you.
Luis    Don't be stupid, T. T, please don't be stupid. I'll just come and find
        you. Shit.


Luis    Hey.
Tony    Fuck off, Luis. [aiming gun]
Luis    Aye Dios Mio. Haven't we been through this already?
Tony    Been through the fact that you wanted to kill me? Been through the fact
        that you are far from alone in that desire? This is over. It's over. I
        just want to go some place far away from here and quietly wait to die.
        I lived it. I lived it hard, and now, I'm ready to end it.
Luis    Oh shut up, you hysterical fucking queen. Get a grip, bro.
Tony    Oh, yes, silly me. Silly fucking me... huh? The Russian mob want me
        dead, my best friend just contemplated murdering me, the mob are on my
        case, I'm massively in debt and I just lost 2 million dollars worth of
        diamonds. Any other man would just dust himself off and carry on.
Luis    Look, okay, I'm sorry I thought about killing you. I really am. But if
        you keep up with the bullshit, I might have to kill you for real.
Tony    Fuck off, Luis.
Luis    No, you fuck off, Tony. I didn't kill you. I wanted to. Why? Because
        you've become a useless junkie fuck, that's why. But I didn't. And now
        it's you and me against the world, okay? And if your brains ain't
        working right, then I'll make the decision for us, okay? It's Bulgarin
        or us. Or you can shoot us both, and make his life easy for him.
Tony    Well... you're kind of clever, aren't you? I only hired you because I
        thought you were dumb. [setting down gun]
Luis    Yeah, thank you very much.
Tony    You're welcome very much.
Luis    Are you coming now?
Tony    Yes, I'm coming now. Well let's go, come on.

Tony    I heard Bulgarin was moving some smack out at the Funland on Firefly

Tony    So, say we find them, what are we gonna do then?
Luis    We gonna take out their income stream and then we gonna take them out.
        End this bullshit.
Tony    Okay. I'm armed, I'm dangerous. Let's fucking do this!
Luis    Come on, T, give me a break.
Tony    What? We're in this together!
Luis    Tony, bro, I love you, but I should handle this alone. I don't want you
        getting yourself killed.
Tony    Then you're gonna have to punch me out again, Lou!
Luis    Don't make me, man. You know you just gonna slow me down, bro, and kill
        us both. I want at least one of us to survive.
Tony    Lou...
Luis    Look, T. Don't go home. Don't go to the clubs. Don't go nowhere anyone
        might conceivably think to look for you.
Tony    There aren't many places like that left in the city, I'm afraid.
Luis    Come on. Where you think you can hide that no one would expect?
Tony    I have no fucking clue. Err, Dukes? I ran away from there as a kid and
        I sword blind I'd never go bcak, apart from to catch a plane.
Luis    Okay, cool. Hit up, like, err, that Monoglobe monument thing in Meadows
        Park. Hang out for a few hours. If I survive this shit, I'll find you.
        If I don't show, then I'm gone. Move to Brazil. Move somewhere. Don't
        ever look back, T.
Tony    I thought I was the annoying drama queen in this pairing.
Luis    I'm serious, T. This is my last testament. Yo, send some money to my
        mom sometimes, and tell her I love her.
Tony    Okay, Lou, shit. You'll be fine. Shit, no one in this town is crazy
        enough to take you down.

Tony    This is our last chance, ain't it, Lou? We've got to take down Bulgarin
        and all his people. It's our one shot to survive.
Luis    For me, maybe.
Tony    What do you mean? If we go down, we go down together.
Luis    Tony, man, I ain't gonna take you into a fiesta full of angry Russian
Tony    It's not like I haven't been in my share of fire fights, Lou. By now,
        I'm a seasoned veteran by anyone's fucking standards!
Luis    I know that, bro, but there's no point in you coming in there. You can
        go off and die alone on some beach somewhere. Or the desert, like you
        was just saying to me. Leave town, bro.
Tony    Okay, then you come too. Fuck Ray Bulgarin, fuck the mob, fuck the loan
        sharks, fuck the angry Triads, the moaning celebrities, fuck everybody,
        Lou. We'll leave town and start all over. New clubs, someplace else. If
        I can do it, you can too.
Luis    It ain't like that for me, Tone. I still got my family here in LC.
        Maybe you turned your back on where you was from when you was a kid,
        but that ain't something I can really do. The Heights is my home, man.
        Always will be. Nothing's worth shit if I can't go back there.
Tony    You're serious about this, aren't you? You're gonna walk in there
Luis    Yeah I'm serious. You got to hide out for a bit, T. I'll come find you
        if all our troubles go away, but if I don't show, you got to run.
Tony    Okay, shit. I'll do that. Where should I hide?
Luis    Go somewhere no one's gonna find you. Maybe back to Dukes? Ain't nobody
        gonna look for you there.
Tony    Dukes? Alright, I'll wait for you in Meadows Park by that silly
        Monoglobe. You are gonna make it, L. I know it.
Luis    We'll see.

Luis    Later, T.
Tony    Shit, Lou. Look after yourself.

Timur   Mr. Ray flies away now, pretty boy. You are too late to get him.
Luis    Fuck you.
Timur   You think he will forget about you? You and all your friends are dead.
Luis    Yeah, that ain't happening, Timmy.

Yusuf   Luis. What's happening?
Luis    I can't talk, bro. Shit's really coming apart.
Yusuf   What do you need? Let me help out.
Luis    There ain't nothing you can do, Yusuf. If this crazy Russian fuck
        manages to leave the country, it's over for me and Tone. I got to get
        down the Dukes Expressway without any number of Russian assassins
        taking me down, or we're done. Why am I even saying this? Wish me luck,

Bulgar  I have grenade. You kill me, we all die. You're too much of a pussy to
        do anything. We got a stale mate, asshole. Lack of balls was always a
        problem. You want to die, be my guest. You can't shoot me. You will
        blow whole plane up.
Luis    I'll take my chances.

[A hobo starts looking through some garbage when Luis bumps into him.]
Luis    Shit. Sorry, Pops. [helping him up] Come on, get up. Get up. You okay?
Jerry   Yeah, thanks.
Luis    Take care of yourself, okay? Stay away from idiots like me.
Jerry   Fuck you.
[Luis walks away, the hobo finds a pouch full of diamonds in the trash and
walks off laughing.]
Tony    You always have to make a scene, don't you?
Luis    Yeah, I know. It's a real problem with me, you know? I wish I was more
        like you - subtle, shy, retiring.
Tony    Boy. I used to play round here when I was a kid, dreaming of the world.
        Wondering what it was like  at that place over there, or that little
        island over there.
Luis    You ever go there, T?
Tony    Nah, went to Algonquin instead, waiting for the world to come to me.
        You did it, man. You did it. You saved my life, you saved the business.
        You fucking did it.
Luis    Hey man, I did what I could, bro.
Tony    I'm proud of you, man. Thank you. But I don't want you to get a big
        head. I don't want you to go change, become a mega star, go to
        Vinewood, write a blog...
Luis    You're a pill popping old queen, man. I'm a murdering maniac. But we
        survived, bro.. we survived...
Tony    We did more than survive, amigo. We prospered. We took on this town and
        we won. We took on this place and we gave it the fucking finger. Fuck
        you all! I don't care what people say, Tony Prince and Luis Lopez could
        not be stopped. Huh? Oh jeez, who's this?
Yusuf   [walks up] Wassup, my niggas?
Tony    Oh, did he just say that?
Luis    Yeah, hey man. [handshake]
Yusuf   You fucking made it... man, that was some serious gangster shit.
        [dancing] Shoot, shoot, shoot 'em up. I said, shoot, shoot, shoot 'em
        up. Yo, T, T, gimme a hug, gimme a hug. [hug] Not too close though, I
        don't want my father to get the wrong impression. Luis, I love you,
        man. I love you!
Luis    I love you too.
Yusuf   I love everyone! Come on, let's get out of here. Oh, by the way, think
        my father might be franchising the clubs.
Tony    No, no, franchising is not the way to go. The club is all about the
Yusuf   Fuck the people. Fuck them all! Whip out your dick and piss all over
Tony    You're going to go a long way in hospitality, my friend.

u never believe this homie. NOOSE got these fucking tank things. Call me if you
need me to boost one. Hen

My dude! The Buzzard is on the West River for you whenever you want it. What's
mine is yours, bro! Let's do this! - Yu$uf

Luis    Hey, Mori?
Mori    Luis, man, how goes it, huh?
Luis    It's okay, bro.
Mori    Look, I just wanted to apologize to you. I was an asshole. I've been
        out tilling the land and it really put shit in perspective for me, you
Luis    Oh yeah?
Mori    Heh heh, yeah. Kibbutz on a motherfucker kibbutz, huh! Yeah, but I've
        taken this shit over. I brought some real modern world shit into this
        joint. It's a much better use of my time. These people were fucking
        backwards. Sharing and shit? Come on, I mean, what, communism?
Luis    Yeah, but, but it's a commune?
Mori    Was. Now it's more of a, umm, how do I say this - dictatorship, you
        know? Hah hah. [yelling] Hey, hey, like, hey, do some fucking work,
        huh? I don't care if you're 78. You wanna eat? Work. Oh, uh, sorry,
        Lou. Yeah, now where were we?
Luis    Yeah, we were saying goodbye, Mori.

Luis    Mami.
Adriana My wayward son, I hope you ain't brought any curses on the family.
Luis    Hah, you don't need to sacrifice no frogs for me. Listen, I thought you
        should know that things is cool with Tony now. It looks like we might
        be okay.
Adriana What are you doing with that man? Why don't you go to college like a
        good boy?
Luis    Mami, I thought you wanted me to respect him.
Adriana You can respect him from a college library, not just the bandstand of
        his nightclub.
Luis    Bandstand? Huh, Dios Mio. Look, I can't ever win with you. I love you,
Adriana I love you, hijo.

[email protected]

Hey baby bro,
Was you involved in that crazy shit I just was on the news? You take care of
yourself, you hear.

ME? I ain't crazy, sis. I don't know what you talking about. Luis

Huh? I don't know what meds you on, sis. But you better cut the dose. L.


 DAISY (#dc1)

Daisy   Hey, Steve. How are you, mate? It's so good to see you.
Luis    Yeah, it's Luis. How are you, Daisy? You never called me.
Daisy   Sorry, Leslie. Yeah, I'm great. Marvelous. Listen, have you got any
Luis    No, I'm sorry.
Daisy   Not to worry. I don't need it. I've more or less stopped doing it now.
        I only do it at night now. So good to see you, darling. How is darling
Luis    You mean Tony?
Daisy   I love that man! Just a shame he's a poof!
Luis    Yeah, a lot of people say that about him. Anyway, I thought you said
        you were going back to London.
Daisy   I did? Yes, I did. I came back. I was actually just about to call you,
        when my phone got stolen. [phone rings] Oh, fuck.
Luis    Don't worry about it.
Daisy   [to phone] What?... Well, I didn't know we were being filmed. It was
        only a fucking handjob... Oh, fucking cunt!
Luis    What's wrong?
Daisy   My fiance. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Luis    What?
Daisy   Shit!
Luis    You said that.
Daisy   My fiance. Fuck. Listen... God, when you say it out loud it sounds
        really awful. And I'm not a slapper.
Luis    A what?
Daisy   So, anyway, I was really drunk, but anyway, you know Chris Hunt?
Luis    The gay action star guy?
Daisy   He's not gay. He's a virile man who takes an interest in personal
        grooming, and likes gladiators... but... yes, he's probably a bender,
        so anyway, I got off with him, ended up getting taped, and now he's
        going to leak it online to prove he's straight. That wanker!
Luis    The classic blind beard...
Daisy   And if my fiance finds out, I'll be buggered. Oh, please, please,
        darling. I need your help.
Luis    Fine.
Daisy   Come on. Let's go. Man, I just wish we had coke.

Daisy   We need to find this twat. Fuck!
Luis    You don't know where he is?
Daisy   He's always on that bloody Bleeter website. We'll wait until he bleets
        and then we should be able to find him.
[A moment passes, they look at her phone.]
Luis    Show me that. His last bleet says he's taking a crap looking over
        Middle Park. We gonna head uptown.

Daisy   Okay, he's posted a bleet.
Luis    What it say?
Daisy   He's bleeted "Marcus asked me if I hang left or right and I told him to
        find out for himself."
Luis    What could that possible mean?
Daisy   I think he's getting his inner seam measured at a tailor. All Chris's
        suits are made by that darling little man at Perseus - we should go

Luis    He's getting his tailor to check his Johnson and you say this guy ain't
Daisy   All I know is I wanked him off, okay? I mean, you and I had sex and
        you're a bit fruity, so it wouldn't exactly be a first.
Luis    If you say so.
Daisy   Oh sugar, that's sweet, but a girl knows.
Luis    [laughing] Then maybe I have been hanging out with Tony too long? Or
        maybe it's you. Is your fiance gay as well? Is that like a fetish for
Daisy   Oh, Bertie's had some flings, but he's pretty much seventy percent
        hetero. As much as any privately educated Brit can be.
Luis    Your private schools like our prisons, then?
Daisy   I wouldn't know about that, sweetheart, but if you're speaking communal
        showers and anxious fumblings in the meadow, then perhaps.

Daisy   Shit. My fiance... what do you think? Should I call him?
Luis    I don't know. That's up to you.
Daisy   I had to put in a cuntload of work to avoid that prenup. If this
        footage comes out there's no way he won't make me sign it.
Luis    Well, if you getting married for life then that don't matter.
Daisy   Grow up, Leon. Aren't we jaded enough to be realistic for a second?
        We've met enough of our parents' mistresses and fourth wives, rent boys
        and boy toys to know that love is never lasting. Haven't we, babe?
Luis    Growing up wasn't like that for me. Just my moms, three kids, and a lot
        of debt. But if that's your world, I guess that's how you turn out.

Daisy   Another bleet. Oh bugger!
Luis    Missed him, did we?
Daisy   Apparently his fingers haven't smelled this fishy since he last
        "crossed over."
Luis    Good for him.
Daisy   He must be at Squid Row - that budget seafood place. He loves slumming
        it there for some reason.

Luis    Yo. Okay. Worst case scenario, the video comes out, you lay low for a
        while, maybe get a reality TV show.
Daisy   The new American dream. Perfect, sweetie. Just what I want. Mummy and
        Daddy would be so proud.
Luis    There's some other girls would kill to be in your position. Think of it
        that way. Enjoy the ride.
Daisy   Good for those tramps! I'm a respectable woman! I've had two hundred
        thousand dollars spent on my education. Daddy's got a peerage. I was
        babe of the month, for God's sake. I don't want to be famouse for
        tossing off some sodomite. Jesus, I need some coke! Fuck! You're
        fucking Spanish, get me some.

Luis    Babe, how you get yourself into this situation? Beware the celebrity
        with the camera - that always gonna end up online.
Daisy   I know you've got the best intentions and all that, but please don't
        lecture me. It's terribly boring and rather unattractive. It would be
        frightfully prudish to get all camera shy. These celebs have been so
        jaded by little groupie tramps throwing themselves at them, they expect
        a girl to go the extra mile. It keeps it exciting for them. I was just
        happy he didn't get out the spreader bar.
Luis    He probably holds that back for his gentlemen callers.
Daisy   But anyway dear, I don't care what he gets up to. I just don't want my
        cameo in his bedroom saga to be broadcast to friends and family before
        I can secure the rights to at least fifty percent of my fiance's past,
        present, and future earnings. Please, sweetie. Let's just get this tape
        back, okay?
Luis    Alright.

Daisy   Fucking cunting shit! He's posted another bleet. Apparently he's
        premiering his new movie in Star Junction.
Luis    Star Junction it is, then.

Luis    What movie's he premiering?
Daisy   I don't know. Something where he beats people up and pretends to be
Luis    Standard Vinewood shit, then?
Daisy   Pretty much. They've always been like that, haven't they?

Luis    What are we gonna do when we find him?
Daisy   We're going to be polite. I'm going to ask him to give me the tape, and
        if he doesn't, my friend Lawrence here is going to rip out his
Luis    If you're gonna make threats like that, you better at least get my name
Daisy   Ooh, you've such a sensitive and angry little soul, haven't you,

Daisy   Okay. Come on. Let's see if we can talk some sense into him. Chris, you
        cunting fuck, hand over the tape!
Chris   Too late, Dolly. You're gonna be famous. Check it!
[He indicates the video playing up on a giant screen.]
Daisy   Oh my God! Is that my minge? It's ten feet high! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! My
        life is over.
Chris   Who's gay now, bitches!
Luis    See you later, babe. Couldn't a happened to a nicer person.

[email protected]

Hey Sweetie,
So, like, wow! You are a legend, mate. A legend. Seriously. Fucking fab! And I
mean that. The wedding is back on! I'm so excited. I will look so good in
white. Maybe I'll send you a pic! If you're in London or Shropshire or St.
Trop, give me a bell. Especially if you got any sparkle!
Daisy xxx

Thanks Daisy. I didn't really understand too much of that but goo dluck. Your
husband is one lucky guy.

I need you to sign me a copy of that dvd. Good luck with the marriage. L

 ARNAUD 1 (#arnaud1)

Arnaud  Hey, have you a light?
Luis    Sorry, papi, I don't smoke.
Arnaud  Ah, a Spaniard. Wonderful. A man of culture.
Luis    I'm not sure someone from the Heights qualifies as being a Spaniard,
        but whatever.
Arnaud  Exactly, whatever. Whatever you say, daddy.
Luis    Excuse me?
Arnaud  What is wrong with you? The British, they give you this beautiful, if a
        little awkward language, and you just debase it with 'whatever' or
        'like' or 'fuck you' or 'get over yourself'.
Luis    In that case, fuck you.
Arnaud  [translated] "Whatever, fuck you." Who am I to complain? My country is
        not much better. We are the worst. My people watch American television
        and then they complain about it afterwards. "Ooh la la, I am rich."
        Time was when we would chop someone's head off and would run around the
        street with it on a stick. Vive la France! Now we are soft and
        miserable, just like you.
Luis    Hey, I'm not miserable.
Arnaud  Well, then clearly you do not watch enough television. You enjoy the
        bright lights and the big cities and the hope that maybe one day you
        become rich and stupid, and your people, maybe you can make a nice
        little TV show with you and your friends.
Luis    Hey, knowing my friends, I hope not.
Arnaud  Well, I do not come to Liberty city to watch television. I come to fuck
        and get high. What else is there?
Luis    I don't know... family?
Arnaud  I had a family... meaningless... honor? Don't make me puke. No, mon
        ami, I hate to tell you, my friend, nothing matters in this world apart
        from getting your rocks off, or getting so out of it so you don't
        realize you haven't got your rocks off.
Luis    I like a man who's so focused.
Arnaud  Have you got a car?
Luis    I'm not sure I want to get into a car with someone like you.
Arnaud  Oh, relax. Relax. Let's go for a drive. I like you. You find things
        as... as ridiculous as me.

Arnaud  I have a lovely little masseuse booked in Chinatown, can we go there?

Arnaud  Can I buy a massage for you? It's the least I can do considering your
        many kindnesses.
Luis    No, I'm cool, bro. I don't need no slave laborer fluffing me. I like
        things given up willingly.
Arnaud  As you wish, but there are pleasures distinct to the professional
        mistress. You may come to understand that in later years, Spaniard.
Luis    Yeah, okay, Frenchman.

Arnaud  What is your pleasure, kind Spaniard? A table shower, two hands, maybe
Luis    Yo, I'm cool.
Arnaud  Do you not wish to ascend the lofty peak of the Horny Mountain?
Luis    I ain't going nowhere horny with you.
Arnaud  Merde, a prude! Do not worry, I'll be on my own quest. Shiva with the
        goddess Shak-ti as Sherpa-guide.
Luis    Dude, you just getting your dick pulled, don't romanticize that shit
        too much.
Arnaud  Alas, a poet you are not.

Arnaud  Thank you, Spaniard. I am only sorry you will not join me in this
Luis    Don't catch nothing, bro.

 ARNAUD 2 (#arnaud2)

[Arnaud is sitting on the curb, bloodied up.]
Arnaud  Luis!
Luis    Yeah.
Arnaud  It is me, Arnaud. Thank fucking God I see you. Thank you, God! Maybe
        you do exist!
Luis    Arnaud, what are you doing down here, bro?
[Luis helps him to his feet.]
Arnaud  Well, we had a little incident... I don't mind when the girl play
        rough, but when the pimp come in and he play rough too... Oh la la la
        la la.
Luis    What happened, bro?
Arnaud  I tell you, it is a bad combination - Chinese opium and Brazilian
        prostitute. No no no no no.
Luis    Yeah, no doubt, man.
Arnaud  I was just nodding off after a little bit of light after dinner bondage
        and, when the pimp comes in, he steals my wallet and gives me a good
Luis    For watching too much television?
Arnaud  Ha, ha, ha. Somehow, err, somehow I feel my dignity is still intact.
Luis    Wait a second. You're a guy who just enjoyed an opium laden threesome
        with some light bondage... How could your dignity ever be in question?
Arnaud  Exactly, my friend... Err, well, maybe you can help me get back the
Luis    Hey, compared to the shit I've dealt with today, okay, that doesn't
        sound so shady, so why the "fuck you" not?

Arnaud  They're just over on la rue de Bronco.

Arnaud  Why did he not just ask me for the money? If he needed it, we could
        have made an arrangement. Perhaps a little four-way?
Luis    Maybe he didn't want to subject himself to no bondage, light or
Arnaud  He was, perhaps, more dom than sub, that is true. But surely being a
        pimp implies some perversity, or at least curiosity. It would have been
        an experience.
Luis    Yo. Don't worry, bro. We going to subject him to some shit soon enough.
Arnaud  Life is an unpredictable thing, my friend.
Luis    You don't need to tell me.
Arnaud  Here is an example for you to digest. This morning, a delicious twenty-
        two year old girl left her parents' apartment in Middle Park East. The
        only thing on her mind was buying a coffee, but I made her a proposal.
        Soon she was drenched in champagne and bent over naked in my hotel
        suite. Before 11 am, she was shovelling cocaine into her nose with a
        caviar spoon and begging me to give it to her again.
Luis    Few hours later you was getting your ass beat by a pimp in Bohan. Life
        sure does twist and turn.
Arnaud  Touche.
Luis    I should introduce you to my boss, bro. You guys could party together.
Arnaud  Perhaps on my next trip.
Luis    No doubt. If we survive that long, you're on.

Arnaud  This wallet is very precious to me. I need it back. Not for the money,
        or that wrap of cocaine, or the precious phone number stored in it. No,
        it has a sentimental value.
Luis    Been some crazy places with you?
Arnaud  Mais oui, mais oui, it has seen some things. Every mark on it
        represents a different pleasure, a different experience. The rich red
        stain of a Bordeaux, the salty residue of a whore's crocodile tears,
        the chip of painted fingernail embedded in its leather - they are all
        my memories.
Luis    So, we'll try to get it back then. Hopefully it won't get too stained
        with no pimp blood in the process.
Arnaud  That will be another experience, my friend. It shall be worth
        remembering, too. We are all scared by everything that happens to us,
        whether those marks are visible or not. That is what makes every human
        being interesting and individual. Even in this white-washed, vanilla
        essence country we find ourselves in.
Luis    That a fact?
Arnaud  Am I so naive as to think my Goddaughter was not changed by the coming
        of age party I threw for her this morning? Or my Godson only moments
Luis    Nice, bro. Their parents must be happy they put their trust in you.
Arnaud  It was an education... for everyone involved.

Arnaud  That's him. You think you can get my wallet back?
Luis    Motherfucker's driving off. We'll get him.

Luis    I'm gonna drop you round the corner, bro. It ain't safe here.

Luis    Here's your wallet, bro. I'd stay in Algonquin from now on if I were
        you. Things get rough out here in the boroughs.
Arnaud  They do, and that is why I like it.
Luis    It's your life you playing with, bro. I just don't wanna see you end up
        one of them deviant sex stories gone wrong. Like one of them guys who
        strangle themselves trying to get off. Civilian like you coming out to
        the Point is almost as suicidal.

Luis    Okay, bro. This is where I'm leaving you. You still might get robbed
        round here, but they won't kill you.
Arnaud  Adieu, dear boy. It's been fun.

 MARGOT 1 (#margot1)

Margot  Oh, hi, Luis. Wow, what a coincidence.
Luis    Hey Margot. How - how are you? What are you doing here?
Margot  I was just... just... meeting someone. A date, actually.
Luis    At Hercules? It's a gay club.
Margot  You never answered my calls.
Luis    Yeah, I'm sorry.
Margot  Or my emails.
Luis    Yeah, I meant to, I'm just...
Margot  Fucking rude.
Luis    Yeah. Look, I've got a lot going on.
Margot  Did you get the book I sent you?
Luis    No.
Margot  Or the flowers?
Luis    No. Listen, Margot, you're a nice girl, and it was nice hooking up with
        you, but it - it was over a year ago.
Margot  What's time got to do with anything?
Luis    It's... It was a long time ago. I mean, it's time to move on.
Margot  You're pathetic. You know that? You think you're such hot shit, don't
Luis    No. I'm more like cold shit. But, seriously, I just don't want to marry
        you. And no matter how many letters you send me, or chocolate bunnies,
        or sky writing my name, or naming stars after me, or whatever. It's
        nothing personal.
Margot  No. Rejection never is personal. You know, my dad was right about you.
Luis    Y-your dad? Look, he probably was. Okay, but, if you'll excuse me, I-I
        gotta go.
Margot  Y-you can't go.
Luis    But... but I can go.
Margot  You can't. I'm going to die. I just took 37 painkillers and 15 sleeping
        pills. There. There's the bottle. I'm going to die, and it's all your
Luis    [translated] You crazy bitch.
Margot  I'll be dead soon. Either get me to the hospital or I'm dead.
Luis    You fucking idiot.

Luis    Get in there. You the doctor's problem now.
Margot  Aren't you coming in? You could hold back my hair when they pump me.
Luis    I see enough bulimic bitches at the club, Margot. You on your own.
Margot  I love you.

 MARGOT 2 (#margot2)

[Margot stands on the upper floor of the mall, on the outside of the railing.]
Margot  Hey Luis.
Luis    Oh Jesus, Margot.
Margot  Fancy seeing you here.
Luis    Don't tell me you were just passing through.
Margot  Yes.
Luis    When you suddenly decided the view was better from there?
Margot  I knew you'd come.
Luis    How?
Margot  I'm sorry, Luis.
Luis    Hey, don't apologize. I love keeping people from killing themselves.
        It's a weird fetish of mine.
Margot  No, I mean I'm sorry we can't be together. You can't have me.
Luis    I don't want you. Now come on, get down from there.
Margot  Must be easy for you, thinking of me as being crazy. It must help.
Luis    Yeah, it does, actually. Either that, or I'd think I was.
Margot  You're not crazy, Luis. You're empty. You don't care about anyone.
        You're a shell. You fuck people and then you ignore them. That's easy.
        It's a game, isn't it?
Luis    No. Listen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, wait - just - I - I just don't
        want to marry you. Okay? Maybe I'm empty, like you said, or maybe, like
        pretty much every man alive, I don't want to marry someone who is a
        complete psychopath. Okay? I don't care which it is, just get over
        here, please.
Margot  When I die, people will blame you.
Luis    Yeah, either that or thank me.
Margot  What?
Luis    Nothing. Nothing. Come on, come on, get over here.
Margot  If you loved me, you'd save me.
Luis    I don't love you.
Margot  I've got a letter, telling everyone that you pushed me.
Luis    Come on, get over here.
Margot  Save me!
[She jumps to her death.]

 CONTACT INFO (#contact)

If you have a question, a suggestion, a correction, whatever, feel free to
contact me. Add "GTA", "GameFAQs", or something relevant in the subject line,
Also, specify whether or not you want to be included in the credits and by what

Email: [email protected]
GFAQs: InfernoDragon
PSN: InfernoSD

 CREDITS (#credits)

Thanks to the following...

For developing this great game, Rockstar North.

For producing it, Rockstar Games.

For help identifying characters and various background infos, Grand Theft Wiki.

Yeah, no one else helped on this one.


0.00    4/29/10    Started the script.
1.00    5/3/10     All storyline missions complete, barring a few optional or
                   rare dialogues. All random character encounters complete.

 LEGAL (#legal)

This document is Copyright 2010 InfernoSD.

Although the dialogue contained in this document belongs to Rockstar Games, I
typed it out. This document may not be reproduced under any circumstances
except for personal, private use. It may not be placed on any web site or
otherwise distributed publicly without my permission. Use of it on any other
website or as a part of any public display is strictly prohibited and a
violation of copyright.

This script is hosted only at:

All trademarks and copyrights contained in this document are owned by their
respective trademark and copyright holders.

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